Forgiveness Begins When the Heart Breaks Open

Q: Do I have to tell them I forgave them?

No. I never did until she raised it herself, years later. It is not a gift you hand over. It is something that happens on your side of it.

Q: Does forgiving mean it was alright?

No, and it does not mean forgetting either. It means you stop carrying it. The old line about drinking the poison and waiting for them to die is exactly right.

Q: What if I cannot get there?

Then you are somewhere in the grieving, which comes first and cannot be skipped. Numb, then angry, then all the questions. That order is normal and it takes as long as it takes.

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The transcript

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forgiveness · healing · relationships

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Foreign.

Hello, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms, the podcast

that helps you to get through difficult times.

I'm Stephen Webb, your host, and I've had a few emails recently

about forgiveness and how do they forgive, and I haven't done

a podcast on this for a little while and.

And forgive me for people that might have just listened to other

podcasts about forgiveness, because I'm probably going to repeat

quite a few things.

But that's okay, because if it worked the first time, it'll work

the second time, and there isn't too much to say apart from

what is real.

You know, today I want to talk about forgiveness in a real, honest,

raw way, and the kind that comes not through effort, but through.

But through just a simple understanding and a forgiveness that

has got nothing to do with the other person.

So I'll be giving my example of when I was cheated on and how

I learned to forgive.

And.

But just before we get on with that, I do want to say thank you

to a couple of people that have supported me since last podcast.

And I just want to say where I'm to at the moment, because you

haven't had a couple of podcasts recently, and I think it's

important to tell you where I am and be honest with you.

So thank you, Mark, thank you, Annie, Will and Linda in Australia,

and Julie Simpson, thank you so much for your donations.

You keep the podcast free for everybody, and let's keep it that

way.

You can help just by going to stephenweb.uk and there's ways you

can follow me.

So where am I to at the moment?

I'm struggling a little bit to juggle everything, and I'm getting

back into my meditation even more, doing it longer because I'm

busier than ever.

So there's a sign.

The Dalai Lama that's just turned 90, he's always said, you

know, if.

If you're.

You should meditate four hours an hour a day, and if you're too

busy to do that, you should meditate for two hours.

And I absolutely agree with him with that.

So the warmer mornings, things like that.

So I'm waking up a little earlier and I'm doing the meditation

a little bit, and then the carers come down and I've already

fallen back to sleep by then.

But, you know, I'm really trying to make effort, but I'm struggling

to juggle the life of politics, being a New Cornwall council,

getting the new Cornwall counselor and life of meditation

and podcast host and blogger and all that.

So they are the same thing.

They seem like two opposing forces.

One's peaceful and calm and forgiving and emotional and one is

the fast paced politics.

Not at all.

They are the same thing.

And if people don't realize they're the same thing, the then,

you know, that's where we need to get.

You know, there's been diagrams of the two circles.

We need to move them together a little bit.

But it is difficult holding the two.

It's.

It's difficult trying to keep the two in the mind and keeping the

heart open and doing that.

So I am struggling and I recorded a couple of guided meditations

today and the first one I recorded I just deleted because I

thought, oh no, that's crap, that's rubbish.

And it probably wasn't.

It was probably perfectly fine.

But, you know, so, yeah, I'm struggling a little bit.

So thank you for hanging in there with me.

I really do appreciate it.

But let's get on with the podcast at hand.

You know, forgiveness, the journey and the gift of letting go.

So probably the best place to start is when I found out that my

long term partner had been cheating on me.

Now then being paralyzed and all that, it was a real kick.

It hurt.

I can remember sitting on the bed and they were there and we were

talking about it and we were all crying or both of us were crying

nearly all night because although they did something, you

know, emotions still there as well.

And I believe they did care about me.

Of course they did.

We're friends now, so I know she did and it was just really, really

difficult.

But we've been together quite a long time.

We did grow apart.

It got to the point where when we go to bed at night, we were very

much in different worlds.

So, you know, it wasn't as easy as saying like, oh, we were

in a lovely, happy relationship and how dare they.

You know, it's never normally that simple, but kind of long story

short, I. I couldn't even look at her.

I couldn't even face her.

I couldn't even like anything that was half related to her.

I couldn't even face it, you know, right down to seeing her cup

in the house, things like that.

But after about three years, I was walking the dog around the back

and I got a text and bearing in mind I didn't have anything to

do with her for about two years.

And after three years I got a text and said, do you know what?

