3 Things That Will Make You Happier In Difficult Times
Would your life really have been better if the bad thing had not happened? Three things that keep me steady, and the first is that the alternative might have been worse.
Would your life really have been better if the bad thing had not happened? Three things that keep me steady, and the first is that the alternative might have been worse.
People tell me I would have had a wonderful career and a family if I had not broken my neck. They cannot know that. That year I had been kicked out of sixth form, run away from home and taken an overdose. My trajectory was not brilliant. Second, negative thoughts are not bad thoughts. Round a campfire at night, the pessimist who says stop the music and listen is the one who saves you. Third, you cannot change this moment. Only the next one.
One thing to try: Next time you catch yourself on if only, finish the sentence honestly. You do not know the other version was better. Nobody does.
In this episode
(0:09) Saying goodbye to HMS Tamar, and being told off for calling it a boat
(2:42) The three things, and why these are the ones I live by
(4:04) The year of the overdose, and why the alternative was never safe
(5:03) The traffic jam that might have been saving you
(6:51) Negative thoughts are your mind doing its job properly
(7:56) The campfire, the bang in the dark, and who survives
(11:39) You cannot change this moment, only influence the next
(13:48) The one thing you are genuinely in control of
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
Would your life really have been better if the bad thing had not happened?
Three things that keep me steady, and the first one is the one I lean on hardest.
The heart of it
You cannot live the alternative, so you do not get to call it better.
Negative thoughts are not bad thoughts. They are the ones keeping you alive.
You cannot change this moment. Only the next one, and only a bit.
People tell me all the time that if I had not broken my neck I would have had a long career and a family. How do you know that?
Look at the state of me that year. I had been kicked out of sixth form, I had run away from home, and I had taken an overdose of paracetamol because a relationship ended and I was hurting and I wanted somebody to see it. And I drove a car far too fast on narrow roads.
My trajectory was not obviously headed somewhere lovely. I could have been hurt worse. I could have killed somebody else.
Same with the traffic jam. You are certain that without it you would be on time and everything would be fine. Or you would have been two miles further along at exactly the wrong second. You do not know. Nobody does.
Now the second one, which I keep coming back to. Picture a group round a fire in a forest at eleven at night. Guitar, marshmallows, everybody happy. Then an enormous bang somewhere out in the dark.
The optimist says never mind, play on. The pessimist says stop, be quiet, what was that. Everybody tells him he is spoiling it.
He is almost certainly wrong. There is almost certainly nothing there. He is also the only person at that fire who might save your life, and the reason our species is still here.
And the third. Once this moment has arrived it has arrived. No amount of meditating, wishing or avoiding touches it. All you get is a small amount of influence over the next one.
One small thing to try
Next time you catch yourself starting a sentence with if only, finish it honestly.
If only that had not happened, then what? You genuinely do not know that version was better, and there is no way to check. That is not a consolation prize. It is just true, and holding it lightly takes a surprising amount of weight out of the day.
Questions people ask
Is this saying my bad thing was secretly good?
No. It is saying you have no evidence either way, and you have been arguing one side of it for years. Dropping the certainty is the useful part.
Should I be around more positive people?
I would rather be around realists. People who are cheerful sometimes and cautious sometimes. Relentless positivity in the wrong moment is not a virtue, it is somebody carrying on singing while something moves in the dark.
If I control so little, what is left?
What you do with what turns up. That is genuinely it, and it is more than enough to be getting on with.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
resilience · happiness · overthinking
Read the transcript
Hey, welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this week I want to talk to
you about three things that helped me to stay quite positive and helped me to get through difficult times.
And I'll go on to that in a minute. I just want to say, I've had a most awesome week.
Okay, it's been crazy, crazy busy. But as some of you may know, I'm the Mayor of Truro. And I
went and said goodbye to the HMS Tamar yesterday and its crew.
And yeah, they're so young. 23 years old, the average age.
And the commander of the ship I called it a boat yesterday and
and the Lieutenant Commander leaned into me he goes Ship. Don't say boat. And so I apologize I apologize to
every Navy person out there that if I said a boat, it's not a boat, it's a ship. I know.
I'm sorry
um But yeah, how awesome was that? I met the crew and I was speaking to them. And you've got
these 20 year olds that are like piloting, driving this ship. You know, I was barely driving my car when
I wasn't driving my car. I'd already broke my neck by that time. But yeah, it's just amazing. How awesome
are they? And the chef. Oh my word the he I took down some Cornish saffron buns. A hundred of
them for the crew. And when I tried a bit of his cake, it was so soft and so amazing.
