Empathy vs. Compassion: What's the Real Difference?

Q: Is empathy a bad thing?

No, and I would not want you without it. It is just not the thing people usually need from you. Being felt at is not the same as being seen.

Q: What if I am judging somebody and I am right?

You might well be. Being right about somebody has never once helped them, and the fact that you noticed still tells you something about yourself.

Q: Is compassion a feeling?

I think it is closer to an action than a feeling. Judgement and empathy happen to you. Compassion is a decision to open rather than close.

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empathy · compassion

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So compassion is the cosmic wink that says, I see you, fellow

player, that's Alan Watts take on what compassion is.

And I just love that.

And I'm going to talk about that a bit more in the podcast.

But I heard Ken Wilbert when he wrote in the post Truth World,

he said that the only real judgment from an integral level is

compassion.

And that really did make me think about the word compassion.

And I thought about empathy and I thought about where judgment

comes from.

So that's what this episode is all about.

Compassion becoming whole.

And what's the difference between empathy, judgment and compassion?

And as you know, on Stillness in the Storms, we talk about things

that make us more whole and helps us through the most difficult

times in life.

So that's what this episode is about.

But before I move on to the episode, I do want to thank some

donators this week.

These are the people that donate a coffee to me and keep the

podcast free from adverts.

So, yeah, three cheers to them.

So we got a few here this week.

Gregory, Sherry, John, Judith, Hannah, Julie, Eva, Rani, Jenny,

Shilpa and Catherine.

Then, okay, that's over the last three weeks or so, because I

haven't done a podcast in the last three weeks.

That is over like a little bit of time, maybe even four weeks.

But, you know, thank you to you all.

You are absolutely awesome.

And if you would like to join that exclusive, awesome, amazing

group and keeping this podcast free, just go to stevenweb.uk links

to other podcasts and where you can donate a coffee that's absolutely

amazing.

You could do it via PayPal or do it via Buy Me a Coffee.

But let's talk about compassion and mainly what it's about

and how it really helps us and what's the difference?

So when we talk about judgment and empathy and compassion.

So judgment is I'm judging you, I'm looking at you and I'm judging

you based on things.

Then judgment isn't necessarily a bad thing.

If you're in danger and you need to judge which person is going

to attack you first or judge whether an animal is a danger to

you or not, that kind of judgment I'm not talking about.

I'm talking about the kind of judgment when we look up and we might

say like, well, she's lazy or he's just attention seeking and they're

always so negative.

That kind of judgment we judge people based on normally through

our own shadows, but that's a whole different story.

I'm not going to open that can of worms on this podcast, but we

always.

I will slightly, actually.

We always see the whole world through our own lenses, through our

own experiences, through our own lives.

We don't see the world the way it is.

We see the world the way we see it.

And whenever we judge, we can only judge based on what we know.

And normally what annoys us most is what is really going on inside

of us.

Now, then that takes a bit of time to break apart and to see, but

it's the reality and the truth.

When you strip away all the anger that goes with that and the

judgment itself, that's what's left.

And it's a wonderful wholeness, feeling that when we can

genuinely see that, it gives a sense of relief.

It's like, okay, so everybody.

I was judging everybody.

I was think, really, I was judging myself.

No, that's not true.

Maybe it is.

What if it is?

And if it comes down to is, which it will, it's like, okay, now

I know where to work.

Now I know what to do.

So every time you do judge someone, turn the finger around and

you know where your work lies.

But then let's talk about empathy.

Empathy is that thing where, you know, judgment is.

She's lazy.

Empathy is.

She must be exhausted.

I felt that kind of burnout before.

You can see where that goes now.

You know, you're recognizing that they're tired, but then you

turn it around onto yourself.

So I felt that.

And I can't imagine what he's been through, but I feel the weight

in his silence again.

I feel the weight.

It's about me.

And that kind of pain changes you.

I remember when I was there too.

Again, instantly you sit down with him.

I think Brennan Brown said in one of her books, in one of her vulnerability

books, he's always writing about vulnerability.

I think, anyway, I haven't read all books, but she said the

difference between empathy and compassion.

And we all think we need to give empathy.

Not so much.

We need to give compassion.

And what's the difference when.

So someone sat down there and you sit down there next to them on

the bench, say, how are you doing today?

They say, you won't believe it.

My arm is absolutely killing me.

I got a headache.

I'm really tired.

I'm like fed up with work.

Kids are driving mental now.

Then empathy is.

Yeah, same with my life.

I remember when my kids were driving me mental when I was tired

as well.

And I'm overworked and yeah, I know where you're too, because I've

been there.

That's empathy.

Then I.

The irony is we think we're helping the other person, we think

we're doing them a favor by empathizing with them, but we're

not.

We've just taken everything away from them and putting it on

ourselves again.

Hey look, you might be suffering but I've been there, I've

suffered like that, pull some attention onto me.

Whereas compassion sits there and goes, do you know what?

You're struggling right now?

I feel that and feel it with them but don't put it onto you or

just, just give them a hug or just look at them and go, that's

not easy.

