How do you get through Christmas when you do not feel like celebrating? You are not ruining anybody's Christmas by not being in the mood for it.
The family members who trigger you are struggling with it too, in their own way, and mostly for reasons you cannot see. My daughter Kemba used to sit at the Christmas table aged seven and ask whether God was real. This one also carries the update after hospital, which was not a straightforward few months.
One thing to try: Pick three words you want to be over Christmas, and let those decide how you answer things.
In this episode
(0:01) Where the listeners are wiser than the host
(1:55) Kemba, who moved in at four and is as good as my daughter
(3:41) Embracing the festive season, difficult as it is
(5:27) You are not ruining Christmas by not feeling it
(6:32) The family members who trigger you are struggling too
(8:09) The three words I try to hold on to
(9:34) A seven year old at the Christmas table asking about God
(13:03) The reviews, and what they actually mean to me
With gratitude to
Mark Sangher, Sarah and Lizzie, and everybody who supports the podcast.
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
How do you get through Christmas when you do not feel like celebrating?
You are not ruining anybody's Christmas by not being in the mood for it. That is the first thing, and most of the difficulty comes from believing otherwise.
The heart of it
Be who you actually are. Lean out entirely and you lose the day. Lean in falsely and you will not enjoy a minute of it.
The family members who trigger you are struggling with it too, mostly for reasons you cannot see.
Nobody is to blame for doing their job. The shops have to play the music and hand you the mince pie and make you feel you are missing out. The relatives who want the tree up in November are doing Christmas their way.
I struggle with the fifth Christmas tree and Noddy Holder. I am also alright with them being them now, and because there is no friction, it turns out I quite like their tree.
My daughter Kemba used to sit at the Christmas table aged seven and ask whether God was real. Not now, love. Above my pay grade.
I go to my mum's, and she is the best cook in the world, sorry to everybody else. Several kinds of stuffing. Deep fried battered cauliflower, which I do not eat and which is apparently remarkable.
And she tells stories I am in and cannot remember. I used to argue about them. Now I do not, because I appreciate she is there, and at some point I am going to miss the stories and the liver and onions both.
Somebody says something that triggers you. There is a gap between that and how you answer, and sometimes it is infinitely small. It is still there. Every single time.
This one also carries the hospital update. I had major surgery three weeks before Christmas and I never realised how ill I had got until my body took the decision out of my hands. My head is not very wise. My body is.
One small thing to try
Pick three words you want to be over Christmas, and let those decide how you answer things.
Mine this season are understanding, compassionate and accepting. They are almost the same word and that does not matter.
And they point inwards as well as out. There is a voice in me that wants to run and one that wants to be on the Prosecco, and I am drunk after two sips. Both get to be in the room.
Questions people ask
What if Christmas is genuinely hard for me?
Then it is, and there is usually a reason in a past one. You are allowed to do it differently. You are not required to be miserable at everybody either.
What about the relative who winds me up every year?
They are having their own version of this day. That does not excuse anything, and it does make the gap easier to find before you answer.
Do the three words actually help?
More than a resolution does. They are something to check yourself against in the moment, which a list of intentions never quite is.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
stress · relationships · update · compassion
Read the transcript
So welcome to Stillness in the Storms, another podcast by me, Steven Webb, where the viewers are more
wiser and better than the host. It feels like that at the moment. You guys are awesome. You know, the
last couple of weeks has been more than a roller coaster, but essentially it's been on the up,
slowly. You get the old bad day. And for those that don't know, I ended up in hospital. Nearly three
weeks ago. we're three weeks ago this Christmas day and I ended up with a major surgery and I had
a new stoma bag fitted and since then everything's been getting better slowly. One thing after another. When you have
major surgery like that, you don't recover that brilliantly. But things are so much better. I have energy
ah Just I just want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for my flakiness
in the last 12 months of doing this podcast. Some weeks that I just couldn't do it because I just
didn't have the energy. My blood levels were that low and exhausted and I still done my council work and
I never realised how poorly I was getting until my body finally said enough's enough.