I was like, oh um not my saffron buns are not a patch on that. You know, he could probably
make them himself. And he had some saffron on board as well. Apparently it's the most expensive spice. But yeah,
just amazing day. Just meeting them and having a chat with them and telling me there And they're going away
for five years. But although the the ship's going away for five years, the crew only do 12 weeks on.
And then they take a few weeks off and they get flown back and all that. So it's amazing. So
yeah um I doubt whether any of them will listen to this. But you know have a have an amazing
voyage. They called it a holiday. I'm not quite sure it's a holiday, but they're going on holiday. So enjoy
it. Enjoy your mission. Enjoy whatever you're going to be doing over there
um And it was amazing to meet you. Amazing to meet you. That's the Hms Tamar. So if you see
it anywhere, it's twins with truot The town that I am mayor of currently. I was just loving having those
experiences. So yeah, let's get back to today's podcast. Today's podcast. Three things that will help you to stay positive
and happy even in difficult times. So I'm going to go through each one. And first of all, and there's
loads and loads and loads of different things. But these are just three things that I just, you know, I
think I live by most days. And that is number one. The alternative is not always better. And I I
bang on about this a lot. But this is probably the most important one. You know, lots of people come
to me and say, well, I imagine if you hadn't broke your neck, you'd have had a wonderful long career.
You'd have had a family. You'd have been really successful. And I'm like, how do you know that?
You know I at the time I was drinking quite a bit and I was just partying. I was young
I That year I'd just been kicked out of sixth form. I ran away from home. I'd done all these
different things. That year was terribly I took a drugs overdose because, well as say drugs over it was paracetamol,
like headache, pain killer. And I took it all because I ended up single and I didn't want to be
single and I was hurting and I wanted attention. And, you know, it was just a terrible, terrible year for
me. So the chances are my trajectory wasn't a wonderful life. You know, I was an idiot when I used
to drive the car. I used to drive too fast on the narrow road. So, you know, I could have
ended up even a worse injury or worse. I could have died or something in the car accident a week
later. Or even worse, I could have ended up killing somebody else. You know, I just don't simply know if
my life would have been better if I hadn't broken my neck. And it's the same as if you're in
a traffic jam. We often think, well, if I wasn't in this traffic jam, I would be on time and
everything would be brilliant. It'd be amazing. No. If you weren't in that traffic jam, you might have had an
accident just a couple of miles down the road. Perhaps that traffic jam saving you. Perhaps that red light is
saving you from an accident. The point is, you don't know um We don't always
think, we often think the alternative is better than our current situation. But we don't know. There
is no alternative. You cannot go and live the alternative. It's not possible. If it was possible, it's worth spending
some time on. But it's not possible. So that's one of the things that really does help me just not
looking at my life through rose tinted glasses in a way that, you know... If I wasn't paralysed, I would
have had amazing life. And think about your life. How many times have you been I wish it wasn't like
this? Well, careful what wish for. Because the alternative may not be better. You know,
when you're dished up a meal that isn't quite that nice. And the alternative might have been a meal that
made you poorly, perhaps. But the point stands is there's no alternative to what you've got by now This
is your life. This is your best life. You may not enjoy it. You may not like it. And we'll
return to this on number three. But just briefly, you
know, this is your life. This is your best one. Because it's the only one you can live. It's the
only one you can be. There is no life that I can live my experience not in a wheelchair paralysed
the way I am. That's just simple facts. But we often sit there dreaming, well if they hadn't left me
or if that person said yes to me or if I dated that person or if I hadn't done that.
We're looking at all these scenarios like as if the alternative was way better. If only I hadn't said that
to that person it would have worked out perfect. Perhaps not. Who knows? No one. That's the point. And
number two. Negative thoughts are not bad. Now, I've approached this a couple of times on my podcast,
and I think it's really important to remember thoughts are thoughts yeah That's all they are. So when you're
driving down a road and you suddenly see a steep incline over the over to the left, and we we're
driving on left here, so you might see it on your right, say um And you think of driving down
over there and what it would be like. That's not a negative thought. That's a thought that your mind is
having in order to analyse the situation and give you alternatives for you to be to make your judgement
up In other words, it's saying, be careful. But it has to imagine what it what would happen in order
to see whether the scenario is good or bad. And I think I've used this on a podcast before, not
that long ago actually um But you've got those negative people and you've got those positive people. And we often
think we need to be around positive people and rather than the rather than the polar opposite.
But realistically I would rather I'd rather be around people that are just realists, that
are positive sometimes, that are negative sometimes. And here's why. If I go into a jungle or a forest and
I'm with a group of friends, And it's 11 o'clock at night and I'm playing my music and playing the
guitar. I say that, I I can play guitar. My, you know, my hands are parallel. Anyway, back to what
you're talking about, Stevie um yeah so there I am sat in a forest with my friends and someone's playing
a guitar and the fire's going and we're all enjoying it and all that. There's lovely marshmallows over the open
fire. Cups of coffee or or alcohol or something. And a huge bang goes on in the background.
