Should you cut the negative people out of your life? Everyone on the spiritual path says yes. I think that is how you end up unable to deal with anything at all.
Should you cut the negative people out of your life? Everyone on the spiritual path says yes. I think that is how you end up unable to deal with anything at all.
It took two and a half hours to get me out of bed that morning. Hard on the carer and hard on me, and for the first two of those hours I was somewhere else entirely. The point of the practice is not sitting on a cushion. It is whether you can do it in a council meeting, or when the family are nagging. Cut out everything unpleasant and you lose the ability to say you are enjoying anything either.
One thing to try: Stay in one mildly annoying conversation today instead of leaving it.
In this episode
(0:07) Balance, and the middle way
(2:33) Can you do it in a council meeting? With family nagging?
(4:43) Two and a half hours to get out of bed that morning
(7:29) What meditation and mindfulness are actually for
(9:49) Get rid of the negative people, everybody says
(12:06) Lose that and you cannot say you enjoy anything either
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
Should you cut the negative people out of your life?
Everybody on the spiritual path says yes. I think that is how you end up unable to deal with anything at all.
The heart of it
Anybody can be serene on a cushion. The test is a council meeting.
What happened before lunch does not have to decide what happens after it.
The stick gets shorter every time you cut the end off, until nothing can be told apart from anything.
I recorded this at the end of a long day. Meetings from two in the afternoon until half past eight, about pedestrianisation and a development on the edge of the city. Not one of them about meditation.
And that morning it took two and a half hours to get me out of bed. Hard on my carer and hard on me, and I was groggy for the first two hours after it.
I did not decide the day was ruined. That is the whole episode really.
There is an old image for the middle way that I like more than any other. Hold the drumsticks too tightly and the music is rigid. Hold them too loosely and you drop them and there is no music. Hold them just enough and they bounce back to you and the music goes through your arms.
Now the bit that gets said constantly and is wrong. Remove the negative people. Protect your energy.
Your children are negative sometimes. So is your family. Walk into a shop where somebody has just been shouted at, asked the same question forty times and had the worst phone call of their year, and they may not be delightful to you. That is not a drain on your soul. That is a Tuesday.
There are people who bring everybody down permanently and you need not seek them out. Everybody else is just on the wrong end of their own stick that day, the way you are on yours sometimes.
And that is the second image. One end of the stick is what you enjoy, the other is what you do not. Everybody wants to saw off the bad end. Do it enough and the stick is so short that both ends are in the same place, and you can no longer tell whether you are enjoying something or not.
One small thing to try
Ask your body to show you what it is like to relax.
Not tell it. Nobody has ever relaxed because they were instructed to. Try it on somebody mid argument and see how it goes.
Ask instead. Show me what relaxed feels like. Then wait. Most of your muscles will answer, and several of them will behave as though they have been waiting all day to be asked.
Questions people ask
Does the spiritual path make life easier?
It does not. The universe is not keeping a ledger and does not decide you have had enough. What changes is what you bring to the days, not what the days bring to you.
What if somebody really is draining me?
Then keep your distance without turning it into a verdict on them. Understanding and compassion cost you nothing, and you do not have to spend every Sunday with somebody to have either.
How do I judge whether the day went well?
By whether you can put your head on the pillow and say you did all right. Not whether it went to plan. Mine started with two and a half hours I would not wish on anybody, and I still slept content.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
buddhism · suffering · mindfulness · acceptance
Read the transcript
Foreign.
Hey, welcome to this week's podcast.
I'm Stephen Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms.
I want to talk about balance and the middle way.
And in particular I've had a really long day and I've been in
meetings most of the day.
I've been in meetings with the council because I'm city councillor
as well as a meditation and mindfulness coach.
And in city council meetings they can be sometimes long, really
tiring.
And I started my first meeting today with another group.
This wasn't to do with the council, but at 2pm today.
And I finished my meetings with a couple of gaps in between
around about 8:30 this evening.
So it's been a long, long day staring at the computer screen and
trying to stay mindful, trying to stay present with it.
And I love my life.
I really enjoy my life and it's about balance and it's what
I realize.
I'm sitting here now and I'm tired.
It's the end of the day and I'm going to go to bed tonight not
with the thought of I'm tired.
I don't like my life.
I don't like these meetings.
I'm going to go to bed, I'm going to put my head down with the
satisfaction and the feeling that I've done something today.
