Episode 150
Attachment Isn’t the Enemy. The Struggle to Let Go Is
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🧘 Episode Summary
In this episode of Stillness in the Storms, I talk about attachment. It's one of the biggest causes of suffering, but I'm not here to tell you to let go. I think that advice is nonsense. What if instead of trying to let go, we simply allowed things to be as they are?
I share what attachment has looked like in my life. From cigarettes to identity to the future I imagined that never arrived. You'll also hear from members of my WhatsApp group who told me what they find hardest to let go of. We cover nostalgia, self-worth, change, and why trying so hard is often the problem.
This is not about giving everything up. It’s about loosening the grip, opening your hand, and allowing what comes and goes to just be.
🎧 Why Listen
- You are struggling to let go and nothing seems to work
- You are attached to a past version of yourself or a future that never came
- You want a down-to-earth take on mindfulness and Buddhist teachings that make sense in real life
- You are tired of chasing happiness and need space to breathe
🌟 Quotes from the Episode
- “Letting go is pants. It doesn’t work. Just open your hand and let it be.”
- “You don’t have to give something up forever. Just give it up for one hour.”
- “You’re not a smoker who gave up. You’re just someone who didn’t smoke this hour.”
- “The minute you stop trying to be better, the better version of you starts to show up.”
- “Buddhism doesn’t say don’t love. It says don’t cling.”
- “Enjoy the moment but don’t become attached to it. Let it come and go.”
☕ Thank You
This podcast is free and always will be because of the people who support it. I do not run adverts. That’s a choice I make so you can tune in and hear what I have to say without interruption.
Huge thanks to
Senga – your five coffees came in just as I hit record
Michael, Dominique, Ulysses – yes, you bought 34 coffees, you legend
Nick, Julie, and Anne – thank you so much
And to all my monthly supporters – I see you and I’m deeply grateful
If you want to support the show and keep it advert-free, the link is in the notes. Supporters also get access to the private WhatsApp group where I share new meditations and episodes first, and where we talk honestly about the stuff that matters.
Transcript
So welcome to Stillness in the Storms.
Speaker A:I'm Stephen Webb, and I want to talk to you about attachment.
Speaker A:And it's one of the real big things about suffering.
Speaker A:We suffer more because of attachment than probably anything else.
Speaker A:And suffering is optional, as the Buddhists would teach us.
Speaker A:So I'm going to talk about that today.
Speaker A:I'm going to talk about my take on attachment, because it's quite a bit different than the letting go.
Speaker A:I think letting go is pants.
Speaker A:I don't think it works.
Speaker A:So I spoke to my group on what's happened, the donators and the people that help keep this podcast free, and just said, what are your struggles with attachment and what are you attached to?
Speaker A:So they give me some ideas and they told me some things that they're attached to.
Speaker A:So I'm going to go through them in this week's podcast.
Speaker A:So, yeah, this week's all about attachment and how we can deal with it.
Speaker A:So just before we start, I want to thank Senga.
Speaker A:You're awesome.
Speaker A:I've just seen your five coffees come up, actually, just before I was about to start this.
Speaker A:Thank you, Michael, thank you, Dominique, and thank you, Ulysses.
Speaker A:Ulysses, you bought 34 coffees.
Speaker A:You're absolutely awesome.
Speaker A:Thank you, Nick, and thank you, Julie and Anne.
Speaker A:You're all awesome.
Speaker A:Thank you very much.
Speaker A:So if you hadn't noticed, these podcasts and my Inner Peace Meditations don't have any adverts, and that's because people treat me to a coffee.
Speaker A:I don't like putting adverts because I like to tune into a podcast, listen to the person, what they got to say, rather than tune into 50% of the adverts.
Speaker A:So thank you guys for keeping it free.
Speaker A:And it does cost quite a bit to host it and do all the work and the editing.
Speaker A:So, anyway, moving on with today's podcast about attachment.
Speaker A:So there's all types of attachments, and really one of my main attachments was being really attached to a cigarette.
