Episode 77
Becoming Whole - My Favourite Subject and Turning 50
No sponsors but you can treat me to a coffee at stevenwebb.uk
Transcript
So I turned 50 years old this week.
Speaker:That's something I thought I would never see.
Speaker:And whenever birthday come up, I'm always very much celebrating.
Speaker:I've never been one of those ones that things.
Speaker:Oh, no. I'm 40 or I know I'm 30.
Speaker:I'm like, Yes, I made it to 50 years old and being paralysed
Speaker:since 18 years old, you know, I was lying in that hospital bed.
Speaker:I thought, you know what, if I, in five, ten years
Speaker:in paralysed, sitting down my body
Speaker:the way it ended up, I thought I would never I thought I'd be good for ten years.
Speaker:I'd be pretty good with that.
Speaker:But no, here I am, 50 years old, 31 years in a wheelchair.
Speaker:I think that's going pretty damn well.
Speaker:So, yeah.
Speaker:Thank you, Body. Thank you, life. Thank you.
Speaker:What's gratitude?
Speaker:Every cell in my body that, you know just works tirelessly to keep me here and keep me alive.
Speaker:And with this wonderful experience of life.
Speaker:And I thought with a wonderful irony in a twist, I spent the evening
Speaker:up at the
Speaker:crematorium on a carol singing evening, the lovely evening.
Speaker:It was a wonderful reminder of the people we lost.
Speaker:Wonderful reminder of Jesus been born and the life cycle.
Speaker:I was just thinking.
Speaker:We often look at 50 years old, just halfway through, or
Speaker:if it is halfway through and I've got another 50 years left.
Speaker:But in a way, I don't think that's.
Speaker:But yeah, 50 years old of the crematorium.
Speaker:What a time for reflection.
Speaker:And I did.
Speaker:Many people have said goodbye to their
Speaker:leader, my friend.
Speaker:A you know, in the thirties.
Speaker:And I say goodbye to many other people.
Speaker:Mrs. No's,
Speaker:so many other funerals.
Speaker:I've been there and Mrs. No's funeral.
Speaker:I was really saddened actually, because there was not very many people there.
Speaker:I said to the vicar at the time and they were really sad that not many people came to a funeral.
Speaker:Annie Guest is not sad.
Speaker:I mean, she outlived many of her friends.
Speaker:I look today completely different.
Speaker:I thought, Wow. Yes.
Speaker:And I thought about whenever you see these huge funerals,
Speaker:we have literally hundreds and sometimes thousands of people.
Speaker:It means that they died too early.
Speaker:Maybe they're not
Speaker:the universe.
Speaker:What the universe does is way above my pay grade.
Speaker:But yeah, I just it was a wonderful reflection on my legacy.
Speaker:So I thought, that's my next podcast.
Speaker:I want to talk about our legacy of what we do and and,
Speaker:you know, we all want to leave a legacy of some kind, but I'm not going to go into detail with that.
Speaker:I want to talk about coming home.
Speaker:I said to a friend emailed me and told me about this,
Speaker:and she said about in single and becoming whole.
Speaker:And I just thought, Let's do a podcast about it.
Speaker:This is my favourite and I love it whenever I come alive, whenever I'm talking about
Speaker:becoming integral, becoming whole, becoming the best possible human.
Speaker:What does it mean? Was like, how can we do it?
Speaker:Does it improve our relationships, all those things.
Speaker:So we're going to cover those topics on today's podcast.
Speaker:And today's podcast is about becoming all.
Speaker:So I'm Stephen Webb.
Speaker:This is Stillness in the Storms, a podcast that helps you to get through the most difficult times in life,
Speaker:a podcast that helps you to expand your mind and expand the way you live
Speaker:and really become more whole.
Speaker:Enjoy life more.
Speaker:You improve your relationships, improve is the way you live
Speaker:and just get more joy out of it.
Speaker:And I really want to cover
Speaker:the subject of what does it mean to become whole?
