What Is in Your Control and Why It Is Important to Know

0:03Steven Webb: When I was really suffering in my life, and when I was really hitting my rock bottom, I was really

0:10Steven Webb: trying to control the whole world. I was trying to control every aspect of my life, and I was really

0:15Steven Webb: getting frustrated because it wasn't going the way I wanted it. And I think one of the things that I

0:20Steven Webb: found out... Really important that time was I wasn't in control of an awful lot. And deciphering the

0:28Steven Webb: difference between what I was in control of and what I wasn't in control of was really the holy grail

0:35Steven Webb: of reducing my suffering. And on today's podcast, I want to share some of the things that you are in

0:41Steven Webb: control of, what you aren't in control of, and also why it is really, really important.

0:52Steven Webb: So welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this podcast really just helps you to

0:59Steven Webb: see things a little bit different. And if seeing things a little bit different reduces your suffering, gives you a

1:05Steven Webb: little more inner peace, then it's working.

1:14Steven Webb: So a little bit about me. If this is the first time you ever heard my podcast, I'm paralysed just

1:19Steven Webb: below the chest. I've been paralysed since I was 18. I dived into a swimming pool and broke my neck.

1:26Steven Webb: And I'm also the Mayor of Truro, so I'm into politics. I'm also a local councillor.

1:33Steven Webb: Really I hit my rock bottom at the age of 40. And at that point, I set out to reduce

1:38Steven Webb: other people's suffering as well as mine. And I found ways of doing that and I share them with you

1:44Steven Webb: on this podcast.

1:45Steven Webb: On this podcast today, I really want to talk to you about what is in your control and what isn't

1:50Steven Webb: in your control. And this was really a huge eye-opener for me because I really

1:58Steven Webb: thought trying to control the world, trying to control everything, and because it wasn't going the way I wanted it,

2:04Steven Webb: that was what was causing most of my suffering. And it's quite surprising how much we're not in control of.

2:12Steven Webb: Let's face it, when you eat a donut, you you don't even control where the weight's going to go on.

2:18Steven Webb: Yet we're trying to control every everything We're trying to control everybody around us. We're trying to control our family.

2:24Steven Webb: We're trying to control the the political spectrum of the country. We're trying to control our local

2:32Steven Webb: community. We're trying to control our neighbours. And yet we don't really have that much control of our own lives

2:39Steven Webb: when it comes down to making decisions and things like that. It's really, really funny when you think about it.

2:46Steven Webb: But what is in your power? What is in your control? You know, Control means that you can have some

2:54Steven Webb: kind of influence over the outcome. And really, the ultimate control is you have complete control over the outcome. And

3:01Steven Webb: you're going to find out that we really don't have virtually any complete control over our outcome. We don't even

3:09Steven Webb: have control over our thoughts and our feelings.

3:13Steven Webb: And we have some control over our actions, but we don't have any control over where the actions go.

3:19Steven Webb: Like firing a bow and arrow. You can do all the training. You can do all the preparation. But once

3:25Steven Webb: you leave go of that arrow, that's it. It's up to the wind. It's up to nature. It's up to

3:32Steven Webb: everything else once you let go of it. So once that action is out into the world... What happens with

3:38Steven Webb: it is totally nothing to do with you or not in your not in your circle of influence anyway. Just

3:46Steven Webb: the same as you could replace that bow with something you say and Perhaps you say something to somebody and,

3:54Steven Webb: you know how how that lands, how they feel about it, where it goes, how it spread how the ripples

4:01Steven Webb: go. Totally not in your control. The only thing that was in your control was whether you should say it

4:08Steven Webb: or not. And that's it.

4:10Steven Webb: So yeah, what are you in control of? So let's start with that. You're in control of your mind to

4:18Steven Webb: some degree and a lot less than people thing Now then, you cannot control your next thought because if I

4:25Steven Webb: say to you, what's your next thought?

4:28Steven Webb: No, you don't know it until it's there. But once it's already there, you cannot change it. You can only

4:35Steven Webb: influence whether you want to stay with it or not. It's like someone delivering a paint to you. You can

4:42Steven Webb: decide whether to use it or not. Your mind delivers a thought. You decide whether to use it or not.

