Do you actually remember it, or did you build it? Every memory is based on a true story, and the gap between those two things ends most arguments.
We store fragments and then construct the rest. We are terrible listeners and brilliant at waiting for our turn. A woman of ninety could not remember what she had for dinner but could tell you about decades ago. It protects you, which is why you never drink the thing that made you ill at fifteen. So stop arguing that you remember it exactly. Your conversations get softer.
One thing to try: Next time you are certain about what was said, allow that you built some of it.
In this episode
(0:04) Based on a true story, and what that phrase really means
(2:40) Being a typical seventeen year old, and not treating her well
(4:40) That is Claire, and she knows who she is
(7:30) We store fragments and build the memory from them
(9:29) Ninety something, and remembering decades but not dinner
(11:40) Why you never drink that again after being ill at fifteen
(14:25) Stop arguing that you remember it exactly
(16:26) The softness that arrives once you stop needing to prove it
Every memory is based on a true story. The gap between those two things ends most family arguments, and understanding it stopped mine.
The heart of it
You do not replay memories. You rebuild them from fragments, live, every time.
What you are recalling is the last time you recalled it, not the event.
Two people can both be completely certain and both be partly wrong.
Try this. Picture a rabbit. Got one? Is it chewing anything? Grey or brown? Long haired? On grass or in a hutch? What colour is the sky behind it?
You built all of that as I asked. That is exactly what happens with a memory. You think there is a complete picture in there, and there is a handful of fragments and a very good construction team.
My sister and I used to argue about what was said two hours earlier. And I did not just remember the words. I remembered her face, her tone, where she was looking. So did she, differently. We cannot both be right, and we were both certain.
The reason it feels so solid is that anything with strong emotion attached gets stored in vivid detail, because that is protective. You never touch the drink that made you ill at fifteen again.
My nan, in her nineties, could not tell you what she had for dinner. She could tell you about being a Wren in Scotland, working on the aircraft. The pilots left a small box on the table on the way out with their belongings and their letter home. When they got back they collected them. She and her friends would look to see whether any boxes were left, because a box left meant somebody had not come home.
She told it with the colours and the sizes and the feel of the room. She was not remembering 1943. She was remembering the last telling, which was built out of the one before, and somewhere in there are films she has watched since.
Lawyers know this, incidentally, and use it. Was he six foot, or was he five foot? Are you sure? You are now building a five foot man to check.
One small thing to try
Stop arguing that you remember it exactly.
Next time you are certain, say that is how I remember it rather than that is what happened. Two words, and the whole conversation goes soft.
You might be ninety seven per cent right. Nobody is at a hundred. That has been tested on police officers and forensic scientists and nobody manages it.
Questions people ask
Does this mean my memories are worthless?
No. Most of the shape is right, and the emotional truth is usually accurate. It is the certainty about the details that causes the damage.
Why does it feel so vivid then?
Because you generate it in high definition at the moment of recall, the same way you did with the rabbit. Vividness is a property of the retelling, not evidence about the original.
What actually changes if I accept this?
You stop needing to be proved right, which turns out to be most of what an argument is. My daughter once held a mirror up to me at exactly the right moment, and it only worked because I was not busy defending my version.
Found this helpful? Leave a review. Finding something hard that isn’t covered here? Tell me, and I may make an episode about it.
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The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
relationships · empathy · ego
Read the transcript
Hey, welcome to my podcast. On today's show, I'm talking about the myth based on a true story. You know,
at the beginning of the movies or you see on TV shows or even in books, based on a true
story. I'm going to talk about that and I'll talk about our memory and the way we can stop arguing.
We really, when I come across this, the fact of how our memory works. It totally stopped me arguing with
my family. For years. I used to argue with my family about it so much. But just recognising what I'm
going to share with you in this podcast will stop you arguing with your family. Believe me.
Welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this is the podcast that will help you
to quiet in your mind and find that stillness you need to overcome whatever comes your way.