Speaker A:I had to give up cigarettes.
Speaker A:I always said I can give up cigarettes anytime, so I did it lots of times.
Speaker A:The reality was I always went back to smoking, so I didn't do a very good job of it.
Speaker A:So I was really attached to cigarettes, and I was attached to that feeling of going out and just having that last cigarette before going to bed and the relaxing and the wonderful nature and the feeling that I thought it was giving me.
Speaker A:So I was really attached to that and that ability to go somewhere and instead of doing nothing, I could have a cigarette and just sit there and and in that transition of life, getting out the car or doing these different things or going into somewhere, you'd have that transition.
Speaker A:So I got really addicted to that.
Speaker A:So I'll talk a bit later on how I got over my addiction to cigarettes.
Speaker A:And I did smoke most of my life.
Speaker A:I'm 50, 52, and I think I've smoked a good 30 years of my life, maybe 25.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:I started when I was about 13, and not hugely at 13, but I, by the time I was 16, 17, and I broke my neck.
Speaker A:And even after breaking my neck with my lungs that are half paralyzed, I still carried on smoking until I was in my 40s.
Speaker A:Did give up a couple of times, but anyway.
Speaker A:And the other thing I was really, really attached to is my life going forward.
Speaker A:I was attached to when I was in a relationship.
Speaker A:Was the future of that life how it should be.
Speaker A:I was attached to my expectations.
Speaker A:And I got really disappointed when life didn't turn out that way.
Speaker A:That was slightly easier.
Speaker A:I, you know, letting go of that one, that was slightly easier.
Speaker A:But I was attached to, you know, trying to control the world, trying to control everything, to get it the way I wanted it.
Speaker A:And I still have loads of subtle attractions now.
Speaker A:You know, I like pleasure.
Speaker A:I like the clinging on to the hope that I can make things better.
Speaker A:I like it when I'm really doing really well, health wise.
Speaker A:And I'm like, oh, if only it can stay like this.
Speaker A:I'm attached to the weather been nice and all these different things, and we all have all these attachments and all that.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:But the main thing is, and, and this is the key thing.
Speaker A:If you don't listen to any more of this podcast or key thing is be okay and enjoy the experience, but don't stay there wanting it.
Speaker A:The idea in Buddhism is not to give away everything.
Speaker A:It's not to.
Speaker A:I don't want to be attached to anything.
Speaker A:So I'm going to give away everything.
Speaker A:I'm going to go around my clothes, I'm going to sell my house, I'm going to literally live a minimal life.
Speaker A:And no, Eckhart Tolle thought that he realized that most of his suffering was coming from items and attachments.
Speaker A:And he ended up at a point where he was on a park bench and he realized that he desired a sandwich.
Speaker A:And I think the story goes that he realized at that point that he couldn't give up anything, everything.
Speaker A:And the Buddha did exactly the same thing when he was walking around, when he was just doing his teaching for Food.
Speaker A:He gave it up to the point where he didn't even want to eat a grain of rice, apparently.
Speaker A:And you realize that that just creates more suffering, ironically.
Speaker A:So what was the four Noble Truths of Buddhism, what Siddhartha came up with when he sat underneath a tree and meditated until the snails come onto his hair?
Speaker A:It was, to be alive is to suffer.
Speaker A:And what.
Speaker A:And then number two, why is that?
Speaker A:Because of attachments.
Speaker A:And number three, there's.
Speaker A:There is a way out.
Speaker A:And number four, the Eightfold path.
Speaker A:So, you know, I'm not going to go through the whole, whole Eightfold path, but really, the way I deal with attachments is a more subtle Buddhist way, rather than the Western way of just let go, just let it go.
Speaker A:And, you know, you hear it on the Disney song Let It Go, Let it.
Speaker A:No, I'm not gonna sing.
Speaker A:Trust me, you'll never.
Speaker A:You'll never want to listen to a podcast again if I sing.