Speaker:So why is it important?
Speaker:Let's cover that to begin with
Speaker:and why is it important?
Speaker:Well, it will improve every aspect of your life
Speaker:more you integrate
Speaker:being human and the experience here of being human,
Speaker:The more you start to love life and enjoy life, the more gratitude you'll have for every moment.
Speaker:It won't always be great.
Speaker:You won't get to that place of peace, joy and enlightenment and be happy ever after.
Speaker:You will end up having more sad and lonely times as well.
Speaker:You'll also have better, happier joy, peace, enlightenment, times as well.
Speaker:And so by integrating both, you'll become less of a victim.
Speaker:You'll you'll recognise your feelings more often.
Speaker:You'll take notice of them.
Speaker:And what does it mean by becoming?
Speaker:How will?
Speaker:For many, many years I suffered from shame and I never knew I did.
Speaker:Not me. I'm glad Chip on my shoulder.
Speaker:I'm not one of these people that suffers from shame and things like that.
Speaker:I'm doing really well in life. I'm always happy
Speaker:that I didn't ask people to
Speaker:help.
Speaker:If someone offered me help, I would say, No, I'm okay.
Speaker:I like
Speaker:and I never realised why.
Speaker:And then I was looking at trying to fundraise for a new electric wheelchair
Speaker:and one of my fellow councillors said to me, Why don't you just ask me why?
Speaker:I can ask people.
Speaker:When I ask people, I got to give them something.
Speaker:Is it now You do many things for people.
Speaker:Why don't you just ask them to fundraise?
Speaker:Ask them to donate towards a new electric wheelchair for you.
Speaker:You deserve it.
Speaker:I say no, you can do that.
Speaker:I've got to like, raise money for charity. I've got to do this.
Speaker:I'll do that.
Speaker:And I asked.
Speaker:And they gave.
Speaker:And three months later I bought a new electric route
Speaker:and it made me think about something.
Speaker:An act said to me one day and we were signing my daily bib.
Speaker:And I know I remember the discussion.
Speaker:She said something to me and it triggered me.
Speaker:She looked up and goes, There's a problem.
Speaker:See, you've got a problem with being disabled.
Speaker:You have like this chip on your shoulder.
Speaker:And she didn't say in that way.
Speaker:I cannot remember the exact sentence, she said,
Speaker:but I really pissed me off.
Speaker:And my normal reaction would be, You're wrong.
Speaker:That so?
Speaker:You have no idea.
Speaker:You don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker:And I would argue and I'd fight it, but I didn't.
Speaker:I sat there and thought,
Speaker:well, maybe if it affects me, maybe if it bothers me, maybe she's right.
Speaker:Maybe there's something there.
Speaker:Now, then I don't think she was being all right.
Speaker:However,
Speaker:she was right.
Speaker:I had this
Speaker:shame about my disability.
Speaker:I didn't feel like I earned my
Speaker:right to be disabled.
Speaker:Zaha, here I am, severely paralysed when I see other people that are disabled.
Speaker:I'm like, Wow, you do so well in life
Speaker:that I had this deep shame about.
Speaker:I was the one that broke my neck and I was a dumb ass that did it.
Speaker:So I had a real shame about that,
Speaker:asking people for my help.
Speaker:It's like, Well, how can I ask someone for my help When I was the one that went and died in the pool?
Speaker:I was a dumbass that night.
Speaker:So when anybody says to me, You're an inspiration, Stephen, you're doing so well
Speaker:and you're doing so amazing, I just.
Speaker:I didn't believe them.
Speaker:I thought, No, no, I'm the that Martha dived into a pool I created by accident.
Speaker:I don't deserve all this help.
Speaker:I don't deserve all these things and all these great things
Speaker:that people do and help me wave and fund for me and things like that.
Speaker:I feel that I've
Speaker:got to pay my way and pay it all back
Speaker:because I don't deserve it.
