Are You a Healthy PEOPLE PLEASER?

0:03Steven Webb: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are. I'm Steven Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms podcast.

0:11Steven Webb: And this week I'm talking about, can you be a healthy version of a people pleaser?

0:20Steven Webb: It's an interesting one actually because we often see a people pleaser as somebody that is not good, not healthy.

0:29Steven Webb: But I'm just wondering whether or not, because I'm a people pleaser. I tend to keep my mouth quiet and

0:35Steven Webb: I don't tend to say what I really want to say.

0:40Steven Webb: And I'll say yes and agree, even if I don't really want to do it. And I can always remember

0:46Steven Webb: my daughter saying to me quite often, like, you're just you're a pushover you let You let people do all

0:53Steven Webb: these things and, you know, you should stand up for yourself a little bit more. And to be quite honest,

0:59Steven Webb: she's right. She's right to some degree.

1:06Steven Webb: But not entirely and And I'm okay with some people, like... What it perceives to be to be walking all

1:13Steven Webb: over me, but you know, I don't mind if I allow it.

1:21Steven Webb: It's an interesting question. Is there such a thing as a healthy people pleaser? That's the question on today's podcast.

1:34Steven Webb: So just before we get on with that, what's new? Well, I've been listening to a new podcast by Stephen

1:40Steven Webb: Fry on Audible. I think it's only on Audible, but Inside Your Mind. And wow, it's just amazing. It's like...

1:47Steven Webb: It really is the analytical way of seeing inside your mind. How does it work? How did it evolve? But

1:54Steven Webb: also a part of psychology side of it. And it's just really, it's only 12 episodes. He may do another

1:59Steven Webb: season of it, but it's just brilliant. And in one episode, he asked the question. I don't think he asked

2:06Steven Webb: the question originally, but he quoted somebody else asking the question. And when I ask you this question, I I

2:13Steven Webb: want I want you to just give it a couple of seconds to let the question sink in to see

2:18Steven Webb: if you can reply to the question and see and see how your mind, observe what your mind does when

2:24Steven Webb: I ask you this question. And here goes. Are you ready?

2:29Steven Webb: Think of a brand new colour and then think of how you would explain that colour.

2:39Steven Webb: Did you notice the way your brain just goes, I can't do that. I have no idea what to do

2:45Steven Webb: with that. Your mind just totally goes blank.

2:50Steven Webb: So you can try it again now. Think of a brand new colour and then try to explain it. Well,

2:56Steven Webb: of course, your mind cannot do it. It's like just impossible not like thinking up of a new word because

3:03Steven Webb: you can kind of do that. But your mind doesn't know how to think of a new colour. So, yeah,

3:09Steven Webb: that isn't what the podcast is about, but he mentions it halfway through. He talks about cave paintings that are

3:16Steven Webb: like 40 000 years ago where may have been the neanderthals that done it and not us. Just wow. It

3:22Steven Webb: really is a great podcast. I highly recommend it. It's called Inside Your Mind by Stephen Fry and it's only

3:27Steven Webb: on Audible. It's not sponsored by them or anything like that. You know, I'm not that lucky. What else is

3:33Steven Webb: new? I've been invited to the garden party at Buckingham Palace. Me and the mayoress my daughter, are going on

3:40Steven Webb: the 11th of May to Buckingham Palace. How awesome is that I'm going to be spending a few days in

3:46Steven Webb: London, going up there on the Monday, taking a friend, and we're going to be hanging around London until Thursday.

3:52Steven Webb: And then we got the Mayor's Golf Day, and then the Mayor's Day on Lemon key And it's going to

3:59Steven Webb: be a really busy, crazy, brilliant, busy week. How excited is that? I remember my parents going years and years

4:06Steven Webb: ago um Mom and Andy went years and years ago with Matthew Taylor, the Mp. And yeah, and I'm going

4:13Steven Webb: now all these years later. So what else is new? I managed to get myself some dry roasted Kp peanuts

4:20Steven Webb: today. I don't know what's wrong with the shelves nowadays, but they seem to be empty. You cannot get original

4:27Steven Webb: Kp dry roasted peanuts anywhere. And my blood sugar levels are really down they're going really, really well. And I

4:33Steven Webb: tend to have a little bowl of dry roasted peanuts every night. I know it's not the best thing for

4:40Steven Webb: me, but I enjoy it it's one it's one It's one of my sins. But let's get on with today's

4:47Steven Webb: podcast. And we're asking the question, is there a healthy version of being a people pleaser? Is it okay

4:55Steven Webb: to be a people pleaser? Now then, a little bit of background. I am a people pleaser. I really am.