Speaker A:But if you just allow things to be what they are rather than trying to let them go.
Speaker A:So take this analogy.
Speaker A:If you've.
Speaker A:You're holding something tight in your hand and you don't want anybody to take it away, and you open your hand and say, it's a butterfly.
Speaker A:Okay, let's get over the fact that you probably hurt it by holding it tight, but you've opened your hand, the butterfly's on it.
Speaker A:And if you're like, fly away.
Speaker A:I need you to go, I don't want you here anymore.
Speaker A:Pushing away.
Speaker A:And they don't.
Speaker A:And it flies away, and it comes back.
Speaker A:It's frustrating.
Speaker A:So how does that feel when you're trying to let something go and the mind just brings it back in.
Speaker A:I'm trying to give up.
Speaker A:I'm trying to do all these different things.
Speaker A:And now imagine how it feels just to open your hand.
Speaker A:But you don't have to do anything with the butterfly.
Speaker A:Just imagine just allowing it.
Speaker A:Your hand, to be open.
Speaker A:If it flies away, it does.
Speaker A:If it doesn't, that's fine.
Speaker A:How does that feel?
Speaker A:A lot less pressure.
Speaker A:A lot easier.
Speaker A:So here's the thing.
Speaker A:And when you take the four classic forms of attachment, they either come under sense and pleasures.
Speaker A:They either come under our opinions and beliefs and views.
Speaker A:And I know it's like when someone challenges me and I've got a view or opinion, I'm like, no, you're wrong.
Speaker A:And sometimes I like it.
Speaker A:I'm even worse with family.
Speaker A:I'm okay with most people, but family, no.
Speaker A:And then we get attached to rules and rituals and what we need to do in these things, you know, don't step on a crack.
Speaker A:It'll be bad luck.
Speaker A:Don't do this.
Speaker A:You know, and these rules and rituals go back, I don't know, a millennia.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Also clinging to self and identity.
Speaker A:I am, Stephen.
Speaker A:This is who I am.
Speaker A:You are whoever you are.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Who are you?
Speaker A:Well, I'm a doctor, I'm a counselor.
Speaker A:I'm a. I'm not a doctor, by the way, but I'm all with these things.
Speaker A:And I'm a kind person.
Speaker A:And someone challenges it and says that one very kind.
Speaker A:It was like, well, made a mistake.
Speaker A:That isn't me.
Speaker A:That's not why I'm like.
Speaker A:And people always, you say, well, you're very laid back, Stephen.
Speaker A:I'm like, yeah, I am.
Speaker A:Until I'm not.
Speaker A:As my daughter, she'll say, no, he's not.
Speaker A:So Buddhism doesn't say, don't love or don't enjoy things.
Speaker A:It says, don't cling to them.
Speaker A:And I think this is the essence and the difference.
Speaker A:So the Western world is we have to give up everything.
Speaker A:We have to let go.
Speaker A:And you hear it constantly.
Speaker A:I know I'm repeating myself now.
Speaker A:I'm doing it deliberately because I want you to drop the fact that you're trying to let go.
Speaker A:So some of the things that my friends come up in the WhatsApp group, and there's access to the WhatsApp group for any donators that donates to the podcast and helps to keep it free.
Speaker A:Now, we talk about all sorts in there and we also have announcements.
Speaker A:And I always share my meditations and my podcast in there first when they're released.
Speaker A:You know, it's not for everybody.
Speaker A:It's not a huge talking thing, but, you know, you can put it on mute.
Speaker A:You can do it, but you can directly ask me a question.
Speaker A:You can directly interface with me.
Speaker A:Interface.
Speaker A:You can directly communicate with me on WhatsApp.
Speaker A:I'm very busy.
Speaker A:I don't always reply straight away, but you can.
Speaker A:So some of the stories, some of the things that they come up with on when I ask them, what do you suffer with most?
Speaker A:What is your attachment?
Speaker A:Difficulty letting go of the past?
Speaker A:Nostalgia or longing for what it once was?