4:49Steven Webb: It's that simple. Your words. You do have pretty much total control over your words. That

4:57Steven Webb: is one place where you do have control. Albeit unless you're not consciously aware of what you're saying and you

5:05Steven Webb: just do it out of habit. Someone says, how are you go yeah, I'm fine. Did you consider that response

5:11Steven Webb: or not? You know, that's an interesting one.

5:15Steven Webb: Was it part of your conscious response? Or is it subconscious? Completely out of habit.

5:23Steven Webb: But that words are one thing that we can claw back and we can get to a point where we

5:28Steven Webb: can decide. Your actions. You do have control of your actions. You do have control over

5:36Steven Webb: what you're doing. You know, if I give you a hammer you have a control you have complete control of

5:41Steven Webb: what you do with a hammer. Whether you take it, whether you bang in a nail or you hurt someone

5:48Steven Webb: with it. So actions we do have nearly all controlled over unless it's subconscious. But

5:56Steven Webb: even then we can do exercise and we can practice to bring more of our, just the same as our

6:02Steven Webb: words, to bring more of our actions into the conscious realm so we're aware of what we're doing. So

6:10Steven Webb: when you get angry, you're not going to have an outburst of anger. Your emotions. Well, your emotions are not

6:18Steven Webb: an easy thing um I don't think you're in control of your emotions. You might have some influence over them,

6:24Steven Webb: but I don't think you're in control of them. You know, your emotions arise, just the same as your thoughts

6:29Steven Webb: come in. Emotions arise at any given circumstances. But what you do with those emotions, again, is up to you.

6:37Steven Webb: You know, you could feel an immense desire for somebody. You don't have to act upon it. You could feel

6:44Steven Webb: a real anger or resentment to somebody. You don't have to say something. You don't even have to let them

6:50Steven Webb: know, albeit it's hard to hide the micro body language, but essentially you don't have to

6:57Steven Webb: express your feelings in words or distinct facial expressions. Your

7:05Steven Webb: relationships. You have control over what types of relationships you enter. You do have control over the type of relationship

7:13Steven Webb: you're having you know Are you going to be in a loving relationship or are you going to be in

7:18Steven Webb: a

7:19Steven Webb: damaging relationship? Then you don't have control over how they bring stuff to the relationship, but you have control over

7:26Steven Webb: how you receive it or not you know Whether or not you stay in it, whether or not you accept

7:31Steven Webb: it, whether or not you have boundaries or not. So let's talk about the things we cannot control. So let's

7:38Steven Webb: talk about the things we cannot control. Because I think this is really important because we can always talk about

7:44Steven Webb: the things we can control. We kind of know them, but there's so many things we try to control and

7:50Steven Webb: we cannot. And this is where I think most of our stress, most of our anxiety and all comes from,

7:56Steven Webb: by trying to control the things we cannot control.

8:01Steven Webb: And and the first one is this present moment you You have some influence over what the present moment can

8:07Steven Webb: become in the next moment. But once this moment's here, you have no control to change it.

8:14Steven Webb: You know, if you go outside, you can't change the weather. You can decide whether to wear something appropriate for

8:21Steven Webb: the weather. But once it's here, once you're already in that moment, you can't change it. You can't

8:29Steven Webb: change that feeling it's arisen. You can't change that thought once it's there. So we cannot change the present moment.

8:36Steven Webb: That's really, really important because we try to all time I wish I wasn't here. I wish it wasn't like

8:42Steven Webb: this. I wish the weather was better. Oh, I wish I didn't feel like this. Well, you can wish all

8:48Steven Webb: you like. You're not gonna change it. Nobody's managed this. Nobody's got their Delorean time machine yet.

