How do you stop an argument before it starts? Agree the rule in advance. Twenty seconds, which is three breaths, and anybody can manage three breaths.
I know what it is like having somebody around most of the time. It is not easy for either of you. So we need understanding, because usually they did not know the thing we assumed they knew. And patience, because none of this is easy for anybody. At some point I am going to shout and at some point you are going to shout. Agree now what happens then.
One thing to try: Agree the rule with somebody before you need it. When one of us shouts, we both stop for three breaths.
In this episode
(0:03) Three things that would genuinely help right now
(2:35) Having somebody around most of the time, and what that costs
(5:00) The first word, understanding
(7:13) Maybe they genuinely did not know, and we presumed
(9:53) Patience, and working out some rules together
(11:42) At some point I am going to shout, and so are you
(14:20) Twenty seconds. Three breaths. Anybody can do that
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
How do you stop an argument before it starts?
You agree what happens in advance, while everybody is calm. Recorded a week into the first UK lockdown, and it works just as well in any house where people are on top of each other.
The heart of it
Understanding. They almost certainly did not know the thing you assumed they knew.
Compassion. Somebody has to listen first, and it may as well be you.
Patience. None of this is easy for anybody, including the ones who look fine.
I know something about being around other people constantly. I have carers in my home, and however good they are, that is another adult in your space most of the day. I put mine on call, because having somebody near you all day sends anybody round the bend.
The first one is the one that prevents most rows. We assume other people can see what we can see, so when they do not we conclude they are being stupid or careless.
Somebody brings you a tea with no sugar in it. You take sugar and they know that. Or the sugar ran out and there was no chance to say. Or they had something else on their mind entirely.
The second one. In relationship counselling, ask each person what they wish their partner did more of, and both of them say listen. Both of them. And we run it backwards, waiting to be listened to before we will listen, which guarantees neither happens.
If you want to be listened to, listen. If you want to be loved, love.
And the third is just an admission. This is hard for all of us and nobody is managing it gracefully.
One small thing to try
Set the rule while everything is calm, because in the middle of a row it is far too late.
Sit them down and say it plainly. At some point I am going to shout. At some point you are going to shout. When that happens, here is what we do.
Two that work. Agree that one of you will take the other's hand and squeeze it, as a reminder rather than a rebuke, and the other takes ten minutes out.
Or put a bowl or a bell somewhere in the house. Anybody may ring it, including the children, and everybody stops for twenty seconds. No exceptions.
Twenty seconds is three breaths, and anybody can manage three breaths. It is enough to bring the body down out of fight or flight and get the reasonable part of you back online.
Fair warning. The children will ring it constantly for the first two days. Obey it anyway, because the day you need it, you will need everybody to have believed in it.
Questions people ask
Why does it have to be agreed beforehand?
Because grabbing somebody's hand mid argument without a prior agreement will make it considerably worse. The rule only works if it was set when nobody had anything to lose by agreeing to it.
What if my family will not go along with it?
Then use the first three on your own. Understanding, compassion and patience are not a joint activity, and one person running them changes a house more than you would expect.
Does twenty seconds really do anything?
It is not meant to resolve anything. It is meant to interrupt the escalation, and interrupting it is most of the battle.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
covid · resilience · empathy · compassion
Read the transcript
So welcome to this week's Living Deeper Lives.
I'm Stephen Webb and I'm your host.
And I wanted to come up with three things that would really help
us during this time of lockdown and isolation.
And I thought about the problems we're going to have over
the weeks ahead.
And I thought about three things that we could really tap into,
really use in order to.
So we're less triggered, there's less arguments, more peace
around the house, because let's not push it to a side and go,
you know, this is going to be easy.
Because it's not going to be easy.
It's going to be a real hard time for many of us.
We're not used to being this close in proximity to our family
24 hours a day.
And for some, it's going to really open them up as a family in
a way that is going to open their hearts and they're going to
become more loving and closer.
Others, it's going to tear apart.
And we might love our children and we love our parents and we love
our partners.
Spending 24 hours together, that's a different story.
The different story, right.
So I come up with three things that it will make the biggest difference
overall.
So let's get on with the show.
I release a show every Monday.
I'm, as I said, Stephen Webb, and I'm paralyzed just below my neck.
And I help people that been through a lot in their lives or going
through a lot, find a little bit of inner peace.
It's a difficult time for all of us.
I've been isolated now for two weeks, not entirely because I have
my carers and I have to have carers to come in and get me out
of bed, put me to bed, wash me, do all my personal hygiene, tidy
my house, everything really.
I am vulnerable.
