# What Will I Miss? My Story for World Suicide Prevention Day

- Show: [Stillness in the Storms](https://stillnessinthestorms.com/), a podcast with Steven Webb
- Episode: 177
- Published: 10 September 2026
- Length: 18:29 (about 18 minutes)
- Subject: Steven's Story, Hard Times & Resilience
- Web page: https://stillnessinthestorms.com/episode/what-will-i-miss-my-story-for-world-suicide-prevention-day
- Listen: [Apple Podcasts](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-will-i-miss-my-story-for-world-suicide-prevention-day/id1467889656?i=1000788854860), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/show/5Q4LN7Ev2CwTMzxj8jlFmN), [MP3](https://episodes.captivate.fm/episode/6c70f747-525e-4036-b62b-2f76540509c3.mp3)

What would you miss? This episode is about suicide, my granddad's and my own, and the one question that kept me here. If you need help right now, the numbers are just below.

## If you need help right now

- UK and Ireland: Samaritans, call 116 123. Free, any hour, any day.
- UK only, if you cannot talk: text SHOUT to 85258. Free, 24 hours.
- US: call or text 988.
- Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14.

I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm. The next morning Andy woke me and said they had found him. At 18 my heart was broken and I tried to end my life, and later that year I broke my neck and lay in a hospital bed thinking I was better off not here. Years on, at rock bottom again, I wrote a note, printed it, left it face down and went out in my chair with a plan. I sat there for two hours. What stopped me was my stepdaughter Kember and one thought: I wonder what she will become. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I think that is true of almost everybody who says they do not want to be here. Around the world 727,000 people a year die by suicide, one every 43 seconds. Three in four are men, and the men most at risk are 50 to 54, which is right where I am. So this is the conversation.

**One thing to try:** If you are anywhere near that door, ask one question. Not what will I lose, not what will I gain. What will I miss? Then hang on for a few more weeks. And if it is someone you love, ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss.

## In this episode

- (0:00) Who World Suicide Prevention Day is for, and a warning
- (1:47) 727,000 a year. Three in four are men, and I am the age most at risk
- (2:53) I was 12 when my granddad went missing from the farm
- (4:21) 18, heartbroken, and a cry for help
- (5:35) Lying in hospital with a broken neck, thinking I was better off not here
- (7:12) The note on the computer, and two hours at the edge
- (9:21) The thought that stopped me: I wonder what she will become
- (10:39) A permanent solution to a temporary problem
- (13:46) The text my daughter sends us now, and why it works
- (15:58) What will I miss? The one question, and the numbers to ring

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: [stevenwebb.uk](https://stevenwebb.uk)

Thank you for listening.

Steven

## The story behind this one

This episode is about suicide. My granddad's, and my own. If that is too close today, leave it for another day. If you need help right now, the numbers are in the notes and at the end of this page.

The tenth of September is World Suicide Prevention Day. It started in Stockholm in 2003 because nobody was talking about it and people were dying in silence. This year the call to action is three words. Start the conversation. So this is me starting it.

I was 12. My mum and Andy, my stepdad, were called to the farm because my granddad had been missing for more than a day. The next morning Andy tapped me on the shoulder and said they had found him. He had taken his own life, like so many farmers do. We still do not know why. He had his breakfast that morning and left. Some said he was chirpier than usual. Some said he was quiet. People think they would know. I do not think you ever truly do.

I was 18 and my heart was broken, the ordinary teenage kind, and I tried to end my life. My family got me to hospital in time. Later that same year I broke my neck, and there were nights on that ward when I thought I was better off not here. Paralysed, in pain, an 18 year old lad who would never walk, never feel below his chest again. There was a lot of that.

Then, years on, heartbroken again and as low as I have ever been. I wrote a note on the computer, printed it, and left it face down so people would know I loved them and nobody had done anything wrong. I went out in my chair with a plan and I sat there for about two hours.

> I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to go.

## What it taught me

- Nobody who says they do not want to be here is really talking about being dead. They are talking about the pain.
- Emotional pain is the worst pain there is. There is no pill for it, and time takes far too long.
- One question did more for me than anything else. What will I miss?

