Episode notes
What is the first thing to do when stress has hold of you? Be quiet. Not deep breathing, not affirmations. Stop talking, and let the body come down a gear.
The damage is not the stress itself, it is the mechanism staying switched on for hours at a stretch. I am a city councillor, which qualifies me on stress. Picture the body going from a run to a walk to sitting to lying down. All you are doing is slowing it. So first, be quiet. Everything else works better after that.
One thing to try: Next time it grips, say nothing for ten seconds. That is step one and it is most of it.
In this episode
- (0:04) Reducing suffering through the difficult times
- (2:36) Being on the city council, which qualifies me for stress
- (4:57) The mechanism staying alive for hours on end
- (7:38) Taking control of it rather than it controlling you
- (9:50) Number one. Be quiet. Somebody is in your face, so stop
- (12:06) Run, to walk, to sitting, to lying down
- (14:24) Why the obvious answer is not the answer
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The question this answers
What do you actually do first when stress has hold of you?
Be quiet. Not deep breathing, not affirmations, not a technique. Stop talking, and let everything come down a gear from there.
The heart of it
- Stress is not the enemy. It is the thing that yanks you back from the kerb.
- The damage is not the stress. It is the mechanism staying switched on for hours at a time.
- You are not getting rid of it. You are turning the volume down.
We built this system for the moment something looks at you and decides you are lunch. It is superb at that. What it was never built for is running all afternoon because the traffic is slow and your tea was wrong.
I asked my stepdad about this once. He drives lorries and he gets furious behind a slow bus. I said, what if you were not stressed about it? He said they should drive quicker and it is making him late. And I said, you are still behind the bus.
Most of us half believe that being stressed counts as doing something. It does not. It accomplishes nothing beyond the thirty seconds it was designed for.
So, three steps, in order.
Be quiet. Shut up. Drop your shoulders, take your head back out of attack position.
A man came into my house years ago shouting at me to move a van, with six builders standing around watching. I asked him to explain why, said I would happily move it, and then I just went quiet. He carried on and eventually walked out. One of the builders asked how I did that. I did not have an answer. I just had nothing to say.
Be still. That is different. Quiet is your mouth. Still is slowing the flywheel down. Picture the body going from a run, to a walk, to sitting, to lying down.
Be open. You are stressed, and that is all right. You are usually stressed because you care about something, and the moment it feels listened to, it settles.
And a bonus, which is really an extension of the third. Be curious. Hello stress. Why are you here? Where are you in my body? Is this the same one as last week?
One small thing to try
Next time it rises, run the three in order and do not skip to the end.
Quiet. Still. Open.
At first you will take it from a hundred and ten down to a hundred, and then have to work on the next ten. With practice the same three take it to thirty in one go, and thirty is a number you can do something with.
Questions people ask
Should I be trying to get rid of stress entirely?
No, and I said reduce rather than banish on purpose. Removing it altogether would mean not caring about anything, and you do not want that either.
Why is being quiet the first step?
Because everything you say in the first ten seconds makes it worse, and because the body cannot come down while the mouth is still going. Everything else works better once you have stopped.
Is my stress justified?
Not my call and not the point. Even when it is entirely justified, turning the volume down is what lets you deal with the thing rather than just broadcast about it.
Read the transcript
The transcript follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
0:04Welcome to Stillness in the Storms.
0:06I'm Stephen Webb, your host.
0:08This is the podcast that helps you to reduce your suffering through
0:11difficult times.
0:13And on this week's podcast, we're talking about my three steps
0:16to reduce stress virtually instantly.
0:20And I will share them with you near the end of the podcast.
0:29Before that, if you can leave a review or if you click follow on
0:33this podcast or share it out, that'd be brilliant.
0:37I'm trying to build up some listeners and I'm trying to get to
0:41my 5k downloads.
0:43That would be awesome if you could help me do that.
0:46So.
0:47Right.
0:47How do we reduce stress?
0:49Well, first of all, let's understand stress a little bit.
0:52Let's understand.
0:53And you know, people often look at me and they go, well, you
0:56don't get stressed, Stephen.
0:58I really do.
0:59I suffer from stress quite a bit.
1:02It's, you know, it's not something that is unfamiliar to me
1:08and I come from a family of stressors and most of my family are
1:12still stressors now.
1:14And also being paralyzed just below my neck or just above my nipples.
1:20And I never know how to explain that.
1:22It's not quite just below my neck because I got my arms a little
1:25bit, but my hands are paralyzed and I, I can feel my nipples
1:32slightly.