You know, I'm diabetic, I'm asthmatic, I'm paralyzed.
So.
And one of the ones in the vulnerable categories and here in
the uk, we've now been locked down for one week.
We should have been locked down a lot longer.
That's a different story.
But we've been locked down for a week and I think it's the right
thing, but it's going to be difficult.
It's going to be at least three to six months of this similar.
And we're just not used to spending that much time with somebody
in close proximity.
I know what it's like to have to have someone around most of the
time, and it's not easy.
I've got a relatively big house.
They can go and find some time in another room.
I'm not allowed to lock them in the cupboard.
Apparently I'm not allowed to.
So I put my carers on call because literally having someone
around you all day drives you insane.
So we're going to be tested like we've never been tested before.
There's going to be arguments, there's going to be confusion, there's
going to be, well, I thought you really loved me.
I thought this would be a wonderful time.
It doesn't mean we don't love each other, it doesn't mean we don't
care and we don't think about each other in a real positive way.
It just means that such a change so quickly is going to be
difficult for anybody to handle.
Oh, by the way, if you wanted to watch this podcast, me doing it,
I'm recording it as a video as well on YouTube.
I want to build up 1,000 subscribers on YouTube and over this
lockdown so people that haven't seen me see my face, I can
put a face to it.
Just go to YouTube type Stephen Webb, you'll find me.
So what are these three things?
Well, it comes down to I talk about core values a lot.
And what do I mean by core values?
I mean who are you underneath all the opinions and beliefs or the
thoughts of who you think you are, all the stories, all the experiences
in life?
Who are you beneath all of that?
You know, if I was to ask you three words of how you show up.
So we meet over a five foot Social distancing.
No, just imagine we meet as a normal.
As normal and we shake each other's hands.
What three things would you like me to remember you as?
Three character things would you like me to remember you as?
Stoic, compassionate, loving, timid, frightened.
How would you like me to remember you?
So when I go away and I say to someone, oh, I met you today, this
is what I think of him.
This is what I think his core values are.
And I think if we show up from these core values, we really fundamentally
know who we are below all the noise of life.
But I wanted to take it a step further on this and I've come up
with three words and the first word is understanding.
We need to really tap deep into our understanding of ourselves
and others during this time.
Understand that I'm not the only one in the house that stressed.
I'm not the only one that's frightened.
I'm not the only one that's doing my best.
I'm not the only one that feels that this is just a wacky time
and find it hard to cope.
See through understanding.
We take ourselves out of the equation because we very often think
other people think the same way as we do, and they don't.
Nobody thinks the way you do.
Nobody thinks the way I do.
But we think people should.
That's why when we look at people, sometimes we go, how come
you did not see that?
Are you really that stupid or are you really that thick or are
you really that useless that you cannot.
It's because we're basing it because we can see it, we think they
should be able to see it.
So after a few hours, we're tired, we're teasing or something,
and then someone comes in and says something.
We expect them to know how we're feeling.
People have got enough problems of their own without thinking
about other people.
So understanding is how might they be feeling now?
They don't feel the same as me, that's okay.
They don't think the same as me.
They're not in my head, they're not a party to my thoughts.
Whereas we think they should be.
Can you make me a cup of tea, please?
Yeah, no problem.
Just in a minute.
Well, I wanted it now, you know, I.
If I wanted it in a minute, I'd have asked you in a minute.
Just that simple little trigger like that.
Or they might bring a cup of tea in and they put it down and it's
got no sugar in it and you're like, you know, I take sugar.
Well, there's a number of reasons why they may not put sugar
in it.
Perhaps they just forgot, Perhaps you run out of sugar and
they haven't had time to tell you.
Perhaps they had something else on their mind or perhaps they
genuinely didn't know and we just thought they should know.
Again, it's that presumption.
It's understand that everybody's doing their best.
That's the first one.
Whether or not it's what we think their best should be, that's
a different story.
So go easy on people, relax your rules a little bit, be a little
more understanding.
The next one is very similar and it's compassion.
It comes down to understanding.
Is compassion really having the compassion that they're suffering
too?
If you genuinely care about them, you care about their suffering
and what's going on in their life, rather than just how they should
show up in your life or how you think they should show up.
Genuine compassion is meeting them where they are, then many are
going to say, yeah, but when is someone going to meet me where
I am.
Well, when you meet them, one of the biggest complaints when a
couple goes into a divorce court or to relationship therapy,
when they asked the.
The female, well, what.
What is the one thing that you wish your partner would do more?
And they said, well, I wish they would listen more.
And then when they asked the guy as well, he said exactly the
same, well, I wish they would listen more.