I'm sorry for what I did to you.

And in that moment it was weird because for such a long time

I wanted that text And I wanted to reply with, yeah, well,

so you shouldn't.

And, yeah, well, how dare you?

You were the evil one.

I was so ready to.

But the reality was, when I got that text, I felt nothing.

I didn't feel any kind of gratefulness for the text.

I didn't.

I wasn't angry.

I wasn't bothered.

I wasn't even bothered she brought it up.

And it was at that moment that I realized I'd forgiven her.

Because I didn't feel anything.

I didn't feel anger.

I didn't feel.

I didn't even feel forgiveness.

I just felt nothing.

In actual fact, I text her back and said, that's okay.

I forgive you a long time ago, but I hope you can find peace.

And that was it.

And I don't think we've spoke about it.

I don't think it's ever come up or anything like that, but because

it's not part of it, it happened.

I can't forget.

I will never forget.

It doesn't work like that.

This forgive and forget just.

No, that's.

That's bollocks.

That's not going to work at all.

You know, being cheated on to me is like the biggest of betrayals.

It hurts so, so badly.

And why does it hurt so much?

Why.

Why is these kind of things and breakups and all that are so

painful?

Because we blame them for the future that we had in our head and

the wonderful, brilliant life.

And suddenly they were the ones that ruined it.

They were the ones that did it all.

And I can understand.

And then you have to go through this process.

I was very numb at first.

I couldn't even think.

I didn't feel anything for a few days, and.

And then the anger set in.

And then I was thinking, what were they doing?

How are they doing it?

Who was it with, how long for?

And I had all these questions, and for something.

Something gave me the wisdom not to ask the questions.

A Partly because I was so.

Just didn't want to see her, you know, the thought of seeing her

terrified me as well, because I knew I'd be just so angry and.

And I knew I'd be just so hurt and so emotional that it wouldn't.

Probably wouldn't have done us any good at all.

And I think when the questions did start coming back, how long was

it for?

You know, was it good?

Did you enjoy it?

All those things.

I didn't want to know that.

Of course, they weren't the answers I wanted.

But you asked those questions in your head, and I'm so glad I did

not ask those questions because you don't know and you're

not going to get the truth anyway.

If they've cheated on you, you're not going to get the truth.

And I'm talking about cheating because this is my perspective.

But there was also another relationship that split up, and I

hit more rock bottom at the end of that one because I didn't

know there was anything wrong in the relationship at the time.

And then suddenly they just text me and said, I don't know what

I want anymore.

And that was like.

That floored me.

And I found it harder to forgive that person than I did the

person that cheated on me in a weird way.

And I'll tell you why.

Because at that point, I thought the relationship was perfect

and I was looking forward to.

They had a couple of kids and, you know, it was everything I wanted.

We were all, like, sorted.

I had Camera, which is my stepdaughter, and all that.

And every.

Everything was rosy.

I thought it was perfect.

It wasn't.

It was far from it.

But, you know, typical man kind of ignorance.

But she'd ripped away all that dream future, the next 50 years of

happiness and bliss, of living together in a relationship, all those

other things that was all ripped away.

But it wasn't at all because we didn't know that life was ahead.

But I thought it was, and that's why I was so angry.

And it took me a long time to realize it wasn't her that I grieved.

It was the life I grieved, the freedom, the joys, all those other

things.

So when I learned to forgive what it does, it gave me a freedom.

It gave me the ability to realign and live the life I wanted

to live.

And I live a much better life now, you know.

Is it always rosy?

Far from it.

You know, I'm really struggling, as earlier in the podcast,

you know, balancing out to the moment.

I'm tired.

I went to a little show today, Tech Girls, and I had to leave early

because I was tired.

I had a really long night last night.

I couldn't sleep and I find it hard to keep stuff in my head.

So it's not the fact that I've got a wonderful, brilliant life now

that I've forgiven those and years ago, and it's all rosy.

It's not like that, but it gives me the freedom to live.

Did I ever tell them I've forgiven them?

No, not at all.

Until that day with the text.

But it wasn't about them.

It's Got nothing to do with them.

And I think we do need to go for the green principle.

We've got to be angry, we've got to ask those questions, but don't

really ask the question.

Just do it in your head.

And if you do really ask the questions, just bear in mind you're

probably not going to get the truth.

They'll tell you what you want to hear, and that'll just lead to

more questions that will lead to more cycles.