Speaker A:Oh, I hear you.
Speaker A:You know, just.
Speaker A:I think, although I do have this, I don't have it quite so much because I learned so much to let go of the fact that I did break my neck.
Speaker A:I am paralyzed.
Speaker A:There's nothing I can do about that.
Speaker A:So I don't really crave the walking Life because I know it would make me miserable.
Speaker A:But sometimes I do create my youthful looks, my younger been fitter, less injuries or less illnesses.
Speaker A:Because each day now is like the first five minutes of the day is like cracking all my bones just moving and it hurts.
Speaker A:I know that once I get out of bed and things will be much better.
Speaker A:But oh boy.
Speaker A:So I, I do crave the younger days and I also crave the fact that I didn't do many things that I thought I should have done.
Speaker A:You know, at my age I felt like I should have wrote a book.
Speaker A:I should and that, you know, so I suppose one of my attachments, I should have, I should have.
Speaker A:So that's like a subtle one as well.
Speaker A:Just looking through the list here now.
Speaker A:Struggle to embrace change, even when it's bad for them.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:This is Toby and I hear you, Toby.
Speaker A:Struggling to embrace change.
Speaker A:So the one thing with the subconscious mind is it doesn't care about you.
Speaker A:It doesn't care about your feelings, it doesn't care about what you like or dislike.
Speaker A:All it cares about is moving forward and surviving.
Speaker A:Hence why reach for a cigarette or it'll do the bad things again and again and again.
Speaker A:Because it's not thinking long term, it's just thinking, how do I improve my life right this moment here and now?
Speaker A:So, but it isn't making wise healthy decisions, it's just basing it on what you did in the past.
Speaker A:So there's a comfort there as a comfort in that cigarette, There's a comfort in that alcohol drink.
Speaker A:There's a comfort in phoning the person you know is bad for you.
Speaker A:But you know what is going to happen.
Speaker A:It's like children when they watch the same movie, you know, 3 million times and you're like, are you not bored with that yet?
Speaker A:No, of course they're not.
Speaker A:Because they know what's happening at the end and they feel safe.
Speaker A:So even if it's bad for you, you feel safe.
Speaker A:Your subconscious mind will keep bringing it up again and again.
Speaker A:So it just makes sense.
Speaker A:So how do you embrace change?
Speaker A:You become okay with it.
Speaker A:Instead of trying to go, well, you know, I'm trying to embrace it, just accept it.
Speaker A:It's going to change anyway.
Speaker A:You know, if you sit down and spend just a couple of minutes every day and just observing and listening, everything changes.
Speaker A:It's already happening, you know, from.
Speaker A:Even if you're listening to a river, every single sound of that river is completely different.
Speaker A:It may sound the same to our quite primitive ears, but it's constantly changing everything.
Speaker A:So when you sit back and realize that, well, fighting it is futile, and trying to be a good Buddhist or be a good personal growth person and going, hey, I'm embracing change.
Speaker A:Just don't try.
Speaker A:It's gonna happen anyway.
Speaker A:So you mentioned about moving house.
Speaker A:I remember when I had my kitchen redone and it needed it.
Speaker A:It was so bad.
Speaker A:The kitchen hadn't been redone for, I think, 40 years and 30 years.
Speaker A:And the kitchen sink was awful.
Speaker A:You know, all these kind of things.
Speaker A:These units have been in there a long, long time.
Speaker A:And then because I live in a social housing, the council came out and they did the house, did the kitchen for me, and I didn't like going in there for the first few weeks.
Speaker A:It wasn't my kitchen.
Speaker A:I felt uncomfortable.
Speaker A:And it wasn't until I stopped telling people that I felt uncomfortable.
Speaker A:It wasn't until, you know, at some point I was just like, oh, wow, it is what it is.
Speaker A:Did my subconscious then move on?
Speaker A:It's just like, okay, give up with that.
Speaker A:Let's move on to something else.
Speaker A:So I don't know if that really, really helps.
