Episode 135
Navigating the Holiday Chaos: A Guide to Compassionate Mindfulness
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The holiday season can bring a mix of joy and complexity to our spiritual journeys, making it a time of both celebration and challenge. Steven Webb explores the difficulties of family gatherings during Christmas, highlighting how diverse emotions such as grief, joy, and stress can impact our well-being. He emphasizes the importance of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others, especially when expectations run high and disappointments loom. Drawing from his experiences and teachings from various spiritual leaders, Steven encourages listeners to embrace the moment as it is, fostering acceptance and understanding amidst the chaos. Through mindfulness and loving-kindness meditation, he offers tools to navigate this turbulent season with grace and openness.
The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy and celebration, yet Steven Webb explores the underlying complexities that come with family gatherings during Christmas. In this thoughtful episode, he addresses the challenges many face, from the resurfacing of old wounds to the pressures of societal expectations for happiness. The reality is that while some may feel the thrill of holiday cheer, others may grapple with grief, loneliness, or disappointment. Webb emphasizes the importance of compassion—both for ourselves and for those around us—in navigating these mixed emotions.
Drawing from various spiritual teachings, Webb encourages a mindful approach to the holiday season. He discusses the value of lowering our expectations, suggesting that by doing so, we create space for acceptance and understanding. Each family member comes with their own set of emotions and experiences, and recognizing this can lead to a more harmonious gathering. Webb's reflections highlight the necessity of acknowledging the reality of our feelings rather than forcing ourselves or others into a narrative of constant cheer.
To complement his insights, Webb offers a guided meditation designed to cultivate loving-kindness, allowing listeners to find peace amidst the holiday chaos. This practice serves as a reminder that true spiritual growth lies in our ability to embrace the full spectrum of human experience—from joy to sorrow—and to extend compassion to ourselves and others during this meaningful time of year. By fostering a more inclusive and accepting atmosphere, Webb inspires listeners to approach Christmas with an open heart and a sense of connection.
Takeaways:
- Navigating the complexities of family dynamics during the holiday season requires compassion and understanding.
- The holiday season can amplify our emotions, making it crucial to practice loving kindness toward ourselves and others.
- Our spiritual journeys are less about achieving perfection and more about reducing suffering for ourselves and those around us.
- Expectations for Christmas often lead to disappointment; lowering these expectations can help foster acceptance.
- Recognizing that everyone has different experiences and feelings during Christmas can enhance our compassion.
- Mindfulness at Christmas means accepting the present moment, including our emotions and the dynamics around us.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
Hello and welcome to Stillness in the Holiday Season, or Stillness at Christmas, Stillness in December, the winter stillness at the family gatherings, whatever we want to call it.
Stephen Webb:I don't know what this podcast will be called until I probably finish it, but I want to talk about the difficulties of getting together at Christmas and how difficult it is and how strenuous it is on the whole family and us, and how it can really impact our spiritual journey.
Stephen Webb:Especially if we see our spiritual journey as some kind of wonderful adventure that's just on the up and getting better and more peacefulness and more wonderful enlightened moments.
Stephen Webb:And then the holiday season comes and we all get together around the Christmas table and you've got people that are bringing grief, you got people that are bringing joy, and you're there with family members, you haven't been there for a while, and you've got the Christmas music in the shops.
Stephen Webb:Some people don't like Christmas and all that.
Stephen Webb:And it just brings a whole load of complexity to the spiritual journey, to the body, to the mind, to the feelings.
Stephen Webb:And how do we have compassion for that?
Stephen Webb:How do we navigate the season of joy when we're all supposed to be happy and upbeat?
Stephen Webb:That's today's podcast, and I'm going to record a guided meditation that goes with this just to help us have a little loving kindness for ourselves and others at this Christmas time, that we'll have a little bit of a Dharma talk and a 15 minute meditation you could do daily for a few days just to help you settle in.
Stephen Webb:So I've been reading over the years, people like Alan Watts, Richard Rough, Jack Kornfield, many Zen traditions, and especially my teacher Junpo, and the way Mondo Zen has really helped me deal with emotions, especially in turbulent times.
Stephen Webb:And I look at the whole spiritual journey as, are we suffering less?
Stephen Webb:Are we creating less suffering around us?
