Attachment Isn’t the Enemy. The Struggle to Let Go Is

Q: Is wanting things wrong?

Not at all. Enjoy the thing. The trouble starts when you stay there wanting it, and when losing it becomes unthinkable.

Q: What if the attachment is a person?

Same move, and harder. You are usually attached to the future you had in your head rather than the person, and that future was never guaranteed.

Q: Does the one hour trick actually work?

It worked for me after thirty years, and I would not pretend it is the only thing that does. What it avoids is the fight, and the fight is what usually loses.

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The transcript

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letting-go · buddhism · suffering · acceptance

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So welcome to Stillness in the Storms.

I'm Stephen Webb, and I want to talk to you about attachment.

And it's one of the real big things about suffering.

We suffer more because of attachment than probably anything

else.

And suffering is optional, as the Buddhists would teach us.

So I'm going to talk about that today.

I'm going to talk about my take on attachment, because it's

quite a bit different than the letting go.

I think letting go is pants.

I don't think it works.

So I spoke to my group on what's happened, the donators and

the people that help keep this podcast free, and just said, what

are your struggles with attachment and what are you attached

to?

So they give me some ideas and they told me some things that they're

attached to.

So I'm going to go through them in this week's podcast.

So, yeah, this week's all about attachment and how we can deal

with it.

So just before we start, I want to thank Senga.

You're awesome.

I've just seen your five coffees come up, actually, just before

I was about to start this.

Thank you, Michael, thank you, Dominique, and thank you, Ulysses.

Ulysses, you bought 34 coffees.

You're absolutely awesome.

Thank you, Nick, and thank you, Julie and Anne.

You're all awesome.

Thank you very much.

So if you hadn't noticed, these podcasts and my Inner Peace

Meditations don't have any adverts, and that's because people

treat me to a coffee.

I don't like putting adverts because I like to tune into a podcast,

listen to the person, what they got to say, rather than tune

into 50% of the adverts.

So thank you guys for keeping it free.

And it does cost quite a bit to host it and do all the work and

the editing.

So, anyway, moving on with today's podcast about attachment.

So there's all types of attachments, and really one of my

main attachments was being really attached to a cigarette.

I had to give up cigarettes.

I always said I can give up cigarettes anytime, so I did it lots

of times.

The reality was I always went back to smoking, so I didn't do a

very good job of it.

So I was really attached to cigarettes, and I was attached to

that feeling of going out and just having that last cigarette before

going to bed and the relaxing and the wonderful nature and the

feeling that I thought it was giving me.

So I was really attached to that and that ability to go somewhere

and instead of doing nothing, I could have a cigarette and just

sit there and and in that transition of life, getting out the

car or doing these different things or going into somewhere, you'd

have that transition.

So I got really addicted to that.

So I'll talk a bit later on how I got over my addiction to cigarettes.

And I did smoke most of my life.

I'm 50, 52, and I think I've smoked a good 30 years of my life,

maybe 25.

I don't know.

I started when I was about 13, and not hugely at 13, but I, by the

time I was 16, 17, and I broke my neck.

And even after breaking my neck with my lungs that are half

paralyzed, I still carried on smoking until I was in my 40s.

Did give up a couple of times, but anyway.

And the other thing I was really, really attached to is my

life going forward.

I was attached to when I was in a relationship.

Was the future of that life how it should be.

I was attached to my expectations.

And I got really disappointed when life didn't turn out that way.

That was slightly easier.

I, you know, letting go of that one, that was slightly easier.

But I was attached to, you know, trying to control the world,

trying to control everything, to get it the way I wanted it.

And I still have loads of subtle attractions now.

You know, I like pleasure.

I like the clinging on to the hope that I can make things better.

I like it when I'm really doing really well, health wise.

And I'm like, oh, if only it can stay like this.

I'm attached to the weather been nice and all these different

things, and we all have all these attachments and all that.

And.

But the main thing is, and, and this is the key thing.

If you don't listen to any more of this podcast or key thing

is be okay and enjoy the experience, but don't stay there

wanting it.

The idea in Buddhism is not to give away everything.

It's not to.

I don't want to be attached to anything.

So I'm going to give away everything.

I'm going to go around my clothes, I'm going to sell my house,

I'm going to literally live a minimal life.

And no, Eckhart Tolle thought that he realized that most of his

suffering was coming from items and attachments.

And he ended up at a point where he was on a park bench and

he realized that he desired a sandwich.