So I don't know if this helps at all, but I have recorded a guided

meditation to help with forgiveness and just been raw.

It's really, really difficult.

And I think there's a very famous saying where the Buddha says

about.

Or the Dalai Lama or someone says about not forgiving someone

is like you pouring up the poison, expecting them to drink it,

but we drink it ourselves or something.

And it's so true.

That is.

That is so.

We're the ones suffering.

They're doing what they do, they're getting on with life, or

if they're not, or they.

It's none of your business.

And then when you truly do forgive and you have your life back,

you want them to have a good life because you don't want them

back.

Does that make sense?

But it is really difficult.

And I know I'm mainly focused on relationships, like I say, because

that's my perspective, but that's what a few of the emails I've

got recently about forgiveness.

It's just, how do they forgive someone that cheated on them or just

left them or.

Yeah, it's really hard to break up.

It's really.

And the other thing I will say is about emotions.

The more you deeply feel things, the more you learn to love

deeply with your whole heart, the more it'll break open.

Let me say it again.

The deeper you love and the more you feel emotions, the more

it'll break open.

And breaking open the heart is a good thing because that allows

more love.

It allows more empathy and caring and above all, more compassion.

And that allows more healing.

That allows more love for the world.

It allows you to love in.

It's easy to close the heart up and say, nope, that's it, I'm

done.

Do it for a bit, but don't stay there.

Do it for a bit, but then stay there.

So I do partly apologize that the podcasts haven't been coming

every week.

And all that is just, you know, I'm quite tired at the moment,

and as many of you know, I am paralyzed.

I am severely disabled.

I've got all of that to go with it as well.

My spasms have been relentless and I'm juggling what I thought would

be a part time job at Cornwall Council with doing nearly full time

hours with all the emails and everything.

So I'm getting used to it.

It's been two months in and I'm settling in and I want to mix

the time between what I do with you guys and the podcast and

the newsletter and all that, the weekly calm and things, I want

to get that back up and running.

And what can I say?

Do you know what?

Thank you for sticking with me.

Thank you to my monthly subscribers.

Do you know what?

Without you, I couldn't even keep hosting this podcast.

Do you know what?

You mean the world to me.

I really do mean that.

Thank you so much.

So I'm going to leave you with a practice for forgiveness and this

is just a few things that you can say.

So just sit quietly and bring to mind someone that caused pain

and name what they did silently.

Don't go downstory, just name it as an object and feel the pain.

If it arises, let it be there.

And remember, it's like Alan Watts says, that you cannot get wet

from the word water.

You know, if you fell in the water once, you get wet, but if you're

telling someone the story about the water, you won't get wet.

You might experience it, but it's not the same.

So when you're feeling the pain now, you're not getting wet.

That makes sense in the analogy of Alan Watts.

So feel it and let it arise.

Let it be there.

You're just experiencing it again.

Deliberately bring it and say inwardly, I remember the harm that

was done.

I remember the harm that was done.

I may not be ready to forgive, but I am willing to try.

May I find peace in my heart.

May I be free from the pain that caused you to hurt me.

And I release myself from the burden of this hurt.

And you don't have to rush it, you don't have to daily think about

it.

And the whole idea of it is the subconscious mind will keep bringing

up everything about it while you give it weight.

And next time it brings it up, just smile and go, yeah, thank you.

But I forgave him for that.

I forgave her for that.

And then the subconscious mind go, oh, okay, all right, fine.

Fine with me.

Then let's think about something else.

Then two minutes later I go, but have you.

And you'll bring it up again.

Because your subconscious mind is like a cheeky chimp.

It tries to test you so they'll bring it up again.

You go, yeah, still forgiving it for that.

Not bothered.

All right, okay, I'll test you in 20 minutes and that's what it'll

do until eventually it'll give up testing you because it'll get

bored and then suddenly six months has gone by and you go, do

you know what?

I'm not bothered by them anymore.

Not bothered by them in the slightest.

And then you have true freedom.

It's got nothing to do with them.

So I'm Stephen Webb and I'm so grateful to all of you, so grateful

to you listening whether you're new or whether you're a seasoned

stillness in the storms listener.

Just thank you and I love you and take care and have a wonderful

day.

And just as a reminder, you can support this podcast just by

going to stephenweb.uk with a V. You're awesome.

Take care.

Bye.

Forgiveness Begins When the Heart Breaks Open

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Forgiveness Begins When the Heart Breaks Open

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.