Overthinking Is Not Your Fault (But Here's How to Stop)

Q: Is it wrong to think positive?

It does not work as an instruction, which is different. I used to say it to a partner who was struggling, and I was wrong. You cannot swap a thought once it has arrived, any more than you can change the flavour of an ice cream a child is already holding.

Q: Are you a good meditator?

No, and I say so most weeks. My mind goes everywhere and I am mostly entertained by it. What meditation gave me was not silence. It was the discovery that I am not the thoughts.

Q: What is doing the noticing, then?

I have no idea, and I do not think you can find out. The thought is the object. The thing seeing it is the subject. You cannot make it into the object and go and look at it.

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overthinking · anxiety · mindfulness

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Foreign.

So welcome to stillness in the Storms.

I'm Stephen Webb, your host, and today's episode is really, really

simple.

Not easy, but simple.

You are not.

Your thoughts, you know, that voice in your head, that running

commentary, it's not you.

It never, never was.

And that's what we're going to talk about on today's podcast.

And also we're going to dig deeper into how do we stop that constant

overthinking, you know, when we get stuck on that same thought

or so we think it's the same thought as all coming up on today's

episode.

So just before we start, I just want to say a huge shout out

to Joan and Jenna.

Mia, you've supported the podcast Treating Me to a Coffee.

And Joan, you win the award this month, you treat me to 30 coffees.

Just thank you.

And it makes a big difference because that's what keeps this podcast

with no adverts.

And there's also the monthly subscribers like Audra and John and

many others.

Thank you so much.

And I'm going to list your names in future episodes because

without you, this podcast would have to have adverts or it

would not exist.

And I don't want to put adverts and I want to continue to

do it because it really does help so many people.

And you can treat me to a coffee.

Just go to stephenweb.uk and there'll be a link there where you

can just donate and treat me to a coffee.

Doesn't matter how many, you don't have to beat Joan.

30 coffees.

That was awesome.

Anyway, right, let's get on with today's show.

So have you ever wondered really about your thoughts?

Ever sat back and really thought about, well, where did they

come from?

Are they me?

Why are they just coming around again and again?

Well, if you do that, you'll notice how they just pop up.

They just seem to show up for no real reason.

You might get in the car and a thought will pop into your mind because

that's what it's used to doing.

So we've all know about the subconscious mind.

If you've been listening to my podcast more than, like, I don't

know, one or two episodes, you know, the subconscious mind.

You know how this works.

We have our thoughts popping into our head and we have our feelings

arise and we're triggered by things in the outside world constantly.

Like if you look around the room now and just look at items,

but don't pause on them for any longer than about half a second,

nothing happens.

But if you pause on them for more than a second or so, and then

a story starts to occur, whether it's looking at a window

or a photograph on the side.

You look at a photograph for 0.3 of a second, you go, oh, photo.

But you look at it for a minute and it says, ah, it's a photo

of my nan and I miss her, or something like that.

And this is what happens.

Life and things happening just triggers thoughts, it triggers feelings.

And that's what the subconscious mind is there to do.

That's what the mind is there to do.

Whether it's the subconscious or your conscious mind, it really

doesn't matter at this point.

It's just there, evolved to think, to protect you.

Just the same as animals, just the same as any other living species

with a mind.

It's thinking, it's sorting stuff out, is trying to navigate

the world, is trying to work out what's coming next.

How do I protect?

What do I have?

What tools I got, what food can I have?

How do I survive?

And that's the be all and end all of it.

It's nothing really, that magic.

And I think this is where the spiritual journey gets a little bit

confusing, because sometimes you may want the spiritual journey

that you want something amazing and bigger and beyond.

Like, there's something bigger than this.

Well, just think about it for a minute.

We talk about thoughts.

Just think about it for a minute.

You are a human.

You've evolved for millions of years, and you're sat here now listening

to a podcast, understanding my words.

And you have thoughts and you have feelings and you have autonomy

over your life to some degree.

You know, you chose what to put on your clothes today.

You're experiencing this life and you have this body that you can

experience joys, desires, you can experience real orgasms and everything

right through to really amazing stuff.