I've decided over the next few podcasts I want to share just a little thank you, a little gratitude and
a really brief story of why I want to thank this person. And also I want you to send in
your thanks, your gratitude on a very similar story, about a minute, minute and a half long. And I'll play
some of them on the podcast either at the beginning or the end. And if you're particularly listening to it
on anchor, it makes it so much easier. You can just hit the record button, send in a little snippet
and don't worry about the quality, don't worry about the thing. It doesn't have to be perfect. I can probably
clean it up in pre post or whatever you call it. I don't know, in editing. We'll just call it
editing for now surely I was writing about this story and this person in my book the Gift of no
Choice. The an Incredible Journey from Deep Despair to Freedom and Joy. And
throughout the book I share my different stories about different things. And this story, when I was writing it, I
kind of forgot it, but it was in the back of my mind. And you know what? Some people really
do help you in life in the most dire circumstances, but you may not realise at the time how
much help they are. And this person is one of those people. You know, before I broke my neck, I
was. I broke my neck when I was 18 and just before that I was hanging around with this individual
and we would have fun and we're just friends. There was nothing in it. And I didn't treat her brilliantly.
I don't know why she wanted to hang around with me, but I was a typical 17 year old that
I didn't treat her that nice. And I was never really that polite to her, but I kind of liked
her company. It was one of those relationships that, you know, I don't love you, but I kind of just
want to be in your company um And there's a couple of songs that come out, Zc Top, I'm not
in Love, and things like that. But when I broke my neck, I went away 200 miles. I was 200
miles away from home. I spent 12 months away in hospital. And over the first few weeks, I used to
get a card and a letter every few days. And whoever was there, whether it was a nurse or my
family, they'd read out the card and a letter and I would very much brush it off. It's like, yeah,
I know it's just her. But really, over the weeks, it really started to make a difference. I was looking
forward to it. And it was that connection to home that I didn't have. You know, I was
lying on bed rest. I could barely. Well, I couldn't talk at the time. And she would tell me what
was going on with my friends and what was going on in Truro.
And then after I started getting out of bed, or I think I'm still on bed rest, but she used
to come up and stay up there over weekends, and she spent hours beside my bed, and we used to
be chatting, we used to have a laugh. And you know what? She did so much for me. And I
don't know if she ever realised it, but, you know, I always used to brush it off at the time,
but now I realise quite how special she was and quite how special. I needed that relationship. I needed
that connection beyond family of someone that was just real and was just there. Someone that I
knew before my accident that treated me the same. And, boy, did she treat me the same. You
know, she was great. And that's Claire, and she knows who she is. I just want to share that,
and I want you to share your stories. I have so much of a deep gratitude for Claire now that
I've grown out of my egoic, narcissistic. Well Trying to grow out of it still. Okay.
My egoic, narcissistic self that um you know
uh Claire I love you. Thank you. You know, I mean that from the depths of my heart. You helped
me through a lot. But
today's podcast, and please send in your stories. If you're listening on anchor hit the record and send me your
stories just to thank you. One, one and a half minutes. That'd be perfect. So on Today's podcast I was
talking about the myth of this is based on a true story. So how many times do you and
a sibling. And I'll say it with me and my sister, we would say something and I would say something
back, and then within two hours, we'd be arguing about what we said. I would say to I didn't say
that. And she would say, you did say that. And I'd be like, no, I didn't. You said this. And
here's the thing, here's the really crazy thing is I could remember in my head her saying
it. And I could also remember me saying it. And it wasn't just, well, I can remember the words. No,
I can remember their voice. I can remember where they were looking, what they were doing, why they were saying
how they were saying it. And the same with me. And of course, they would do the same thing. Yet
both of us cannot be right. How can both of us be right? It's impossible. It just doesn't work.
So who's wrong? Both of us are right and both of us are wrong. But here's the problem with our
memory. It's not so much the way we remember things, but it's the way we recall those memories. And if
I said to you, now, think of a rabbit, think of a rabbit in your mind and make sure it's
a really good image of a rabbit.
Have you got that ready? What about the rabbit? Is it chewing on a carrot? Is it gray? Has it
got long hair or short hair? Is it on the grass or is it in a hutch? What colour is
the sky behind it?