You need to sort yourself out. And it took hands into it took matters into its own hands,
which is wonderful. And I thank my body for that because my head is not very wise. My body is
very wise. My head is not. So just I I'm out of hospital clearly. And my life is
gonna be a lot more stable. It's a lot better. And I'm looking forward to Christmas um I have some
amazing, amazing, amazing news. I'm so excited. I am a granddad. My daughter, 26,
Kemba. She was my um mares my consort when I was mayor. And she
moved in with me when she was four years old. She's my stepdaughter, but she's as good as my daughter
you know and my god I'm so pleased. She gave birth on... What day are we today? Saturday. She gave
birth on Thursday. Koa Emily. And koa means warrior. Strong,
resilient tree in Hawaii. And, oh my God, I'm just... I didn't think I would be filled with as much
emotion as what I am, in all fairness. But I am. And... Yeah,
can't wait to see her. We're leaving a go at the moment, especially for the first two or three days
because we feel it's really important that the the baby bonds with the mom and the dad more so than
it gets passed around to 20 people that just want their photograph taken of it. I get why people want
to smell the baby's head and all those things. I don't know. Yeah, I'd love to have a picture of
it, of it of koa But in all fairness... Let's let's do what's best for koa in the
first few days, not what's best for the family. So I just think it's wonderful. Congratulations camera and james I'm
so proud of the pair of you I'm so happy. I'm a granddad. I've got my body sorted nearly.
I'm 50 years old. You can't have it there it's all right I just turned 51, actually. So uphill from
here.
My brain said downhill, but I changed it um Anyway today's podcast. Let's get on with it. Otherwise, I'm going
to be here all day and I'm going to bore you to tears. I just want to talk about embracing
the festive season. And the festive season is really, really difficult. The
marketers have a job to do. Drain you dry of your money. The supermarkets and the shops have to make
you feel good, give you that mince pie, guilt you into buying every last thing in the shop. The lights
and the music and it's all designed perfectly to just get every last penny out of you. To
make you feel like you'll miss out and things like that. And on the other hand, everybody else has their
job to do as well. It's all part of it. It's don't blame anybody for doing their job. Don't blame
the shops for playing music. Don't blame the people for putting up the Christmas Don't blame the family members that
want you to put up a tree and live Christmas the way they want to do it.
But with all that said, if it makes you want to walk away, lean back. Just remember your
home is your home. Do what's right for you and your family.
Don't lean out completely
because that's not the answer either. You don't have to lean in and do Christmas in a different, non-congruent way
to the way you are. And I think this is the most important thing with the festive season. And with
what it's worth, my best advice is be who you are. Be authentic to who you are.
Because otherwise you're not going to enjoy it. Otherwise you're going to find it so difficult then that's not to
mean if you hate Christmas and you think the authentic you is to be miserable and ruin everyone's Christmas. I
would challenge that. Of course it's not. That's not who you want to be. You don't want to ruin people's
Christmas. But you may not feel like celebrating Christmas the same way because of maybe a past Christmas. Maybe experiences
of Christmases. In your life haven't been the same as what others And there is people are like, oh, Christmas
tree, grotto. Amazing. Let's have Christmas every single day. Let's put on noddy older. It's Christmas.
Yeah,
I struggle with them. But I also, I'm okay with them being them. And I have them in my family.
And they're okay. They're doing it their way. And because I don't have the friction with them now, I'm like,
okay, you do it your way. It's fine. And I love your Christmas tree. Your fifth one.
I've only just got in the door and that's four trees already. No, I'm joking. But it kind of feels
like that sometimes. And then we have this amazing meal and everything like that. And then we talk politics and
we do all those things and it gets heated. So now I just step back can go you know, these
family members trigger me. These are the ones I find difficult. But they're just like me in many ways. They're
just struggling with Christmas too and they want to be entertaining. They do it their way. They haven't got the
wisdom and depth that you have. I know you got it because you wouldn't be listening to this podcast. So
pick three words, and I say this quite often, of the real foundations of who you are deep down. Pick
these three words and whatever comes up in the family dynamics and the triggers when you're shopping or doing these
other things. Work out how you can show up with those three words. And it could be authentic, it could
be honest, it could be kind, compassionate, it could be loving, it could be um comedy
funny, it could be whatever words that really resonate with you when you close your eyes and really think about
it.
That's what's
important you bring to Christmas. So for me, the three words, and they change, but right now in this season,
And it's not just pointing to the out world It's pointing to me inside as well. You
know, the relationship with me this Christmas because there's voices I want to run. There's voices that want to party.
And I can't think of much worse than partying at Christmas. But there's still a voice there somewhere that says,
yeah, have you a Prosecco I'll be drunk after two sips, but have your Prosecco. Go crazy. Spend loads of
money. Buy gifts for everybody. And I'm like, no.
So yeah I I still we all have these different voices, whatever the voices are. So the three words I
say and I try to live by at the moment is I show up as understanding,
compassionate and accepting.