And you can experience real lows right down to, like, sorrow

and grief and pain.

And you experience love five minutes later.

Isn't that amazing?

Isn't that just the most incredible thing?

And then the spiritual journey comes in when we get to a certain

age where you go, maybe I want a little more than this.

Maybe I want more to my life.

There must be more to the daily routine.

And then you might start meditating or you might start reading

books.

And some people come at it from the Secret and things like that.

And I came to the spiritual journey really through suffering.

I was 40 years old.

I found myself single.

I had no money.

I had no money left on the credit cards whatsoever.

Nearly all my money that was coming in.

I was on benefits, and my chair had broke.

And I ended up crying my eyes out in a doorway of a really popular

shop.

And the security guy came over and just squeezed my shoulder.

Poor guy.

I bet he thought, what do I do with this one?

And he just squeezed the shoulder and said, it'll be all right.

I got my friend to come and get me.

And over the coming weeks, just.

Life was hell for me because my brain was relentless, because

I found myself just single.

Everything that I was thinking was all the worst things, you know,

what were they doing?

What were they up to?

Things like that.

I'm gonna go absolutely bankrupt.

I'm gonna lose everything.

My health is gonna go downhill.

And my brain would just constantly give me these thoughts.

But I thought, that was me.

This is me.

I'm gonna have all those things.

This is what's gonna happen to me.

Because I was thinking it.

And it wasn't until I started drinking most nights.

And when you have to ask a carer, bearing in mind I wasn't someone

that drunk at all.

And when you're asking the carer, can you pull me up a Southern

Comfort?

And then after a few days, can you pull me up 2?

Can you pull me up one more?

Just before I go to sleep, they do hold that mirror up to you,

which is a wonderful thing.

It's a nightmare of being paralyzed, having to have carers.

But at least I can't go to the fridge and fill myself with cheese

every day, because the fridge is a bit high for me.

And I wouldn't be able to open and close the door, let alone get

the cheese out.

So I couldn't get the alcohol out myself.

So at least I had that mirror to show me, hey, this is what you're

doing.

But of course, they would do it for me when I would ask and all

that.

And after a while, that wasn't working.

I'd go sleep for about an hour and a half, and I would wake up,

and it was just.

The thoughts just would not stop, no matter what.

Two or three weeks of that, that I ended up reading a book because

I really struggled to read with my dyslexia.

If I read a paragraph, I would not know what I just.

And I really need to read it about 10 times.

And that's why I do read books now.

I love books now.

But my.

It's really difficult.

Takes me sometimes two hours to read a single page.

And what I do now in my job, I get so many emails.

I literally have to read each email, like 10 times just to know

what it's actually saying.

I'm okay if someone reads it to me, which is great with a computer

now, but I'm going off topic now.

So my thoughts were relentless.

And I read a book as a man thinketh.

And I'm sure some of you have heard this story before, but in that

book, it said you are not your thoughts.

You have thoughts, but you're not your thoughts, or something like

that.

And I was like, really?

I'm not?

No, I am.

My thoughts, they're in my head.

They're me.

And I thought about it over the coming weeks.

And then I started to look into Zen and Buddhism and meditation.

Because the more books you read, if.

If one book says the answer to your anxiety and problems is meditation,

and you go, oh, yeah, maybe I've heard that one before.

And then the next book says the same thing, and next book says

the same thing.

At some point you gotta go, maybe there's something in this.

So I ended up trying to sit down, do meditation and things like

that.

I was.

I found that I was a terrible meditator and still am, but I still

sit and I do it.

My brain goes everywhere.

I sit down and I'm entertained by my thoughts.

But what I really did learn through meditation, and this is what

the main.

One of the main advantages and the great things about meditation

is that you discover you are not your thoughts.

You have thoughts, but you're not the thoughts.

So the first thing you may notice is if you are the thoughts,

how can you be aware of the thoughts?

Just the same as you're aware of the thoughts, you're aware of

your breathing.

Well, you're not your breathing.

Your body's doing the breathing and you're aware of the

breathing.

You're not your body.

You're aware that you're a body, and you cannot be something

and be aware of it.