And I think the story goes that he realized at that point that

he couldn't give up anything, everything.

And the Buddha did exactly the same thing when he was walking around,

when he was just doing his teaching for Food.

He gave it up to the point where he didn't even want to eat

a grain of rice, apparently.

And you realize that that just creates more suffering, ironically.

So what was the four Noble Truths of Buddhism, what Siddhartha

came up with when he sat underneath a tree and meditated until

the snails come onto his hair?

It was, to be alive is to suffer.

And what.

And then number two, why is that?

Because of attachments.

And number three, there's.

There is a way out.

And number four, the Eightfold path.

So, you know, I'm not going to go through the whole, whole Eightfold

path, but really, the way I deal with attachments is a more subtle

Buddhist way, rather than the Western way of just let go, just

let it go.

And, you know, you hear it on the Disney song Let It Go, Let it.

No, I'm not gonna sing.

Trust me, you'll never.

You'll never want to listen to a podcast again if I sing.

But if you just allow things to be what they are rather than trying

to let them go.

So take this analogy.

If you've.

You're holding something tight in your hand and you don't want anybody

to take it away, and you open your hand and say, it's a butterfly.

Okay, let's get over the fact that you probably hurt it by holding

it tight, but you've opened your hand, the butterfly's on it.

And if you're like, fly away.

I need you to go, I don't want you here anymore.

Pushing away.

And they don't.

And it flies away, and it comes back.

It's frustrating.

So how does that feel when you're trying to let something go

and the mind just brings it back in.

I'm trying to give up.

I'm trying to do all these different things.

And now imagine how it feels just to open your hand.

But you don't have to do anything with the butterfly.

Just imagine just allowing it.

Your hand, to be open.

If it flies away, it does.

If it doesn't, that's fine.

How does that feel?

A lot less pressure.

A lot easier.

So here's the thing.

And when you take the four classic forms of attachment, they

either come under sense and pleasures.

They either come under our opinions and beliefs and views.

And I know it's like when someone challenges me and I've got

a view or opinion, I'm like, no, you're wrong.

And sometimes I like it.

I'm even worse with family.

I'm okay with most people, but family, no.

And then we get attached to rules and rituals and what we need

to do in these things, you know, don't step on a crack.

It'll be bad luck.

Don't do this.

You know, and these rules and rituals go back, I don't know, a

millennia.

So.

Also clinging to self and identity.

I am, Stephen.

This is who I am.

You are whoever you are.

Yeah.

Who are you?

Well, I'm a doctor, I'm a counselor.

I'm a. I'm not a doctor, by the way, but I'm all with these things.

And I'm a kind person.

And someone challenges it and says that one very kind.

It was like, well, made a mistake.

That isn't me.

That's not why I'm like.

And people always, you say, well, you're very laid back, Stephen.

I'm like, yeah, I am.

Until I'm not.

As my daughter, she'll say, no, he's not.

So Buddhism doesn't say, don't love or don't enjoy things.

It says, don't cling to them.

And I think this is the essence and the difference.

So the Western world is we have to give up everything.

We have to let go.

And you hear it constantly.

I know I'm repeating myself now.

I'm doing it deliberately because I want you to drop the fact

that you're trying to let go.

So some of the things that my friends come up in the WhatsApp group,

and there's access to the WhatsApp group for any donators that

donates to the podcast and helps to keep it free.

Now, we talk about all sorts in there and we also have announcements.

And I always share my meditations and my podcast in there

first when they're released.

You know, it's not for everybody.

It's not a huge talking thing, but, you know, you can put it on

mute.

You can do it, but you can directly ask me a question.

You can directly interface with me.

Interface.

You can directly communicate with me on WhatsApp.

I'm very busy.

I don't always reply straight away, but you can.

So some of the stories, some of the things that they come up with

on when I ask them, what do you suffer with most?

What is your attachment?

Difficulty letting go of the past?

Nostalgia or longing for what it once was?

Oh, I hear you.

You know, just.

I think, although I do have this, I don't have it quite so much

because I learned so much to let go of the fact that I did break

my neck.

I am paralyzed.

There's nothing I can do about that.

So I don't really crave the walking Life because I know it would

make me miserable.

But sometimes I do create my youthful looks, my younger been fitter,

less injuries or less illnesses.

Because each day now is like the first five minutes of the day

is like cracking all my bones just moving and it hurts.

I know that once I get out of bed and things will be much better.

