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Episode 114 · 1 March 2024 · 19:22

Moving Forward: The Power of Forgiveness in Overcoming the Past

Who is the hardest person to forgive? Usually yourself. The lad who used to beat me up on the way to school told me years later that I had saved his life.

Subject: Letting Go & Forgiveness

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Stillness in the Storms · Episode 114

Who is the hardest person to forgive? Usually yourself. The lad who used to beat me up on the way to school told me years later that I had saved his life.

We moved to Truro, into a caravan first, and I was bullied at school. I met him in town a couple of years ago and he said I had no idea how much I saved his life. I said yes, you used to beat me up on the way there. The harder one is me. I still feel like a burden even with paid carers, and that is shame I have not forgiven myself for yet. You cannot push pain away. It just keeps rumbling on underneath.

One thing to try: Pick one thing over the next fortnight and work on forgiving it. Start with yourself if that is the honest answer.

In this episode

  • (0:01) Going back to basics on forgiveness
  • (3:15) Moving to Truro, the caravan, and being bullied at school
  • (5:13) Meeting him in town, and what he said to me
  • (6:39) Still feeling like a burden, and the shame underneath it
  • (9:45) You cannot push pain away, it keeps rumbling along
  • (11:27) Have you really moved on, or have you just stopped looking
  • (13:05) Not getting rid of it. Taking the lesson out of it
  • (14:50) Reconciliation, including with yourself

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

The question this answers

Who is the hardest person to forgive?

Usually yourself. I have tried to record this episode more than once and deleted it, because forgiveness is enormous and because I am still in the middle of the self part of it.

The heart of it

  • Not forgiving somebody is like drinking poison and waiting for them to feel ill. They have moved on. You are the one left holding it.
  • Nothing here requires them. You never have to tell them, and they do not need to know.

We moved to Truro when I was about ten. A caravan first, then a house near the primary school. I was the new one, and there was an estate above ours I had to walk through twice a day.

Every last lunch break I made sure my coat and bag were in my hand, because I had to reach the green before he did. If he got there first I either ran the gauntlet or went the long way round and got in trouble at home for being late. I could not tell my parents I was being beaten up at the school I actually liked.

Three years later I heard somebody shouting for help. It was him. He had cut his leg and I ran up through the top estate to fetch his mum.

I bumped into him in town a couple of years ago. He said I had no idea how much I saved his life. I said yes, you used to beat me up on the way to school. He waved it off. It did not really matter though, did it. Yes. It really did.

The harder one is me. I broke my own neck diving into that pool, and there is nobody to blame, so there is nobody to forgive.

Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I had somebody else to blame. Then at least there would be a tangible person to forgive.

For thirty years I would not ask for anything. Somebody in a shop offers to pass me something and I say no thanks, I am fine. At an air show a year after the accident, two servicemen offered to help me into the cockpit of a fighter jet and I said no and had myself pushed away. Years later I understood I had deprived them of helping me.

That is shame, and it is what has not been forgiven.

Jack Kornfield lays out the stages, and they run roughly: understand the hurt honestly without minimising or inflating it, find some empathy, be genuinely willing, release the grievance, notice what that gives you, and then reconcile.

Releasing it is not deleting it. Imagine dragging a weight on a string along a beach. Put it down and it is still there, still visible, still something you could trip on. But you have walked away from it, and every year it has less pull, and you stop leaving that great trench behind you.

One small thing to try

Pick one thing over the next fortnight and work on forgiving it. Start with yourself if that is the honest answer.

And hold this alongside. You have no idea what the alternative would have been. We always imagine the version where it did not happen through rose tinted glass. There is no time machine. There is only the trajectory you are actually on, and you can change that.

Questions people ask

Does forgiving mean what they did was acceptable?

No. It is not condoning anything and it is not reconciliation. It is about what you are carrying, which is a separate question from what they deserve.

Why is forgiving myself harder?

Because you have the inside information. With somebody else you only know the outside, and you can give them the benefit of the doubt you refuse yourself.

What if I do not want to let it go?

Then notice that, honestly. Sometimes carrying it gives us an identity, and we do not know who we would be without it. Recognising that is the whole first stage.

Read along

The transcript

It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.

forgiveness · letting-go · self-compassion · healing · personal-story

Read the transcript

Hello, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this is the podcast that helps

you to see life differently to get you through the most difficult times. I'm going to talk about forgiveness this

week because it's such an important subject.

