Navigating the Holiday Chaos: A Guide to Compassionate Mindfulness

Q: What if a relative genuinely behaves badly?

You do not have to approve of it or pretend it did not happen. Accepting is about not spending the day fighting a thing that has already arrived.

Q: What if I do not like Christmas at all?

Then that is your reason and it is as valid as anybody's excitement. There is a reason behind every version of it at that table, including the one singing.

Q: Is there a meditation with this one?

Yes, a short talk and about fifteen minutes of loving kindness, meant to be used daily for a few days over the season rather than once.

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The transcript

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relationships · mindfulness · compassion · acceptance

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Hello and welcome to Stillness in the Holiday Season, or Stillness

at Christmas, Stillness in December, the winter stillness at

the family gatherings, whatever we want to call it.

I don't know what this podcast will be called until I probably finish

it, but I want to talk about the difficulties of getting together

at Christmas and how difficult it is and how strenuous it is on

the whole family and us, and how it can really impact our spiritual

journey.

Especially if we see our spiritual journey as some kind of

wonderful adventure that's just on the up and getting better

and more peacefulness and more wonderful enlightened moments.

And then the holiday season comes and we all get together around

the Christmas table and you've got people that are bringing grief,

you got people that are bringing joy, and you're there with

family members, you haven't been there for a while, and you've

got the Christmas music in the shops.

Some people don't like Christmas and all that.

And it just brings a whole load of complexity to the spiritual

journey, to the body, to the mind, to the feelings.

And how do we have compassion for that?

How do we navigate the season of joy when we're all supposed to

be happy and upbeat?

That's today's podcast, and I'm going to record a guided meditation

that goes with this just to help us have a little loving kindness

for ourselves and others at this Christmas time, that we'll have

a little bit of a Dharma talk and a 15 minute meditation you could

do daily for a few days just to help you settle in.

So I've been reading over the years, people like Alan Watts, Richard

Rough, Jack Kornfield, many Zen traditions, and especially my

teacher Junpo, and the way Mondo Zen has really helped me deal

with emotions, especially in turbulent times.

And I look at the whole spiritual journey as, are we suffering

less?

Are we creating less suffering around us?

It's not about getting to a place where we're all brilliantly

enlightened and we're all happy and we never have to worry

about anything.

And we can hug trees and we've fixed everything and everything's

wonderful.

I just think that's unrealistic.

I think that's just some kind of utopian dream, that even if we

had that, it would only last about three months before someone

was complaining.

It's just the reality of evolution and always that drive to

wanting more.

So my spiritual journey and I think that the what it feels like

to be a more genuine spiritual journey is to realize that can we

put out more compassion?

Can we be more understanding and Whenever I read some of these

great teachers, Wayne Dyer and Sharon Salzman, and there's so many

and just friends, many of my friends around me and even my family

are my teachers.

They teach me every day in their conversations.

If I just listen or I have a conversation with somebody and they

teach me something, I can always walk away learning something

if I'm open.

If I don't walk away learning something, then I probably wasn't

open.

I was probably trying to teach them.

So what I will say is I talk about voices and voices in the sense

that.

So what voices do I have at Christmas?

I have the wonderful, exciting voice.

I have that child, that 7 year old that's so excited about getting

together, that 18 year old that's so excited about that food

and the crispy roast potatoes on Christmas day, feeling a really

full belly and then sitting down and playing games with family

in the afternoon.

And then I have the voice of, oh, it's too busy, too much noise,

too many people talking.

The debates around the Christmas table and then the fear

of losing people.

You know, I'm extremely lucky.

We still have many of our family together.

We're able to go to our mums this year and there'll be four generations.

And what a gift that is, not only to have the four generations

here, but to also be in a reasonable area that we can all go

and share that time together.

And I'm also grateful to the fact that I haven't had any terrible

things happen to me over Christmas.

So Christmas doesn't mean something that I have to remember

at an event or someone passing.

So really I'm mindful to.

My voices at Christmas tend to be quite what would be deemed positive,

but many people's aren't.

I'm not a great fan of Christmas music in shops in January.

The slight exaggeration.

My birthday is on December 8th and I always say Christmas doesn't

start till after my birthday.

Okay.

So if you put up Christmas decorations and all that, if you're

listening to me or following me, not till after my birthday.

So that's what I always say to everyone.

You know, not everybody listens.

I go around my, my city, I say my city.

I was mayor so I can call it my city.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, people put up Christmas decorations way too early in my opinion.

But that's it.

We have all these voices, we have all these opinions.

So how do the greats look at how do we get together at Christmas?

You know, the family dynamics are really, really difficult.

Old wounds resurface.

So Many times, all the differing expectations, you know,

there's a massive pressure to just be happy and then there's a

huge potential to be disappointed, to be not happy, to.

You know, there's always the Grinch at Christmas, which I've never

watched the movie because why would I want to watch a movie that's,

like, not very nice at Christmas?

I watch happy movies at Christmas, although I've never watched

Frozen all the way through, so I'm keeping that as an accolade that

I'm managing to keep.