1:33Why am I sharing this with you on a podcast?
1:37It's in there now, you know, you now know I can feel my nipples
1:41a little bit.
1:42Well, there you go.
1:43You weren't expecting that, were you?
1:47But anyway, right, let's bring it back, let's bring it back.
1:50Let's, let's bring the tone back under to some kind of control
1:54here.
1:55Where was I?
1:56Yeah, I have 24 hour carers and you know, most of the time they
2:00cannot even make toast for me properly or at least the way I want
2:03it.
2:04You know, I get a piece of toast and I'm like, what's that?
2:07And they'll go taste.
2:08I'm like, no, that's like warm bread with some butter on it.
2:12And then they'll bring down a piece of toast and it's dried up
2:15and it was buttered like two days after it come out of the toaster.
2:19So yeah, I, I know what stress is.
2:21Like, I, I, I get it.
2:24You know, they gotta shower me, they gotta do like the most intimate
2:27things and all that.
2:28In my personal care, I know what stresses, you know, I have my
2:34fair share of it, but I've learned to deal with it.
2:37I've learned to.
2:38And plus, I'm on the city council, I'm a politician.
2:42You Know if that doesn't qualify for someone that has some
2:45kind of stress.
2:47But anyway, right, let's go back to.
2:49First of all, there's a few things I want you to know about stress,
2:53and that is, you know, stress is not your enemy.
2:57We often think we have to get rid of it.
2:59We have to get rid of any kind of stress, get rid of any kind of
3:03anxiety or any of those things that give us an adverse effect.
3:07And we don't.
3:09You know, it evolved to protect us.
3:11It saves our life.
3:13You know, this stress mechanism, this anxiety mechanism
3:16that comes up, it's that same friend that pulls us back when we're
3:21just about to step in front of a car.
3:24It's giving us information.
3:25It's telling us that, hey, look, I think something's wrong.
3:28You need to take notice.
3:33So stress is not the enemy.
3:35It's not about getting rid of stress.
3:38That's the first.
3:38And if you only take that away from this podcast.
3:44Stress is not the enemy.
3:45You don't have to get rid of it completely.
3:48We just have to soften it.
3:50We have to quiet it down a little bit, and we have to listen
3:53and understand it.
3:55Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense.
3:58Not easy to do.
3:59Don't get me wrong.
3:59When other people are like.
4:03We feel other people are causing our stress, it's really not
4:07that easy to do.
4:08I know.
4:09Okay, if stress is a friend, how come it kills so many people?
4:14How come it's so dangerous for us?
4:16Well, it's not the stress is the problem.
4:18It's that prolonged stress is the problem.
4:22It's that.
4:24It's the fact that we get stressed, like as if we're in the
4:27middle of.
4:28And we use this example all the time.
4:30A saber tooth tiger.
4:32500,000 years ago, you're in a forest and suddenly you look up and
4:37this saber tooth tiger's looking at you and you know that
4:42it thinks you're lunch.
4:43Well, that stress mechanism is going to save your life.
4:46It's going to do all the things your body needs to hopefully
4:50survive the next five, 10 minutes, when you need to get the
4:53hell out of there or you need to freeze and fight, things like
4:57that.
4:57But the problem is, it's when we're.
5:01When we're feeding that stressed mechanism, when it's alive
5:05and alert in our bodies for hours and hours and hours on end,
5:10it builds up the chemicals in our body that our body was not designed
5:14to have it for hours on end.
5:17And that lies the problem.
5:18That there is the problem.
5:20So.
5:21So stress is a is a friend, it will save your life.
5:25B, we just need to make sure that it's not there all the time.
5:29It's really over sensitive now, it's missing.
5:32You're misinterpreted in the messages.
5:35You know, we, we get stressed if our tea isn't right or if we're
5:39two minutes late or we're stuck in traffic when most of these
5:43things there's nothing we can do.
5:45You know, I had a discussion with my stepdad at some point and
5:50I said to him, and this is when I first started studying all
5:52these like to reduce my stress and all that.
5:55And I said to him, he's a lorry driver.
5:58And I said to him, well you get really stressed if you're following
6:01a really slow bus or something or a slow car.
6:04And he goes yeah, bloody right.
6:06And I said yeah, but what if you just lowered that stress and
6:10thought well I'm still behind the car or bus or something anyway.
6:15And he goes yeah, but it's making you bloody late in it and
6:17they should drive quicker.
6:18And I'm like, well you can think all those things but you're
6:22still behind it.
