Moving Forward: The Power of Forgiveness in Overcoming the Past

0:01Hello, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this is the podcast that helps

0:07you to see life differently to get you through the most difficult times. I'm going to talk about forgiveness this

0:14week because it's such an important subject.

0:18I'm working on forgiving myself. I say that with a deep breath, working on it because every time I think

0:24I've done it, every time I think I'm there, I realise I'm not at all. And it's an ongoing process

0:32and it keeps coming up. And each time I catch it quicker but it does mean it's still there, there's

0:39still work to be done and I think that's normal. So first of all, thank you for donating to the

0:45show. Thank you for the coffees. Thank you for being members. And if you'd like to support the show, the

0:51shows are becoming more popular, and I'm still I don't want to go down the sponsorship room I suppose you

0:58guys sponsor it really by treating me to a coffee and helping to pay for the show and the hosting.

1:03So just deeply grateful to you for supporting me, supporting the show, and by doing that, you're helping others.

1:10You're awesome. And if you cannot support the show in that way, just leave a review or just follow it

1:18or whatever on your platform. It all helps. It all helps these algorithms and things like that. Don't really understand

1:25them, but I know it helps. So thank you all right Let's get on today's show because there's a lot

1:31to cover. And knowing me, I will go off on tangents, and I will come back and all that. And

1:38I've got a screen in front of me with loads of different pages of notes that I've been looking up

1:43over the last few days about forgiveness. And I wanted to simplify it and go back because I've kind of

1:50been procrastinating over this show too much. And I've tried to record it a couple of times and I've gone

1:56and deleted it because forgiveness is a huge, huge topic. But, boy, is it so rewarding.

2:04It really is for ourselves and I know that's a a simple meme, but it really is. It frees us.

2:11I think it was a Buddha that said, and I haven't got this quote in front of me so I'm

2:15probably going to butcher it, but I think it was the Buddha said um not forgiving someone is like handing

2:21them poison but drinking it yourself. And that's so true. Very often someone does something to us. They may not

2:29realise the consequences of what they do, and they get on with their lives, and you're left with all the

2:34mess. You're left the one to deal with it for many years to come. And they're off doing their thing.

2:41And especially when it comes to relationships and things like that, people do make mistakes in relationships. They go and

2:47do these terrible things. And then before you know it, they're off on the next, I don't know, next thing

2:53that they're doing or whatever, and not sparing a thought for you or the people are left behind in the

3:00aftermath. And especially as with children so many things happen to us as we're growing up from abuse and

3:07parents and siblings and I

3:12don't know whether it's relentless or whether it's one-offs and things like that. There's so many things that happened to

3:17us. I remember being bullied at school. I don't think I've ever shared this story. So when I moved to

3:24Truro, we were first of all, we moved into a caravan, and then we moved into a house near my

3:31local primary school. And as I moved in there, I was the new kid on the block. And above that

3:37estate, there was another estate that I had to walk through every single day coming home from school or going

3:43to school. And I was I don't know may have been 10. I used to always my last lunch

3:51break, I used to make sure my coat and my bag was either in my hand or I it was

3:57there ready for me to pick up really quickly because I had to get to the green area on the

4:03estate above me before this particular person. If he got there before me, I I I either had to run

4:10the gauntlet through him and his friends or I had to go the long way around. And if I went

4:16the long way around, I would get in trouble my parents would be late but I couldn't tell my parents

4:21I was been beaten up in this new school that I loved. I didn't mind the school. I just didn't

4:27like been beaten up most days on the way home.

4:30And this guy that did it to me for so many years, I really I grew to really hate him.

4:37And now that I look back, I know he was trying to fit in with his peers and he was

4:42trying to do his thing. He seen me as a vulnerable person that he could climb through the ranks of

4:48hierarchy the way they were seen on The Estates and all. But, ultimately, it was about three years later

4:56that I heard a voice screaming out, help. Help. And I went to see it was him. And he cut

5:04his leg, and I ran to get his parents all the way up through the top estate and his mum

5:10come down, and we got him to hospital wouldn't he I bumped into him. I did a couple of years

5:14ago in town. And he said to me, you saved my life. You have no idea how much you saved

5:19my life. I remember saying, yeah, you believe me. You used to beat me up on the way home from

5:23school. And he so brushed it away. He's like, yeah it didn't really matter, though did it It's like, yes.

5:29It really did. It really had an impact on me.

5:33And I think really with me saving his life so many years later, I don't think I saved his life

5:39at all. He would not have led to death. I don't think he was any kind of real danger, But

5:45he believed that and I think in some way that helped me to forgive him and move on because it

5:51changed the hierarchy. I don't know why I shared that story. That wasn't really I'm going to quickly share another

5:58story about um forgiveness of myself, if you don't mind that makes this podcast slightly longer. When I dived into

6:05the swimming pool, I had no idea that I was going to blame myself for the next 30 years.