So all of these expectations, all these things, and then we all

get together as family and you've got to.

The other thing is our health.

We end up indulging in food and all that, and we're tired.

And if you're.

Especially this side, I have a lot of listeners from down under

and they can get out and they can have their barbecues at Christmas

and all that.

And that's wonderful.

I'd love to do that over in the UK, if we go outside, our fingers

fall off after 20 minutes.

Well, not really, but mine do because I'm a wimp.

It's so cold here at the moment.

If I ever put this video up on YouTube, you'll see I literally bought

a corduroy jacket with a fake sheep sat in the inside of it from

Vinted, because I'm trying to be a little bit better, trying to

ethically buy clothes.

It's about four sizes too big, so I look like as if I've lost about

five stone and a little small person.

I'm going to A Christmas Carol singing tonight and I'm going to

be wearing this.

It's like.

Yeah, I'm wearing a top that's like four sizes too big and I don't

care because I'm trying to stay warm.

That's Christmas in the uk.

And we remember.

I remember growing up, it was always so cold and going out and

riding our bikes on Christmas Day and coming in and literally breathing

icicles out of our mouths.

And our fingers were blue.

Probably not the case, but how you remember it.

But there's such a physical strain on Christmas and the pressure

to deliver, the pressure to get the best present, the pressure

to spend more money than we have.

And then we have so many people with the grieving and loss,

a feeling of sadness and longing for loved ones that aren't

with us at Christmas because it reminds us.

Reminds us of what we're missing and all of these things.

I mentioned the financial stresses, you know, Alan Watts says

about, you know, accepting what Is just suchness, just what

it is, experience it.

The good, the bad and the messy.

Just it's here.

What can it teach us?

What can it.

What can we accept about it?

And I found a relevant quote.

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move

with it and join the dance.

Alan Watts and I think that's true as long as we don't try to control

it.

You can't control the Christmas dinner, you can't control

the presents, you can't control everything that happens.

You have to somehow just.

It's like very much getting in the sea and expecting the sea to

move with you rather than you move through the sea.

It's not going to happen.

So we've got to allow the ocean to be what it is when we're

swimming.

We got to allow the Christmas season, the voices, everybody around

us to be what they are.

Richard Rohr talks about the non dual thinking and I love the

way he always talks about include everything and everything

belongs.

That's a wonderful quote of his.

You know, whether that person around the table is grieving, that

belongs.

Whether that person around the table is overeating, that belongs.

Whether the.

I was going to say whether the turkey is burnt, that belongs.

I don't know, maybe I'm struggling with that one.

I've had the wonderful gift of the most incredible cook in my life

and she's the best cook in the absolute world, my mom.

And I'm sorry that she couldn't feed the whole world because

yeah, we would all be at least 8 pound overweight.

I love my mom's food and just a wonderful gift.

She's still here.

And now of course, it's down to my stepdad to help because she's

not very well, but she's still here.

So how do we cultivate this compassionate mindfulness at Christmas?

Well, the loving kindness meditation is about accepting other

people for who they are and just aiming a little love towards

them.

So imagine sat at the table or going Christmas shopping and you're

walking in through the shop and you suddenly hear a guy that

is impatient or slightly teasy with naughty older song Wish it could

be Christmas every day again.

And he comments about it and he's moaning and he's dragging his

knuckles along the floor.

How can we just give that guy just a little bit of acceptance and

love for his suffering, whatever that suffering looks like.

Yeah.

And we do it for ourselves because if we try to fight it, it's

too hard work.

You know, I'm in my 50s and I spent most of my life trying to fight

the current flow of things, not wanting this moment to be what

it is.

The moment I sat back and went, okay, let me have it, Everything

changed.

Everything.

Suddenly I didn't have to do anything with what arises.

And that included my thoughts, that included my feelings.

Like, I'm feeling angry.

Wow, what an awesome gift that is to feel angry.

But I don't have to do anything with it because right now

I'm angry about something that's the other side of the world.

There's nothing I can do about it.

If I'm feeling angry about something, I can do about it right

now.

Why am I still angry?

Why aren't I doing something about it?

And doing something about it doesn't mean moan and shout at everybody

else.

That's not doing something that's not wise.

Action anger itself isn't action.

Anger is a feeling.

And the same as all the other feelings, you know, when they're

arising just to, ah, there's a feeling that's okay, there's a thought,

that's okay.

And I don't have to do anything with that thought.

I left my phone on and yeah, it's going to keep messaging, but

that's kind of got a horn going on outside.

I don't know if you can hear it right now.

I'm going to leave it in there because it is what it is.

And what if we don't have to do anything with it?

So how else do we have a compassionate mindfulness this Christmas?

You know, just eye statements.

Recognize when we're coming out from ourselves, rather than blaming

everybody else, express our feelings as, you know, this is what's

arising.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

And it's the same for everybody.

We don't have to blame each other.

We don't have to.

And everybody is dealing with something.

You know, very often we get together with people that we haven't

seen for six 12 months and we're still angry because they made

decisions 10, 20 years ago and we haven't really spoke to them about

it.

