What does being genuine even mean when everybody only puts their best self out there? I thought I was authentic until I looked properly, and I am not.
I am freezing cold all the time, on painkillers all the time, and I have just started diabetic injections. Some days it takes two hours to get me out of bed. If I never say any of that, people ask how I manage it all and assume I am not suffering. You do not want to share every bad day. But if you only ever share the good ones, that is not honesty either.
One thing to try: Next time somebody asks how you are, answer one notch more honestly than you were going to.
In this episode
(0:05) What authentic even means now
(1:40) Assuming I was genuine, then realising I am not
(3:11) The nine types, and which box I am really in
(4:44) Gandhi, and doing everything for ourselves
(7:27) Cold, painkillers, and starting the diabetic injections
(9:06) The days it takes two hours to get me out of bed
(11:36) Phoning someone a fortnight later and hearing the truth
(12:51) How much do you share, and how often
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
What does being genuine even mean when everybody only puts their best self out there?
I thought I was authentic. I was certain of it, right up until I looked properly, and I am not. I am working on it, and some days go better than others.
The heart of it
Sharing only the good days is not honesty, even though nothing in it is a lie.
Whatever somebody says that really stings is usually worth looking at rather than arguing with.
Nobody is living the life their feed shows, and we all know it, and we compare ourselves to it anyway.
Somebody once texted me that I manipulate people. I was furious. How dare you. I fired something back within about four seconds.
Two or three years later I read about the Enneagram and found I am a type two, the helper. And one of the traits of the helper is manipulation. Doing things for people so that they need you to do more things for them. It can come from an entirely open heart and still be serving you.
Gandhi was asked once why he did so much for other people. He said, for myself. Which is either bleak or a relief depending on how long you sit with it, and I find it a relief.
Now the part this episode was actually recorded for. Within a few days I put up two posts. One was a bad day. The other was a night out meeting the Fisherman's Friends and Tim Rice, with the words living my best life on it.
Both were true. I am living my best life in the round. Not every day, and not every hour.
Here is what happens if I only ever post the second kind. Somebody in a position like mine sees it and asks how I manage it, and concludes I must not be suffering, and then asks what is wrong with them.
So here is the other column, plainly. I am freezing cold most of the time, and it is a horrible cold sweat rather than a warm one. I am on painkillers constantly, so I am tired. I have just started diabetic injections and my eating is all over the place. And about once a month there is a morning that takes two hours and several pairs of jeans and is a nightmare for everybody in the room.
And when I posted the bad day, people were kind, and I enjoyed it. I would not be being authentic if I told you otherwise. I have an ego the size of a house. I would not be a politician without one.
One small thing to try
Next time somebody asks how you are, answer one notch more honestly than you were going to.
Not the whole picture. One notch. Fine becomes a bit stretched this week. That is enough to start with.
And it does not have to be online. Ring somebody and say you are struggling. The audience of one is usually the better version anyway.
Questions people ask
Should I share everything then?
No, and I would not. If you are struggling most of the time you cannot post all of it, and nobody is asking you to. The test is whether anybody watching would recognise your actual life.
What about cutting negative people out?
I used to preach that and it is rubbish. Sometimes the person struggling is your child or your parent. You can say you are not in a state to take it on right now without deleting them from your life.
How do I know if I am being authentic?
Ask somebody to call you out on it, and mean the invitation. That is what I do at the end of the episode, and it is the only reliable test I have found.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
vulnerability · self-worth · values
Read the transcript
What does it mean now to be authentic?
What does it mean to be genuine when we're living in a world with social media and a world where
we seem to only put our best selves out there?
This week I put up a post on Facebook that wasn't my best day. And it was only a few
days after I put up a post that living my best life. And I want to talk about that on
today's podcast.
I'm Steven Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms. The podcast that helps you to see life a little
bit different. And especially your own lives a little bit different. Gives us a little more calmness in life.
Just before I start, I just want to give you a little bit of an update.
I'm still the Mayor of Truro and I'm not doing so many meditations and mindfulness online at the moment on
my page on Facebook. But I am still available I'm still got the other podcast. Inner Peace and meditations you
could search for it and I could put a link to it below this podcast. And you can still download
my book, Five Simple Practices for Inner Peace from my website, StevenWebb.uk. And if you want, you could buy me
a coffee. That would be awesome. Thank you um I want to talk about authenticity. And it's something that I'm
working on myself. It's something I read in a book a few years ago about being authentic. And I really
didn't recognise it at the time. And I was like, well, of course I'm authentic. I'm genuine. But the more
I realised that that the more I understand it, the more I realised I'm not. And the more I
try to be. And I certainly think during my teenage years, when I thought I was genuinely authentic, you know,
I always remember my mum looking up and saying, you know, you're not who you were three months ago. I
don't recognise who you've become. And I used to think, what do you mean I was still the same person.
