Managing Expectations vs Your Inner Peace

Q: Should I have no expectations at all?

No. Some are healthy. If I buy a computer I expect it to work. If I am in a relationship I expect loyalty and communication. Those are boundaries, and boundaries are fine. The trouble is the ones you never said out loud.

Q: Why does an unmet expectation hurt so much?

Because you had already lived the good version in your head. You are not losing the thing, you are losing the story. That is why it stings out of all proportion to what happened.

Q: What about the expectations I have of myself?

Same rule. I expect my body to behave a certain way and get annoyed when it does not. Last week I felt a cold coming and it never arrived, and my first thought was not relief, it was surprise. Notice when your body beats the forecast, not just when it misses it.

Q: Is this letting people off?

No. It is refusing to be angry at somebody for failing a test they were never shown. Tell them the test. Then, if they fail it, be as angry as you like.

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The transcript

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letting-go · acceptance · relationships

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Alexandra Pope said, one of the greatest English poets of the 18th century said, Blessed is he

who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

I love that. That's one of my favourite sayings. I'm Steven Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms podcast.

On today's show, I'm going to share how to stop expectations ruining your inner peace. We

all have these expectations of what our life is going to be like, how people should show up. All these

stories in our heads of all different types of how life should be. I guess that's the overarching thing of

expectations. So on this podcast we're going to see why do expectations block your happiness? Should we

drop expectations entirely? What are healthy expectations? So I want to go back to that first quote.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Alexander Pope. And I guess that's

what it comes down to and we hear it on the spiritual journey a lot. And that is, don't expect

anything. Should we really not expect anything from a partner or a family member? Is that really the way the

world's going to work nowadays? Well, we'll explore about that a little later. But I want to share one other

quote as well. Because it goes two ways. And Bruce Lee says, I'm not in this world to live up

to your expectations. And you're not in this world to live up to mine. I love that quote also because

that does the other side of it as well. So let's look at what expectations are. Where do we have

them in life? Well, as we're going through school and we think about our careers and think about what we're

going to do in life, we have have expectations of us. And where our lives go, and we have expectations

of life and career. I can remember at school, and whenever I bumped into any family

members or people I hadn't seen for a while, it was like, what do you want to be when you're

older? What are you going to do? How are your exams going? And it was all this pressure of, I

almost felt like everybody expected something of me, which in return made me expect something of myself.

Well, if I don't fulfill these things, I'm going to be a failure. And then, of course, when everybody thinks

we're going to be a failure, that's what they expect to happen. So we kind of create that. You know,

when I was up until I was 18 and I ended up breaking my neck and ended up paralysed, I

expected my life to go a certain way. And then ever since then, whenever anybody hears about me breaking

my neck when I was that age, they tend to... Look at the alternative of what might have happened. It's

almost like they expected a different life that would have been better or would have been like, they say,

well, you would have been really successful. You'd have had a family. You'd have been done this that and the

other. And I'm like, well, how do you know? I could have been a real bum and I could have

ended up in a serious car accident a week later and not even survived. The following weeks, the thing is

we don't know about all the alternatives. But we have this image in our head and the story in the

head of how things should be. I've got a daughter and for many years I had a running

narration in my head of how a daughter should be and what she should do and how she should show

up and I And she had the same story in her head of how a dad should show up. And

then when we don't, we disappoint them. But the reality is I don't know how she wanted me to show

up. I never asked her. I never said to her like, hello, Ken. You know, I'm your stepdad. How would

you like me to be a stepdad? What would you like from me? And vice versa. She never looked up

and said to me, hey. I'm your daughter. How do you want me to show up? How would you like

a daughter to be? Of course, it's not a matter of how I want her to be and vice versa.

But unless we tell our partners and relationships and family members partly how we expect our

interaction to be, they never know. It's not about expecting them to be something different. It's about the respect of

the relationship between. Because you're in a relationship, whether it's a friend, Whether it's just for half a second in

the line when you're in a checkout queue. Every interaction with another person is a relationship. How do you expect

that relationship to go, even if it's only for two seconds? So there's nothing wrong with some expectations. You know.

It's not a matter of just going, hey, I don't expect nothing of anybody and my life will be happy.

It won't be happy in that way. And then we have the expectation of how life should be. You know,

the expectations of how I am and how I should feel inside. In any given situation, I expect my body

to react in a certain way. And when it doesn't, it annoys me, it frustrates me and ultimately gets me

down. Or sometimes my body surprises me and reacts in a better way and I'm like, wow,

you dealt with it like a like a warrior You know, just last week I was starting to get a

cold my nose was tingling. You know that feeling when your nose, you just know there's something lingering around. The

back of your throat is very slightly tingling sore. So you know you've got something, but you're waiting for it

to either disappear or go boom and just like come out into a full-blown face cold. Well I'm my

body fought it off. I'm okay this week. So it's like, yes, like nice one. I was expecting the cold.