5:02Steven Webb: And at many times in my life, it has been in the detriment of what I've wanted. I've chose what

5:09Steven Webb: other people want. Right down to, I can meet with someone and they say like, what we're going to have

5:14Steven Webb: for my evening meal or our evening meal? And I'll look up and go, well, you know, I don't mind.

5:20Steven Webb: I'll have anything you want. And they'll go right well I'll have this. And it might be something that I

5:25Steven Webb: don't want, but I'll say yes and I'll have it. Just to not upset the apple cart. And that's what

5:32Steven Webb: it is about being a people pleaser, isn't it? You don't ever want to upset the apple cart. You don't

5:37Steven Webb: want to be disliked. You don't want anybody to say anything bad about you. You're devastated if someone doesn't like

5:44Steven Webb: you. Well, I suffer from all of those things. You know, it doesn't make any sense in what I do

5:52Steven Webb: I'm I Part of me is a politician, although we're all politicians in some way, but part of me is

5:59Steven Webb: a politician. I'm the local mayor at the moment and I'm the councillor for the mareskin tree heaven Ward And,

6:05Steven Webb: you know, people say things sometimes that I am uncomfortable with and I'm learning to deal with that.

6:12Steven Webb: So, you know, is it possible to be a healthy people pleaser? Well.

6:19Steven Webb: Let's look at what it means to be a people pleaser anyway. Let's look at the unhealthy version and then

6:25Steven Webb: look at the healthy version because I did a podcast on healthy and unhealthy and what words not to say

6:32Steven Webb: not what words to drop out your vocabulary. And one of those words is good and bad. You

6:40Steven Webb: know, things are not good or bad. Things are, we interpret them to be good or bad. In the scheme

6:46Steven Webb: of the universe, you know, that earthquake in the universe's eyes is not good nor bad. But if you're a

6:53Steven Webb: human that's got a house on the side of that um mountain where the earthquake is going to happen or

7:00Steven Webb: landfall or whatever is going to happen, then it's a bad thing. So I say let's change good or bad

7:07Steven Webb: to healthy or unhealthy. You know, there's healthy way of eating, unhealthy. There's food that's

7:15Steven Webb: healthy or unhealthy. There's anger that can be healthy or unhealthy. So instead of having good anger and bad and

7:23Steven Webb: then labeling it and trying to get rid of certain things, that's where I'm coming from. That's really, and I'll

7:29Steven Webb: put a link to that podcast down below. So what does it mean to be an unhealthy people please Well

7:36Steven Webb: I put a little list here and I'm going to go through the list. You know, you avoid conflict. That's

7:43Steven Webb: one of our people pleases. That's a really big thing. Avoid it at all costs. Even if you get conflict

7:50Steven Webb: sorted out, the other side of it could be really good. But you avoid it. You don't want to deal

7:56Steven Webb: with it. You know, they change who they are based on the situation. You know, we'll literally sit down and

8:04Steven Webb: yeah, I'm into that. I'm into this when really we're not. People pleasers don't really have boundaries. They don't set

8:11Steven Webb: them because if they set boundaries, they won't be able to step out of them. They won't be able to

8:16Steven Webb: go over them because they have to do that to please people. They very often cannot say no. You

8:24Steven Webb: may not be all of these things, but you may be a few of these things. I think everybody to

8:29Steven Webb: some degree is a people pleaser. You know, whether it's in work or at home or to your children or

8:37Steven Webb: whatever. We all can be or we might be at a certain time. But we lose sight of who

8:45Steven Webb: we are um We lack self-care. You know, that's a very much unhealthy version of a people pleaser.

8:53Steven Webb: Lack self-care. Don't look after ourselves. We'd rather look after somebody else than look after ourselves. You

9:02Steven Webb: know, ain't that true? And we are always putting others first. You know, their choice um their thoughts, their

9:09Steven Webb: opinion. We'll always go, yeah, I see your point. And we don't very often put our side. Okay, I don't

9:17Steven Webb: recognise that part of me and the people pleaser. But certainly some of the rest. The problem is we then

9:23Steven Webb: build up resentment. We really resent other people because they're pushing us around. But even worse, we resent

9:31Steven Webb: ourselves because we know we shouldn't be doing that. We know we've been pushed around. We know

9:39Steven Webb: that we should have made better choices. We should have put our boundaries in place. So we have a more

9:44Steven Webb: resentment for ourselves than anybody else.

9:47Steven Webb: And that they lack self-joy.

9:51Steven Webb: Albeit they think they're happier because they're allowing people to do whatever and push all over them and walk all

9:58Steven Webb: over them and things like that. But really, they do lack self-joy um and very much disconnect from everything.

