Who Are You When No One Needs Anything?

Speaker A: 00:00:03

Hello, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, and this is the podcast where we sit together in the difficult stuff.

No quick fixes, no toxic positivity, and just an honest conversation about what it means to be human. And sometimes when it feels really heavy. So today's episode is one that I think a lot of you are going to feel right in your chest.

We're asking the question, who are you when no one needs anything from you, when the roles you played for decades start to shift, when the people you once depended on you suddenly don't need you in the same way? What's left? Who are you? Who's there? Who are you when you feel like you're not needed anymore? It's a question that can feel terrifying.

It's a question I had in my email this week, and I just think it's a great question to answer, but I think it might also be one of the most beautiful questions that you'll ever sit with. And that's where we're going to explore together today. So welcome. But before we go any further, I want to take a moment to say thank you.

As always, this podcast is completely free. No adverts, no big delays. We just get on with it. No sponsors, nobody paying me to sell you anything.

So the reason I can do this is because of people like you, people that can afford it. Just treating me to a coffee, but ain't really buying me a coffee.

It's paying for the hosting, paying for the editing, paying for the equipment, paying for the uploading. All of it costs money. So that's what they're doing. And the old coffee, I'll be honest. So those small contributions really do pay for everything.

So thank you.

So heartfelt thank you to Tiffany, Fran K, Caroline, Ruth, Mazdaq, Cara, Suja, and there's a few others, a couple of anonymous, and some people on Insight Timer. I can't list everybody, especially when I haven't done a podcast for like three weeks.

But just look deeply grateful to all of you and the monthly people. You're all amazing, incredible. But let's get on with today's show.

So I want to start with something personal because I think it sets the scene for everything we're going to be talking about today.

of Truro, I was mayor between: 2021

And then suddenly, almost overnight, it feels like you're a nobody. And I know what they mean, because I felt like I couldn't email anybody or anything. And it didn't really sink into me straight away.

But they're not wrong. So in the months coming after, although people recognize me and all that, it was completely different.

Suddenly, when the new mayor was in the room, it's like, well, who am I? Who am I now? And it's exactly the same as with my daughter.

My daughter, she's grown up now, but every month I look at my bank account and I see her telephone bill coming out, and it's not a lot. And every month I'm like, I must try to put it in her name. And I don't want to do that either, because, you know, who am I if I'm not there to help?

Who am I there if I'm not dad, to help her? So it's that strange position. And I think we play so many roles in life that when that role is no longer needed, what is our role now? What do we do?

And that's what we're talking about today. And I've played so many roles. I'm still playing roles now. You know, I'm a. I'm a dad, I'm a son.

I'm a Cornwall counselor, I'm a podcast host, I'm a meditation teacher, I'm a friend. I. I play all these different roles on a daily basis as you do.

You know, whether you're a mother or a grandmother or your professional role in your job, whether you're retired or whatever you do, we flip between these roles all the time without even noticing it. You know, you have a different conversation with your mum or your daughter or your son than you do with your friend. And that's the way it should be.

But that's what today is about, the identity we build from doing so. Here's the thing. Most of us don't realize until it's too late. We don't just play roles, we become them over the years, layer by layer.

We wrap our entire sense of self around what we do for other people. And it makes sense. When your child needs you at three in the morning, you are needed.

When you're the one holding the family together, organizing everything, keeping all the plates spinning, that is who you are. It becomes your identity.

Mom, dad, you know, you know exactly who you are, even if you don't want to hear the words, you know who you are because of people needing you. And nobody warned you that one day those plates will stop needing spinning.

And the kids grow up and the career winds down and things change shape, the relationship shifts and you're left standing there in a quiet room. And like, now what? Who am I?

Maybe you've ended up single or you've been, you've been a partner for like 30, 40 years and suddenly you're not together. Or something's happened and it's like, who am I now? I used to get out of bed and make cup of tea for my partner every day. What do I do now?

I think it's really quite profound when we realize the emptiness that that creates. We build a whole identity around it. But still, nevertheless, it feels kind of real.

And this isn't just about the empty nest or retirement, although those things are huge. It can happen at any point. A redundancy, a divorce, your youngest starting secondary school and they go to a university or something.

And it's any moment where a role you relied on to tell who you are and who you are not maybe gets taken away and suddenly fades. But why does it hurt so much? I think the reason why this hits so hard is because it's not just a change in routine, it's a kind of grief.

You grieve that role. You're grieving for a version of yourself, the busy, needed, important you.

You know, although we don't want to be that important, me, you know, I don't want to be mum today. I don't want to be that person needed by everybody, but really we secretly do.

So I think this emptiness and it's like a disorientation, the quiet that feels like it's too loud, like what's going on. And on top of that, there's often guilt because from the outside nothing terrible has happened.

Your kids are thriving, your career had a good run and you should be happy, right? You should be grateful. And you are grateful. But gratitude and grief can sit side by side sometimes.

You can be thankful for everything you had and still more in the fact that it's changed. And if you're feeling that right now, I want you to hear this real clearly. There is nothing wrong with you.

You're not ungrateful, you're not being dramatic. You are experienced one of the most profound transitions a person can go through. And it deserves to be honored, not dismissed.

This is where it gets really beautiful, I think, even though it doesn't feel like it at first, because this moment, this strange, disorientating, this who am I now? Moment is actually just a nice invitation. It's life saying you spent 30 years looking after everyone else, now it's your turn.

And that can feel selfish, especially for women, I think, who are so often taught that their value lies in caring for others. But it's not selfish. I think it's necessary. You can pour from a cup that has been empty for years.

And more than that, you deserve to know who you are beyond what you give, beyond what people wanted from you, needed from you. I want to leave you with something practical, something small that you can try today or this week, whenever it's comfortable for you.

Find five minutes of quiet, just five, and sit with a cup of tea, or go for a short walk and sit in your car before you go into the house and ask yourself this question. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me now? Don't judge the answer, don't analyze it, don't think about the answer.

Just notice what comes up. It might be something tiny. I'd read a book, sit in the garden. I'd do absolutely nothing. Whatever it is that comes up, that's the thread.

And over time, if you keep pulling gently on that thread, it'll lead you somewhere. It'll lead you to back to yourself, who you are now or who you want to show up as now.

So that question, what would I do today if nobody needed anything from me? So here's your one takeaway from today's episode. You are not your roles.

You never were the mother, the carer, the professional, the person everyone depends on. Those were things you do and you did them beautifully. Probably you did the best of your ability and you did it for so many years.

But they are not who you are. They're the roles you played. You know, they're the stage roles. You know, the actor isn't the actor is not the role they play.

They're just playing the role because that's what they need to do. Who you are is the one who remains. When all of that falls away and she's still here, she's been waiting for you. Do you know what?

Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next episode of Stillness in the Storms. Take care of yourself.

But just before you go, head over to stevenwebb.uk where there's links to inner peace, meditations and weekly calm. You can email me, ask questions if this resonated with you. Leave a comment.

Whether you're on Spotify or on itunes or wherever you do, leave a comment, Message me reach out. Above all, just ask that question. What would I do today if nobody needed anything from me? Take care. I love you.