I'm working on forgiving myself. I say that with a deep breath, working on it because every time I think

I've done it, every time I think I'm there, I realise I'm not at all. And it's an ongoing process

and it keeps coming up. And each time I catch it quicker but it does mean it's still there, there's

still work to be done and I think that's normal. So first of all, thank you for donating to the

show. Thank you for the coffees. Thank you for being members. And if you'd like to support the show, the

shows are becoming more popular, and I'm still I don't want to go down the sponsorship room I suppose you

guys sponsor it really by treating me to a coffee and helping to pay for the show and the hosting.

So just deeply grateful to you for supporting me, supporting the show, and by doing that, you're helping others.

You're awesome. And if you cannot support the show in that way, just leave a review or just follow it

or whatever on your platform. It all helps. It all helps these algorithms and things like that. Don't really understand

them, but I know it helps. So thank you all right Let's get on today's show because there's a lot

to cover. And knowing me, I will go off on tangents, and I will come back and all that. And

I've got a screen in front of me with loads of different pages of notes that I've been looking up

over the last few days about forgiveness. And I wanted to simplify it and go back because I've kind of

been procrastinating over this show too much. And I've tried to record it a couple of times and I've gone

and deleted it because forgiveness is a huge, huge topic. But, boy, is it so rewarding.

It really is for ourselves and I know that's a a simple meme, but it really is. It frees us.

I think it was a Buddha that said, and I haven't got this quote in front of me so I'm

probably going to butcher it, but I think it was the Buddha said um not forgiving someone is like handing

them poison but drinking it yourself. And that's so true. Very often someone does something to us. They may not

realise the consequences of what they do, and they get on with their lives, and you're left with all the

mess. You're left the one to deal with it for many years to come. And they're off doing their thing.

And especially when it comes to relationships and things like that, people do make mistakes in relationships. They go and

do these terrible things. And then before you know it, they're off on the next, I don't know, next thing

that they're doing or whatever, and not sparing a thought for you or the people are left behind in the

aftermath. And especially as with children so many things happen to us as we're growing up from abuse and

parents and siblings and I

don't know whether it's relentless or whether it's one-offs and things like that. There's so many things that happened to

us. I remember being bullied at school. I don't think I've ever shared this story. So when I moved to

Truro, we were first of all, we moved into a caravan, and then we moved into a house near my

local primary school. And as I moved in there, I was the new kid on the block. And above that

estate, there was another estate that I had to walk through every single day coming home from school or going

to school. And I was I don't know may have been 10. I used to always my last lunch

break, I used to make sure my coat and my bag was either in my hand or I it was

there ready for me to pick up really quickly because I had to get to the green area on the

estate above me before this particular person. If he got there before me, I I I either had to run

the gauntlet through him and his friends or I had to go the long way around. And if I went

the long way around, I would get in trouble my parents would be late but I couldn't tell my parents

I was been beaten up in this new school that I loved. I didn't mind the school. I just didn't

like been beaten up most days on the way home.

And this guy that did it to me for so many years, I really I grew to really hate him.

And now that I look back, I know he was trying to fit in with his peers and he was

trying to do his thing. He seen me as a vulnerable person that he could climb through the ranks of

hierarchy the way they were seen on The Estates and all. But, ultimately, it was about three years later

that I heard a voice screaming out, help. Help. And I went to see it was him. And he cut

his leg, and I ran to get his parents all the way up through the top estate and his mum

come down, and we got him to hospital wouldn't he I bumped into him. I did a couple of years

ago in town. And he said to me, you saved my life. You have no idea how much you saved

my life. I remember saying, yeah, you believe me. You used to beat me up on the way home from

school. And he so brushed it away. He's like, yeah it didn't really matter, though did it It's like, yes.

It really did. It really had an impact on me.

And I think really with me saving his life so many years later, I don't think I saved his life

at all. He would not have led to death. I don't think he was any kind of real danger, But

he believed that and I think in some way that helped me to forgive him and move on because it

changed the hierarchy. I don't know why I shared that story. That wasn't really I'm going to quickly share another

story about um forgiveness of myself, if you don't mind that makes this podcast slightly longer. When I dived into

the swimming pool, I had no idea that I was going to blame myself for the next 30 years.