What stopped me was not a plan and not courage. It was a thought that arrived from nowhere. My stepdaughter Kember moved in with me when she was four, and sitting there I found myself wondering what she would become, what her life would be like, what her kids would be like. And that stopped me. Everything since sits on that afternoon. My granddaughter. Being mayor. This podcast, talking to you now.

Somebody once said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I think they are bang on. Whatever the pain is, heartache, guilt, shame, it is pain, and pain is what you cannot cope with in that moment. The moment passes. The other thing does not.

> Sometimes being human is bloody horrible.

There is a practical bit too. A few years ago my daughter turned her phone off and disappeared for a few hours and it terrified us. So we made an agreement. When she needs to escape, she texts first. I am turning my phone off, I cannot cope with advice, I am not going to do anything silly, I will be back on in about three hours. A text, not a call, because if she rings we go into fix it mode, and sometimes nobody needs fixing. They just need someone to know they are suffering. We still worry. But that conversation happened before it was needed, and that is the whole point of the day.

I did not do the thank yous on this one. It did not feel like the episode for it.

## Questions people ask

### Is this episode safe to listen to if I am struggling?

I give a warning at the start and I do not hedge, so choose your moment. Do not put it on while you are half busy. And if you are anywhere near that door right now, ring Samaritans on 116 123 before you press play. It is free, any hour, any day, and you are not a burden.

### What do I say to someone who is thinking about it?

Do not rush to fix it. Ask them: just for a moment, tell me what you would miss. Then listen. Sometimes a person does not need advice, they need one other human to know they are hurting.

### Where can I get help?

UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 116 123, free and open 24 hours. If you cannot talk, text SHOUT to 85258. In the US, call or text 988. In Australia, Lifeline is 13 11 14. And if none of those feel possible, text one person you trust.

## Transcript

[0:00] For all those people who suffer because the worst of human tragedies happen too close to them. That is what Professor Diego De Leo wrote in 2003, the year of the first World Suicide Prevention Day was held. He was the president of the International Association of Suicide Prevention, He was saying who the day is for, and it is the people left behind and for those ones who were nearly there. And I was one of those ones left behind, and I am one of those that was nearly there. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and this episode is going to get real because I'm going to share my story.

[0:46] But I do want to give you a warning. This story be about suicide. My suicide, my granddad's suicide. And I will give you numbers at the end, and there will be numbers to get help in the show notes first and foremost, But I wanted to give you that warning. Before I move on to my story, I want to say about Suicide Prevention Day and go through some stats 'cause they are truly shocking. And I don't think we talk about this often enough. The day started in Stockholm in September 2003. The International Association for Suicide Prevention and the World Organization set it up because nobody was talking about it, and people were dying in silence. And this year's theme is about changing the narrative on suicide.

[1:37] The call to action is three words, put it simply, start the conversation. And that is what this episode is about. It's about a conversation about suicide. And around the world, 727,000 people die a year, one every 43 seconds. By the time this episode ends, probably around 40 people In England and Wales, 6,190 last year About three in every four are men, and men at most risk are age 50 to 54. And That's close to my heart because I'm right in the middle of that. Don't worry, I'm feeling absolutely fine, but I want to share my story And one of the things that these statistics don't tell you is all the near misses, all the people that go out to almost take their lives, that have the intention and don't end up doing it.

[2:43] And it doesn't count all the numbers of people that are affected by it, family members And I want to talk about three times in my life. Once when I was 12 years old, when my mum and Andy, my stepdad, was called to the farm where my grandad was the owner and farmer, and they went there to search for him because he'd been missing for over 24 hours. And then the next morning I was woke up with Andy tapping me on the shoulder and said, "They found him." And he had committed suicide, like so many farmers. And we don't know why to this day, and we could speculate. But I didn't know until then what death was like and how permanent it was. And of course, I still miss him.

[3:36] I was close to my grandad. We used to do a lot of bird watching together. I loved my time on the farm. I loved just being part of the farm life because a few years before, I just moved to Truro. as more of a city life and school and going up to the farm at the weekends. It was amazing. And it just come out the blue. He had his breakfast that morning, and he left. Some say he was a bit chirpy, chirpier than he normally is. Some say that he was a bit somber, but we don't really know, we never really know what goes on in people's heads. It wasn't as if there was any signs. and people often think that they would know, and I don't think you truly really know. And the other time is when I was 18 years old, I want to talk about, and I'd just had my heart broken.