Stephen Webb:It's not about getting to a place where we're all brilliantly enlightened and we're all happy and we never have to worry about anything.
Stephen Webb:And we can hug trees and we've fixed everything and everything's wonderful.
Stephen Webb:I just think that's unrealistic.
Stephen Webb:I think that's just some kind of utopian dream, that even if we had that, it would only last about three months before someone was complaining.
Stephen Webb:It's just the reality of evolution and always that drive to wanting more.
Stephen Webb:So my spiritual journey and I think that the what it feels like to be a more genuine spiritual journey is to realize that can we put out more compassion?
Stephen Webb:Can we be more understanding and Whenever I read some of these great teachers, Wayne Dyer and Sharon Salzman, and there's so many and just friends, many of my friends around me and even my family are my teachers.
Stephen Webb:They teach me every day in their conversations.
Stephen Webb:If I just listen or I have a conversation with somebody and they teach me something, I can always walk away learning something if I'm open.
Stephen Webb:If I don't walk away learning something, then I probably wasn't open.
Stephen Webb:I was probably trying to teach them.
Stephen Webb:So what I will say is I talk about voices and voices in the sense that.
Stephen Webb:So what voices do I have at Christmas?
Stephen Webb:I have the wonderful, exciting voice.
Stephen Webb:I have that child, that 7 year old that's so excited about getting together, that 18 year old that's so excited about that food and the crispy roast potatoes on Christmas day, feeling a really full belly and then sitting down and playing games with family in the afternoon.
Stephen Webb:And then I have the voice of, oh, it's too busy, too much noise, too many people talking.
Stephen Webb:The debates around the Christmas table and then the fear of losing people.
Stephen Webb:You know, I'm extremely lucky.
Stephen Webb:We still have many of our family together.
Stephen Webb:We're able to go to our mums this year and there'll be four generations.
Stephen Webb:And what a gift that is, not only to have the four generations here, but to also be in a reasonable area that we can all go and share that time together.
Stephen Webb:And I'm also grateful to the fact that I haven't had any terrible things happen to me over Christmas.
Stephen Webb:So Christmas doesn't mean something that I have to remember at an event or someone passing.
Stephen Webb:So really I'm mindful to.
Stephen Webb:My voices at Christmas tend to be quite what would be deemed positive, but many people's aren't.
Stephen Webb:I'm not a great fan of Christmas music in shops in January.
Stephen Webb:The slight exaggeration.
Stephen Webb:My birthday is on December 8th and I always say Christmas doesn't start till after my birthday.
Stephen Webb:Okay.
Stephen Webb:So if you put up Christmas decorations and all that, if you're listening to me or following me, not till after my birthday.
Stephen Webb:So that's what I always say to everyone.
Stephen Webb:You know, not everybody listens.
Stephen Webb:I go around my, my city, I say my city.
Stephen Webb:I was mayor so I can call it my city.
Stephen Webb:I'm just kidding.
Stephen Webb:Yeah, people put up Christmas decorations way too early in my opinion.
Stephen Webb:But that's it.
Stephen Webb:We have all these voices, we have all these opinions.
Stephen Webb:So how do the greats look at how do we get together at Christmas?
Stephen Webb:You know, the family dynamics are really, really difficult.
Stephen Webb:Old wounds resurface.
Stephen Webb:So Many times, all the differing expectations, you know, there's a massive pressure to just be happy and then there's a huge potential to be disappointed, to be not happy, to.
Stephen Webb:You know, there's always the Grinch at Christmas, which I've never watched the movie because why would I want to watch a movie that's, like, not very nice at Christmas?
Stephen Webb:I watch happy movies at Christmas, although I've never watched Frozen all the way through, so I'm keeping that as an accolade that I'm managing to keep.
Stephen Webb:So all of these expectations, all these things, and then we all get together as family and you've got to.
Stephen Webb:The other thing is our health.
Stephen Webb:We end up indulging in food and all that, and we're tired.
Stephen Webb:And if you're.
Stephen Webb:Especially this side, I have a lot of listeners from down under and they can get out and they can have their barbecues at Christmas and all that.
Stephen Webb:And that's wonderful.
Stephen Webb:I'd love to do that over in the UK, if we go outside, our fingers fall off after 20 minutes.
Stephen Webb:Well, not really, but mine do because I'm a wimp.
Stephen Webb:It's so cold here at the moment.