Speaker:And there it was.
Speaker:That was my shame, holding me back for 30 years,
Speaker:29 years maybe.
Speaker:I can't remember quite when this was.
Speaker:And suddenly I felt free.
Speaker:Suddenly I could see it.
Speaker:Do I still feel shame?
Speaker:Yes, that voice still comes up.
Speaker:But I've integrated as part of my life now.
Speaker:I still feel shame about the actions that I did that night.
Speaker:I was a massive dived into the pool.
Speaker:But because I integrate that and that feeling,
Speaker:I now have the ability to go know what?
Speaker:It's not that they're complimenting me on
Speaker:when they say you're an inspiration, it's because the other things I do since then, that's what I've done with it.
Speaker:So I integrate that.
Speaker:So becoming whole is about not denying the bit you don't like or the bits that affect your body.
Speaker:You. It's not trying to disprove people that trigger you and bother you.
Speaker:It's about, Oh, there's something there that's integrated
Speaker:as it is of my life.
Speaker:And I do have a shame about my accident where I did it.
Speaker:And that's okay to have that.
Speaker:But it no longer controls me.
Speaker:It no longer affects me in my daily things.
Speaker:So when someone offers to help me, my original trigger used to be no know.
Speaker:I walk away now
Speaker:say No, I'm fine, I don't need it now.
Speaker:My initial reaction is, Oh, okay, help me.
Speaker:And yeah, so when someone pays me a compliment, now I take and I,
Speaker:I am grateful for it.
Speaker:So when I say about coming home,
Speaker:integrate the things we don't like as well,
Speaker:is there the things that are holding you back more and invest in other things you fear going
Speaker:Someone says something that pisses you off.
Speaker:Go there,
Speaker:sit down peacefully. Don't argue.
Speaker:I'm not saying argue back and say the wrong end of it.
Speaker:I'm saying sit in silence later that day and go,
Speaker:Maybe they're right, maybe they're right.
Speaker:And with that,
Speaker:with that attitude of openness,
Speaker:we listen to more voices within.
Speaker:And the more voices we listen with then,
Speaker:you know, those quiet ones that are screaming out that we're trying to deny
Speaker:and those loud ones that we hear all the time,
Speaker:that we tend to focus on way, way too much.
Speaker:You integrate them more and you kind of level in the amount.
Speaker:There's no denying the ones we don't want.
Speaker:We enhance them a little more.
Speaker:And instead of giving all the attention to the ones that
Speaker:we enjoy, we lessen them a little.
Speaker:That doesn't mean to say we don't enjoy them,
Speaker:but where does this really help us?
Speaker:And I tell you one place this really helps us becoming all
Speaker:is relationship.
Speaker:I've been single.
Speaker:I'm been in a relationship
Speaker:now. Then this is one of my
Speaker:this is where my favourite subject really comes alive and is
Speaker:we're not attracted to opposites.
Speaker:No, we have this old thought that opposites attract
Speaker:and it feels like it and it looks like it, but bear with me a minute.
Speaker:Let just just open your mind for a moment and consider this.
Speaker:It looks like it from the outside.
Speaker:When you look at a couple see you look at that band member that's on stage singing
Speaker:and they tend to date someone that's quite quiet on
Speaker:the front row and once that
Speaker:quite quiet on the front row.
Speaker:And so you've got the extrovert on stage
Speaker:dating the introvert in the front way,
Speaker:and it looks like they're completely opposite
Speaker:and they are to the person looking from the outside.
Speaker:But really that one on stage wants to enhance that quiet voice inside of them.
Speaker:And the one in the front wants more of that louder voice.
Speaker:They want to become that.
Speaker:So what we do is we end up dating somebody that looks opposite to us.
Speaker:Narcissist.
Speaker:They really quiet person
Speaker:with the quiet voice that isn't controlling,
Speaker:that isn't able to take control of situations and make decisions,
Speaker:seem to be attracted to the person that makes decisions and take control and vice versa.