[4:31] No fault of anybody else, but just teenage love and things like that. I took an overdose. I went and bought two bottles of pills. I couldn't buy them all in the same place, so I bought one from one place and one from another place. And I took most of them. And then I called the person that was... I thought was hurting me, and I told them, and they called my family and said, "You need to get down here." And I was hoping that they would come back. I was hoping that cry for help to get rid of the pain. And my family did come and pick me up, and they did call an ambulance. And I went to hospital, and they did drain my stomach. So that was a lucky escape. Then later that year, I, as many of you know, I broke my neck September the 1st.

[5:26] It was a long year for me, and it was one of those years that was good times and bad times. Well, mostly bad times, I guess. And while I was lying on the hospital bed so many times, I thought about my life and my future, and most of it was positive I just wanted to get on with it. I wanted to get out of bed. I didn't care if I was going to be in a wheelchair the rest of my life, I just wanted to see the outdoors and get on with doing these things, visiting the pub and doing all those things. And that, at that time, I did think about what it'd be like to end my life, because being paralyzed and all the pain and all the things I would never do again. I would never feel below my chest again.

[6:17] I would never be able to have sex properly. And for an 18 year old guy, that's huge. And I, I would never be able to walk, I would never be able to, to me, be a father, to live any kind of normal life, to go and get a decent job and do all those things that I wanted to do. That was it. So there was times where I thought, "Do you know what? I'm better off not being here." And there was many times that I thought, "Do you know I'm such a burden on the state, on people, on others." Right to this day, I still... There, there's an element of me that feels such shame about my accident that I don't always ask for help when I should. But that's a different show, that's a different day.

[7:05] And the other time was when I was heartbroken again and hit my rock bottom. So I'd written a note on my computer, and I printed it out to leave it there face down to tell people I love them, to tell people that no one's done anything wrong and this is purely me, and I just wanted the pain to end. I left the house in my wheelchair. I went down to towards Idless, a place that I liked, and I'd planned to drive the chair off this tall, this high bank. I knew there was a river at the bottom, I knew I would fall quite a way and I knew there'd be a high chance no one would find me, especially if I'd done it in the evening And I was just hurting so much at that time, and I just wanted the pain to go.

[8:02] It wasn't the fact that I wanted to end my life and not be here anymore. I just did not want the pain anymore. And heartache pain is the worst of all pains. I remember being sat at a table once and looking up and saying, "Do you know what? You could break every single bone in my body, and it would not hurt as much as heartache." And I, and I believe that's true. And that was one of the things that attracted me to Jun Po as a teacher. Ken Wilber was talking about him one day, and he said this guy that was one of the most enlightened guys that he'd ever known, he walked into his house one day, and he was sat there on the floor crying, just absolutely heartbroken. that comes down to a lot of my teaching now, that we need to feel everything deeply all the way through.

[8:54] And how do you really deeply love if you've never been hurt and things like that? It all goes hand in hand. But on this day, I sat there for about two hours, and just I had a thought come into my head, and that was my daughter at the time, my stepdaughter, was... She moved in with me when she was four, along with her mum. Me and her mum wasn't together at this point. We had split up, and I left the house, and I was just sat there, and I was just thinking, "I wonder what she'll become. Wonder what she'll make of her life." I wonder what her life will be like. I wonder what our kids will be like. And that stopped me. That stopped me.

[9:41] And okay, I was aware that I might hurt myself on the way down, and it might not be instant, I don't know where that thought come from, but it was there. But really, the main thing that stopped me was Kember and her future, and I would miss out on everything. And I realized in the moment, yeah, this pain is horrible. This pain really sucks, and there's no pain like it, and it was day in and day out. It wasn't just a moment thing. I wasn't sleeping. I was drinking, and I, I was so rock bottom, and I don't think you could get any more rock bottom. and I didn't do anything at, that point. As you know, I'm sat here.

[10:31] Pain will always be there to a degree. But one thing you cannot get back is if you do take your life. I heard someone once say, "Look, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." And I think they're bang on right because very often I, I feel that y- you just want to ease the pain at that moment. That's what you cannot cope with. Now, whether that's guilt that you've done something or whether that's heartache or whether whatever the pain is, it's pain. And emotional pain is the worst of all pains. You can take painkillers for physical pain. You, you can get help.