Well, I'm not saying you need to speak to them about it, but forgive

them because, you know, we all make mistakes.

The mistakes aren't about us.

I think that's really important.

You know, I've made many mistakes in my life and I would continue

to make mistakes.

Hopefully my mistakes become less intrusive on others, but I can't

always guarantee that.

And we're human and embrace that humanness.

And that's where compassionate mindfulness is.

It's another frail human, that we're all doing our best.

And we may think somebody else isn't doing their best, or we may

think somebody else isn't showing up in the same way as we

should show up or they should know better.

Well, hindsight's a fine thing.

And we all think we have that wonderful gift of hindsight.

We don't.

Every one of us are guilty of not seeing it until we see it.

And it's a reality of the human condition.

We react.

We do all these things, and it's a matter of just be patient.

And one of the things that I found over my time sitting with Zen

masters and teachers, it's very often when somebody else.

Or I'm going on, or we.

They'll just sit and they'll wait.

And when that person's finished, they'll sit and wait a

little longer.

And while they're waiting, the person comes to their own realization.

They get to that hindsight without us having them pointed out.

And other people's feelings are not ours to change or to update

or know.

You shouldn't feel like that.

Think positive.

Do things differently.

Allow people to be what they are.

You know, I don't know why at this point, but it reminds me of

the teacup story that everybody knows about.

The Zen master, and the professor goes to the stem master,

and the master pours a cup of tea, pours the tea into a cup, and

yet the cup is full and keeps pouring out everywhere.

And the professor asks why the.

Why he keeps pouring the tea when the cup is already full and

it's spilling everywhere?

There's a master response.

You are like this cup.

You come to me full of ideas and thoughts.

So how am I meant to teach you anything unless you empty your cup

first?

And that's the same as the Christmas season.

Everybody's coming with all of their ideas on what the Christmas

season should be.

It cannot be everything for everybody.

So if we just.

If we just lower our expectations just by 30%, you know,

I'm an analytical person, so let's do 30%.

Exactly.

Exactly 30%.

And just what would that look like?

What would it look like?

My expectations of Christmas is this.

And then we just lower our tone, lower our expectations.

It gives that little bit of room for other people's expectations

because it will be different.

We know this, you know this, you know, it will not end up the

way you want it to end up.

So just to recap, people will bring their expectations.

They'll bring their feelings of Christmas.

They'll bring their grief and loss or their excitement, their experiences

of the holiday season.

There's a reason why somebody doesn't like Christmas.

Music in the shops.

There's a reason why a person doesn't like Christmas.

Or there's a reason why someone gets really excited about

Christmas and wants to sing and be joyful and bring joy to everybody.

Let them all have their moment.

And I think when we accept that Christmas means all sorts of

different people, we can practice our spiritual journey in

a compassionate way.

How can I be loving at this moment?

And loving is listening and accepting.

You know, the.

The ultimate way you can love someone is to accept them for who

they are.

You've got a cat, you love your cat unconditionally.

I tell you why, because you don't want to change the cat.

You don't look at the cat and go, I wish you were, you know, different

hair color.

I wish you would do this.

I wish you.

I wish you would bring different feelings.

This moment.

Just, we love the cat.

A little bit of annoyance.

What if we just loved this season?

What if we loved our family members?

And what I mean by love them, you don't have to be your arms around

them and get rid of every thought you've ever had for them.

Just accept their flaws, accept what they're bringing to the

season, accept where they're coming from and accept that it doesn't

necessarily have to be the same picture as yours.

Yeah, that's all I got for you today.

You know, I wish it was wise and deep, but it's not.

It's just what it is.

And if I was to say anything, listen more, talk less, breathe,

come to your breath more often and just accept this moment for what

it is.

Just have real hope that the holiday seasons can be what it is.

You can get hold of me.

Go to stevenweb.uk, message me, sign up to my Weekly Calm newsletter,

which is about monthly, because that's how flaky I am.

That's.

Life gets in the way.

It really does.

But I think the weekly calm is like, I'm forever the optimist and

I sent one out last week and I've got about 20 emails to reply

to.

Beautiful emails.

I love hearing from you.

So if you can go over to stevenweb.uk I've also got my Stillness

in the Storms course over there.

At the moment there's 50% off.

I'll be honest, there's always 50% off.

It's $49.

Use the voucher.

It's an audio course, 10 parts stillness in the Storms.

And it's about showing you what you have intuitively, what you've

evolved over millions of years, and using what you've got

to get through any kind of turbulence in life.

Not necessarily aimed towards Christmas, but Christmas is as turbulent

as any of them.

And welcome to the season for whatever it means to you.

I'm Stephen Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms.

And I have no idea what this episode's called.

Take care.

Head over to stephenweb.uk and we can keep this podcast free just

by donating a coffee.

You're awesome and I love.

Navigating the Holiday Chaos: A Guide to Compassionate Mindfulness

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Navigating the Holiday Chaos: A Guide to Compassionate Mindfulness

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.