6:12I had no one to blame when I broke my neck. I dived in myself. I broke my neck. I

6:18ended up severely paralysed in a wheelchair And for 30 years, I would not like asking people for help. I

6:26always wanted to give back. I would go into a shop and someone would say, would you like me to

6:29pass that to you? I go, No. Thank god. I'm all right So I didn't like putting on people. I

6:34always felt I was a burden of people and I still feel that now. I have carers that are paid

6:41and things like that. I still feel like I'm a burden to everybody And that's because I have a deep

6:47shame that I haven't forgiven myself. It's getting better. I'm reducing it. But sometimes I

6:55feel that it would be easier for me to have someone else to blame then I would have a focus

7:01to someone to forgive, an actual tangible person to forgive. When we're trying to forgive

7:09ourselves, how do we do that? Of course, Stevie exists in some way in the narrative inside of me as

7:16an ego how do you forgive that person when that was the person that did it to that

7:24person? It's the same entity. And it's really difficult because we have inside information. So, yeah, I

7:32I'm finding it difficult to forgive myself. And I just want to say how much the

7:40work I did to forgive myself, it's not there yet, but it's to the point where I'm able to ask

7:46you. Say ah can you donate to this podcast? I'm able to ask for help because I don't have editors.

7:53I don't have the means. I don't have a full-time job and things like that. I'm hoping these podcasts at

7:59some point will give me an income. I'm hoping the more people I help and reach will get me

8:07to a point where I can have a monthly income and I can be more proud of what I do.

8:13Meanwhile, I love what I do. But there is still an element of shame. And that shame

8:21held me back for such a long time. I

8:25just wouldn't ask. And I remember being at an air show about a year after my accident,

8:31and a couple of servicemen said, would you like to sit in the cockpit of the fighter jet? I said,

8:38oh, no. No. No. No. And I got my carer to push me out the way, and we went off

8:44and the rest of the show. But I realised years later that those guys wanted to help me. I deprived

8:50them of helping me, and that was my shame. And

8:55I never realised it come down to forgiving myself. Unless

9:00I forgive myself, I would always have that shame mumbling along So although I've lifted out of that feeling most

9:08of the time now, it still does come up.

9:11I don't know I don't know if it helps sharing that story. But forgiving ourselves is really difficult. So I

9:18want to talk about the five-step process that Jack cornfield shares about forgiving. And the first one and I

9:26think the first one is understanding the hurt, you know, recognising and acknowledging the pain that you've experienced or

9:34course It's about being honest. It's about being honest with yourself. It's been honest with the hurt

9:41without suppressing or exaggerating it. I think that's really important. It's painful enough without actually exaggerating it. And

9:49you cannot just push it away. Because if you push away pain and hurt, it just keeps rumbling along. And

9:57then the next phase is empathy and compassion. This

10:01stage involves developing empathy and either for those who have wronged us or for ourselves, you know, recognising

10:09that I couldn't do any different. It's what I've done. It's okay. You know? Don't be so harsh.

10:16Having a little compassion for them. Very often, people do things that they don't mean to do. They

10:24don't know the consequences. They're not thinking about your life ahead of what they're a little bit of bullying or

10:30what they say or what they do. How it's going to affect you for sometimes decades ahead. They have no

10:38idea. It was Jesus when he was been nailed to the cross. Forgive them. They don't know what they do.

10:44I don't think he said it quite that way. I think he said it a lot more adequately than I

10:50said it. Well, it's certainly written in the Bible a lot more adequately anyway. But forgive them. They don't know

10:56what they do. And people do things and then years later, think, why did I do that? I wish I

11:02hadn't done that And I think we've got to understand that when people do things, they're not always aware of

11:09the consequence of what they do. Very often, a lot of the time, they're not even aware of what they're

11:14doing. And

11:17number three is willingness to forgive. You have to be willing to forgive. Very often, we think on the

11:24outside, yeah, I'm willing to forgive them. I forgot about it. I've moved on and all that. Have you really?

11:30And bearing in mind, this is not anything to do with them. You don't even have to communicate with them.

11:36You don't even have to talk to them. You don't even have to let them know you've forgiven them. It's

11:41all internally what you're doing internally. But you have to have that willingness to do it. It

11:48doesn't mean condoning the hurtful action. It doesn't mean that it was okay what they did. It

11:56just means that you're getting to grip with your emotional well-being. You're actually looking at it and seeing what

12:04you can do with it.

12:06Number four releasing the grievance.

12:11Here, the focus is on letting go of the story and the emotions that tie to the hurt. Then

12:19letting go of it means it's no longer going to have a pull on you still going to be there.

12:26You imagine carrying a heavy weight that's on a string. When you leave it go, it drops on the floor.

12:33It's still there. You can still see it. You can still trip over it. It doesn't mean that it's gone.