And I'm not not saying do this out of whether or not or do it in

a non genuine way that if you're not genuine, don't do it,

do it with a genuine open heart and go, do you know what?

I just want to sit here and be with you if you care about that person,

because that's what that person needs, that's what that person

wants.

It wants someone to see them and it goes back to that brilliant,

brilliant thing.

Compassion is the cosmic wing that says, I see you fellow player,

I see you fellow player.

Cuz we're all just players on a world stage, Shakespeare said,

and we are, and we're here in a fleeting moment and we just need

compassion for our game, you know, to want someone to see me and

go, yeah, he's doing all right.

When someone said to me at one point, we're all just heroes in our

own journey, I'm like, I'm not, that's not me.

I don't see myself as a hero.

But boy did they plant a seed.

Oh they were right, they were right.

So ever since then, now it's about three or four years ago, I

heard that now might have even been a bit longer, but I often just

think, yeah, I am the hero.

So when I've been the victim, I've not been the victim, I'm like,

yeah, life's really tough right now.

It's really kicking me, it's really like I'm exhausted, I'm not

sleeping, I'm poorly, I've got a cold, I've got all these things

going on, my spasms are terrible, you wouldn't believe it.

And I've had to put on my big boy pants and I've had to go to meetings

and I've had to do all these things.

It seems like I'm playing the victim.

I'm not, I'm shouting that I'm the hero because look at me, I'm

fighting against all the odds.

And that's the way we do.

We're actually writing a story in our head of us as the hero.

Now then, I know my listeners, I know you're going to come up with

some resistance to that, but I really want you to think about it.

Think about your life.

And when your life was really sucks, when your life is really difficult

and you were struggling, didn't you feel like a bit of a hero

at the time?

Didn't you feel like you were the one soldiering through?

You were the one doing.

You were the one that is helping the world?

And that's fine.

That's brilliant.

Because it's a brilliant emotion that humans have evolved.

If humans didn't evolve this empathy and judgment and shame and

guilt and enlightenment and happiness and all of these different

emotions, including the feeling of victimhood mixed in with

the shame and the guilt and the heroism mixed in with the enlightenment

and the happiness and the overcoming the fear, what would be

the point?

But let's get back to compassion for a minute because I

always do this.

I always go way off topic.

I always remember being in a call with Doshin, one of my teachers,

and he's one of my teachers that is just.

He's one of my best teachers.

And I'll tell you why.

Because he winds me up, drives me insane, and he's never gonna listen

to my podcast, but if he ever did, he would look at this and laugh

and go, good.

And I'll tell you why.

I am neck deep, pluralistic green, you know, tree huggers annoy

the hell out of me because I am one.

The people that annoy me most are the people that are so like me.

We don't like to see our own mirror.

And I said to him one day, we were there, and he was talking away,

and he was talking about empathy and compassion.

And I put up my little hand on the zoom call.

He said, stephen.

Yeah?

I said, I want you to tell me the difference between empathy and

compassion.

And he always says this to all of us.

He always says this line, and this line is so hard to do.

And he says, but I want you to Zen it out.

I want you to bring it down to its lowest possible denominator so

it cannot be divided anymore, it cannot be broken down anymore.

So I said to him, and I want you to zen it out.

What's the difference?

And he said, empathy is about you.

Compassion is about them.

I was like, wow, what does that mean?

But when I thought about it over the coming weeks, and when that

really just.

That grew Inside of me, it made me really think.

I don't.

I think he was right in that context.

But empathy is always about us.

And when compassion is about them, what I would say is compassion,

empathy is about me, me, me alone.

It's me feeling your pain.

Look at me, I'm the hero right now because I can feel your pain.

The irony, the irony of what we think it looks like to what it

really is.

You know, let that sink in for a minute.

But I'm feeling like I'm annoying people today.

I'm annoying myself, and that's okay.

But compassion is about them.

So what does that mean?

Compassion is about us and them and everything.

So if you're sitting there in judgment or sitting there in empathy,

it's a contraction, it's a closeness of heart, it's closeness

of yourself, it's a non growth.

Whereas compassion, on the other hand, it's a complete opening.

It's a let everything in.

So you let their pain in, you let the world's pain in, you let

their ignorance in, you let their childless behavior, you let

their everything about everything you don't like, you let

in.

And when you let it in, you let in all the flaws in yourself.

All the things you don't like about yourself, you let in as well.

And your heart opens and then you have compassion and then you

have acceptance because you, you accept yourself for all you are.

For the victim, the hero, the judger, the shame, the guilt, the

failure, the awesome person you are.

All of those things that you have inside knowledge on and you

know what I mean?

Why is it so hard to love yourself?

Because we know what's really going on inside the mind.

You know, when people go, oh, you're ever so kind, you're like,

you have no idea what's really going on in my mind.

I am literally just milking this situation for my own advantage

right now.

But I cannot say it because you'll judge me if I do.

But that's the reality.

I hope you're laughing now because that's the truth.

Or at least it is for me anyway.

It definitely is for me.

I'm working on it.

Whenever anybody says.

And you can, you can test this now.