Speaker A:But, yeah, it's.
Speaker A:It's a matter of stop trying to let go.
Speaker A:Stop trying to embrace change.
Speaker A:Stop trying so damn hard.
Speaker A:We're all trying to stay.
Speaker A:We're all trying really hard to be really good personal growth and really good at never losing our temper or really good at being enlightened and all that.
Speaker A:The minute you stop trying.
Speaker A:And there's a really good analogy for this, I always remember.
Speaker A:So it's like the.
Speaker A:If there's a carrot, it's dangling in front of you and it's attached to a stick that's in that, going up your back, bent over, and it's in front of you, then what we're doing is we're trying to run as fast as we can, try to catch up with the carrot, trying to improve, trying to do all these things, reading books, listening to podcasts.
Speaker A:Oh, the irony.
Speaker A:Doing all these things.
Speaker A:And we.
Speaker A:I've got to do all these different things.
Speaker A:And then.
Speaker A:But the problem is the carrot's always far out in front of you.
Speaker A:And the moment you stop and say, oh, it's raining, that wasn't.
Speaker A:You don't stop and say it's raining.
Speaker A:I'm just.
Speaker A:Literally, I've got the door open and we've had a heat wave.
Speaker A:It's actually raining.
Speaker A:And there's a lovely word for the rain.
Speaker A:After it's been dry for days and you smell that rain that Comes off the ground, it's called.
Speaker A:It's that lovely smell of the rain after a dry spell.
Speaker A:Especially on the road or in paths and pavements.
Speaker A:Anyway, right, going back to.
Speaker A:So the carrots are in front of you, you're running along, and if you just stop, what does the carrot do?
Speaker A:It flies out in front of you, goes away from you.
Speaker A:And the minute, what we normally do is we chase after it and we get faster and faster.
Speaker A:Don't stop and wait.
Speaker A:What's the carrot do?
Speaker A:It comes right back at you.
Speaker A:Then you grab holder.
Speaker A:If you like carrots.
Speaker A:It's a simple metaphor, but I love really is if you stop chasing the happiness, stop chasing the letting go, stop doing.
Speaker A:There's so much that we try to do that we just don't need to do.
Speaker A:This is why I teach him in meditation, is have intentions, have these little things.
Speaker A:But don't try to meditate, like to a point where I've got to silence my thoughts.
Speaker A:I've got to do this, I got to do that.
Speaker A:If you just sit down and allow this moment to be what it is, and you manage that for about 30 seconds, you're way ahead of most meditators in the world.
Speaker A:You're doing all right.
Speaker A:And just do it for another 30 seconds and another 30 seconds.
Speaker A:And whenever you get time, stopping at the traffic lights, whenever you get a moment to.
Speaker A:You come across the door, just hold the handle.
Speaker A:Just two minutes ago.
Speaker A:It is what it is.
Speaker A:And then you do it with each breath.
Speaker A:So breath is another brilliant metaphor here, actually.
Speaker A:So if you, you know that you need your breath to survive, every one of you.
Speaker A:If you, you wouldn't breathe out knowing that you're not going to have another breath.
Speaker A:But you do.
Speaker A:You let go after every breath and you let go in the most extreme circumstances, you don't know that you're going to be able to take another breath.
Speaker A:You've learned that you can in most circumstances, luckily.
Speaker A:But you wouldn't let go of that breath if you didn't have the fear.
Speaker A:It's like children need to learn how to get the skill of falling asleep before they learn what falling asleep is.
Speaker A:If you said to a child after they hadn't been asleep ever, and 12 years old and said, right, you're going to have to learn how to go sleep.
Speaker A:They go, what sleep?
Speaker A:Well, you'll close your eyes and you'll know nothing.
Speaker A:And you might wake up in the morning, you're gonna go, I ain't doing that.
Speaker A:No way.
Speaker A:Yeah, well, you gotta let go.
Speaker A:You Gotta let go.
Speaker A:You've got to do it.