I got something different. Nice one. So sometimes we go down this route of negativity and it's very

often negative. We expect people and we expect our body to react negatively. So sometimes when it doesn't, we should

be really, really happy. And then we go out into traffic. We got a doctor's appointment at 4 p.m It's

a 10 minute drive. So we start looking for the keys at 11 minutes to four Get in the car

and drive away. We expect the traffic to be clear and open up and all the roads just are magically

empty just where we drive through. Then we have mixed feelings between it. Oh, I expected this. Oh, did you

really? Why didn't you leave a little earlier? That's my inner dialogue. So you see, it's all about wanting

life to be different from what it is. And

that's what I mean by dropping expectations. Like Alexander Pope turn around says Blessed is he who expects nothing,

for he shall never be disappointed. You know, when you set out on a journey, don't expect a traffic jam

or don't expect a clear roads. Just accept what is going to be. Maybe leave a

little earlier just in case. And

then if you get there early, brilliant. If there is a traffic jam, brilliant. A little bit of time out.

Another thing with expectation is we have this idea of when we go on to a

diet or being when we start getting fitter. The first few days is like going really, really well and we

feel the weight loss and we feel the body hurting and aching and growing. And then that expectation continues.

But it doesn't. The actual, the losing weight and the body getting fitter tends to plateau after a few weeks.

So we get fed up because our expectations are then ruined. You know, I was expecting it to go better

and then we go back into the old routines. Jeff guinea says you can't expect everyone to have the same

dedication as you. And that's another thing. If you're passionate about something, we almost expect other people to be passionate

about it too. We want them to see the same in it as what you see in it. Well, luckily

not everybody does. Because everybody would have the same hobby.

Everybody would be doing the same things. That means my weird hobbies would be five times more expensive and they

would not be weird anymore. Set the standard. Stop expecting others to show you love, acceptance, commitment and respect

when you don't even show that to yourself. Steve Maraboli. And he's absolutely right.

We're always wanting someone to give us something. In love, please love me. You know, treat me respect

Please give me what I want. Please fulfill my life and make me happy. And I know on the basis

of that, you might think, no, I don't think that. But we do really, right? We're so annoyed when

someone lets us down. I remember a couple friends of mine. They were together they've been together about 12

months. And it wasn't the most probably progressive relationship. But I remember

walking with the guy one day. We were walking the dog. And he was telling me about the way. He

spent a whole day at home one day fixing the carpet. I don't know what was wrong on the carpet,

I don't know how big a job it was, but he spent quite a while on his knees fixing the

carpet and he was waiting for his partner to come home. And be really pleased. After all, it

was a hard job and he'd been doing he'd been on his knees all day and he wasn't getting any

younger and it was looking really good and it was something she really wanted sorted and he got it sorted

for her. And she walked in, he said, and she did not even notice. She just stepped right over it,

huffed and puffed and we barely spoke all evening and we went to bed. I

just can't believe it. I I worked all day for that. I was on my knees. I was hurting. I

could barely stand up. And that's the thanks I got. A few days later, I was with his partner and

we were going for a walk and she said to me, Do you know what Stevie? The other day I

went out for work. I left over 5 30 in the morning and I was at work all day. I

did not go home until seven I was so tired and I was so knackered

and literally nothing was done. The cups that the few cups and plates were all on the

side I don't think he even went in the kitchen, apart from to make his sandwich. And that was all

left down the side, including the bread. He did do the carpet. I'll give him that. But really, it was

a 20 minute job It really wasn't much. And yes, I appreciate that. But really, he was home

all day and he did not do anything. He did not even take the washing off the line outside

that was now wet and I had to do it. I got home at seven o'clock and he hadn't even

done his tea so we had to... I had to cook for him. And I tell that story because it's

perfectly from the both sides where both of them were blinkered in seeing exactly what they wanted to see.

During the day, they built up this image in their heads of what they expected their partner to do. And

I asked her, did you ask him before you went to clean up on to do the dishes? And I

might not be home until seven. Is it possible you could put something in the oven for tea? And she

goes, no, I shouldn't have to. And I said to him, did you say to her, oh, I've done the

carpet today um Is there anything else you'd like me to do? Or, you know, let her know what you

have done. He said, no, I shouldn't have to. She should take notice. And here's the problem. Unless we communicate,

unless one tells the other what they're expecting of them, Don't be mad when they don't live

up to your expectations because how can they know? How can they know when they are living up to them

or not? But

yet we feel as if we shouldn't. We shouldn't have to say. We

feel as if they should know automatically. But

just because you can see it doesn't mean someone else can see it and And trust me, I have carers

and every one of my carers do things very differently. One immediately sees when cups are left out. One will

immediately see when the carpets are not done. The other will immediately see when my clothes are dirty or

I need everything's done. Every single carer brings something different to the table, but the other ones cannot see what

the other ones do. So every single carer tends to think that they're the ones that do most and they

expect the other carers to fit in line and do what they do. Well, I'm quite glad I've got different

carers that do different things because

not one person does everything somebody else would like. They all bring something different to the table and

for that I appreciate them. Never thought I'd need to tell them but I do tell them now. I do

point out when it's pointed out to me that they haven't done this or they haven't done that and I'm

like, yes, but this is what they have done. And then it's very often, okay. Still doesn't stop the frustration.