Then, as I was saying those things to you, you were zooming in and out and you were creating them
on the fly. Well, this is what we do with our memories. We think we have a full picture of
the memory until we're asked questions or until we start to create it even more. We then create the memory
based on fragments that we stored. And here's the thing, we don't listen very well. We're terrible listeners.
We're brilliant at listening to what we're saying. We're terrible at listening to what the other person's saying, but yet
we think we hear what the other person's saying. Do you see do you see where this is going? So
what we do is we store fragments. We store what we hear what what is the baseline of it, and
we store it in a very analog way. That isn't a digital version. Difference between digital and analog. A digital
version is an exact copy noughts and ones, whereas an analog one is roughly, you know, if
you had an analog light, you can turn it up and you can have it on any kind of level.
If you've got a digital light, it's on or off or 50, 100. You cannot have 52, whereas analog, you
can have all of them. So when we store things in. I'm really geeking out here now, and I apologize,
I'll get back to like normal life in a moment but But when we store things in an analog way,
the brain doesn't know to go, okay, that's a conversation with your sister. I'm going to store that in truth.
And then you watch a movie that's very similar and your brain goes, I'm going to store that in the
movie Untruth, or maybe partly true. If it's based on true story, your brain doesn't know those things. So what
your brain does is just store everything in the best way, in a mingled way somehow in your mind. And
it relies on the way we recreate it. And it's, it's very similar to if you bump into when
I was visiting my nan in hospital just a couple of years ago and she was
90 something, and I'm trying to remember her exact age and I'm gonna get it wrong if I say it.
So she was 90 something and she couldn't remember what she had for dinner, she couldn't remember what was going
on or who visited the day before yeah I would sit there and she would tell me in brilliant detail
about where she was a wren and working in Scotland and working on the um
airplanes during the war. And she told me about this wonderful story about the way when the pilots
would go out and fly sorties over Europe, but just before they went out they would have a little box
and they would put them on the table on the way out the door. And that was their belongings and
that was the different things that they would want to go to their family as their letter and things like
that. And then when they come back, they would pick up these boxes and they were taken back to their
their dorms or wherever they were sleeping. And she would always look, her and her friends would always look to
see if there's any boxes left, because if if there was a box left, it meant they didn't come home.
And
she told this story with vivid detail. The colour of the boxes, the size of the boxes.
How can someone do that yet they cannot remember? Now then, in part it's the way we store things, in
part the way the, the brain isn't very Good at doing it as it gets older, the proteins and all
that and the neurons. You know, I'm not a neurologist, but it gets harder to do. The more you do
something, the harder it becomes. And it depreciates eventually. But how can they remember something 80 years
before? Well, they're not remembering the event 80 years before. They're remembering the last
time they recalled it. So that event was stored at the time with a great emotional impact. So
whenever we have a big emotional impact, whether really good or really, like, painful, we store
it with great vivid detail. You know, the smell, the situation, everything. We store it with great detail
and we can recall it really quickly. And there's a reason for this. You know, it protects us. You know,
you don't need. You don't drink the same alcohol that made you really, really poorly at the age of 15
ever again, because you smell it and that's it nope can't touch it. So it's the same reason my nan
stored that memory of those boxes with great, vivid detail. And every time she'd
retell it, she would retell it with passion and and real emotion. And I loved hearing that story she told
me several times when I was going out there about that story and about the way they had a dial
that was upside down and things like that. She wasn't remembering the event, and it probably
wasn't even much like the event anymore.
But with all the movies she's watched, all the different things she watched and the things, it's. It's a combination.
It's like a hybrid version of what did happen then. Some of it is true. Some
of it is mixed with movies and mixed with other things. Some of it, like, probably even
made up completely and. But we all do that. Right back to the conversation with
my sister and the argument two hours later. You did say that. You didn't say that. I know I said
that. We're so convinced that our memory is perfect
that we argue, well,
guess what? Your memory is not perfect. You're not remembering the event. You're not. You haven't got
this recorder in your mind of what was said, how it was said, the tone of it, everything. You just
haven't.
But it's not exact. And
this. Just realising this stops us arguing, makes us realise that our memories are flawed.