We want to be listened to.
It's like so fundamentally important.
The problem is, do we listen to them?
We almost have it backwards.
We have it that, well, I'll listen to you once you've listened
to me.
And do you know what that leads to?
It leads to nobody listening because somebody has to listen first.
And that's really important.
Somebody has to do the listening first.
So if you want to be listened to, listen.
If you want to be loved, love.
If you want someone to treat you in a certain way, treat them
in the same way.
It really is quite that simple.
That's compassion.
Listening to them, understanding them, being open to
their truth, their suffering.
We have to share the tv.
That's a big one, sharing the tv.
Because we're used to having the tv, perhaps to ourselves during
the day or in the evening, and suddenly we have to share the tv,
be more compassionate towards it, more understanding to.
And work out some rules, things like that.
And the last one is patience.
You know, take a deep breath, have some patience with people.
This is not easy for anybody.
Not easy for you, not easy for me.
It's not easy for your partner, your kids, your parents.
We're going to have arguments on the phone, we're going to make
mistakes, we're going to shout at people, we're going to be annoyed
by people more than ever.
The best thing you can do is have a little patience.
If you've got kids, have patience for them.
You want them to do their schoolwork because the school set
you out all this work and you want to send them back with all flying
colors.
Perhaps kids aren't used to learning from home.
It's a whole new habit they got to build and Mum and Dad probably
aren't the best person to do that.
It's completely rewiring of our system to have patience with
them, have patience with your partner.
It's a new situation, it's a new.
A whole way of living.
So understanding, be compassionate and patience.
I'm going to give you some practical skills, you know, set boundaries,
sit down and have a word with them when they're not triggered.
If you say something and they're triggered and they Argue
back and you argue.
Then's not the time to set a boundary to sit down and go, hey,
how about we do this?
If you want to really help, sit your partner down or sit your
children down or something and say, look, this is going to be tough
for us all.
At some point I'm going to shout.
At some point you guys are going to shout too.
When we do, we will do this.
So if this happens, do this.
So if I shout, please, I'm going to take time out and in a relationship
with an argument between two of you, instead of escalating the
argument again and again and again, say if we start to argue,
please could you take my hand, squeeze it a little to reassure me
that you love me and I will then stop and take 10 minutes out.
Simple solutions like this, really easy practical steps that
you can put in place.
When everything is calm, there's no good doing it.
When the chimps are flying in the head, when you got a batten down
the hatchet because it's already been lost, the, the calm
serenity is already gone.
No good doing it then.
It really is in the calmness.
Say, look, at some point I'm going to find this really difficult.
At some point I'm going to be triggered and I'm not going to be
able to remain calm.
You could help me.
If we do this now, then if they're flying off and you grab hold
of their hand and ask them to be quiet, it's going to go badly.
This is why it has to be done beforehand.
And the other thing you can have perhaps get some kind of bowl
in the house, a singing bowl if you have one, but some kind of
ringing charm that you can tap and say to everybody in the house,
gather them all around and say to them, do you know what?
If anything gets too much for you or there's shouting or me and
your dad are arguing, we all promise, whether the kids are shouting
or anything, if somebody taps this bowl we will all be quiet for
20 seconds no matter what.
But warning to the adults here a the kids will ring it lots to begin
with in the first couple days, just obey it, just go with it, it's
fine.
But after a little while you will be in a genuine argument maybe
if there's such a thing as a genuine argument, but you'll be in
an argument, it will be happening and one of the kids will
have enough or one of the partners or one of you will have
enough and you'll tap that and you have to abide by it, you have
to abide by it.
Just 20 seconds.
That's three breaths.
Anybody can stop an argument for three breaths.
And it's enough to turn things around.
It's enough to calm the body, get out of the stress, fight, flight
or freeze mechanism.
And it's enough to turn the human on in your mind.
So there's some practical tips and the three things we all need
right now, understanding, compassion and patience.
I'm Stephen Webb and this is Living Deeper Lives podcast.
And I've recorded this as well to go on YouTube.
And I hope you like the show.
I hope you follow or subscribe.
If you're on Spotify, perhaps leave a review on itunes.
Reviews really help me to know whether I'm going right or going
wrong and what you like and what you're enjoying and what you're
not enjoying so much.
So even if you want to just give it one star, give it a star
and let me know why.
But if you do want to give it five stars and you are enjoying it
and you have come back more than once, give it a review.
It really, really helps me go up the ranks and I can reach more
people, more listeners, and I think that's what's important at
the moment.
If we can just find a little inner peace, find a little calmness
in all of this storm at the moment, then we would have done our