[11:20] You know what, it is about. But emotional pain, there is no painkillers. There's no little pill you can take to ease it. I know time does ease it because it does, but not to... It takes so long so painful So that's what I wanted to share with you today. suicide is something we need to talk about more often. And even my daughter was touched by suicide at school because her friend Courtney We don't know how lost her life, and we don't know whether that was suicide. I can't remember where the coroner came in, but it was certainly unexpected. And yeah, it's just, oh, it's just horrible, you know?

[12:13] Sometimes being human is bloody horrible. Sometimes it's really damn painful and, you know, you don't know where to turn, you don't know what to do, and you just want to ease the pain But that's the reality. You just want to ease the pain and just share your story. Just sit down next to someone and say, "Do you know what? I'm finding this pain really hard and I, sometimes I feel like I wanted to get out and stop it But it is temporary, whatever the pain is, whatever the reasons. I don't know your story. I don't know anybody's story. I don't know why anybody does it, apart from my own experience. But I know being human sucks sometimes. It really sucks But I think we need to bring suicide to the forefront.

[13:05] I think, sorry about this episode. you know, not the positive upbeat, but it's the reality of being human. Even the Buddha said to be alive is to suffer. There will always be the desires it's so emotional, and thank you for still listening. I did not want to die. I just wanted the pain to go. And I think when somebody says they don't want to be here, they almost never talking about being dead. They just don't want to be here in this pain. I genuinely believe that Now I'm going to share some practical advice because we're talking about suicide and we're talking about having a conversation. Now then, a number of years ago, my daughter went off grid. She turned the phone off and she disappeared for a few hours and she terrified us, terrified me and her mum.

[13:59] And we always have this agreement now that when she is feeling like that, when she's really feeling like she needs escape, she's to text us or phone us first and say, normally text because if she phones we try to go into fix it mode as you do as parents and sometimes you don't need to fix sometimes you just need someone to know you're suffering. And she, she'll text now and say, "Right I'm turning my phone off. I really cannot cope with advice. I cannot cope with the pain at the moment but I'll be okay. I'm not going to do anything silly and just to let you know I'll turn my phone back on in about three hours." And we've said that to her no matter what so we don't have to worry. We'll still worry, still panic but it's that conversation we had beforehand.

[14:54] You know, it's okay to feel alone, it's okay to want your solitude. Please it's not okay to suffer alone in a way that a, a simple conversation or a phone call could make sure you're here again next week or a year, week after. And look at me. So when I did leave the house to do that, if I hadn't done that I would never have met my granddaughter. so I would never become mayor. I wouldn't have this podcast talking to you now. All of these things just would not have happened to me and I've got an incredible life now. yes sucks sometimes, of course it does, being paralyzed and all those things but you know think about at any point if you had taken out your life all the things after that did go well that you would have missed out on.

[15:51] Even the Netflix programs for Christ sake, even the, the little things we enjoy in life we would have lost them all So I'm going to wrap up now and I'm going to say, look, if you are anywhere near that door, there is one thought that did more for me than any other. What will I miss? What will happen that I will miss out on? And just hang in there for another few weeks. You don't know if things will get better or worse. You don't know if you'll grow that wisdom and that muscle to be able to deal with it. not what will I lose or what will I gain? What will I miss I think that's really powerful So I'm gonna say a couple of numbers now that in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans are 116 123. 116 123. And it's free any hour, any day, 24 hours a day.

[16:52] Just give them a ring. You're not a burden at all. And in the US, call or text 988. Call or text 988. And in Australia, the lifeline is 13 11 14. 13 11 14. And if you cannot ring, text someone. Just, yeah, just reach out. Don't do that permanent thing if you are near that door. And talk to people. Talk to your kids about suicide. Talk to your relatives about suicide Being from a family that has been massively affected. Yeah Okay, look, Have a, have a discussion with your kids.

[17:46] Have a thought, And I know so many people have been affected by it in some way or another. And ask the question, "What will I miss?" Ask the other person, if a person is contemplating, say to them, "Just for a moment, tell me what you would miss in the future Okay. Thank you for being there. Much love and take care of yourself and each other. See you

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