12:41This um forgive and forget, just it's impossible. But as you walk away from it, as you dropped it and

12:49walked away from it,

12:51it will start to fade. It will start to have less influence on you. There's less chance of it tripping

12:58you up. Do you know This is a really good metaphor. I'm like walking along the beach carrying a weight

13:04on a piece of string. It's like letting it go. It's not a matter of getting rid of it and

13:08forgetting it. It's actually very good lessons. And

13:13that moves on to number five reflecting on the benefits. Understanding the benefits of forgiveness such as inner

13:21peace, improved mental health,

13:24the ability to just move forward. Now that weight is not there. You're not dragging it.

13:32And the problem is when you're dragging it I'm going to really milk this metaphor now. You're dragging it in

13:37a big hole in the sand. And as you're dragging it, as the years go on, there's more sand in

13:42front of it and you're leaving. The great big trench you're leaving in the sand is there for everybody you

13:49see but

13:51Sometimes we don't want to be free. Sometimes it gives us the benefit to keep hold of this. If I

13:56leave go of this, I don't know who I'm going to be Who's my identity? This is important to me.

14:03This is who I am carrying this around.

14:08If you're listening to this and that is where you're to, I think you'll recognise it. With a heavy heart,

14:15you might recognise. You might try to deny it, but I think at each one of these stages, you'll see

14:20where you're to. And it's not about forgive everything. Forgive everything and move on or every single thing that's ever

14:28happened to us that other people have done or the things we've done from the mild things to the big

14:35things, they're all things that we have to work on with the forgiveness

14:41So reflecting on the benefits was number five And

14:46finally, number six reconciliation or release. The final stage can be the reconciliation with the

14:54person involved, or in the case of self-forgiveness a reconciliation with oneself. I'm not sure quite what that looks like.

15:01I don't think maybe I've got there.

15:03You know? If I could do that with myself, what would it be? Like, sitting in the meditation and being

15:09okay with what I did,

15:13realising that I didn't do a dumb ass thing deliberately. It was a dumb ass thing diving off the wall

15:21but I was trying to show off in front of women. I was 18 years old.

15:26It's what 18 you old boys do. I didn't even get a date out of it. Okay. Well, I didn't

15:33get a date because I ended up paralysed in hospital. So where was I gonna go the next day? Hey.

15:38Come and bring a meal into the hospital to me. Anyway so you're going off on a tangent. I just

15:44find that really funny. It's like, you imagine lying in bed the next day, tubes and all hanging out of

15:48me And one of the females that was there that night comes in and goes, I was really impressed for

15:53your diet last night. Here's a takeaway meal. Can we have a date in the hospital? Why am I even

15:58thinking about that that's just it just comes up just such a brilliant image. I love it. Anyway, maybe that's

16:05where I am forgiving myself because in one way, I look at my accident that I don't know the alternative.

16:12And I think it's really important when it comes to the forgiveness, actually and I'm going to talk about it

16:16briefly. You don't know what would have happened if they hadn't done what they did or you hadn't done what

16:23you did. We often think that if they didn't cheat on us, or they didn't hurt us, or they didn't

16:28do that to us as a child, we often think the alternative is through a rose-tinted glasses. And I'm not

16:34saying it's a good thing that happened. Not at all. And I wouldn't wish it on anybody to have bad

16:40things happen to them, or them do bad things. But once something happens, you cannot go back and change it.

16:48There is no time machine. There is no way of changing what's currently happening, let alone what happened in the

16:56past. The only thing you can do is recognise that it happened, and this is the trajectory I'm on. You

17:02can change the trajectory, but it's really important with forgiveness that there is no alternative to what happened.

17:09And

17:11in actual fact to find the gift in it. Maybe maybe if someone cheated or maybe someone hurt you. Maybe

17:19it stopped you from something worse that you don't know about. You know? Who knows? But,

17:26yeah, that's what I think about forgiveness. Forgiveness is so important. And I think when we look around our lives

17:33so what what thought do I want to leave you with? I want to leave you with, can you work

17:39on something over the next two or three weeks Perhaps you can go over to StevenWebb.uk and

17:47message me something that you're going to work on forgiving yourself or somebody else bear in mind It's got

17:55nothing to do with them. They don't even know you're working on it. Trust me. They moved on. They don't

18:00care

18:02they're not caring whether you've forgiven them or not. Trust me. They they've got enough problems in their life without

18:09worrying whether you're forgiving them or not. And secondly, internally ourselves, what are we forgiving ourselves for? Because, otherwise,

18:17it'll keep bubbling along and have an effect on your life. So what one thing are you gonna that you've

18:22been dragging around in the sand that you're gonna let go of and move on?

18:28Just give that a thought.

18:30And if you'd like to message me, email me. I would love I love hearing from you um go to

18:37StevenWebb.uk and there's a link there where you can email me.

18:41Thank you to everyone that supports. If you could support the podcast, you're awesome. If you can donate a coffee,

18:47there's a link below where you can go to StevenWebb.uk I think I've mentioned the website enough already um If

18:54you can leave a review take a star or whatever, follow the podcast. Best of all, just take a deep

19:01breath and forgive yourself. Just imagine what it's like to let that go. Take care,

19:09and I love you.