So why do expectations block our inner peace? Well, it's because it's because there are

expectations. Other people don't care about our expectations that much. Yeah, that's it. They care about our happiness or

most people, if anybody's in your life, they normally care about your happiness. And whether you're feeling good or in

a good mood or you're sorted. They may not care exactly what you're expecting them to care about. And we

get so annoyed when things are not the way we expect them to be. We set out in the car

and we expect to have a nice, friendly, comfortable drive. And somebody cuts us up. Somebody flips

the middle finger in the window and is really rude to us. And we're mad because we were not expecting

that. We don't think we deserve that. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be annoyed. But what are

you going to do with it? Are you going to carry that around? Or are you going to leave that

little expectation on the side of the road where it should be left? So should we drop the expectations No.

Like I said. You know, sometimes in life we need a little expectation. You know, if I pick up the

phone, I expect the person on the other end of the phone to be at least polite. You may say,

well, these are basic manners and basic morals and ethics. They might be. But not everybody has them.

If everybody knew about them, then nobody would be worried at all. So yes, when I tell

somebody in my life that This is how I would like you to show up again and again and again.

And explain the reason why when they don't, then you've got a right to be angry. But

unless you tell them, unless you share your expectations um and you could call these um boundaries You know, I'm

calling them expectations, but it's boundaries or limits or this is how far I'm willing to go. My love doesn't

have conditions, but a relationship with me does. In a relationship, I expect communication. The

same as I would communicate with you. I would expect loyalty. I would expect you not to

flirt with people beyond the boundary that we set in the relationship. But these are all things that have to

be discussed beforehand. I'm not saying you've got to sit down and write a rule book, but there's some basic

things that we should expect from a partner. And these are what's called healthy expectations. It's the same as if

you buy an item from a shop. You know, if I went and bought a computer, I would expect it

to work. If I paid an extra amount of money for a bit of software on the computer, I would

expect that software to be on there and work. If I paid for someone to clear my chimney or if

I paid for someone to fit a carpet, I would expect them to do the job to a relatively high

standard. So that's okay. It's okay to expect. It's not okay to run around

jumping up and down and getting easy if people aren't living up to your expectations when you haven't even communicated

it. Does this make sense? I hope this makes sense. So it's the spiritual journey and

the stillness in the storms of life is all about not creating more pain or suffering.

Not just for others, but for yourself. And one of the ways we can reduce this suffering is to reduce

our expectations of others and recognise that they're not you. They're not the same person as you. They don't have

the same outlook, the same experience, the same what you might say in quotes common sense as you. And that's

okay. I wouldn't like a world full of seven billion Stevens. That would drive me insane.

Variety makes the world go apparently That's probably a quote by someone and I don't know who by so

But yeah, drop some of our expectations. You know have a have expectations of common courtesy and

politeness. A mutual respect over time. You know, faithfulness in the relationship. Things like that. But communicate.

And you could even say, I know it's a given when you get into a relationship or most relationships, but

say that early on. Say, look, if we're going to get into a relationship... I'm a person that stays faithful.

And I would like you to as well. And if you don't stay faithful, there will not be a second

chance and it will be over. How does that sit with you? And if they're like, oh, I don't know

about that. I think I deserve three chances. You can go, okay, our expectations for a relationship are not in

line. But they cannot blame you later for looking up and going, well, I think I was out of order.

I don't think, you know, I only had an affair once. Your expectations are a bit high. You say, well,

I told you. It's what it is. Just softening your expectations and recognising they are not you

will make a lot of difference in your life. Try it just for the next few days right drawing this

podcast to a close. Thank you for spending your time with me. Really appreciate it. And if you soften your

expectations a little bit, you'll realise your life softens. Your heart opens and you become more vastness instead of

the tight inner self that you are. Because that's where all the pain is there's all in that tense inner

self. All the happiness lies in the vastness of the sky. I'm

Steven Webb and Inner Peace Guide, and I help you to go from ah to

Relaxing a little in life. Now if you head over to connectwithsteven.com, you can download my three meditations and you

can and you've got a link to my Patreon site where you can support this podcast and you can help

me grow and you can help me to promote it, help me to reach more people that need a little

inner peace in life. Thank you for spending your time here. Take care. Love deeply. Namaste.

Managing Expectations vs Your Inner Peace

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Managing Expectations vs Your Inner Peace

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.