Whenever anybody says on Facebook or one of the social medias

and all that.

Oh, Steven, you're so caring.

Or you're so.

I'm like, I'm working on it.

I'm really not yet that caring.

I'm doing it all for myself.

I towed a helicopter around Cornwall to raise money for the Cornwall

Air Ambulance.

So I Felt less guilty because they picked me up one day and saved

my life.

So.

So I've got to give something back.

And I love doing it.

I'm organizing another fundraising event.

Going to do it in February.

Now, I had a meeting about this morning.

Why?

Because it makes me feel good.

Am I doing it for other people?

Great that other people get something from it.

But I'm doing it because I'm going to feel good.

I don't want to feel guilty.

The point is, I know that about me.

I know I'm doing it for me.

I know I'm doing it to rub my little ego and go, hey, I'm the hero

here.

And that's okay, because I can't get rid of that.

I can't remove my humanness.

It's like saying, I'm never going to feel fear again.

Good luck with that.

I'm never going to feel happiness again.

I'm never going to feel shame or guilt again.

Good luck with that.

Because these things will come.

The idea is becoming whole.

And this is why compassion isn't necessarily one of the ones

you feel.

Compassion is an action, empathy and judgment, they're actions.

And compassion is an action of opening up and caring about people.

It's an action of really, hey, I see you, fellow player, and I can

feel you.

So I'm just going to talk about a few voices in the conversation

about compassion and what it is.

And psychology notes that safety, not criticism.

It really does rewire the brain.

Just that, safety, but not criticism.

So compassion really does change you.

It makes you come more whole.

Zen reveals, when the judge vanishes, only caring action remains.

So when you drop the judge, you just care.

And you think about that.

When you meet someone and you're not judging them, what's left?

Yeah, just acceptance.

And, you know, integral wisdom says that as your perspective widens,

the natural response is compassionate service.

The more you see, the more compassionate you become.

And I read the other day that every single level you go up on Ken

Wilbers, Acro, all quadrants and all lines on the conscious levels,

you just take more information, more perspectives, more

depth.

The problem is, nowadays we're doing more span than we're doing

depth.

We move to another level, we reach more people and we ignore the

other levels we were at.

Whereas really we need more depth and we need to.

When we move up a level, we need to include those previous levels.

Transcendent, include not transcendent.

Ignore, transcend and condemn.

It's hard work in it.

It's hard work.

This waking up and growing up and showing up and.

Yeah, but it is what it is.

And I tell you what, it might be hard work, but boy, is it revealing

that it just, it just gives joy.

It gives a real fulfillment that you cannot get through happiness

and joy and experiences.

It's like you're filling your cup with something that's really

nourish, nourishing rather than something that is just, you

know, oh, that was good.

That solved a first for two minutes.

No, something that lasts, you know, And a couple of micro practices

you can do for this.

Just a morning question.

Who will need my kindness today?

And just do a midday pause, just two breaths before responding

to conflict.

So in conflict, just take two breaths.

If someone says something that you disagree with, take two breaths.

If someone does something like drive a car and doesn't.

I was going to say doesn't wake, doesn't do their indicator,

take two breaths and if you still want to respond or react, take

another two breaths.

And you know where I'm going from there.

And you know, I'm working again.

I'm working on this.

I'm not that good at it myself, but I'm getting there.

An evening with you.

Just celebrate one compassionate act, however small,

at the end of the day, even if it's just a compassionate act towards

yourself at lunchtime.

I did not judge myself when I started spiraling into that.

You're useless or you're.

You can't do anything or you haven't got a purpose or what you're

doing in life.

Yeah.

And I just want to close this podcast with a huge thank you and

a huge open heart and just say, do you know what?

I don't know what I have got to say, actually, but just.

I'm going to go back to that.

I see you, fellow player.

I'm here laughing with you because you cannot get rid of the

humanness.

Be human.

Be a whole human.

Include everything.

If someone gives you information, include.

Doesn't mean to say you have to give away, just include it.

If you feel an emotion, include it.

If you feel like you want to be the hero, be a hero.

If you feel you want to be a victim, be a victim.

Trust me, the hero will step in.

It won't take long.

I'm going to leave you one thing.

Can you leave a review on this podcast?

Can you type a review before you do anything else?

Because it really does help reach more people.

Apple especially love reviews.

And it also tells me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.

So that really does help me.

So if.

Do you know what?

If 1 in 10 of you leave a review, even if it's just one single

sentence, I will have probably 100 reviews by the end of next couple

of days.

But I know the chances are there'll be two or three.

Be that outlier that gives a review.

That'd be awesome.

And then you can celebrate that one compassionate act tonight.

Hey, I gave Stephen a review when he asked me to.

I'm going to leave you with this.

When I end my podcast and say I love you, I do it with compassion

and with complete acceptance who you are, and hopefully someday.

I love myself with who I am.

But ultimately, thank you.

Thank you to donators.

You are awesome and I love you.

Empathy vs. Compassion: What's the Real Difference?

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Empathy vs. Compassion: What's the Real Difference?

In this episode

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.