Well, of course I she probably meant my stroppy teenage years and the stress and all that I probably put
her under. And boy, did I put her through a lot of stress. You know, I I was the typical
teenager um But yeah, I've always thought I was authentic. I always thought I was genuine. If anybody said anything
else, I would be really um triggered by it. And I remember at one point someone texted me and they
said, do you know what? You really manipulate people. I was like, oh my God, I was so devastated. The
fact that no, not me. I'm not a manipulator. Well I I in actual fact, whenever it triggers us,
whenever it really gets to us, we've got to look at ourselves and go uh there's something here. And it
took me about two, three years before I read about the helper on the Enneagram. And I'm a type two
So mine is the helper. And I'll put a link below this podcast to take a free test on the
Enneagram. There's nine types somewhere. At any point in time in our lives, we're one of those nine types with
a little bit of a wing of the other types. We're not normally so in the box, but I'm really
in the box of helper. And one thing I love about the Enneagrams, they're not like star signs or anything
like that don't like when you were born and all. They're actually based on questions of how you would deal
with life situation. So it actually is a real personality trait and it can change in life. You know,
you might be a type 1 during your teens and you might be a type 7 later life. It depends
on how you see life and how you're reacting to life at that point. But going back to me been
somebody saying to me I was a manipulator. Boy did that pee me off. I think I text back like
you what? How dare you call me that? I was so angry. But I found out one of the traits
of the helper it's they're manipulators. They do things for people to help manipulate them into you being able to
help them more. You know, they don't buy you gifts they may And it may come from a genuine place
of an open heart. It may come from a genuine place of wanting to help them. But it's still about
self-serving in some way. And it's about us making making ourselves feel good. Because, you know, we do
everything for ourselves. You know, let's get that out there as well. This may have some controversy here. But we
do everything for ourselves. And even when Gandhi was asked, at some point he was walking many miles and he
had a large group behind him. And somebody come over to him and said, you know, you do so much
for other people. You help so many people. Why do you do it? And he replied with, for
myself. And
it was very much, really? I thought you'd done it for them. And he said, well, yes, but it
makes me feel good. I very much feel like that now, whether or not it's just me realising it.
But, you know, I do things for myself. And if it makes me feel good, then it feels like the
right thing to do. If it doesn't feel good, I'm going in the wrong direction. So someone points out something
like I'm a manipulator
um I may be using it as a force for bad or something, but I'm using it in the wrong
way or And of course good there is good manipulation as well. I'm going slightly off topic here. This is
what I get when I don't script my podcast. But I want to talk about authenticity and you know being
genuine. Because I think we all believe we're genuine you know I I don't doubt that you know I don't
think anybody believes they're fake. But when we look at social media, when we look at our Twitters and when
we look at, you know I I'm a politician. Whether I like it or not, whether I admit to it
or not well just admit to it, being chair of Church City Council at the moment for the year, I'm
a politician. And in in part of that, we bring a certain something to the council. And I'd like
to think that I bring my authenticity. You know, not always. You cannot always say what you're really thinking because
it it may not go down too well. And people go, well, perhaps you should say what you're thinking. Well,
maybe. Some of the things I think just would not go down too well and I And I think, you
know, we do need to have filters on what we say. You know, I think the wisest person is the
one that doesn't say much. I talk way too much. Anyway, I'm sitting here doing a podcast. So.
What does it mean to be authentic? I I think in today's modern age with social media and all that,
being authentic is having a balance of what you share. And, you know, I'm paralysed.
I'm going through some real health issues at the moment with my sweating um And it's a really cold,
horrible sweat. It's not a warm sweat.
So I'm I'm really freezing cold all the time.
It's getting to me. I'm on painkillers all the time, so I feel tired. I've just started my diabetic injections
on a Monday, and that's whacking my eating pattern right out. It's like as if I just had a brick
every time I eat. And all these things are, and they're under medical review. We're getting an Mri scan and
things like that and So I'm not sharing that for sympathy or anything. I'm just saying that's what's going on
in my life. But then I go out and I take pictures with the litter pickers, which are doing an
incredible job in true I've got to go back and think of somewhere of rewarding them because, you know, I
don't know, like 30 litter pickers picked up so like 50 bin bags of rubbish over the few days. Incredible
job. But I go out and I take pictures and people see that on Facebook. And I went out to
the Fisherman Friends in the hallford Cornwall the other day and had such an amazing evening. I met the Fisherman
Friends. I met Tim Rice, Sir Tim Rice. And I I put up the hashtag living my best life.
And I I was. I am. In the overall scheme of things, I am living my best
possible life. It is awesome. Right now I'm having the most amazing experience,
but not every day, every hour. And when I put up that I'm living my best life and do all
these amazing things, it makes people in positions like me, like are paralysed or something like that, or somebody that
has problems, look up and go, well, wait a minute. How is he doing all that? Is he not suffering?
Well, if I didn't share the days I suffer and the days when it takes two hours to get me
out of bed because literally um I I'm trying to think of a delicate way of saying this, but
literally, I...
