Why do we avoid the exact thing we most want to do? Because wanting it means we could fail at it, and I have been doing that for years.
I want somebody to stand up at my funeral and say he did a good job, he loved deeply, he had an open heart. That is the legacy. And I procrastinate, avoid going live, avoid all of it. What is shifting now is that the discomfort of not having done it is finally getting worse than the fear of doing it. That is what actually moves people. Not motivation.
One thing to try: Ask yourself what you are doing to avoid the one thing you want to do. The answer usually arrives instantly.
In this episode
(0:03) Why we fear the one thing we want
(1:47) Six or seven months of constant sweating, and a health update
(3:24) Creaking bones, and how the mornings actually go
(4:57) What I want said about me at my own funeral
(6:05) Legacy does not have to be grand. It can be being kind
(7:41) Carrying it a long way, and letting it stop me
(9:18) What are you doing to avoid what you want?
(13:36) The discomfort finally outgrowing the fear
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The story behind this one
This one is partly a therapy session and I say so in the first minute. I have been avoiding the thing I most want to do, and I decided to work it out out loud with you listening.
I know what I want. I want somebody to stand up at my funeral and say he did a good job. He loved deeply. He had an open heart. He could change his mind.
Which means I have to actually do it, and I am not doing it. I procrastinate. I avoid going live. I recorded several episodes before this one and never released them because I decided they were rubbish.
The fear underneath is letting people down, and I know where it came from. My parents split up when I was seven or eight. I remember saying something to my mum about dad leaving, and her saying I was the man of the house now and I would be fine.
She meant it as encouragement. I have carried it for forty years as a job I could not possibly do.
What it taught me
Everybody tells you to find your passion and follow it. I think we are looking the wrong way round.
Two things move a person. You are pulled, by something you want so badly nothing stops you. Or you are pushed, because staying where you are has become unbearable.
Most of us never get the pull. I have not. So the honest route is the other one.
Do not wait until your back is against the wall. Put your back against the wall.
And that is what is happening to me now. Not motivation. The discomfort of not having done it is finally getting worse than the fear of doing it. Time is speeding up, I blink and three weeks are gone, and I have worked out at fifty that I am not immortal, which sounds ridiculous to have to discover.
So look at your own life and ask a different question. Not what motivates you. What are you doing to avoid the thing you want to do?
The answer usually arrives instantly, which is how you know it is the right question.
There is one more thing worth saying, about what a successful human even is. Not the chief executives. Somebody who reaches the end of the day having made nobody's life worse, and improved one or two with nothing more than a smile. Manage that and you are doing better than most.
Questions people ask
Is thinking about your funeral morbid?
No, and I think it is one of the more practical things you can do. Write what you would want somebody to say, and then notice whether your week looks anything like it.
What if I have no idea what my passion is?
Then stop hunting for it. Look at what you keep flinching away from instead. The thing you want and the thing that frightens you are usually the same thing wearing two coats.
Why does this episode sound less certain than the others?
Because it is. I say in it that my heart has the depth and my mouth has not found the words, and I released it anyway. That was rather the point of recording it.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
fear · purpose · vulnerability · personal-story
Read the transcript
Hey, welcome to this week's podcast. I'm Steven Webb. And I want to talk to you about why we fear
the one thing we want. And very often you hear people talk about finding that purpose and passion in life,
the one thing you really enjoy and go after it. And I think we're looking in the wrong direction.
I think we need to look at the one thing that makes us fear most and the one thing that
frightens us and if we go there That will, right there is where it's the one thing that we want.
That's where we'll find our passion. That's where we'll find what's really important to you. That's where I'll find what's
really important to me.
That's what I want to talk about on today's podcast is, you know, diving into that fear and I'm using
it partly as a therapy session for me as well because I've been avoiding my life recently. I've been running
from the one thing that I love doing and it's
starting to really get to me now because I know I'm doing it and that awareness is starting to... Yeah,
really get to me. So I'm doing this podcast as partly a therapy session, I suppose. And I'm
bringing you along with me and I hope that's okay. I hope you don't mind me doing that. So yeah,
why why we fear the one thing we want and how we can... You know, together, perhaps in this next
year, start to go for that one thing that we really want. But by looking at it differently. Because for
certainly most of us, it's not working so far the way we're doing it, is it?
Just before that, I want to update you on a couple of things. Or no first of all, update you
on my health um One thing that I've had the last six or seven months is constant sweating. And
it's part of the neurological problems. We've been paralysed and they think it might be a cyst on my spinal
cord. But because of one thing at the moment, we're still waiting for the Mri scan, which is just driving
me insane. I I just want to get it done um I'm not sleeping at night very well I'm
Yeah I'm struggling I gotta be honest. On the 4th of January, I've got my a scan on my bladder
to see what that is. But that seems to have settled down now. I've changed everything I'm drinking and things
like that to not irritate the bladder at all. And I'm doing as many things I possibly can in order
to sleep better and things like that. But I'm having to take a lot of painkillers just to stop the
sweating. And it's not a warm sweat. It's a freezing cold sweat. And it's really difficult when
it is cold outside. I'm having a layer right up. And the problem is then my layers get wet. So
I'm outside. Oh, I'm sharing way too much information now. So I'm outside of my T-shirt and I was soaking.
