Who are you when nobody needs anything from you? One day you are wanted everywhere, and then almost overnight you are not.
The role becomes the identity. The one who holds the family together, keeps the plates spinning, gets the three in the morning call. Then it stops. Redundancy, a divorce, the youngest leaving, the year ending. Everyone tells you that you should be grateful, and you are, and gratitude and grief sit side by side quite happily. You cannot pour from a cup that has been empty for years. You also deserve to know who you are outside what you give.
One thing to try: Ask yourself the question and answer it honestly. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me?
In this episode
(2:54) One day you matter, then suddenly you do not
(3:54) When the role ends, what is the role now
(5:13) Three in the morning, and how it becomes your identity
(6:32) Redundancy, divorce, the youngest leaving
(7:46) Gratitude and grief sit side by side
(9:02) You cannot pour from a cup empty for years
(10:19) You are not your roles. You never were
With gratitude to
Tiffany, Fran, Caroline, Ruth, Mazdak, Cara and Sujata
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
Who are you when nobody needs anything from you?
Before I became Mayor of Truro, a few previous mayors pulled me aside and said something I did not understand at the time. One day you are important, everybody wants your time and your opinion. Then almost overnight it feels like you are nobody.
They were right. When the new mayor was in the room, I genuinely thought, well, who am I now?
The heart of it
The role becomes the identity. Nobody warns you the plates will stop needing spinning.
Gratitude and grief sit side by side quite happily. You can be thankful for all of it and still mourn that it changed.
I still see my daughter's phone bill leave my account every month. It is not much. Every month I think I really should put it in her name, and then I do not, because who am I if I am not the one helping?
We do not just play the roles, we become them, layer by layer. When your child needs you at three in the morning you are needed, and that is who you are. Mum, dad, the one who holds it together, the one everybody rings.
Then it stops. Redundancy. A divorce. The youngest going to university. A relationship of thirty or forty years ending. And you are standing in a quiet room that feels far too loud.
This is grief. You are grieving a version of yourself, the busy needed important one. And on top of it there is guilt, because from the outside nothing bad has happened. Your children are thriving. You had a good run. You should be pleased, and you are.
You cannot pour from a cup that has been empty for years.
I think this moment is an invitation rather than a loss, though it does not feel like one for a while. You spent thirty years looking after everybody else. It can feel selfish to turn round now, especially for women, who get taught early that their value is in the caring.
You are not your roles. The actor is not the part they play.
One small thing to try
Find five minutes. A cup of tea, a short walk, sitting in the car before you go in.
Ask yourself one question. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me?
Do not judge the answer or analyse it. It might be tiny. Read a book. Sit in the garden. Absolutely nothing. Whatever turns up is the thread, and if you keep pulling gently on it, it leads somewhere.
Questions people ask
Is this only about empty nest or retirement?
No, though those are the big ones. It can arrive with a redundancy, a divorce, or a child simply starting secondary school. Any moment a role you leaned on stops being needed.
I feel guilty even minding. Should I?
No, and nearly everybody does. Nothing terrible has happened, which is exactly why it is hard to admit that something has.
What if I answer the question and nothing comes?
Then ask it again tomorrow. It has often been decades since anybody asked you what you wanted, yourself included. It takes a while to answer.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
purpose · change · self-worth · loneliness
Read the transcript
Hello, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, and this is the podcast where we sit together
in the difficult stuff. No quick fixes, no toxic positivity, and just an
honest conversation about what it means to be human. And sometimes when it feels really heavy.
So today's episode is one that I think a lot of you are going to feel right in your chest.
We're asking the question, who are you when no one needs anything from you? When the roles you
played for decades start to shift?
When the people you once depended on you suddenly don't need you in the same way? What's left? Who
are you? Who's there? Who are you when you feel like you're not needed anymore? It's a
question that can feel terrifying. It's a question I had in my email this week, and I just think it's
a great question to answer, but I think it might also be one of the most beautiful questions that you'll
ever sit with. And that's where we're going to explore together today. So welcome. But
before we go any further, I want to take a moment to say thank you. As always, this podcast is
completely free. No adverts, no big delays. We just get on with it. No sponsors, nobody paying me
to sell you anything. So the reason I can do this is because of people like you, people that can
afford it. Just treating me to a coffee, but in really buying me a coffee is paying for the hosting,
paying for the editing, paying for the equipment, paying for the uploading. All of it costs money. So that's what
they're doing. And the old coffee, I'll be honest. So those small contributions really do pay for everything. So thank
you. So a heartfelt thank you to Tiffany, Fran K, Caroline roof mazdek kara Suja and
there's a few others, a couple of anonymous, and some people on Insight Timer. I can't list everybody, especially when
I haven't done a podcast for like three weeks. But just look deeply grateful to all of you and the
monthly people. You're all amazing you're incredible But let's get on with today's show. So I want to start with
something personal because I think it sets the scene for everything we're going to be talking about today. So a
few years ago, when I was mayor of Truro, I was mayor between 2021 and 23, and before I took
on that role, a few previous mayors pulled me aside and said something that I didn't fully understand at the
time. They said Steven it's a really Strange feeling. One day you're important. Everyone wants your time, your
opinion, your presence. And then suddenly, almost overnight, it feels like you're a nobody. And I know what they mean,
because I felt like I couldn't email anybody or anything. And it didn't really sink into me straight away. But
they're not wrong. So in the months coming after, although people recognise me and all that, it was completely different.