Stephen Webb:If I ever put this video up on YouTube, you'll see I literally bought a corduroy jacket with a fake sheep sat in the inside of it from Vinted, because I'm trying to be a little bit better, trying to ethically buy clothes.
Stephen Webb:It's about four sizes too big, so I look like as if I've lost about five stone and a little small person.
Stephen Webb:I'm going to A Christmas Carol singing tonight and I'm going to be wearing this.
Stephen Webb:It's like.
Stephen Webb:Yeah, I'm wearing a top that's like four sizes too big and I don't care because I'm trying to stay warm.
Stephen Webb:That's Christmas in the uk.
Stephen Webb:And we remember.
Stephen Webb:I remember growing up, it was always so cold and going out and riding our bikes on Christmas Day and coming in and literally breathing icicles out of our mouths.
Stephen Webb:And our fingers were blue.
Stephen Webb:Probably not the case, but how you remember it.
Stephen Webb:But there's such a physical strain on Christmas and the pressure to deliver, the pressure to get the best present, the pressure to spend more money than we have.
Stephen Webb:And then we have so many people with the grieving and loss, a feeling of sadness and longing for loved ones that aren't with us at Christmas because it reminds us.
Stephen Webb:Reminds us of what we're missing and all of these things.
Stephen Webb:I mentioned the financial stresses, you know, Alan Watts says about, you know, accepting what Is just suchness, just what it is, experience it.
Stephen Webb:The good, the bad and the messy.
Stephen Webb:Just it's here.
Stephen Webb:What can it teach us?
Stephen Webb:What can it.
Stephen Webb:What can we accept about it?
Stephen Webb:And I found a relevant quote.
Stephen Webb:The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance.
Stephen Webb:Alan Watts and I think that's true as long as we don't try to control it.
Stephen Webb:You can't control the Christmas dinner, you can't control the presents, you can't control everything that happens.
Stephen Webb:You have to somehow just.
Stephen Webb:It's like very much getting in the sea and expecting the sea to move with you rather than you move through the sea.
Stephen Webb:It's not going to happen.
Stephen Webb:So we've got to allow the ocean to be what it is when we're swimming.
Stephen Webb:We got to allow the Christmas season, the voices, everybody around us to be what they are.
Stephen Webb:Richard Rohr talks about the non dual thinking and I love the way he always talks about include everything and everything belongs.
Stephen Webb:That's a wonderful quote of his.
Stephen Webb:You know, whether that person around the table is grieving, that belongs.
Stephen Webb:Whether that person around the table is overeating, that belongs.
Stephen Webb:Whether the.
Stephen Webb:I was going to say whether the turkey is burnt, that belongs.
Stephen Webb:I don't know, maybe I'm struggling with that one.
Stephen Webb:I've had the wonderful gift of the most incredible cook in my life and she's the best cook in the absolute world, my mom.
Stephen Webb:And I'm sorry that she couldn't feed the whole world because yeah, we would all be at least 8 pound overweight.
Stephen Webb:I love my mom's food and just a wonderful gift.
Stephen Webb:She's still here.
Stephen Webb:And now of course, it's down to my stepdad to help because she's not very well, but she's still here.
Stephen Webb:So how do we cultivate this compassionate mindfulness at Christmas?
Stephen Webb:Well, the loving kindness meditation is about accepting other people for who they are and just aiming a little love towards them.
Stephen Webb:So imagine sat at the table or going Christmas shopping and you're walking in through the shop and you suddenly hear a guy that is impatient or slightly teasy with naughty older song Wish it could be Christmas every day again.
Stephen Webb:And he comments about it and he's moaning and he's dragging his knuckles along the floor.
Stephen Webb:How can we just give that guy just a little bit of acceptance and love for his suffering, whatever that suffering looks like.
Stephen Webb:Yeah.
Stephen Webb:And we do it for ourselves because if we try to fight it, it's too hard work.
Stephen Webb:You know, I'm in my 50s and I spent most of my life trying to fight the current flow of things, not wanting this moment to be what it is.
Stephen Webb:The moment I sat back and went, okay, let me have it, Everything changed.
Stephen Webb:Everything.
Stephen Webb:Suddenly I didn't have to do anything with what arises.
Stephen Webb:And that included my thoughts, that included my feelings.