So there's something deeper beyond the thoughts, and it's this

awareness.

Don't ask me what that is, because I don't know, but I know

I'm not my thoughts.

And the true answer to is, do you know what awareness is?

Do you know what it is at that level?

No.

That's the answer you will never know, because you can never

make that the subject an object, if that makes sense.

So your thoughts are the object.

The subject is seeing the thoughts.

You cannot be both.

So coming back to, are you your thoughts?

And how this will help with anxiety and overwhelm and overthinking

is when you truly grasp the fact that you can observe the thoughts

coming up, you can smile at them, you can be entertained by them.

And you don't have to take any notice of them.

You don't have to do anything with them.

Just the same as sitting in a train station and you're waiting

for your, I don't know, 9 o' clock train to London if you live

in the UK and the 8:50 to Bristol turns up.

So you decide, that's the Bristol train, I'm not going to get

on that.

And you don't spend all day thinking about the Bristol train,

do you?

You don't spend all day rethinking about it.

You wait till the train that you want to get on and you get on

it.

Well, that's the same as the thoughts.

Choose which ones you're going to get on.

Choose which ones you want.

So become the observer.

And the easiest way of doing this is as many times as possible

during the day.

Just sit and become aware of your breath and wait for the thoughts.

First thing that'll happen is you won't have any.

So we can do that now.

This is like magic.

This is like amazing.

If you've got relentless thoughts, you can do this.

So just make yourself comfortable, shake your arms out

now and just go, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pay close attention

to all my thoughts.

And I am ready now go.

Give me all my thoughts.

And just like that, there was none.

Okay.

After about four seconds, they start creeping in, they start coming

up.

But what you can do is not necessarily do that, but if you become

aware of your breath, I'm breathing in, I'm breathing out.

And then you become aware of your thoughts and you see your thoughts,

you become aware of them.

And by doing that, the more, the more control it gives you over.

I don't have to do anything with it.

Just like someone giving you a to do list that's not yours, doesn't

bother you.

It's like, that's not my to do list.

Or someone writes out 10 things and you only have to choose

three.

You'll only think about the three you need to do.

You'll ignore the other seven unless they're ones you want to do.

My brain says, but this is the thing now, very much now, I'm entertained

by my mind.

I'm sat there just the same as you've sat in a cafe before and you've

people watched, I'm sure you have.

And you've just observed them, what they're doing.

You guess what job they're doing, you guess Whether they're

having a positive conversation or something and you make up a whole

story about them and then you leave it go.

Well, you can do that from the distance of your thoughts.

You don't have to go with them, you don't have to entertain

them and something magic happens.

And I heard this a lot.

Or just think positive, just be happy and think positive.

Well, that doesn't work.

And I used to preach that a long time.

I had a partner that I used to say constantly because I was a fairly

happy, go, lucky person until things started to go terribly wrong.

I was either one or the other.

I was like, nah, everything's fine, or no, everything's really

bad and it's the end of everything and I'm depressed, I'm

fed up.

And I've, you know, so I used to say to her when she was really

struggling, just think positive.

But I realize now that you cannot change your negative thoughts

into positive thoughts.

It's impossible.

A thought is a thought whether or not it's a positive thought, negative

thought, a desire, a problem solving thought, a judgment.

It doesn't matter what the thought is, you cannot change it

into another thought.

You know, I often say that it's like giving a kid an ice cream

and the kid's not happy with that flavor ice cream.

You cannot just change the ice cream.

You have to get another one by changing it.

But you cannot just magically go poof.

It's a different flavor.

Or the colored T shirt or whatever it is when they open it

up at 2 years old and go, that's not the one I wanted.

Well, you have to wait till the shops open or something.

So I'm going off track now.

But you cannot change the thought once it arises.

So the idea is what you do.

How do you change negative thoughts in the positive?

First of all, you cannot.

Secondly, you can change the trajectory of your thoughts by choosing

which ones to get on.

So your subconscious mind is your friend, it's not your enemy,

it's not your thing.

So it has a negative bias.

Because I use this example so many times.

I love it.

And the fact I can use AI now to create the image of two bears.