Suddenly, when the new mayor was in the room, it's like, well, who am I? Who am I now?
And it's exactly the same as with my daughter. My daughter, she's grown up now, but every month I look
at my bank account and I see her telephone bill coming out, and it's not a lot. And every month
I'm like, I must have to put it in her name. And but I don't want to do that either,
because, you know, who am I if I'm not there to help? Who am I there if I'm not dad,
to help her?
So it's that strange position. And I think we play so many roles in life that
when that role is no longer needed, what is our role now? What do we do? And that's what we're
talking about today. And I've played so many roles. I'm still playing roles now. You know, I'm a. I'm a
dad, I'm a son. I'm a Cornwall councillor I'm a podcast host, I'm a meditation teacher,
I'm a friend. I. I play all these different roles on a daily basis as you do. You know, whether
you're a mother or a grandmother or your professional role in your job, whether you're retired or whatever you do,
we flip between these roles all the time without even noticing it. You know, you have a different conversation with
your mum or your daughter or your son than you do with your friend. And that's the way it should
be. But that's what today is about, the identity we build from doing so. Here's the
thing. Most of us don't realise until it's too late. We don't just play roles, we become them over
the years, layer by layer. We wrap our entire sense of self around what we do for other people. And
it makes sense. When your child needs you at three in the morning, you are needed. When you're the one
holding the family together, organizing everything, keeping all the plates spinning, that is who you are. It
becomes your identity. Mom, dad, you know, you know exactly who you are, even if you don't want
to hear the words, you know who you are because the people needing you. And nobody warns you that one
day those plates will stop needing spinning. And the kids grow up and the career winds down and
things change shape, the relationship shifts and you're left standing there in a quiet room. And like, now what?
Who am I? Maybe you've ended up single or you've been, you've been with a partner for like 30, 40
years and suddenly you're not together. Or something's happened and it's like, who am I now? I used to get
out of bed and make a cup of tea for my partner every day. What do I do now?
I think it's really quite profound when we realise the emptiness that that creates.
We build a whole identity around it. But still, nevertheless, it feels kind of real. And this isn't just
about the empty nest or retirement, although those things are huge. It can happen at any point. A redundancy,
a divorce, your youngest started in secondary school and they go to university or something. And it's
any moment where a role you relied on to tell who you are and
who you're not maybe gets taken away and suddenly fades. But why does it hurt so much? I
think the reason why this hits so hard is because it's not just a change in routine, it's a kind
of grief. You grieve that role. You're grieving for a version of yourself,
the busy, needed, important you. You know, although we don't want to be that important, me, you know, I don't
want to be mum today. I don't want to be that person needed by everybody, but really we secretly do.
So I think there's emptiness and it's like a disorientation, the quiet that feels like
it's too loud, like what's going on. And on top of that, there's often guilt because from the outside nothing
terrible has happened. Your kids are thriving, your career had a good run and you should be happy, right?
You should be grateful. And you are grateful. But gratitude and grief can sit side by side
sometimes. You can be thankful for everything you had and still more in the fact that it's changed. And if
you're feeling that right now, I want you to hear this real clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. You're
not ungrateful, you're not being dramatic. You are experience one of the most profound transitions a person can
go through. And it deserves to be honored, not dismissed. This is where it gets really beautiful, I think, even
though it doesn't feel like it at first, because this moment, this strange, disorientating, this who am I
now? Moment is actually just a nice invitation.
It's life saying you spent 30 years looking after everyone else, now it's your turn. And that can
feel selfish, especially for women, I think,
who are so often taught that their value lies in caring for others. But it's not selfish. I think it's
necessary. You can't pour from a cup that has been empty for years. And more than that, you deserve to
know who you are beyond what you give, beyond what people wanted from you, needed from you.
I want to leave you with something practical or something small that you can try today or this week, whenever
it's comfortable for you. Find five minutes of quiet, just five, and sit with a cup of tea,
or go for a short walk and sit in your car before you go into the house and ask yourself
this question. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me now?
Don't judge the answer, don't analyse it, don't think about the answer. Just notice what comes up. It might be
something tiny. I'd read a book, sit in the garden. I'd do absolutely nothing.
Whatever it is that comes up, that's the thread. And over time, if you keep pulling gently on that
thread, it'll lead you somewhere. It'll lead you to back to yourself, who you are now
or who you want to show up as now. So that question, what would I do today if nobody needed
anything from me? So here's your one takeaway from today's episode. You are not your roles. You never were
the mother, the carer, the professional, the person everyone depends on. Those were things you do and you
and you did them beautifully. Probably you did the best of your ability and you did it for so many
years. But they are not who you are. They're the roles you played. You know, they're the stage roles.
You know, the actor isn't the actor is not the role they play. They're just playing the role because that's
what they need to do. Who you are is the one who remains. When all of that falls away and
she's still here, she's been waiting for you. Do you know Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you
in the next episode of Stillness in the Storms. Take care of yourself. But just before you go, head over
to StevenWebb.uk where there's links to inner peace, meditations and
weekly calm. You can email me, ask questions if this resonated with you. Leave a comment. Whether you're
on Spotify or on itunes or wherever you do, leave a comment, Message me, reach out.
Above all, just ask that question. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me? Take care.