Stephen Webb:Like, I'm feeling angry.
Stephen Webb:Wow, what an awesome gift that is to feel angry.
Stephen Webb:But I don't have to do anything with it because right now I'm angry about something that's the other side of the world.
Stephen Webb:There's nothing I can do about it.
Stephen Webb:If I'm feeling angry about something, I can do about it right now.
Stephen Webb:Why am I still angry?
Stephen Webb:Why aren't I doing something about it?
Stephen Webb:And doing something about it doesn't mean moan and shout at everybody else.
Stephen Webb:That's not doing something that's not wise.
Stephen Webb:Action anger itself isn't action.
Stephen Webb:Anger is a feeling.
Stephen Webb:And the same as all the other feelings, you know, when they're arising just to, ah, there's a feeling that's okay, there's a thought, that's okay.
Stephen Webb:And I don't have to do anything with that thought.
Stephen Webb:I left my phone on and yeah, it's going to keep messaging, but that's kind of got a horn going on outside.
Stephen Webb:I don't know if you can hear it right now.
Stephen Webb:I'm going to leave it in there because it is what it is.
Stephen Webb:And what if we don't have to do anything with it?
Stephen Webb:So how else do we have a compassionate mindfulness this Christmas?
Stephen Webb:You know, just eye statements.
Stephen Webb:Recognize when we're coming out from ourselves, rather than blaming everybody else, express our feelings as, you know, this is what's arising.
Stephen Webb:It doesn't necessarily mean it's true.
Stephen Webb:And it's the same for everybody.
Stephen Webb:We don't have to blame each other.
Stephen Webb:We don't have to.
Stephen Webb:And everybody is dealing with something.
Stephen Webb:You know, very often we get together with people that we haven't seen for six 12 months and we're still angry because they made decisions 10, 20 years ago and we haven't really spoke to them about it.
Stephen Webb:Well, I'm not saying you need to speak to them about it, but forgive them because, you know, we all make mistakes.
Stephen Webb:The mistakes aren't about us.
Stephen Webb:I think that's really important.
Stephen Webb:You know, I've made many mistakes in my life and I would continue to make mistakes.
Stephen Webb:Hopefully my mistakes become less intrusive on others, but I can't always guarantee that.
Stephen Webb:And we're human and embrace that humanness.
Stephen Webb:And that's where compassionate mindfulness is.
Stephen Webb:It's another frail human, that we're all doing our best.
Stephen Webb:And we may think somebody else isn't doing their best, or we may think somebody else isn't showing up in the same way as we should show up or they should know better.
Stephen Webb:Well, hindsight's a fine thing.
Stephen Webb:And we all think we have that wonderful gift of hindsight.
Stephen Webb:We don't.
Stephen Webb:Every one of us are guilty of not seeing it until we see it.
Stephen Webb:And it's a reality of the human condition.
Stephen Webb:We react.
Stephen Webb:We do all these things, and it's a matter of just be patient.
Stephen Webb:And one of the things that I found over my time sitting with Zen masters and teachers, it's very often when somebody else.
Stephen Webb:Or I'm going on, or we.
Stephen Webb:They'll just sit and they'll wait.
Stephen Webb:And when that person's finished, they'll sit and wait a little longer.
Stephen Webb:And while they're waiting, the person comes to their own realization.
Stephen Webb:They get to that hindsight without us having them pointed out.
Stephen Webb:And other people's feelings are not ours to change or to update or know.
Stephen Webb:You shouldn't feel like that.
Stephen Webb:Think positive.
Stephen Webb:Do things differently.
Stephen Webb:Allow people to be what they are.
Stephen Webb:You know, I don't know why at this point, but it reminds me of the teacup story that everybody knows about.
Stephen Webb:The Zen master, and the professor goes to the stem master, and the master pours a cup of tea, pours the tea into a cup, and yet the cup is full and keeps pouring out everywhere.
Stephen Webb:And the professor asks why the.
Stephen Webb:Why he keeps pouring the tea when the cup is already full and it's spilling everywhere?
Stephen Webb:There's a master response.
Stephen Webb:You are like this cup.
Stephen Webb:You come to me full of ideas and thoughts.
Stephen Webb:So how am I meant to teach you anything unless you empty your cup first?
Stephen Webb:And that's the same as the Christmas season.