One running towards you with donuts and one running towards you.

A machete.

Which one should you focus on?

Well, you should focus on the one with the machete simply because

you're not going to get the donuts if you don't.

So you have a negative bias.

If we didn't have a negative bias, most of us wouldn't survive

childhood, let alone Survive millions of years of evolution.

Every living animal, every living thing has a negative bias

to look out for what is going to harm them.

It's why we judge.

If you're walking down the street, you'll judge people based

on, are they going to harm me, am I safe?

All of those things.

It's the same reason why if you fall over, when you walk into

a restaurant, the first thing is that, no, no, I'm okay.

Your leg's hanging off.

You know, you're bleeding to death.

You just smashed your head on the floor.

It's like, no, no, I'm fine.

Don't worry about me.

Everything's fine.

Nothing to see here.

But why do we do that?

Because we want everybody in the room to know that we're okay,

that we're not a threat to them.

And it's because people will see you in a negative light instantly

through something as innocent as falling over.

Then once you've convinced everybody you're okay, it's like,

wait a minute, I need an ambulance.

So a negative bias is normal.

It's right.

You should have one.

So going back to, how do we change the trajectory of our thoughts

then?

If you choose to get on the thoughts that you enjoy, the thoughts

that you want, the thoughts that help you to become more productive,

your subconscious mind will give you more of them.

And it's that simple.

Your subconscious mind wants to please you.

Remember when you fell in love with a certain dress or a color car

or a person?

You didn't have to convince your subconscious mind to literally

give you that thought constantly, every day.

Always remember falling in love as a teenager or maybe a bit

older or something like that.

You didn't have to go many seconds in the morning when you woke

up for that person to come into your mind.

So that's the point, because you got on that thought and you went

with it.

Your subconscious mind's like, right, that created an emotion.

I would go with that one.

And the more emotion it creates, the more the subconscious

mind will bring it up.

And this fits with the fits with the negative bias, simply because

if you have a negative bias like that fear of the bear with a

machete, it'll give you a real fear.

Well, along with that thought and the real fear, it's like, okay,

I've nailed it.

But if you see someone you find really attractive or something

that you really, really desire and want, that desire and want is

a real strong emotion.

And the subconscious mind will go, nailed it.

Put in more of these.

So that's what it'll do.

So the more you get on the thoughts that you want, the more

emotions those thoughts generate, the more you will have

of those thoughts.

So, and here's the main thing, this is if you take nothing away

from this podcast, apart from this one thing, is when you have

a thought, because you are aware of the thought, you don't have

to do anything with it.

There you go.

Just take that.

You don't have to do anything with the thought you have.

Plus, it's not your thought.

Most of your thoughts are from your parents or your grandparents

or aunties, uncles, teachers, the books that you've read, everything,

your influencers TikTok.

You notice that, that you end up.

Have you noticed when you've binge watched a TV program and then

you got that running commentary in your head that literally

sounds like one of the characters because you've watched

400 episodes in like three days?

Yeah, I had it with House.

When I watched House, I can't remember his name.

Character that played House.

Yeah, I can remember.

I was literally talking like him in my head.

I love that series.

It's so brilliant.

Miss it.

It was a good ending as well.

And talking about endings.

That's my podcast for this week and I have recorded a meditation

to go with this podcast about overthinking and just breaking that

cycle of overthought and just becoming aware of your thoughts to

help you out a little bit.

So I'm Stephen Webb.

Thank you so much to all the donators.

Thank you.

It really does make a difference.

It keeps the podcast free.

It means you don't have to listen to loads of adverts and a

review would be amazing.

If there's somewhere I can improve or somewhere I can make things

better or somewhere both.

If there's some way I can make this better, or if you've got a good

review from me, please do so.

But bookmark this podcast and.

Yeah, and where do you find the Inner Peace Meditations podcast?

Just look up Inner Peace Meditations podcast or go to StephenWeb

UK.

You're awesome.

Thank you.

And I love you.

Overthinking Is Not Your Fault (But Here's How to Stop)

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Overthinking Is Not Your Fault (But Here's How to Stop)

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.