6:24Nothing's going to change.
6:26So you can either be stressed about it or just ah.
6:30Or you can use my three steps to reduce stress instantly.
6:36So most people almost feel like they need to be stressed in
6:40order to be doing something that, that need to.
6:43Well, if I'm sitting here stressed, that means I'm accomplishing
6:47something where you're not really, you're just feeling stressed.
6:51That's the reality of it.
6:54You know, stress doesn't actually accomplish anything beyond
6:58the initial saving your life.
6:59If you're confronted with a saber tooth tiger, and I'm guessing
7:04you're not very often confronted with a saber tooth tiger,
7:08not in this day and age.
7:12So how do we get rid of stress?
7:14Well, you can't.
7:18It's part of the body's mechanism, it's part of who you are.
7:21Getting rid of stress is like trying to get rid of your heartbeat
7:26or your thinking, your brain, your mind's designed to think, your
7:30heart's designed to beat.
7:32You're not going to get rid of the emotions know that have evolved
7:37to help you in life.
7:39But what we can do is we can take control over it and that's what
7:42we want to do.
7:43Instead of the stress overwhelming us and controlling us,
7:47we want to reduce it.
7:48So we're in control of the stress and we do that by softening
7:54it, evening out, listening to it.
7:57You know, stress is a autonomic Response system just the
8:01same as your breathing.
8:02Like I said, just the same as your heartbeat.
8:05It's gonna happen anyway.
8:07You know, you try stopping your breathing for too long, it's
8:10gonna breathe.
8:10You try completely getting rid of your stress mechanism, it's going
8:14to manifest somewhere at some point.
8:18There's nothing you can do about that.
8:23So to recap then, at the beginning, I said I was gonna go
8:27give you three, my three steps, and I will in just a moment.
8:31But you know, stress is not the enemy.
8:33You use it as your friend, start embracing it, and then you'll
8:37take control of it a little more.
8:39You cannot get rid of it.
8:41No matter how much you try.
8:42It's going to creep up on you at some point.
8:45You're going to be in a situation where your bodily intuition,
8:52which is beyond us and our subconscious mind is beyond us, is
8:57going to protect you.
8:59It's going to creep up and it's going to save you.
9:02So you don't want to get rid of it entirely.
9:05It's all about how long you spend stressed, how many hours of
9:11the day if you're walking around.
9:12I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed.
9:14Hour after hour.
9:16The testosterone and the hormones and all that in your body,
9:20you know, the extra glucose and the extra.
9:24All the chemicals and things like that.
9:25I forgot the names of them.
9:27Now, the extra things that it produces are not good for you in
9:33the long run.
9:33That's all we need to know.
9:35Right.
9:36So it comes down to information, really.
9:39And what information can you deem from feeling stressed?
9:43So my three steps to reduce stress instantly.
9:46Thank you for listening this long.
9:49And they're really quite simple.
9:51And number one, Shut up.
9:54Be quiet.
9:56Now you're in a stressful situation.
9:57You're.
9:59Somebody's in your face or something like that, you know, just
10:02stop.
10:03Be quiet.
10:05Lower your shoulders, bring your head back a little bit.
10:09You don't have to be in the position that you're attacking mode.
10:14So just be quiet.
10:17I remember a guy just up the end of the road.
10:20He's passed away now, but a few.
10:23About 15 years ago.
10:25No, nearly 20 years ago.
10:27Wow.
10:28He was in my house screaming and shouting at me to move the van.
10:32You need to get that van moved.
10:34And I was.
10:35I had about five or six guys around me because they were doing
10:38building work in the house at the time.
10:41And they were all looking at me and I said, look, just explain
10:44to me why you need me to move the van and I'll move it quite happily.
10:50And you know, I'm good with moving the van, but you just.
10:53Can you explain to me why I need to move it?
10:55You just need to.
10:57And he was going on and on and on.
10:59And in the end I just went quiet.
11:01I just stayed there, you know, non confrontational.
11:05And I just stay there.
11:07Give me a.
11:08Give me a good reason, otherwise we'll come and move it
11:11when the work guys go home later in a couple of hours.
11:16And in the end he walked down the house and the office said, how
11:20did you deal with that?
11:21I just said, I don't know.
11:23But I just, I didn't have the words.
11:26I was just quiet.
11:28So number one, be quiet, shut up, stop talking.
11:33Number two, be still.
11:36And there is a difference between being quiet and be still.
