Who is parenting you? Most of us need somebody to say put your shoes on and get out of there, and there is nobody doing it, so it has to be us.
Short videos are junk food for the brain and I keep thinking the next one will help. What a good parent would say is not get a grip. It is be a bit kinder to yourself in the journal tonight. There will never be one episode that sorts your storms out for good, and I would be lying if I pretended otherwise.
One thing to try: Say to yourself what a kind parent would say. Not what your critic would.
In this episode
(0:03) Parenting ourselves, and where I came across it
(2:26) Needing somebody to say put your shoes on and go
(4:51) Council meetings, and not many friends these days
(7:23) Junk food for the brain, and the next video helping
(9:39) How about being a little kinder in the journal tonight
(11:50) There is no one episode that sorts it all out
With gratitude to
Laura K, Stewart and Mariette.
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
Who is parenting you?
I came across this idea in Gabor Mate's book Scattered Minds and it landed hard. Most of us could do with somebody kind and wise saying put your shoes on and get out of the door, and there is nobody doing it, so it falls to us.
The heart of it
The parent you need is not the critic. Criticism leaves no room to grow. Acceptance does.
It is not somebody telling you what to do. It is you, doing it kindly.
Where do I need parenting? Leaving on time, for a start. I have this magic thinking where travel time does not exist and nothing will go wrong between here and there. It takes six minutes to get into town, I have ten minutes, so obviously I check my emails for four. Then I get stopped by people on the way and I am late again.
Boundaries. Somebody to say the television goes off now. Somebody to say no, not tonight, you have had rubbish for days, eat your greens.
Balance, which I am poor at. I go all in on one thing, then all in on another.
Holding myself accountable. If somebody else needs my podcast by Sunday, it is done. If it is only for me, I will leave it to the last minute. What is that about?
And the doom scrolling. They removed the bottom of the page and now finding it has become a challenge I know I cannot win.
It is junk food for the brain. I keep thinking the next video will make me happier.
But the one that matters most is the last on my list. Love and reassurance instead of criticism. Not you have not done this, you are useless, you cannot do that. Just, do you know what, you are doing all right.
In that acceptance there is room to grow. In criticism there is not.
And nobody wants to be told. We all know already, which is exactly how we all know it. There will be one of you eating well and one of you with the work and play balance sorted, and you will still be somewhere on this list.
One small thing to try
Say to yourself what a kind parent would say. Not what your critic would.
It will not be get a grip. It will be something like, be a bit kinder to yourself in the journal tonight. Or have a glass of water instead of the fifteenth cup of tea.
Grab a pen or your phone, and ask one question. Where in my life could I do with some loving, wise parenting right now?
Questions people ask
Is this not just talking to yourself?
Yes, and you are already doing it constantly. The only question is what tone that voice uses, and whose voice it borrowed.
What if my own parents were not much of a model?
Then do not use them as the model. Not the parent you had, and not the harsh one either. The one you would want for somebody you loved.
Is there a meditation with this one?
Yes, released alongside it on Inner Peace Meditations. It is the same thing done sitting down rather than talked about.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
self-compassion · healing · self-worth
Read the transcript
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Stillness in the Storms.
And I want to talk about parenting ourselves. And I come across
this concept in the past week when I was reading the book by Gabo
Mate. I think that's how you pronounce his name, Scattered Minds.
And it just. It just really hit home. What do you mean by parenting
ourselves? And what does it mean by do I really need it? Do I
need a parent in my life? I've got carers, I've got PAs. Do I really
need them telling me what I should and shouldn't do? But it really
did resonate with me. And I've been thinking about what areas of
my life do I need a parent in? And I think it's a brilliant concept.
I think it's really good. And, boy, do I need to be my own parent
at times. But just before we start on that, I just want to say
thank you to everybody that donates. You guys are absolutely
awesome. So thank you to Laura K. Jimmy Major is over on Instagram,
and someone else that did not leave their name. And I think that's
it. Currently, the biggest donator of the past 90 days is Stuart.
You're awesome. Thank you, Stuart. You're the number one at
the moment. And I just want to say thank you to Mariette. You have
subscribed to Monthly, and I didn't know that, but you could just
tick the little box. It's just Monthly. You guys are awesome. Thank
you very much. And to be quite honest, I have no ads on the podcast,
simply because I don't like tuning into a podcast and then listening
to 20 minutes of ads. Then here I am talking about the Donators
for two minutes. Anyway, let's get on with today's podcast. Just
imagine for a minute that if you had a kind, wise, loving parent
in your life that you just trusted to be able to go, do you
know what? Just have a look at my life and see where I could do
some parenting. And I've looked at my life and I thought,
where can I do some parenting? One, getting out of the house on
time and not being late. I need someone to go, hey, look, put
your shoes on, get your coat on. Get out of there. Not quite.