I'm freezing cold. And I just I just wanted this air that it's It's getting to me I'm I'm tired
with it now. I just want to get it sorted. But we're working on it um But that's my health
at the moment you know Apart from that, winter's come along the I'm getting older. My bones are creaking. I
wake up in the morning I think oh and The minute I move. Do you recognise that um Also I
want to update you on my marriagehip um I'm really enjoying it. I do think what would my marriagehip have
looked like experiencing the role of being mayor if I was in really perfect health. But then I think there's
never a perfect time. There would never have been a... If I'd done it 20 years ago, I would not
have been ready. If I do it in five years time, maybe my health is worse. You know, the perfect
time is now to do anything you want to do. So that's just bollocks really. Just looking up and going,
maybe I could do it differently if I better help I do think that sometimes so I'm trying to take
my own advice. I did warn you, this is the therapy session for me. But yeah, I've been to a
lot of carol singing I've I don't recognise all the carols. I've been to the cathedral. Oh my God, we
got the most amazing cathedral right in the centre of true We should embrace that so much more. So it's
a very mixed bag. Excited, amazing Christmas. But then there is the concerns, the overhanging
problems of the health and all that so So what's there something that is always holding us back? You
know, what is that one thing that's always holding us back? That's what I want to talk about today. And
I want to talk about it in regards to me as well um What's the one thing holding me back?
Well, I know what I want empire I I want to leave a brilliant legacy. I want to leave.
I want someone to stand up at my funeral and say he did a good job. You know, he loved
deeply. He had an open heart. He was able to change his mind. He was open with people. He he
he was kind um And he did his best and he lived his life to the full. Well, in order
to do that, I've got to do that. You know um it's no good just hoping someone's going to look
up and see what my dreams and aspirations for my life is if I don't actually. Live those
dreams and those aspirations um And it's the same for you. No one's going to stand up and say how
you lived your life and who you are unless you show people who you are
um you know If you want to be the most amazing, I don't know, skydiver, no one's going to stand
up and say he was an amazing skydiver if you don't go and do it
and And I think that's the one thing we all want. We do want some kind of legacy. Even if
the legacy is something humble but really, really damn important like he was just caring or you were just caring.
You know, she was just this wonderful neighbour doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things how big because we
need everybody.
But then you gotta look at what's stopping you doing that. And for me... I have this fear
of letting people down, and I I know where it come from. It come from me when I was a
lot younger, seven, eight years old, and my parents spit up. I don't think it was my fault they spit
up. I I can't be out responsible for that one. But I think I can remember having a conversation
with my mum. And of course, I know where she was coming from when she said this. But it was
the way it landed on me at the time and the way I've carried it. Not what mum meant, but
it's the way I've carried it. And when I looked up and said to mum about dad leaving, and she
said, yeah, you're the only man in the house now. You'll be okay. You'll be able to step up and
all that. And I think she meant it as like a prep talk for me that things will be okay.
But I took that as, I can't do all the dad things. I can't go out and earn a living.
I probably didn't think that at seven. I probably thought about you know laying up a table, clearing the table
and all maybe. But I thought I couldn't do all these things. And I can remember feeling that I would
let everybody down, let my family down. And I've carried that a long way. And I allow that to influence
me today and I And I know I do. Because I procrastinate and I avoid going live and I avoid
doing all these things. And anybody that's followed me for a long time knows this about me. They know it.
Well, maybe they don't, but I feel as if the whole world knows it. Seven billion people. I you know
I feel like I've said it enough that seven billion people should know it um Of course not everybody knows
it. Just because I know it doesn't mean I say anybody knows it.
But I I run from this. One thing that I want. I want to be an inspiration I want to
I want to leave a legacy in the world that influences and helps people live a more compassionate,
loving, open-hearted life. A more peaceful life.
Yeah, it's the one thing I I run from doing is teaching that, showing that. And
I'm not quite sure how to do it.
But I need to show up. And I don't show up a lot. I don't show up nowhere near as
much as I could. Because I feel as if I haven't got that deep wisdom. I feel as if I
haven't got that one thing that I need to show up and say.