Speaker A:You're just not gonna do it.
Speaker A:So attachment, whatever it is, and whether you're trying to find calm, whether or not you're trying to deal with the alcohol and things like that, recognize why you're doing it, why what it is that gives you comfort, recognize your subconscious mind telling you about it.
Speaker A:And how did I give up smoking?
Speaker A:I was going to tell you that.
Speaker A:I still haven't.
Speaker A:I'm still a smoker, I'm still a drinker, I'm still all those things, but I haven't had them for years.
Speaker A:And the way I see is if the.
Speaker A:If the subconscious mind says to me, have a cigarette, I'll go, maybe I'll have one in an hour's time.
Speaker A:The subconscious mind goes, okay.
Speaker A:It doesn't try to fight me.
Speaker A:It doesn't try to.
Speaker A:I don't have a battle with.
Speaker A:I'm letting it go and it's going, well, why are you going to give up?
Speaker A:Why are you doing all that?
Speaker A:Why don't you just have one?
Speaker A:I don't end up in that battle.
Speaker A:And then an hour's time, chances are it's forgotten.
Speaker A:Chances are it's moved on to something else.
Speaker A:And then I just get another hour.
Speaker A:And then before you know it, it doesn't even remember that you used to be a smoker.
Speaker A:Doesn't even bother you.
Speaker A:Then sometimes I'll see someone with a cigarette and I wouldn't mind that, and they go, do you want one?
Speaker A:Maybe I've won an hour.
Speaker A:I still haven't.
Speaker A:So that's the way you can always do one hour.
Speaker A:So if you end up drinking a lot at night, just go, do you know what?
Speaker A:I'm not going to drink to.
Speaker A:Wait, no.
Speaker A:And then 9 o' clock comes along again.
Speaker A:Do you know what?
Speaker A:I'm just watch this program and then I might have a drink afterwards and then go, do you know what?
Speaker A:I'm going to go bed instead of having a drink.
Speaker A:But you're not giving up.
Speaker A:The problem is if you want to give it up, you've got to give it up for life.
Speaker A:And the minute you say I've got to give it up for life or I've got to embrace change is you've got to do it forever.
Speaker A:And forever is a mighty long time from that song by Prince I'm here to tell you there's the afterlife, the world in which everything happens.
Speaker A:Oh, I must get out today.
Speaker A:Anyway, that's my.
Speaker A:That's my podcast on attachment.
Speaker A:And I'm going to record a meditation in a minute about just opening your hand and, and allowing things to be what they are.
Speaker A:Allow this moment to come and go.
Speaker A:Allow the breath to go, allow the hour to pass with not having that cigarette, not having that alcohol drink.
Speaker A:Because you can change nothing.
Speaker A:You can't do nothing about any of it.
Speaker A:And you don't have to give it up forever.
Speaker A:You only have to do it in this moment.
Speaker A:And you don't even have to let it go in this moment.
Speaker A:You know, just by not having it or not doing it or not embracing the change, it's still going to happen.
Speaker A:You're still not going to have that cigarette.
Speaker A:You don't have to embrace.
Speaker A:There you go.
Speaker A:I did it.
Speaker A:I, I, I brute Use my brute force and strength to not do it.
Speaker A:I hope that helps.
Speaker A:So that's my podcast on attachment.
Speaker A:It's like, don't try to let go.
Speaker A:Just allow things to be what they are.
Speaker A:Just open your hand and I just want to say thank you to all the donators, the monthly donated.
Speaker A:You know you are.
Speaker A:Thank you to my group for indulging in my questions and being so open about some of your attachments and sorry if I missed a couple of you.
Speaker A:I took down some notes and yeah, so, yeah, don't try so hard.
Speaker A:Be okay with it.
Speaker A:Be, be okay with this moment and I love you and enjoy life, but don't stay there.
Speaker A:Don't become attached to it.
Speaker A:Just allow it to come and go because it will come and go.
Speaker A:Thank you.