10:06Steven Webb: They think they're connected. They're part of it. They're really part of the gang and whatever's going on, but they're

10:14Steven Webb: not. They're more disconnected than we realise and Because they cannot be honest and they cannot say what they really

10:20Steven Webb: want and they don't have boundaries, they tend to lack honesty. So if someone asks them how they're doing, you

10:26Steven Webb: know, how are you? Yeah, I'm fine. How are you really? Yeah, yeah, I'm really fine. So that they lack

10:33Steven Webb: honesty, but it's not because they're dishonest. If that makes any sense whatsoever that they're not lying

10:40Steven Webb: intentionally, but that they're not telling the truth of what they really want. So if someone says, so what do

10:46Steven Webb: you want for tea? It's like, yeah, I'm happy with either one of those options when really they're not entirely

10:51Steven Webb: happy with both options, but they would rather eat the option that they're not all that keen on just to

10:59Steven Webb: keep think keep the peace. They tend to agree a lot. You know, they'll agree with people yeah Yeah yeah,

11:06Steven Webb: I think you're right. I think you're okay. Yeah, definitely.

11:10Steven Webb: So, you know, that's the unhealthy version of people pleasers. And I recognise a lot of that in me.

11:18Steven Webb: I recognise a lot of that in me even now still. But

11:22Steven Webb: instead of trying to get rid of the people pleaser, because what's the opposite to a people pleaser? Someone that

11:28Steven Webb: doesn't care? I don't really know. I should have thought about this before the podcast, but what is the opposite

11:35Steven Webb: to a people pleaser um someone that Someone narcissistic? Someone that puts themselves forward all the time? Someone that

11:43Steven Webb: never considers the feelings of others but I don't want to be that. I don't want to be someone like

11:47Steven Webb: that. So being the opposite to a people pleaser isn't the option either. So it's a matter of finding a

11:54Steven Webb: healthy balance between the two. And this is where I can ask the question. And if you ask yourself as

12:02Steven Webb: well, what is a healthy version of a people pleaser? So when you're looking at when I'm looking at this

12:09Steven Webb: list, like avoid conflict, a healthier version is they're okay with conflict. When it's narcissistic

12:17Steven Webb: or dangerous or, you know, too far and any kind of conflict that may risk injury or something like that.

12:25Steven Webb: You know, I'm not saying be okay with that, but I'm saying be okay with an exchange of views. You

12:32Steven Webb: can have a little conflict in a conversation. You can have a conflict of views. That's okay. It doesn't mean

12:38Steven Webb: either you are necessarily 100 right or it doesn't mean either you're 100 wrong. And instead of like changing who

12:46Steven Webb: you are in this situation, things like that, accept yourself as okay. It's okay to feel different to them. It's

12:52Steven Webb: okay to fit in one day and not fit in another day because we have a change of heart. We

12:57Steven Webb: have a change of opinion, things like that. You know, nothing's ever linear in straight in a straight line. It's

13:04Steven Webb: always got winds and turns. And

13:08Steven Webb: I said about people please have no boundaries or very little. You know, have some boundaries. You know, think what

13:15Steven Webb: your boundaries are um What won't you compromise on? I don't have a lot of boundaries and I find it

13:21Steven Webb: hard to set them. But there's a few things I won't compromise on I won't I'll try not to compromise

13:27Steven Webb: on my integrity and I won't compromise on my... Freedom and my ability to make my own choices.

13:35Steven Webb: And that comes down to the care because I'm paralysed just below the neck. I won't allow people to to

13:42Steven Webb: dictate to me what I can and cannot do when it comes to just everyday things in my life. Whereas

13:49Steven Webb: most people would never consider that the kind of thing that I have to have someone do for me. And

13:56Steven Webb: I won't compromise on how that's done, how I'm showered, things like that. Also, I won't compromise on being open-hearted

14:03Steven Webb: and caring. No one's going to come in and tell me not to care. No one's going going to make

14:10Steven Webb: me that narcissist. I won't compromise on that. That is who I am. And no one's going to make me

14:17Steven Webb: a non-people pleaser. I'm happy to be one. I'm

14:23Steven Webb: just learning to be a healthy one, that's all. So yeah, have some boundaries. Have some setting stone things that

14:30Steven Webb: you're you're not willing to compromise on. That's a good exercise. You can even write that down the piece of

14:36Steven Webb: paper. What three things will I not compromise on no matter what?

14:43Steven Webb: Another thing I mentioned about you cannot say no and you're losing sight of who you are and all that

14:48Steven Webb: because you won't say no to people. You'll end up doing things that other people want. Just practice saying no,

14:54Steven Webb: especially first of all to the people close to you and your family and things like that. And you can

15:00Steven Webb: even tell them, you know, I'm practicing saying no. Can you allow me to say no to this suggestion, please?