You know, we've discussed things about how to improve my local
city.
We've had a wider discussion about pedestrianization, we've included
other people's views.
And then we had another discussion about a big development
going on just inside of the city center or just offside the city
center.
And these aren't about spiritual things.
I don't sit in meetings all day about meditation and mindfulness
and all Zen like and read Zen books all day.
Now then, if I was to do that, I would, yes, I would enjoy that.
I would have a wonderful peaceful day.
I would feel wonderfully bliss.
But I wouldn't be part of everyday life.
I wouldn't have trying times that make it difficult for me.
And really the times that I have to practice more.
You know, anybody can practice down a cushion reading a Zenberg,
reading the wonderful quotes on the Internet and feeling beautifully
calm and serene when you're listening to the birds.
But can you do it in a council meeting?
Can you do it when your family are nagging you?
Can you do it?
Can you do it when that family member is stressing out?
Can you do it when that one person is pushing your buttons deliberately
to wind you up?
Can you stay calm and serene and come at that Moment from your
heart.
Can you be present in that moment without hating the moment,
without not wanting to be there?
And this is what it is about, is about the balance of these moments,
moment by moment.
Can you bring a bit of calmness?
Can you bring a breath to the moment?
Can you bring your presence to the moment?
And can you put your head down at night and go, do you know what
I done well today?
I'm doing okay.
If we go to bed at night and we put our head down and go, do you
know what I failed today?
I didn't stay present.
I wasn't very loving.
I said the wrong thing to that person and I should have done this,
I should have done that.
And don't get me wrong, some days I do.
Sometimes I get in bed and I'm tired and I might look up and go,
you know, I was supposed to do this, but I didn't do this today.
And things like that, that's the reality and it's just life.
But now I smile and I laugh at them and I laugh at my mind when
it's having a go at me and saying, you're, you're no good.
You won't achieve this.
You cannot do that.
You cannot even go through your 3 item to do list.
You cannot sit in meditation for more than five seconds without
your mind wandering to, oh, I must check Facebook.
So, you know, I'm paralyzed.
I have real difficulties in my life this morning.
My day started off really quite nasty.
And I'll be blunt with you.
You know, we all get it.
We all get an upset stomach.
Well, you try getting that when you're paralyzed and you need
help.
Yeah, not a pretty picture.
And so getting out of bed this morning took two and a half hours.
It was real hard on the carer and it was difficult on me.
And for the first two hours, I felt quite groggy.
But I didn't go out and say, right, my day's ruined.
I did not put a duvet around me and just lie in bed day and go,
do you know what?
I'm not going to bother today.
Because the first two hours started off bad.
It's about balance.
It's about looking at this moment and going, well, just because
the morning was bad doesn't mean to say the evening is bad.
You know, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe of a
groggy headache, not feeling great at all.
And then some people or some of us and me at times will let it
define my day.
It doesn't have to.
What's before lunch doesn't have to define your after lunch.
What's now doesn't have to define you in the next minute.
Having a bad day?
Take a little time out.
Take a deep breath and just relax.
And I say relax.
Invite your body to relax.
Don't.
Don't take it as I'm saying relax.
No one relaxes when someone tells them to relax.
Try it.
The next time someone's getting in your face, just look up
and go, just relax.
It's not gonna work.
Trust me, it doesn't work.
I've been with enough partners now to know that that never worked
with anybody.
I've tried it.
Just think positive.
Just relax.
Just chill out.
Take a chill pill.
You know, we've all heard those phrases.
Well, at one time in my life, I've said it to somebody, and it
doesn't work.
You can invite them to feel calm with you.
Just invite your body.
So you're sitting stressed.
You're sitting a little bit wound up.
The morning is not going well.
Just sit and go, hey, just relax with me a moment.
Just take a deep breath.
I'm breathing in now.
I'm breathing out.
And just say to your body, relax with me.
You can ask your body, what does it feel like to relax?
Show me what it feels like to relax.
And just wait for your body to relax.
You can do it now.
Whatever you're doing, you're listening to this podcast.
Just say to your body, show me what it's like to relax.
And just watch your body just go, whoa.
It's almost like every muscle in your body suddenly looks back
and goes, thank you.
Thank you.
And the whole idea of the meditation and.