Put your shoes on and get your coat on. But I need someone 20 minutes
before I'm due somewhere that takes 18 minutes to get there. Just
tell me 30 minutes. Just, Stephen, get on, get out the door.
You gotta be somewhere. I have this magic thinking that I don't.
I forget about travel time, and I have this wishful thinking
that there's never gonna be anything goes wrong between me and
the destination. Yeah, I go through town, I get stopped and people
talk to me and I'm nearly always late. So I need to really
think about that. So I could do a parent just going to Stephen,
you need to be at so and so today, on time. A simple thing that
so many people find easy to do. I find it so difficult. Literally
I have, I have to be in town. It takes me about six minutes to
get into town and it's 10 minutes to go and I think, right,
I've got four minutes to check my emails. Why? What ridiculous thinking.
But I still do it. I've got better at it, realizing what I do.
So awareness is everything. Just been aware that we do this.
So I'm not late as often but wherever things, boundaries for ourselves,
just, you know, turn the TV off, turn the lights out, you know
that parent comes in the room and goes, time for the TV to go off,
come on. I could do with that sometimes. And I could do with the
parent just going, no, not tonight, look, you've had unhealthy
food for days, eat your greens. And it's like literally little
things that we all know, you know it, I know it. Balance in that
work, life and play, you know, it's not going to full on into one
or the other. I tend to go full on into one and then full on
into another and I don't balance it properly. You know, comfort
with out over indulging in it, you know, I'm not a smoker, I don't
drink. When I look at my life, I think, you know, am I doing anything
interesting at all? I go to council meetings, I, I do hang out
and get out with not so much friends and all nowadays, but because
I'm just so busy. But I really enjoy what I do. I enjoy the colleagues
I work with, the other counsellors and I enjoy the counselors
that are even on. I was going to say opposing sides. We're not
on opposing sides. We just see things differently. We all want the
same things. We all want a healthy. We all want money in our
pockets, we all want to live life well. We just see different
things in different ways. We see different obstacles in the way
to getting that, that's all. Well, did I put on my list holding
ourselves accountable? I really need that. I'm always looking
for external people to hold me accountable. If someone says, right,
your podcast has to be out on Sunday, otherwise, you know, if I've
got to do it for somebody else, I'm on it, but if I'm doing
it for myself, I'm terrible. If I've got too much time in my hands,
I'll leave it to the last minute. What's that about? So just
that accountability just. Come on, Steven, you got a. Get dressed,
go to school. The equivalent adult would be, Come on, Stephen,
just get on and record your podcast. Little things like that.
Do your emails, don't leave them until 11 o' clock at night.
Or do your meditation in the morning when you wake up at 6, 7
o'. Clock. Don't check your phone, stop scrolling. I've even
noticed. Have you noticed now on the doom scrolling, they. I know
they always added it at the bottom and it's been a while since
you had the endless scroll, but it literally has become endless.
I'm like, I want to find the bottom. It's become a challenge now
to find the bottom of the page that I know doesn't exist. How many
times have you done, the bottom's got to be here somewhere.
And you're still scrolling. That's me. Luckily, I don't do TikTok
so much because if someone sends me a TikTok, I don't go and
have a look at it, because if I do that, I won't be back for like
four days talking YouTube, know what I want to watch before
I know what I want to watch. And it's just like, it's junk food
for the brain. It really is. Doesn't help me in any way. I just
think the next video will make me happier. Not that I'm miserable,
but, you know, I mean. But I think the most important thing when
it comes to parenting ourselves is the final one that I
wrote down. And you might have your own ones, but the final one
is giving love and reassurance just instead of criticizing ourselves,
instead of going, you haven't done this, or you can't do this,
or you're useless. Just to go, do you know what you're doing all
right? Do you not accept you the way you are? Because in that
acceptance, there's room to grow. In criticism, there isn't the
room to grow. And I think that's really important. We need
the space to be able to go, do you know what? Let's look at what
I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. And when we do that,
with space, with someone that totally accepts us, we can find that
bit of clarity, that bit of hope, that bit of room to grow, that
room to go, okay, I can see it now. I Can see where I'm going wrong.