But oh boy.

So I, I do crave the younger days and I also crave the fact that

I didn't do many things that I thought I should have done.

You know, at my age I felt like I should have wrote a book.

I should and that, you know, so I suppose one of my attachments,

I should have, I should have.

So that's like a subtle one as well.

Just looking through the list here now.

Struggle to embrace change, even when it's bad for them.

That's.

This is Toby and I hear you, Toby.

Struggling to embrace change.

So the one thing with the subconscious mind is it doesn't care

about you.

It doesn't care about your feelings, it doesn't care about what

you like or dislike.

All it cares about is moving forward and surviving.

Hence why reach for a cigarette or it'll do the bad things

again and again and again.

Because it's not thinking long term, it's just thinking, how do

I improve my life right this moment here and now?

So, but it isn't making wise healthy decisions, it's just basing

it on what you did in the past.

So there's a comfort there as a comfort in that cigarette, There's

a comfort in that alcohol drink.

There's a comfort in phoning the person you know is bad for you.

But you know what is going to happen.

It's like children when they watch the same movie, you know, 3

million times and you're like, are you not bored with that yet?

No, of course they're not.

Because they know what's happening at the end and they feel

safe.

So even if it's bad for you, you feel safe.

Your subconscious mind will keep bringing it up again and again.

So it just makes sense.

So how do you embrace change?

You become okay with it.

Instead of trying to go, well, you know, I'm trying to embrace it,

just accept it.

It's going to change anyway.

You know, if you sit down and spend just a couple of minutes every

day and just observing and listening, everything changes.

It's already happening, you know, from.

Even if you're listening to a river, every single sound of that

river is completely different.

It may sound the same to our quite primitive ears, but it's constantly

changing everything.

So when you sit back and realize that, well, fighting it is

futile, and trying to be a good Buddhist or be a good personal

growth person and going, hey, I'm embracing change.

Just don't try.

It's gonna happen anyway.

So you mentioned about moving house.

I remember when I had my kitchen redone and it needed it.

It was so bad.

The kitchen hadn't been redone for, I think, 40 years and 30 years.

And the kitchen sink was awful.

You know, all these kind of things.

These units have been in there a long, long time.

And then because I live in a social housing, the council came

out and they did the house, did the kitchen for me, and I didn't

like going in there for the first few weeks.

It wasn't my kitchen.

I felt uncomfortable.

And it wasn't until I stopped telling people that I felt uncomfortable.

It wasn't until, you know, at some point I was just like, oh, wow,

it is what it is.

Did my subconscious then move on?

It's just like, okay, give up with that.

Let's move on to something else.

So I don't know if that really, really helps.

But, yeah, it's.

It's a matter of stop trying to let go.

Stop trying to embrace change.

Stop trying so damn hard.

We're all trying to stay.

We're all trying really hard to be really good personal growth

and really good at never losing our temper or really good

at being enlightened and all that.

The minute you stop trying.

And there's a really good analogy for this, I always remember.

So it's like the.

If there's a carrot, it's dangling in front of you and it's

attached to a stick that's in that, going up your back, bent over,

and it's in front of you, then what we're doing is we're trying

to run as fast as we can, try to catch up with the carrot, trying

to improve, trying to do all these things, reading books, listening

to podcasts.

Oh, the irony.

Doing all these things.

And we.

I've got to do all these different things.

And then.

But the problem is the carrot's always far out in front

of you.

And the moment you stop and say, oh, it's raining, that wasn't.

You don't stop and say it's raining.

I'm just.

Literally, I've got the door open and we've had a heat wave.

It's actually raining.

And there's a lovely word for the rain.

After it's been dry for days and you smell that rain that Comes

off the ground, it's called.

It's that lovely smell of the rain after a dry spell.

Especially on the road or in paths and pavements.

Anyway, right, going back to.

So the carrots are in front of you, you're running along, and if

you just stop, what does the carrot do?

It flies out in front of you, goes away from you.

And the minute, what we normally do is we chase after it

and we get faster and faster.

Don't stop and wait.

What's the carrot do?

It comes right back at you.

Then you grab holder.

If you like carrots.

It's a simple metaphor, but I love really is if you stop chasing

the happiness, stop chasing the letting go, stop doing.

There's so much that we try to do that we just don't need to do.

This is why I teach him in meditation, is have intentions, have

these little things.

But don't try to meditate, like to a point where I've got to

silence my thoughts.