Speaker:And it's because a person wants to have more control.
Speaker:Make decision
Speaker:instead of them enhancing it
Speaker:and growing that muscle in themselves.
Speaker:They somebody
Speaker:that does it for them
Speaker:and vice versa.
Speaker:That narcissist that and I'm saying narcissist,
Speaker:we're all narcissists in some respect.
Speaker:I'm not talking about a psychopathic narcissist.
Speaker:I'm not talking about the word I.
Speaker:I'm talking about the teenage
Speaker:kind of narcissist is all about me, that kind of person.
Speaker:And we can all be there sometimes.
Speaker:We you know, we all we all should embrace that
Speaker:healthy, narcissistic
Speaker:empowerment voice within us, but not the unhealthy one.
Speaker:That's not that's not makes those two.
Speaker:And if you'd like me to do a podcast on that
Speaker:healthy and unhealthy narcissistic control, things like that, I'm more than happy to do.
Speaker:So let me now email me.
Speaker:Let's go to Stephen Webb, UK, and you could message me more than happy to do that.
Speaker:It's a really interesting subject, but going back to
Speaker:so the person that
Speaker:makes all the decisions
Speaker:want somebody to that
Speaker:they don't want to make a decision all the time.
Speaker:They feel they have to, so therefore they take someone.
Speaker:They cannot make decisions, whereas really they want the opposite.
Speaker:They want somebody else to do the opposite to them
Speaker:is because they want to embrace.
Speaker:They feel like becoming whole.
Speaker:They have to have somebody else to replace what they are.
Speaker:And that's where it comes down to combat muddled up.
Speaker:Now, my thinking, but if you think about you as a person,
Speaker:as you're developing, if you've got a quiet voice,
Speaker:then you tend to date narcissist or things like that.
Speaker:Is it really that you are attracted to them
Speaker:or is it that you really want to have a little more control in your life
Speaker:and you want to have that voice and you want to start making decisions for yourself?
Speaker:You fear doing it sometimes.
Speaker:So instead of embracing that fear and becoming whole
Speaker:and and integrate in that voice,
Speaker:you tend to date somebody.
Speaker:It it for you.
Speaker:And that's why in our twenties, authorities, when we split up in a relationship, it feels like half was ripped apart
Speaker:because the person we're dating
Speaker:completes us.
Speaker:Yeah, that lands like a wow
Speaker:indeed for me.
Speaker:So in my forties, I started integrating all those voices and I'm still working on it.
Speaker:There's no way to get too afraid when you get when you think you got there, you go in as an old,
Speaker:as an old ancient Zen saying,
Speaker:when you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing because there's always somebody to go.
Speaker:There's no enlightenment at the top of the mountain, but becoming
Speaker:whole, you integrate every part of your life,
Speaker:you know, right from the grief, the shame to the peace and the joy and the love, the desires.
Speaker:You don't deny any of these feelings you enjoy and embrace all of them.
Speaker:It'll come and go like the poem by Rumi.
Speaker:You know, it's like these emotions will come and go and they're in your house
Speaker:and they'll do all these things, embrace them all as if they're a gift from the gods.
Speaker:And it's a gift.
Speaker:They've been human.
Speaker:You imagine getting to the end of your life,
Speaker:and we've relied on
Speaker:everybody else to complete many things that we are not.
Speaker:And you get to the new life and someone says, You know that your favourite band,
Speaker:they had another channel you never heard
Speaker:or you know, I used things like that and there was extra clothes
Speaker:or there was all these other modes in your car that you never switched on, you never knew about them.
Speaker:Well, that's what it's like. We deny all those extra modes.
Speaker:We deny all these our feelings because about uncomfortable.
Speaker:But when you embrace slight uncomfortable,
Speaker:you don't only unlock that, you unlock the opposite.
Speaker:At the same time
Speaker:you when you embrace making decisions.