11:39You know, choir is, you know, I'm not talking, but the mind is
11:44racing.
11:44The mind might be getting angry and the stress is building
11:48up inside and all that.
11:50Everything that's happening inside.
11:52Being still is, you know, being quiet is shutting your mouth.
11:57Being still is just slowing the flywheel of the mind down, moving
12:02from your head to your heart, moving to your body and just slowing
12:06down.
12:06So you can always imagine your body going from a run to a walk to
12:11a sitting to eventually lying down.
12:14It's just, just slowing down.
12:17So first one, be quiet.
12:18Second one, be still.
12:20The third one, and this is really important one, is be open.
12:25Be open to, you know, what's going on, what's happening right
12:30now.
12:31Be accepting of this current moment, I'm stressed.
12:36And be okay with that.
12:37Be okay.
12:38We've been stressed because normally we're stressed because we
12:40care.
12:41We normally stress because there's a reason behind it.
12:44And they're probably.
12:46When we are open about it and when we're accepting about it, the
12:50stress normally reduces because it's been listened to.
12:53And that makes sense.
12:54Then it's just like, okay, I can calm down because I've been listened
13:01to.
13:02And very often we want to sound off at somebody else.
13:07And this three steps will stop that.
13:09So be quiet, be still and be open.
13:12And I got a bonus for you.
13:14And it's kind of an extension of the be open.
13:17Let's be curious, you know, be friendly curious with what your stress
13:22is.
13:23Hi stress, how are you feeling?
13:24Why are you here?
13:27Where are you two in my body?
13:29What's the reason you're here?
13:32Is it a strange same stress last week?
13:35Is it the same ones the week before?
13:37Is this something I need to listen to?
13:39Just be curious within and you'll find out just the same as
13:44anger, just the Same as grief and all the other feelings that we
13:48deem as not very nice.
13:50Inside, you'll find that you just care.
13:54And that's the important part.
13:56So when we shut up, when we go a little still, and when we open
14:02up and then we're curious and you do those four things, and instantly
14:09any stressful moment would just reduce.
14:11Boom, just like that.
14:13And it's not the fact that you're getting rid of it.
14:15And it's really important I say my three steps to reduce stress,
14:19not my three steps to get rid of stress, to banish it from your
14:24life.
14:24We want to get.
14:24And you don't want to do that.
14:27That's not the answer.
14:28That.
14:28That.
14:28That won't serve you in any way.
14:31In actual fact, you'll.
14:33You'll probably become.
14:34So.
14:35I think it's nihilism or something.
14:37I think that's a word where you just don't care about anything.
14:41Not bothered.
14:42You know, if you get angry and you get stressed, you care about
14:45something deeply.
14:46It's normally someone's.
14:48We're feeling like someone's pushing our buttons the wrong way
14:52or something like that.
14:53But, you know, and that might be the case.
14:55You know, I'm not here to.
14:57I'm not here to discuss or say whether or not your stress is justified,
15:03but I can say just turn the volume down on it.
15:07And just being quiet, being still, being open.
15:12And then as a bonus, be curious and do it as a process.
15:17Don't do it all in one go.
15:19The better you get at it, the quicker you can go through the process.
15:23And instead of, like at a volume 110, when you're not so good
15:30at it, we turn it down 10%.
15:3210%, and then we've got to work on the next 10%.
15:35Whereas when you get really good at it, you got a volume of 110
15:39and it's boom, right down to like 30%, just like that.
15:44And then it's manageable.
15:46And then we could do something with it.
15:48Sometimes we need to do something.
15:50Sometimes we need to pick up the phone to the person and clear
15:53up whatever we're stressed about.
15:56Sometimes we need to deal with it.
16:01So, yeah, I hope this podcast helps.
16:03You know what?
16:03Christmas just around the corner.
16:04You could do me a massive favor.
16:06As a gift.
16:07You could share this podcast on social media.
16:10You could leave a comment, you could leave a review.
16:12If you're listening to.
16:14On an iPhone or an iPad and on Spotify, you can subscribe.
16:19And whatever platform you're doing it on, just do whatever it
16:23does hit a heart or leave a review or listen to another episode.
16:28The more people listen to it, the more it's shared.
16:31The more reviews, the more people it's going to help.
16:35And this podcast is to reduce your suffering when the life is difficult
16:41and everybody goes comes across difficult times, even, even
16:46at Christmas, people have difficult times.
16:49So take care guys.
16:50Have an awesome week and I will see you next week.
16:54Merry Christmas.
16:55Namaste.
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