I've got to do this, I got to do that.

If you just sit down and allow this moment to be what it is, and

you manage that for about 30 seconds, you're way ahead of most

meditators in the world.

You're doing all right.

And just do it for another 30 seconds and another 30 seconds.

And whenever you get time, stopping at the traffic lights, whenever

you get a moment to.

You come across the door, just hold the handle.

Just two minutes ago.

It is what it is.

And then you do it with each breath.

So breath is another brilliant metaphor here, actually.

So if you, you know that you need your breath to survive, every

one of you.

If you, you wouldn't breathe out knowing that you're not going

to have another breath.

But you do.

You let go after every breath and you let go in the most extreme

circumstances, you don't know that you're going to be able to take

another breath.

You've learned that you can in most circumstances, luckily.

But you wouldn't let go of that breath if you didn't have the

fear.

It's like children need to learn how to get the skill of falling

asleep before they learn what falling asleep is.

If you said to a child after they hadn't been asleep ever, and

12 years old and said, right, you're going to have to learn how

to go sleep.

They go, what sleep?

Well, you'll close your eyes and you'll know nothing.

And you might wake up in the morning, you're gonna go, I ain't

doing that.

No way.

Yeah, well, you gotta let go.

You Gotta let go.

You've got to do it.

You're just not gonna do it.

So attachment, whatever it is, and whether you're trying to find

calm, whether or not you're trying to deal with the alcohol and

things like that, recognize why you're doing it, why what it

is that gives you comfort, recognize your subconscious mind

telling you about it.

And how did I give up smoking?

I was going to tell you that.

I still haven't.

I'm still a smoker, I'm still a drinker, I'm still all those things,

but I haven't had them for years.

And the way I see is if the.

If the subconscious mind says to me, have a cigarette, I'll go,

maybe I'll have one in an hour's time.

The subconscious mind goes, okay.

It doesn't try to fight me.

It doesn't try to.

I don't have a battle with.

I'm letting it go and it's going, well, why are you going to

give up?

Why are you doing all that?

Why don't you just have one?

I don't end up in that battle.

And then an hour's time, chances are it's forgotten.

Chances are it's moved on to something else.

And then I just get another hour.

And then before you know it, it doesn't even remember that you

used to be a smoker.

Doesn't even bother you.

Then sometimes I'll see someone with a cigarette and I wouldn't

mind that, and they go, do you want one?

Maybe I've won an hour.

I still haven't.

So that's the way you can always do one hour.

So if you end up drinking a lot at night, just go, do you know

what?

I'm not going to drink to.

Wait, no.

And then 9 o' clock comes along again.

Do you know what?

I'm just watch this program and then I might have a drink afterwards

and then go, do you know what?

I'm going to go bed instead of having a drink.

But you're not giving up.

The problem is if you want to give it up, you've got to give it

up for life.

And the minute you say I've got to give it up for life or I've

got to embrace change is you've got to do it forever.

And forever is a mighty long time from that song by Prince I'm

here to tell you there's the afterlife, the world in which everything

happens.

Oh, I must get out today.

Anyway, that's my.

That's my podcast on attachment.

And I'm going to record a meditation in a minute about just

opening your hand and, and allowing things to be what they are.

Allow this moment to come and go.

Allow the breath to go, allow the hour to pass with not having

that cigarette, not having that alcohol drink.

Because you can change nothing.

You can't do nothing about any of it.

And you don't have to give it up forever.

You only have to do it in this moment.

And you don't even have to let it go in this moment.

You know, just by not having it or not doing it or not embracing

the change, it's still going to happen.

You're still not going to have that cigarette.

You don't have to embrace.

There you go.

I did it.

I, I, I brute Use my brute force and strength to not do it.

I hope that helps.

So that's my podcast on attachment.

It's like, don't try to let go.

Just allow things to be what they are.

Just open your hand and I just want to say thank you to all the

donators, the monthly donated.

You know you are.

Thank you to my group for indulging in my questions and being

so open about some of your attachments and sorry if I missed

a couple of you.

I took down some notes and yeah, so, yeah, don't try so hard.

Be okay with it.

Be, be okay with this moment and I love you and enjoy life, but

don't stay there.

Don't become attached to it.

Just allow it to come and go because it will come and go.

Thank you.

Attachment Isn’t the Enemy. The Struggle to Let Go Is

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Attachment Isn’t the Enemy. The Struggle to Let Go Is

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.