I had no one to blame when I broke my neck. I dived in myself. I broke my neck. I

ended up severely paralysed in a wheelchair And for 30 years, I would not like asking people for help. I

always wanted to give back. I would go into a shop and someone would say, would you like me to

pass that to you? I go, No. Thank god. I'm all right So I didn't like putting on people. I

always felt I was a burden of people and I still feel that now. I have carers that are paid

and things like that. I still feel like I'm a burden to everybody And that's because I have a deep

shame that I haven't forgiven myself. It's getting better. I'm reducing it. But sometimes I

feel that it would be easier for me to have someone else to blame then I would have a focus

to someone to forgive, an actual tangible person to forgive. When we're trying to forgive

ourselves, how do we do that? Of course, Stevie exists in some way in the narrative inside of me as

an ego how do you forgive that person when that was the person that did it to that

person? It's the same entity. And it's really difficult because we have inside information. So, yeah, I

I'm finding it difficult to forgive myself. And I just want to say how much the

work I did to forgive myself, it's not there yet, but it's to the point where I'm able to ask

you. Say ah can you donate to this podcast? I'm able to ask for help because I don't have editors.

I don't have the means. I don't have a full-time job and things like that. I'm hoping these podcasts at

some point will give me an income. I'm hoping the more people I help and reach will get me

to a point where I can have a monthly income and I can be more proud of what I do.

Meanwhile, I love what I do. But there is still an element of shame. And that shame

held me back for such a long time. I

just wouldn't ask. And I remember being at an air show about a year after my accident,

and a couple of servicemen said, would you like to sit in the cockpit of the fighter jet? I said,

oh, no. No. No. No. And I got my carer to push me out the way, and we went off

and the rest of the show. But I realised years later that those guys wanted to help me. I deprived

them of helping me, and that was my shame. And

I never realised it come down to forgiving myself. Unless

I forgive myself, I would always have that shame mumbling along So although I've lifted out of that feeling most

of the time now, it still does come up.

I don't know I don't know if it helps sharing that story. But forgiving ourselves is really difficult. So I

want to talk about the five-step process that Jack cornfield shares about forgiving. And the first one and I

think the first one is understanding the hurt, you know, recognising and acknowledging the pain that you've experienced or

course It's about being honest. It's about being honest with yourself. It's been honest with the hurt

without suppressing or exaggerating it. I think that's really important. It's painful enough without actually exaggerating it. And

you cannot just push it away. Because if you push away pain and hurt, it just keeps rumbling along. And

then the next phase is empathy and compassion. This

stage involves developing empathy and either for those who have wronged us or for ourselves, you know, recognising

that I couldn't do any different. It's what I've done. It's okay. You know? Don't be so harsh.

Having a little compassion for them. Very often, people do things that they don't mean to do. They

don't know the consequences. They're not thinking about your life ahead of what they're a little bit of bullying or

what they say or what they do. How it's going to affect you for sometimes decades ahead. They have no

idea. It was Jesus when he was been nailed to the cross. Forgive them. They don't know what they do.

I don't think he said it quite that way. I think he said it a lot more adequately than I

said it. Well, it's certainly written in the Bible a lot more adequately anyway. But forgive them. They don't know

what they do. And people do things and then years later, think, why did I do that? I wish I

hadn't done that And I think we've got to understand that when people do things, they're not always aware of

the consequence of what they do. Very often, a lot of the time, they're not even aware of what they're

doing. And

number three is willingness to forgive. You have to be willing to forgive. Very often, we think on the

outside, yeah, I'm willing to forgive them. I forgot about it. I've moved on and all that. Have you really?

And bearing in mind, this is not anything to do with them. You don't even have to communicate with them.

You don't even have to talk to them. You don't even have to let them know you've forgiven them. It's

all internally what you're doing internally. But you have to have that willingness to do it. It

doesn't mean condoning the hurtful action. It doesn't mean that it was okay what they did. It

just means that you're getting to grip with your emotional well-being. You're actually looking at it and seeing what

you can do with it.

Number four releasing the grievance.

Here, the focus is on letting go of the story and the emotions that tie to the hurt. Then

letting go of it means it's no longer going to have a pull on you still going to be there.

You imagine carrying a heavy weight that's on a string. When you leave it go, it drops on the floor.

It's still there. You can still see it. You can still trip over it. It doesn't mean that it's gone.

This um forgive and forget, just it's impossible. But as you walk away from it, as you dropped it and

walked away from it,

it will start to fade. It will start to have less influence on you. There's less chance of it tripping

you up. Do you know This is a really good metaphor. I'm like walking along the beach carrying a weight

on a piece of string. It's like letting it go. It's not a matter of getting rid of it and

forgetting it. It's actually very good lessons. And

that moves on to number five reflecting on the benefits. Understanding the benefits of forgiveness such as inner

peace, improved mental health,

the ability to just move forward. Now that weight is not there. You're not dragging it.