Then the the optimist the happy person says, don't worry about it. Sing sing on play the music on and
just enjoy it and Down another couple of drinks and all that and we carry on. The pessimist goes, shut
up everybody. Stop talking. What the hell was that? And
everyone's like, don't be a party pooper he said no seriously. We could die right this minute. You know, that
could be like a saber do tiger running around right now he's about to jump on you and kill you.
And everyone's like, no, don't worry about it. Well, the funny thing is, he's probably not right. There probably isn't
many saber-toothed tigers around anymore. However, he is the one that's going to save your life.
He is the only one there in the group that literally is going to give you a chance of life
if there is something bearing down on you. The optimist would end up being eaten. Going on the music.
So it's not about a negative thought. It's not about being negative or positive. It's about the mind is giving
you thoughts. And in giving you those thoughts is you choose whether it's positive or negative. Do I
go with it? Do I not go with it? And that's the main thing.
Very often we think that we have to go with every thought we have. We don't. So yes so negative
thoughts are not always a bad thing. And remember that when you when you end up feeling quite negative and
your mind is giving you these things um When you come across a negative person all that just just recognise
their negative thoughts are just trying to protect them where they are to at the moment.
So the the third one is you cannot change the present moment. We all know
this. We all know, you know, whatever you want to change, you have to change it over time. You know,
even if you want to just get change your clothes you cannot just boom, flick um or I don't know
flick your fingers. It changes. It doesn't work like that. You have to go and do it. And whether or
not, if it's raining or if the weather's bad, you cannot change it. You know, once something's happened, it's happened.
You cannot go back and redo it. There's no redos. It's not like computer games um Go back 30 seconds.
Have another try. Have another life. It's not like that. It's purely, once this moment is here, it's here. You
know, just like you listen to this podcast right now so hey listen to it. You cannot be it or
do anything different now. You can in the next moment, you can choose to do something. But in this moment,
you cannot. And when you we recognise that, we stop fighting the present moment. We stop being annoyed by it.
Like, I wish this present moment was something different. I wish my hair was less tangly. Or I wish I
look better I wish I was slimmer. Or I wish I wasn't stuck in this traffic jam. I wish. I
wish. So we're often thinking very similar to number one. That there's some kind of alternative to this moment. There
isn't. This moment is this moment and it's exactly as it is. And there's nothing you can do about it.
No amount of like closing your eyes and making funny noises. No amount of meditation. No amount of
avoiding it is going to change this present moment. Nothing can do that.
There's no time machine either. You cannot go back and change it. Before you say, what about time travel? No.
I
don't believe in time travel. Someone would have already come back here by now. No way we got to open
the door aren't we No, we haven't. I don't believe in it for a minute. Anyway, that's a different that's
a different podcast now Do you believe in time travel? Let me know in the comments that'd be That'd be
interesting. But yeah, they're my three things. I just want to let you know though, I know I babbled on
a little bit in this podcast, but you know me, I always do. So number one, the alternative is not
always better. You know that the other life for the other situation if you weren't stuck in traffic is not
always better. Negative thoughts aren't bad. Negative thoughts are just what they are they're They're there to protect you. They're
there to help you. And the reason why we've evolved so well is because we have a negative bias. Just
like the story in the forest. If we did not have that negative bias, we probably wouldn't have lasted this
long. And number three, you cannot change the present moment. There you go. Boom. You cannot change the
present moment. It's
not a matter whether you like it or not, accept it or enjoy it. You still can't change it. You
know, it's kind of funny. And it might be the most awful present moment you still cannot change it. All
you can do is influence the next moment by what you do from this present moment. That's all. That's the
only power you have. And then you don't even have a lot of influence there. You know, very little influence.
Let's face it. You can you cannot even choose where the weight's going to go on if you eat two
donuts. That's your own body.
Think about it. You're really not in control of anything much, are we? You know, we're not in control of
the thoughts that come up the present moment. We're not in control of um how things pan out most of
the time or how things are arising. We're only in control of what we do with them. And that's the
key aspect. I think that's the part that brings it all together. You're in control of what you do with
it. So, I'm Steven Webb. This is Stillness in the Storms, the podcast that I try to keep them under
20 minutes. They're nice little bite size. If you can leave a review, you'd be the most amazing person today.
That's the way you can make a biggest difference in my life today is leaving a review on your Apple
device or your Google or wherever you're listening to this podcast. You'll be doing me a massive, massive favour.
It
just ends up, it means this podcast will reach more people. That kind of need to hear this message. I
just want to say take care. Thank you and I love you. Have an awesome week and I will see