I'll just say I'm Talking about authenticity, when literally I didn't stop going toilet It's like a mess and nightmare
And I feel ill and I feel cold and the carers have literally got to clear me up several times
and several pairs of jeans. And that happens probably once a month and it's an bloody nightmare for everybody. If
I didn't share the bad days, I wouldn't be being honest. And
people would compare their lives with me and go, well, You
know, A, it must be easy for me mustn't have problems. And then they go, well, what's wrong with me?
You
know, I'm not as paralysed as him and I can't do what he's doing. Well, you know, maybe through tough
times I've I've grown some muscles I I don't know. Maybe, maybe I just I I don't know
in all fairness. And I think that's the genuine answer to it. But I think it's just important that we
share a lot more about our lives, the ups and downs. We don't want to share all the negativity. You
know, I don't believe in all this. Oh, think negative. All happy. You know, be positive. Let's ignore all um
negative people. Let's all be positive and think happy I done that I I used to lecture to people. All
you got to do is think positive. Sorry, that's Bs. You know, don't dump all negative people because then if
someone's dragging you down and you're not in a place to be able to deal with them, say, look, I'm
going through a tough time. I'm going to have to take a rain check at the moment. But I'm not
dumping on you. It's just I'm not in a place to be able to do with it at the moment
either and I love you still. So I get it. But sometimes it's our children, sometimes it's our parents or
our best friends that are going through a negative time. And I wouldn't want to dump on them and get
rid of them out of our lives. And some of the most positive and happiest people, I know how quickly
they hit rock bottom when things go wrong. You
know you know that person is always happy. Yeah, my life's just wonderful and amazing. And, you know, I'm doing
this and I'm doing that. And then you phone them up two weeks later and they go, I can't talk.
I'm sat next to the sofa and I'm rocking forward and back and my head's between my knees and I've
got to close the curtains and I can't deal with life. And then two days later, they're like, no, no,
all good. I'm sorted now again. That's, you know, share a bit of that. Let's show everybody the human condition
sucks The human condition isn't always rosy. And I shared
that on my page and I got a lot of sympathy and I got a lot of people loving me
and caring about me and I love that. And I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't tell you I did
not enjoy that. Of course I enjoyed that. Of course I put up the post for a bit of attention.
I
still got that voice inside of me that likes attention. I've got the ego the size of a house. Yeah,
my ego is huge. I wouldn't be a politician. I wouldn't be doing what I do if I didn't have
a huge ego. But
I'm aware of the ego and I'm aware of how fragile it is and how and how frustrating it can
be for others
um
So how do you be authentic? How do you be authentic?
It's not an easy one because you don't want to share every single day if you're struggling most of the
time. But you want to share some of it. And you want to share the good times. And you don't
have to do it on Facebook. But you can phone a friend and go, do you know what? I'm struggling.
You
know, let's not just share the good times. Let's not share the highlight rolls. Because that's not real life.
I don't know anybody that's living the whole life of what their Facebook shows. And that's okay because we
kind of know it.
But we then judge it, don't we? We we look at other people's Facebook threads and go, well, look at
their pictures. They look way younger than me. And I'm like, yeah, it's the filter on that. How do you
know? Well, I use them.
I don't I don't know I might do My phone might do it. I don't know. I know when I
take a picture and I look at it in a portrait mode and go oh my God, do I look
like that? That's not that bad for an early 50 But anyway, I think phones have just got better at
making us look better.
But that's my podcast this week. It's just, I wanted to share my thoughts on authenticity. And I'm interested in
your thoughts on authenticity. You know, email me. Email at StevenWebb.com. That's Steven with a V.
Let me know your thoughts. Let me know your thoughts on this podcast. You can contact me. Head over to
StevenWebb.uk.
On there, you can download my five simple practices for inner peace. You can donate a coffee I
don't say donate a coffee. I say buy me a book because I'm back into reading books. I haven't been
reading books for a while.
And I'm reading the current book.
The Art of Zen and Saving the Planet or Something by Thich Nhat Hanh. Amazing, amazing book.
I'm not 33 three percent into it yet, and anybody knows me, I'm a 33 percent reader I tend to
read all my books to about the one third, and struggling now. Anyway, yeah, going back, head over to StevenWebb.uk.
You can download my Five Simple Practices for Inner Peace. You can listen to my other podcast, The Inner Peace
Meditations. You can listen to other episodes of this podcast, and you could email me that'd be awesome. And if
you're listening on itunes, I'm asking you a lot to do a lot, aren't I? You know, it'd be amazing
if you could help me. Leave a review on itunes. That'd be amazing. And just drop me an email. Email
at StevenWebb.com. Let me know your thoughts. Do you think you've been authentic?
Do you think I've been authentic? Call me out on it. If you don't think I've been authentic, call me
out on it, please. And all I'll tell you is, I'm working on it.
Some days I do better than others. Take care guys. I love you and thank you for listening this far.
This is Stillness in the Storms.
Hopefully helping you see life a little different. Take care. Namaste.