Speaker:If you find it difficult, you unlock the ability to take control of your life
Speaker:as well, rather than having someone control your life.
Speaker:This makes sense.
Speaker:So how do you do this?
Speaker:One of the things you can do is give to people
Speaker:that you admire and could be famous people.
Speaker:They could be this somebody from history or somebody your friends or anything like that.
Speaker:You could simply be admire and you can write this down.
Speaker:This is a really good exercise.
Speaker:Write this down and email me.
Speaker:But two people you admire and think of the traits that you admire about them.
Speaker:And for me it would be like Bill Clinton.
Speaker:And I love the way he talks, the way he embraces
Speaker:what seems to be the wisdom and the talks and the
Speaker:and the openness to be able to communicate really well despite politics.
Speaker:Put politics aside for a minute
Speaker:and Jordan Po, my teacher and
Speaker:Ocean and many other teachers I've had you know,
Speaker:that wholeness and ability to stay wise and calm
Speaker:when everything is going really wrong.
Speaker:Now I really admire them, but I'm learning to do that in my life.
Speaker:And then things are okay.
Speaker:Things are
Speaker:becoming more whole and you just integrate it.
Speaker:And then the more you integrate, the more skills you have, the more ability to be able to do these things.
Speaker:Suddenly there you are.
Speaker:Not worried about life? No.
Speaker:Worried about what comes up because you already have the skills you don't need.
Speaker:The other person, a different person,
Speaker:and you don't need your teacher, You don't need any of those things.
Speaker:You know, the perfect teachers don't.
Speaker:They don't say, right, I'm not going to teach you anything,
Speaker:but I'm going to hang out with you just in case you need that
Speaker:the perfect teacher teaches you use those skill
Speaker:and that's the point of becoming whole, is
Speaker:now become your teacher
Speaker:and your teacher.
Speaker:Well, integrate it in your life.
Speaker:Don't rely on somebody else.
Speaker:Don't rely on life. Don't rely on the government or anybody else.
Speaker:Integrate everything in your life.
Speaker:You know, listen to those voices.
Speaker:Invite the quiet ones to speak up.
Speaker:If you find decisions hard,
Speaker:not make in smaller decision, and then grow that muscle to do that,
Speaker:you know, by not becoming whole, what you do it
Speaker:is you asking someone else to go to the gym and do the running for you and you hang out with them
Speaker:in some weird way that we think will will get the benefit from Labour.
Speaker:So that's why I talk about when I talk about
Speaker:becoming whole, let me know if that helps.
Speaker:I'm going to go up to my parents right now
Speaker:because they've organised a and party for me for my fifth year
Speaker:and I'm worried about like sewing and aftercare and then what?
Speaker:They're waiting for me.
Speaker:So I love you guys.
Speaker:You guys have also become more whole. Integrate everything.
Speaker:Listen, there's choir voices.
Speaker:Stop looking for somebody else to do it for you.
Speaker:Stop looking for your teachers to hang out with you just in case you need them.
Speaker:You know, embrace all those voices within.
Speaker:Soften the louder voices
Speaker:within that you always go to embrace the good and bad times, make it all part of it.
Speaker:And if you didn't this in my last week's podcast,
Speaker:I talked about the stick, the boyfriend's stock shop in the state.
Speaker:It's not last week's podcast, and you know what I mean?
Speaker:That take care of an awesome week.
Speaker:Head over to Stephen Webb, UK if I help in any way cheaply to a coffee that would be awesome.
Speaker:Helps me with editing.
Speaker:It helps me with I am for the platform that my podcast goes out on
Speaker:and it helps me to build my email list
Speaker:so I can email you and let you know all those things cost a little bit of money.
Speaker:So if you head over to Stephen Webb Dot UK
Speaker:TV to a coffee, I don't really buy a coffee.
Speaker:Just helps me do these things, the editing and things like that.
Speaker:So really appreciate it.
Speaker:Otherwise look, just have an awesome week and I will see you next week.