8:55Steven Webb: The

8:57Steven Webb: consequences of your actions. This is a good one. No matter how much you think you have something figured out

9:03Steven Webb: and how perfect you think your prediction abilities are, there is always something outside of your control. Put it

9:11Steven Webb: out there. Something's going to happen with it. You don't have any influence once it goes out there. We must

9:18Steven Webb: expect the unexpected because even under seemingly perfect conditions, we cannot control the outcomes. Like I said that

9:26Steven Webb: bow and arrow. We can spend years and years and years preparing for the Olympic Games. And the perfect bow,

9:33Steven Webb: the perfect arrow, the perfect weather. And we draw it back. And right at that moment, a nerve catches our

9:40Steven Webb: finger. Or it's the perfect, perfect as we possibly can be we

9:48Steven Webb: let it go. And that arrow

9:51Steven Webb: heads towards the thing. And then there's just like a little bit of wind or something. It just blows it

9:56Steven Webb: slightly off course. We knew it was the perfect aim. Nothing you can do about it. You weren't in control

10:03Steven Webb: of that little breath of wind or whatever. Other

10:07Steven Webb: people's minds.

10:10Steven Webb: This is this is funny because we think we can read other people's minds. We think we can read our

10:16Steven Webb: partners minds. We know what they're thinking. We don't. What it is, is we we believe they should be thinking

10:23Steven Webb: the same as us. Think about that for a moment when When we're angry with them or annoyed with them,

10:31Steven Webb: we're annoyed because they're not thinking the way we think they should be thinking.

10:38Steven Webb: You know, that's really, really important. You know, we don't have control over other people's thoughts. We don't have control

10:45Steven Webb: over our own thoughts, yet we seem to think we can influence and we can be annoyed and Like I

10:52Steven Webb: can't believe you think like that. I cannot believe that's the way you see it. You know, are you dumb

10:57Steven Webb: or whatever you know But yeah, we really get wound up by other people's thoughts, but we don't have that

11:04Steven Webb: influence over them. I told you last week, you know, I've said this so many times to you.

11:11Steven Webb: Well, you know, I tell myself loads and loads of times not to procrastinate, not to do this, not to

11:17Steven Webb: do that. And yet there I am still doing the same thing again and again and again. You

11:24Steven Webb: know, until we've got it all perfect, we cannot invite someone else to live the way we live. And that

11:30Steven Webb: may not be the answer for them anyway.

11:33Steven Webb: Other people's words, we cannot control what other people say you

11:38Steven Webb: know We

11:39Steven Webb: get really angry. You shouldn't have said that. How dare you say that? Cannot believe you said that to them.

11:44Steven Webb: Well, a

11:47Steven Webb: lot of the time it's out of habit and we don't really we're not constantly aware of what we say

11:53Steven Webb: You know Other people's actions and you know um their reactions to things, we're not in control of it. You

12:00Steven Webb: should not have done this. You should not have reacted in that way. Well, they probably know that now when

12:06Steven Webb: things have all gone wrong, but we don't have that influence. What someone else chooses to do or how they

12:13Steven Webb: react to something that you choose to do it's ultimately outside of your control. It really is.

12:21Steven Webb: Other people's emotions, we cannot. We try this all the time in relationships, don't we? We try to help someone

12:28Steven Webb: to love us or help someone to feel at ease or you know whatever We try to influence how other

12:35Steven Webb: people feel. Of course, it's noble. You know, we want someone to love us or we want someone to love

12:41Steven Webb: the world and feel more empathy and compassion. We want someone to feel good. We try to influence

12:48Steven Webb: their happiness genes or happiness hormones, whatever you want to call them.

12:54Steven Webb: You know, we don't have that much influence. We don't have control. We maybe have a bit of influence. You

13:02Steven Webb: know, if I say something quite nasty, I can change the way they're feeling pretty damn quick. But

13:08Steven Webb: I don't have ultimate at control because they could choose to ignore it.

13:13Steven Webb: Nature is something we cannot control. We can have influence over, perhaps we could water our garden and hopefully the

13:20Steven Webb: grass comes up or whatever we're trying to water it for. But

13:24Steven Webb: then again, if it doesn't grow, we don't have the huge amount of influence, the weather and everything else. But

13:31Steven Webb: we can just do our bit. And nature is the funny one because we don't try to change nature. We

13:36Steven Webb: can sit there and I shared on my Twitter yesterday some squirrels I was filming. And just watching them. I

13:43Steven Webb: was just enjoying watching them. I wasn't trying to change them. I wasn't like I'll turn around this way and

13:48Steven Webb: do this or pose for me or what are you doing? I was just allowing it to be. Just the

13:55Steven Webb: same as the river. Just allowing the river to be.