And the problem is when you're dragging it I'm going to really milk this metaphor now. You're dragging it in

a big hole in the sand. And as you're dragging it, as the years go on, there's more sand in

front of it and you're leaving. The great big trench you're leaving in the sand is there for everybody you

see but

Sometimes we don't want to be free. Sometimes it gives us the benefit to keep hold of this. If I

leave go of this, I don't know who I'm going to be Who's my identity? This is important to me.

This is who I am carrying this around.

If you're listening to this and that is where you're to, I think you'll recognise it. With a heavy heart,

you might recognise. You might try to deny it, but I think at each one of these stages, you'll see

where you're to. And it's not about forgive everything. Forgive everything and move on or every single thing that's ever

happened to us that other people have done or the things we've done from the mild things to the big

things, they're all things that we have to work on with the forgiveness

So reflecting on the benefits was number five And

finally, number six reconciliation or release. The final stage can be the reconciliation with the

person involved, or in the case of self-forgiveness a reconciliation with oneself. I'm not sure quite what that looks like.

I don't think maybe I've got there.

You know? If I could do that with myself, what would it be? Like, sitting in the meditation and being

okay with what I did,

realising that I didn't do a dumb ass thing deliberately. It was a dumb ass thing diving off the wall

but I was trying to show off in front of women. I was 18 years old.

It's what 18 you old boys do. I didn't even get a date out of it. Okay. Well, I didn't

get a date because I ended up paralysed in hospital. So where was I gonna go the next day? Hey.

Come and bring a meal into the hospital to me. Anyway so you're going off on a tangent. I just

find that really funny. It's like, you imagine lying in bed the next day, tubes and all hanging out of

me And one of the females that was there that night comes in and goes, I was really impressed for

your diet last night. Here's a takeaway meal. Can we have a date in the hospital? Why am I even

thinking about that that's just it just comes up just such a brilliant image. I love it. Anyway, maybe that's

where I am forgiving myself because in one way, I look at my accident that I don't know the alternative.

And I think it's really important when it comes to the forgiveness, actually and I'm going to talk about it

briefly. You don't know what would have happened if they hadn't done what they did or you hadn't done what

you did. We often think that if they didn't cheat on us, or they didn't hurt us, or they didn't

do that to us as a child, we often think the alternative is through a rose-tinted glasses. And I'm not

saying it's a good thing that happened. Not at all. And I wouldn't wish it on anybody to have bad

things happen to them, or them do bad things. But once something happens, you cannot go back and change it.

There is no time machine. There is no way of changing what's currently happening, let alone what happened in the

past. The only thing you can do is recognise that it happened, and this is the trajectory I'm on. You

can change the trajectory, but it's really important with forgiveness that there is no alternative to what happened.

And

in actual fact to find the gift in it. Maybe maybe if someone cheated or maybe someone hurt you. Maybe

it stopped you from something worse that you don't know about. You know? Who knows? But,

yeah, that's what I think about forgiveness. Forgiveness is so important. And I think when we look around our lives

so what what thought do I want to leave you with? I want to leave you with, can you work

on something over the next two or three weeks Perhaps you can go over to StevenWebb.uk and

message me something that you're going to work on forgiving yourself or somebody else bear in mind It's got

nothing to do with them. They don't even know you're working on it. Trust me. They moved on. They don't

care

they're not caring whether you've forgiven them or not. Trust me. They they've got enough problems in their life without

worrying whether you're forgiving them or not. And secondly, internally ourselves, what are we forgiving ourselves for? Because, otherwise,

it'll keep bubbling along and have an effect on your life. So what one thing are you gonna that you've

been dragging around in the sand that you're gonna let go of and move on?

Just give that a thought.

And if you'd like to message me, email me. I would love I love hearing from you um go to

StevenWebb.uk and there's a link there where you can email me.

Thank you to everyone that supports. If you could support the podcast, you're awesome. If you can donate a coffee,

there's a link below where you can go to StevenWebb.uk I think I've mentioned the website enough already um If

you can leave a review take a star or whatever, follow the podcast. Best of all, just take a deep

breath and forgive yourself. Just imagine what it's like to let that go. Take care,

and I love you.

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