And while I'm saying this, think about your life and think about what you want, the legacy you want to
live. And what are you not doing? Where are you not showing up? What are you
procrastinating about? What are you doing to avoid the one thing that you want to do? You know, think about
that. And it's not morbid to think about your legacy, to think about your obituary and all that. And it's
not morbid at all. I think it's very sensible. I think it makes perfect sense. It's one of Stephen Covey's
in The Seven Habits for Highly Successful People when he says, look at your obituary. What are they going to
say about you? And when he talks about highly successful people, he's not always talking about big
Ceos and people that... He's talking about being a successful human. You know, what does it mean to be a
successful human? That's a good podcast yeah Should I do that podcast? What do I believe it means to be
an essential human? Well, I'll quickly I'll quickly like look at it now, but to be open and caring,
to not create any more pain in the world, to be who you are, to honor the best you
can be um to grow courage, to move in the right direction um Not
to hurt others that That's the kind of thing that, you know, if you can get to the end of
the day and you don't hurt anybody today and you don't make anybody's life worse and even if you just
improve someone's life by a smile and things like that, when you get to the end of the day or
the end of the week and you've done that, you've been a damn good human. You're doing better than a
lot of people out there if you just get to the end of the day and you don't make anybody's
life worse. So, yeah. Anyway, going back to Going
back to why we fear the one thing we want. And you hear these memes now all the time and
lots of people talk about them. And you hear like, you've got to get out of your comfort zone and
things like that. I don't think it's that simple. Because I think you've got to become uncomfortable. You've
got two choices. Two things move us into action. It's either we're pushed because we've got that uncomfortable
that we cannot stay there. Or we're pulled. And we're pulled with passion. We're
pulled with that drive that nothing will stop me doing this. Well, unfortunately, most people, including myself, don't
don't end up with that drive of passion, that pulling. It's really difficult to find where that's to,
to overcome the friction of the fear of doing it. You know, that fear of me down is is really
real um And I know by talking about it, it makes it more real now. But, you know, it is
something that holds me back um Maybe there is something else that I haven't seen it yet So there's always
shadows that we haven't seen. But that's the one I I think is the one holding me back. And
to overcome that, I haven't got the big pull. So I'm starting to become really
uncomfortable. And the uncomfortableness is becoming so uncomfortable that I'm getting older
I'm You know, time speeds up. I blink and a week's gone by. I blink
again and three three weeks have gone by. You know, 2020 went by and like, what happened in 2020? Nothing.
You know, or not nothing. There's loads of good things happen But a few other things happen as well, I
think, I believe. You know, 2020 just went by in a blink of an eye. Yeah, but we
just... The older you get, you just see the end of your life coming up very quickly. And I
think I'm getting uncomfortable with that um I'm realising I'm not immortal, which is ridiculous to realise
that. What, you suddenly get to like, I don't know, 45, 40, and you realise you're immortal it
Seems ridiculous, but that's the reality.
This is the reality, isn't it? Right um But yeah, we suddenly think, oh, we've only got another four five
ten twenty years whatever it is. And that uncomfortableness of I haven't achieved. And with that uncomfortableness
is really starting to beat down on me now. And it's starting to drive me towards more what I want
and I want you to look at your life and go, you know, instead of trying to find that
one thing that motivates you, that one thing that's pulling you, because if you haven't found that yet, you're not
going to find it very easily. I know you're pulled by lots of little things you want to do, but
if the pull isn't that great to really move you towards it every single day,
then you have to look at what the fear is holding you back. And maybe that fear can become that
uncomfortable that it can push you. And I think that's the reality. I think if we all look at our
lives in that way, go to the place that's so damn uncomfortable that you cannot stay there. And then you
have no damn choice but to do what you want to do in life, that you achieve what you want
to achieve you know How many times have you felt like you know don't worry about me, when my back's
against the wall, I come out and I'm good and I can sort it then but don't wait till your
back's against the wall. Put your back against the wall. You know, get into that uncomfortable place where you've got
to go and do it. And I'm talking about
me avoiding things. That's why I haven't done a podcast for a while. I've recorded several but not released them
because I thought they're crap. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to record a podcast this week
and I'm going to put it out next Friday after this one. And even if it's crap, you're still going
to get it anyway um because that's what I need to do.
And even if I judge it, which is also very subjective and it is you know. I've done it in
the past. I've put it out and goes, oh, this isn't so good. And people have gone, yeah, that's wonderful.
Sometimes they're the best ones. Sometimes they're the best ones. So I'm wondering how to finish this podcast.
And
I struggle with this podcast massively um I know just saying that makes it even more real, but I struggle
because I feel like I have something really, something deep and profound to say, but I don't know how to
say it. I don't know how to give you that depth from my heart. You know, my heart has this
huge depth, but it doesn't have words. And
yeah, I want you, I don't know. Okay. So
I'm going to give a natural end to this podcast and ask you to, you know, email me. Go over
to my website, StevenWebb.uk and email me and tell me what you fear and
where are you gonna where do you need to go in order to get to where you want to go?
You know, force yourself into that position where you've got to get out of the comfort zone um
It'd be amazing where it leads us. Where can it lead us to next year? That'd be good. So
I'm trying to think of a natural end to this podcast, as I say. So I'm gonna do a podcast
next week. Even if I think it's subpar, I'm still gonna release it next week. And I'm gonna concentrate on
the one thing I'm doing a podcast every week. And if you can give this a review, that'd be absolutely
amazing. Don't do anything else. Just give this a review. And then when you're gonna review perhaps email me.
Take care, guys. I'm Steven Webb. And this is the podcast that helps you to think a little bit differently.