Well, not the whole idea, but one of the ideas of meditation and
mindfulness and all that is to be able to bring back to that grounding
right this minute and just go, ah.
This moment isn't really as terrible as I thought.
That is the reality.
It's about.
It's about balance.
Your days are not going to be sweet and wonderful the minute you
embark on the spiritual journey.
I got bad news for you.
If you've been listening to my podcast for a while, you'll know
I don't promise any kind of spiritual bliss and happiness and
disconnection from any kind of problems.
The reality is your life will still give you problems.
The universe doesn't have.
It doesn't look up one day and say, ah, do you know what?
I've dished out enough hassle for him.
I'm going to move on to somebody else.
The universe is not Keeping score.
The universe is doing its thing.
You do your thing.
Allow the universe to flow through you.
Stop fighting it.
And that's about the balance.
And this wonderful example of the drumsticks, I love this example
that the middle way, the balance way, is like if you've got
a couple of drumsticks and if you hold them too tight, the music
is rigid and you hold them too loose, you drop the drumsticks, there's
no music.
Hold them loosely, let them beat the drum, let them bounce back,
let them come back against your hands and let the music flow
through your arms and through the universe.
Because that's how we find the music in life.
That's how we find the balance in life.
If you're looking for days that are just wonderful bliss, you
ain't got them.
They're not going to happen.
You know, the only way that's going to happen is if you totally
disconnect and you're not even part of life anymore.
You know, if you perhaps you make some kind of garden and you
go and live in your garden, you close and close down to the whole
world and not let anybody or anything in the whole.
So many people on the spiritual journey say, get rid of
negative people.
Get rid of any negative energy.
They will drain you down, they will ruin you, they will ruin your
life, they'll ruin your karma.
Well, that's just rubbish.
You know, your kids are negative.
Sometimes your family members are negative.
You go into a shop one day and the shopkeeper is having a terrible
time.
They've just been shouted at, They've just had somebody really
rude to them.
They've just had the same question asked 40 times.
And then we come along and for whatever reason we're nice and polite
and they're not supply to us.
And then we're like, oh, negative, horrible people.
How dare she?
We don't know what they've just been going through.
They just might have had the worst phone call with their lives.
The reality is we cannot avoid people that temporarily feel negative.
Yes, there is drainers that are always negative.
There's drainers that always appear to be bringing everybody else
down.
I'm not saying deliberately hang out with them, but have compassion
for them, understand them, and realize that you're negative sometimes.
That's about the balance.
I'm going to end this podcast with another, my second favorite
example, and I'm going to end up saying in a couple of days, my
favorite example is going to be something completely different.
I'm allowed to change my mind.
Okay?
From morning tonight, I Change my mind at least 10 times.
You know, it's.
It's what my mind does, and I love it.
It always keeps me entertained.
Right back to my second favorite example.
It's the stick.
One end, you got the stuff that you don't like, the unpleasant
stuff.
The other end, you've got the pleasant stuff.
And the problem is, what everybody wants to do is chop off
the unpleasant ends.
They want to disconnect from it, get rid of it.
And every time you chop it, that stick gets shorter and shorter
and shorter until it gets to a stage the stick is so short that
either end is.
Are not distinguishable from the other.
So your life becomes a mix of pleasure and bad all in one moment.
And you feel overwhelmed.
And you cannot.
You can no longer say, I'm enjoying that experience or I'm not
enjoying that experience.
So therefore, you cannot deal with situations.
The point is, pick up the stick, both ends, recognize that
you'll visit both ends, recognize that both ends are part
of your journey, part of your stick.
And recognize that everybody has different sticks, different lengths,
different sizes, and their unpleasantness is different to yours,
and their pleasantness is different to yours.
And recognize that sometimes they're on the unpleasant end of
their stick.
Don't knock them out of your life totally sometimes.
We've got to understand that everybody has bad days.
We have bad days.
It's about balance, you know, if you're opening your heart, you're
opening your heart to balance, to softening.
Between all these thoughts and feelings, I just had an idea.
And after a very, very long day of meetings, all day, and I still
love my life, I just wanted to share with you that just because
the day has not been the way you want it to be doesn't mean it's
a bad day.
You can still go to bed and put your head down on the pillow
and smile and go, I did all right.
I did all right today.
I'm Stephen Webb, and this is Stillness in the Storms.
And there'll be links below where you can support this podcast