And I know they're similar words. If you're compassionate, you're accepting and understanding. If you're understanding, you're
probably compassionate and accepting. And if you're accepting, you're compassionate and understanding. It doesn't matter
if they're similar words. The overall thing is, right now I need those three words just to
show
up as who I am. I don't say hello to her hi I'm Steven, and my three words are understanding,
compassionate, and
accepting.
No, of course I don't I don't even know them. Sometimes I need reminding. Sometimes when I'm about to
jump on someone because they said something to deliberately wind us up, you know, one of the nieces or something
like that would look up and go, and my daughter was really good at this, Kemba that's just given birth.
She was brilliant at this. She would sit at the Christmas table or sit at a roast dinner and she
would sit there seven, eight years old and go, so what about God? Is God real? And I'm like, oh,
just no. Not right now. Wasn't answering the question. That's
where by my pay grade. I have no idea.
So, you know, and
I'm sure we'll get that with my nieces and all that this year. Ken was not up to my mum's
for Christmas lunch this year. But when I get up there, I just appreciate I've still got my mum with
me. Does my head in all the time. She tells these wonderful stories I'm like... Yeah,
I'm in that story, but I can't remember that.
And I used to argue them. I used to battle them. And I'm like, does it matter? It
doesn't matter. And so it's that accepting I just appreciate they're there because trust me, at some point
I'm gonna miss them. And I'm gonna miss my mom's liver and onions. You know, I should be thinking that
way. But if you realise people will move on, people will die. We're dying. You then suddenly have an
appreciation for what we already have and what's already here instead of wishing for something different. So
how do I approach the Christmas lunch, which is always amazing? My mom is the most amazing cook in the
world. I'm sorry, everybody, but she is. We have like sausage stuffing and all kinds of stuffing.
And we have, I don't eat the parsnips, but she has parsnips. She even does deep fried battered
cauliflower, I think. I don't eat it, but it's amazing. I can't fit it all my clay Anyway I'm going
off on tangerine. I'm going to Christmas Day. That's not been my important at all is it? But it always
ends up in quite a debate or someone's triggering you. And when you get that many family members together, whether
it's Christmas Day or whether it's a barbecue in Australia or whatever it is, when you have that many people
together, you have siblings that trigger you.
It's up to you whether you're triggered.
So you could have your three words with kind, compassionate and
wise or peace or calm. Wonderful word, calm. And
just have a pause between what's arising you don't have to do anything with it. Because literally someone could say
something that really triggers you. It's up to you if you do anything with it. It's up to you if
you react.
And you might say, no it's not. If they say something dumb, dig deeper. It is. There is a gap
between what arises and how we respond. Sometimes the gap is so infinitely small that you can't see it. Granted.
But there is a gap. Every single time.
So come up with three words um If you can, message me the three words. Go
over to StevenWebb.uk where you can buy me a coffee. You can message me anytime you want. I always get
back to everybody and sometimes takes me a couple of days, but I do. I love hearing from you. I
love hearing how I might be helping your life or ways in which I can help. Ideas for podcast, ideas
for guided meditation and Thank you for all the amazing reviews this This podcast has like
200 reviews over the past five years. Just incredible. So if you're on Spotify,
put me as one of your favourite lists or something. If you're over on Apple or any other platform, leave
a review. An honest review. I'm not asking for five stars just You know, whatever stars do you feel this
deserves and if you've got some words of advice how I can improve it, please put that too because that's
important. Very often people don't put that kind of side. They that they very often say when
things are good, they don't worry. No, that's wrong actually. People always put when they're complaining, don't they? Just look
at trip advisor Anyway tangent. Thank you. All of you. Wishing you the greatest
Merry Christmas, Happy onnika Happy Seasons, Greetings, Holidays, whatever it is whatever Whatever you're celebrating or not
celebrating, I wish you the most peaceful, loving and compassionate one.
And on that deep breath, I just thank you deeply for your support. And
a double thank you to Mark singer And Sarah
and many others, Lizzie and everybody that donates to me and that are members over on buyacoffee.com
forward slash Steven Webb. There's a link below. I
deeply appreciate it and it's really helped me through this difficult time because when I'm not able to do podcasts
and I've got no sponsors, that pays for the podcast every month and doing the podcast. It's a lot more
expensive than people think. And without that, the podcast would not exist. So thank you. For my
more energy, excited, looking forward to Christmas. Steven Webb, your host of Stillness in the Storms.