And we don't need someone coming in and telling us because
that just annoys us because we all know it. We're all the same.
That's how we all know it. There might be one of you that's
going, well, I always eat healthy. Brilliant. And there might
be one of you go, I have a good work life. Play balance. But
somewhere in this list, you'll be guilty of needing a parent. But
it's not the old parent that is the. The stick that's telling
you what to do. No, I would not like in any way for someone to
come and tell me what to do. If my carer started saying, you would
need to eat this or you need to leave the house at this time or
you need to. I would fall out with them very quickly. But I do
need to parent myself. And that little voice inside of me that
looks up and goes, do you know what, Stephen? You could do it doing
this today. And this is why. How about do this? How about. How
about just be a little more kind to yourself in the journal tonight?
How about be kind and give yourself a drink of water instead
of a cup of tea. I've given up coffee. I've given up lemonade. Fizzy.
Have the odd can of Coke, but it's very, very rare. I don't drink
enough. I drink way too much tea. Going off on my tangents. Way
too much tea. I probably have, like, I was going to say, about 100
cups of tea a day. It's probably. Probably 15 cups of tea
a day. That's mental. And I'm only awake two hours. I'm joking.
I'm awake more than that. Slightly more. It's an age thing.
It's an age thing. Middle age now. It's like, yeah, what was I
gonna say? Why was I too. Love and reassurance. Just take it. Take
a look at your life and just think of, in your life, where could
you do with a loving, kind, wise parent showing up? Not your
parent that you had. Even if your parent was amazing, not that
one. If your parent was, like, deemed as unhealthy and didn't really
help you. Not that one either. Just the loving parent that will
help you to be just a little more healthier, happier, nourished
version of yourself. Just to nudge you in the right direction.
Just to nudge that needle in the right direction. Just that one
to go, hey, come on. I know you're struggling, but let's take
a little small step now and just to be there with you hold your
hand to give you a hug, to just recognize that things are not
always plain sailing and things are not always easy because
they're not. They never will be. You know, Otherwise I could have
done Stillness in the Storms. One episode, told you all about how
to get through the next storm, and you would have been done for
life. No, the universe has got way more bad buckets for you, as
my analogy always says. Somewhere in all my podcasts, I mentioned
that the world that I always thought when I was younger that the
world or the universe or something had two buckets and one
was a good bucket and one was a bad bucket. And once you had all
the bad bucket, you only had the good bucket to go. Just don't
like that at all, is it? You know, bad luck only comes in threes.
Really? Tell that to the 67th time that I've done something or
good things come in threes, does it? I read loads of good things,
more than threes. So, you know, there is no buckets. The universe
is not keeping score. You know, there's not 10 million monkeys
up there all typing on typewriters trying to turn out Hamlet
or something, meanwhile deciding your fate and what you're
doing. No, don't believe it for a minute. That would be the public
sector and they can't afford to pay all the monkeys. So that's
why I know that's not true. Little joke. I found that really
funny. Can't help it. I'm really tickled now. Anyway, right,
Going back to today's podcast is, you know, so I've recorded a
meditation to go with this podcast and I will release it at
the same time on inner peace meditations. And just really just.
Even if you grab a piece of paper and pen or pick up your phone
and just don't scroll, but just pick up the notepad or record
a note to yourself and just sit. Where can I do of a bit of loving,
caring, healthy parenting right now? And I think you'll realize
that there's so many parts of your life and just over the next
few days and weeks, what would a loving parent do for me right now
in order to help me? And I said, I just want to remind you that
you can go to stephenweb.uk spelled with a V and you can Support
me Either PayPal or buy me a coffee. Although I've given up coffee.
It's. Yeah, don't ask. It pays for the podcast. It's not cheap.
Hosting the podcast and my inner peace meditations, I release
them all on there. I have just done a new course as well which is
waiting to go out on Insight timer. Once it's out on Inside timer
I will release it to you guys and I would do what I normally do.
You can pay what you want. This is how to find peace in the
busy times. It's not about stillness in storms or anything like
that, it's just how do you find peace in everyday busy life.
And that's it. It's quite simple. Just a seven day audio course
and that will be there anytime. Just keep an eye out on
the links on the podcast. Meanwhile, head over to steven web.uk
all my links are on there. Anyway, that's it for today. Thank
you for your time and just consider what a loving parent might
be able to do for you today. And it's not about external one,
it's about you. It's internally. Anyway, take care and