13:59Steven Webb: So, you know, we don't try to change nature and we're relaxed with that. That's okay. That's fine. That's what

14:06Steven Webb: we need to do with other people a little more. We need to realise that other humans or just nature.

14:11Steven Webb: Same as that squirrel. We expect too much of others. We're not perfect ourselves. We're struggling

14:19Steven Webb: ourselves, yet we expect other people around us to be perfect with us. The universe as a

14:26Steven Webb: whole, we can't control planets and alignments and all these things. You may try to influence it. When

14:34Steven Webb: we are five years old, we may lie in bed and close our eyes and go, I want it to

14:38Steven Webb: rain today or I want this to happen or I want this to happen. That's happened. And if it did

14:45Steven Webb: happen we go yeah, I did that. I'm magic. No, you didn't.

14:51Steven Webb: No, you didn't. It's just coincidences. That's

14:57Steven Webb: the reality. We we think we have some influence over the universe around us. We really don't. The other thing

15:04Steven Webb: is past and past and future You know, we're still trying to change the past. We

15:11Steven Webb: don't have any controlled over the past. The best way of controlling the past is make sure the immediate future

15:17Steven Webb: is about responding and about the way what you want to bring into it. And then that new future becomes

15:24Steven Webb: the past.

15:26Steven Webb: You know, we think with hindsight that we should have known better. We should have done all these things differently

15:31Steven Webb: and everything like that. We blame people for getting it wrong.

15:36Steven Webb: You know, we just don't have that much control. This is a whole podcast just to tell you you don't

15:42Steven Webb: have any control. But

15:46Steven Webb: I will, you know, let's turn it around a little bit. You have some little control, yet you don't have

15:52Steven Webb: great power over, you know, liberating yourself by realising what you don't have control of. You can spend most of

15:59Steven Webb: your time focused on what you do have control of. Your words, your actions, the way you can influence people

16:05Steven Webb: around you, the way you can influence life, the way you can influence your feelings and thoughts. If you focus

16:13Steven Webb: on negative thoughts, when they arise and you put all the weight on them, or when a feeling arises that

16:19Steven Webb: you don't like and you put all that weight onto it, your body and your mind will give you more

16:23Steven Webb: of those feelings. If you don't put that much weight and you don't put that much focus on them, it

16:29Steven Webb: won't give you them much more. And that's the simple thing. So you can influence what comes next by

16:37Steven Webb: focusing on what you focus on in that present moment. You know, if you focus on peace. Ah, just

16:45Steven Webb: a deep breath. The next moment is going to be a little more peaceful.

16:50Steven Webb: And that's the holy grail.

16:53Steven Webb: You can focus on what you want in the next moment. You may get it. You may not get it.

16:58Steven Webb: Just don't get attached to whether you get it or not.

17:02Steven Webb: You know, I'm Steven Webb and that's my podcast this week. Just, you know, focus on more on what you

17:07Steven Webb: are in control of and you're in control of very little this is stillness in the storms and, you know.

17:14Steven Webb: You can get all my meditations from stevensmeditations.com and there'll be a link there to the apps and you

17:22Steven Webb: go in there. There's also a little course in there as well of how to change your negative bias, negative

17:29Steven Webb: mindset bias and have more positive life and a positive outcome and live a little happier. That's all part of

17:36Steven Webb: the app. So yeah. So stevensmeditations.com. Take care guys. I love you

17:44Steven Webb: and thank you. If you if this podcast does anything to help you in any way, please share it with

17:50Steven Webb: your friends. Please send the link out. Do whatever. And above all, just am I in control of

17:58Steven Webb: this moment? Am I trying to control something that I'm not in control of? But you are in control of

18:05Steven Webb: heading over to stevensmeditations.com. Take care. Bye.