15:07Steven Webb: Explain to people. Nobody minds very often when you explain to them that

15:14Steven Webb: it's a matter of, you know, I'm trying this a little bit. If someone says, how are you doing? Instead

15:21Steven Webb: of saying fine, you say, well, I'm practicing being honest. So I'm going to try to, something

15:29Steven Webb: that I've been trying recently and that's to be more honest. And I've done a live on my Facebook the

15:35Steven Webb: other day. And it come from Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity in the book. She has a year of

15:41Steven Webb: being honest And I thought, well, I'm pretty honest. But when she explains about like, when someone says, how are

15:48Steven Webb: you doing? I'm not that honest because I often say, yeah, I'm fine. And if they push me, I go,

15:53Steven Webb: yeah, I'm really good. I upgrade fine to really good just to get them off my back. Whereas really it's

15:59Steven Webb: like, how are you doing? Deep breath. Well, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling right now I'm quite excited because

16:07Steven Webb: I'm actually doing a podcast I haven't done for a while. My health is pretty good at the moment so

16:12Steven Webb: I'm kind of really upbeat.

16:15Steven Webb: I'm also feeling quite overwhelmed because we got a week ahead of us in the council and things like that.

16:19Steven Webb: I have so many meetings this week. So the honest answer is, yeah, I'm feeling the pinch a little at

16:26Steven Webb: the moment. So instead of being a people pleaser and just saying yes, you can you can actually be honest

16:33Steven Webb: and say how you're feeling, which is another thing people pleasers don't say very often, or they'll mirror the other

16:40Steven Webb: person's feelings. And

16:44Steven Webb: I met them I also mentioned about losing sight of who you are. You'll end up trying to fit into

16:48Steven Webb: the gang, fit in with a, especially at school, you remember trying to fit in with a either your geeky

16:55Steven Webb: side or the really in crowd? Or perhaps I'm just projecting my schooling at the moment. I wasn't really in

17:02Steven Webb: with either. I don't I didn't know what I fitted in with. But I I changed depending on who I

17:08Steven Webb: hung around with that day.

17:10Steven Webb: And so I was more proud of the gang and who they were. And I say gang lightly. What I

17:17Steven Webb: mean is, you know, the group than I was myself. And I wasn't looking for the group that was similar

17:24Steven Webb: to me. I was trying to change myself into the group. So be proud of who you are, you know.

17:29Steven Webb: Stick your head up above the pulpit and say, no, this is who I am, you know. If you're a

17:35Steven Webb: people pleaser, say, yeah, I am, but I'm a healthy one. So, instead of putting others first be yourself first

17:42Steven Webb: sometimes. And again, really, I'm not going to go through the whole list. You get the point because every

17:50Steven Webb: people pleaser is not the same. You're not the same as me. You won't do it the same way as

17:55Steven Webb: I do. And you may not even be a people pleaser and you may be just listening to this episode

18:00Steven Webb: because you know a people pleaser. And I suppose the point I'm making is look at what a

18:08Steven Webb: healthy version of You looks like. What does a healthy version of what you do look like? And

18:16Steven Webb: instead of trying to change who you are, instead of trying to rewrite who you are based on the last

18:22Steven Webb: self-help book you read or the last Youtube video or the last time a guru came in and give you

18:29Steven Webb: some advice, just like I'm doing on this podcast, cast it all aside and just just ask yourself, what would

18:37Steven Webb: a healthy version of this look like? So you can be angry. What's the healthy version of angry look like?

18:44Steven Webb: You can be anything you want, but what's the healthy version look like? It's not about getting rid of it.

18:50Steven Webb: It's not about changing. It's not about getting rid of your people-pleasing tendency, that voice inside of you that wants

18:58Steven Webb: to make others happy. I love that voice. I love the voice inside of me that does put others first

19:04Steven Webb: sometimes, that does care about others, that has the compassion. And I think that's the wonderful

19:12Steven Webb: qualities of a people pleaser. Perhaps we should change it into a different phrase and call it something different. But

19:20Steven Webb: I think we should be proud of it. And I think we should embrace it. And I think we just

19:25Steven Webb: got to look at it in a healthy way. I'm Steven Webb, and this is Stillness in the Storms. And

19:30Steven Webb: if you could leave a review, that'd be absolutely amazing um If you could share this podcast, it'd be absolutely

19:36Steven Webb: amazing. And if you want to sign up for my newsletter now I'm doing something a little different. I'm always

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20:06Steven Webb: I'm currently listening to Inside Your Mind by Stephen Fry Amazing series on Audible. And it's not sponsored by Audible,

20:14Steven Webb: anything like that. I've got no sponsors for this podcast so I'm not selling you anything. So that take

20:21Steven Webb: care. Have a wonderful week. Head over to StevenWebb.uk. Love you guys. You're awesome.

20:29Steven Webb: And embrace your people-pleasing skills. Do it in a healthy way. Take care. Bye.