Stephen Webb:Everybody's coming with all of their ideas on what the Christmas season should be.
Stephen Webb:It cannot be everything for everybody.
Stephen Webb:So if we just.
Stephen Webb:If we just lower our expectations just by 30%, you know, I'm an analytical person, so let's do 30%.
Stephen Webb:Exactly.
Stephen Webb:Exactly 30%.
Stephen Webb:And just what would that look like?
Stephen Webb:What would it look like?
Stephen Webb:My expectations of Christmas is this.
Stephen Webb:And then we just lower our tone, lower our expectations.
Stephen Webb:It gives that little bit of room for other people's expectations because it will be different.
Stephen Webb:We know this, you know this, you know, it will not end up the way you want it to end up.
Stephen Webb:So just to recap, people will bring their expectations.
Stephen Webb:They'll bring their feelings of Christmas.
Stephen Webb:They'll bring their grief and loss or their excitement, their experiences of the holiday season.
Stephen Webb:There's a reason why somebody doesn't like Christmas.
Stephen Webb:Music in the shops.
Stephen Webb:There's a reason why a person doesn't like Christmas.
Stephen Webb:Or there's a reason why someone gets really excited about Christmas and wants to sing and be joyful and bring joy to everybody.
Stephen Webb:Let them all have their moment.
Stephen Webb:And I think when we accept that Christmas means all sorts of different people, we can practice our spiritual journey in a compassionate way.
Stephen Webb:How can I be loving at this moment?
Stephen Webb:And loving is listening and accepting.
Stephen Webb:You know, the.
Stephen Webb:The ultimate way you can love someone is to accept them for who they are.
Stephen Webb:You've got a cat, you love your cat unconditionally.
Stephen Webb:I tell you why, because you don't want to change the cat.
Stephen Webb:You don't look at the cat and go, I wish you were, you know, different hair color.
Stephen Webb:I wish you would do this.
Stephen Webb:I wish you.
Stephen Webb:I wish you would bring different feelings.
Stephen Webb:This moment.
Stephen Webb:Just, we love the cat.
Stephen Webb:A little bit of annoyance.
Stephen Webb:What if we just loved this season?
Stephen Webb:What if we loved our family members?
Stephen Webb:And what I mean by love them, you don't have to be your arms around them and get rid of every thought you've ever had for them.
Stephen Webb:Just accept their flaws, accept what they're bringing to the season, accept where they're coming from and accept that it doesn't necessarily have to be the same picture as yours.
Stephen Webb:Yeah, that's all I got for you today.
Stephen Webb:You know, I wish it was wise and deep, but it's not.
Stephen Webb:It's just what it is.
Stephen Webb:And if I was to say anything, listen more, talk less, breathe, come to your breath more often and just accept this moment for what it is.
Stephen Webb:Just have real hope that the holiday seasons can be what it is.
Stephen Webb:You can get hold of me.
Stephen Webb:Go to stevenweb.uk, message me, sign up to my Weekly Calm newsletter, which is about monthly, because that's how flaky I am.
Stephen Webb:That's.
Stephen Webb:Life gets in the way.
Stephen Webb:It really does.
Stephen Webb:But I think the weekly calm is like, I'm forever the optimist and I sent one out last week and I've got about 20 emails to reply to.
Stephen Webb:Beautiful emails.
Stephen Webb:I love hearing from you.
Stephen Webb:So if you can go over to stevenweb.uk I've also got my Stillness in the Storms course over there.
Stephen Webb:At the moment there's 50% off.
Stephen Webb:I'll be honest, there's always 50% off.
Stephen Webb:It's $49.
Stephen Webb:Use the voucher.
Stephen Webb:It's an audio course, 10 parts stillness in the Storms.
Stephen Webb:And it's about showing you what you have intuitively, what you've evolved over millions of years, and using what you've got to get through any kind of turbulence in life.
Stephen Webb:Not necessarily aimed towards Christmas, but Christmas is as turbulent as any of them.
Stephen Webb:And welcome to the season for whatever it means to you.
Stephen Webb:I'm Stephen Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms.
Stephen Webb:And I have no idea what this episode's called.
Stephen Webb:Take care.
Stephen Webb:Head over to stephenweb.uk and we can keep this podcast free just by donating a coffee.
Stephen Webb:You're awesome and I love.
