Breaking the Chains of Shame: One Man’s Journey to Self-Acceptance

Q: How do I tell whether shame is running me?

Look for the tells rather than the feeling. Constant self doubt. Perfectionism, which is usually fear of being seen. Avoiding things. Pulling away from people. Mine hid inside politeness for thirty years.

Q: Why is asking for help so hard?

Because underneath it is usually a belief that you are not owed anything, and that belief does not announce itself. It comes out as not wanting to be a bother, which sounds like good manners.

Q: Do you still say no automatically?

Yes. Somebody offers and my first reaction is still no. The difference is that now I pause, and quite often I change my answer.

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The transcript

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self-worth · healing · vulnerability · personal-story · self-compassion

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Hello, I'm Stephen Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms,

the podcast that helps you to find inner peace in the midst of

life's chaos.

On today's show, I'm going to be talking about my story of shame

and then I will share how you can identify whether shame is holding

you back.

And considering I did not see how it was holding me back for 30

years, it's not easy to see.

It really did transform my whole life complet the moment I realized

this and it was really just a moment.

You know, you need to hear this story.

If you're just if you feel like there's a lot more you can do

and you just on the edge of it and you want to be there and you

want to do more, but you're a bit fearful of doing it.

This show is for you.

But just before we start on today's show, I want to say thank

you to a few of you this week.

And it's so appreciative and thank you.

Who bought me a coffee?

I Audra Bianca, someone Anonymous and Kelly and Lydia.

You guys are awesome and thank you.

It makes such a huge difference.

And if you want to treat me to a coffee, just say thank you for

the show.

Just say if I help you in any way, it makes a huge difference.

I'm currently saving up to buy a new seat for my wheelchair and

that's where all this money is going to right now.

I'm trying to buy and you see it's currently on ebay and I'm hoping

they don't sell it.

It's in Germany and they're, they've redone it.

So that's what I'm currently trying to save up for right now.

Anyway, I've made it really easy for you.

Just head over to thankousteven.com and you can donate.

You can buy me a coffee or you can download the five simple practices

for Inner peace and join my newsletter.

Thank you, steven.com.

you are awesome.

Right?

Today's show, I'm talking about shame.

I don't know if you ever seen any of the books by Brenny Brown

when she talks about shame.

She's done a brilliant TED talk a few years ago, probably 10

years ago now.

And I remember watching it and I remember about eight or nine years

ago watching it and thinking, well, that's other people.

You know, I know stuff from Shane, but I never realized it really

affected me and I could see it in other people.

And I was happy.

I was, you know, I got on my life I enjoyed my life.

Shame doesn't bother me, but boy did it.

It so affected me in so many subtle ways.

And I had no idea, I had no idea the decisions I was making was

because of my shame.

I thought I was just being nice and polite.

I thought I was being kind to people and all that.

And it wasn't.

I was really deep, like neck deep in my shame.

So just a very little bit of background to anybody that's new

to my podcast.

I'm paralyzed from just below the neck.

I broke my neck when I was 18 years old.

I was in 1991, so over 30 years ago now, September 1st, it

was 10:30 in the evening and I dived into a swimming pool and I

broke my neck C5, the fifth bone down and instantly paralyzed.

I cannot move my hands, fingers, I cannot feel anything from

my nipples down.

And I use an electric wheelchair permanently.

And yeah, I've been like it, you know, 30 years.

And anybody who knows me, I'm happy, I get on with life, I'm very

positive and things like that.

I just find there's as much effort in being negative as there

is in positive.

But it's not that easy.

You know, if you listen to my podcast regularly, you'll know that

even being positive there's, it takes work, you know, it's not

just a moment decision.

But I digress for a moment.

I want to, I want to stick on the story of shame, but I had to

give you a bit of background, otherwise you may not understand

the reason behind it.

So my story of shame, really.

Well, a, I didn't know I suffered from it and this is really

important, but very much after I broke my neck, I spent 12 months

in hospital and the very first time I can remember coming out of

hospital for a proper day and I went to Farnborough Air day.

And at the time I was in a manual wheelchair.

It took me a few years to succumb to the fact that I might

need an electric wheelchair to be more independent.

That was like giving into my disability.

I'm not that disabled.

I don't need an electric wheelchair.

Boy, the minute I got an electric wheelchair, it's like giving

me my freedom.

But you know, I wasn't that disabled, didn't need that.

So I was being pushed around Farnborough Air day.

It was massively hot, they were running low on water and it

was the first time I was out and about and being going from an

able bodied person at the age of 18.

I was now 19 because I spent a year in hospital Being pushed about.

Other people in wheelchairs waved to me.

And just like.

I don't know if you.

If you're in the uk, you got the VW club.

Oh, you have the VWS or otherwise.

But they tend to wave at each other as they drive past in the road.

The vw, the Volkswagens.

And it's like this communist niche community.

Like, you feel part of it.

You wave at people even if you're not.

You don't know them.

And suddenly I was.

These people in wheelchairs were like, all right, all right.

I was like, yeah, do I know you?

I found it a little bit strange and odd.

I remember there was a little small queue, about five or six people

queuing up to sit in the cockpit of a Spitfire.

I think it was.

It was a fighter plane anyway.

And you had the steps going up and the steps going down the other

way.

And a couple of the guys came over to me and said, do you want

to sit in the cockpit?

No, no, not at all.

I said, no, sure, it won't be a problem.

We got enough guys.

We can lift you in.

I was like, no, no, no, it's okay.

And of course I wanted to.

I was dancing.

How cool would that be?

I still want to do it.

You know, if anybody's got a fighter plane out there, especially

one that flies in the air, you know, if you want to put me in the

back of me, I'd love to do that.

How awesome would that be?

But I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to put them

out.

I didn't want to be a burden.

Now then that seemed normal to me.

That was okay.

I just didn't want to be a burden on people.

I didn't want them to have to put themselves out for me.

And I didn't know quite why I felt like that.

It took me 30 years to realize why I felt like that.

I could guess.

I would always say, well, I just don't want to be a pain.

I don't want to be a burden on people.

You know, they're busy and all that.

I used to justify in so many ways, but what was the reason behind

it?

What was the deeper reason behind it?

And it was my shame, but I couldn't see it.

And I would be in a shop or something like that, and I'd be looking

at stuff on the shelf.

I'm looking at magazines, and I always remember, I'm going to tell

you this story, actually.

I remember being in a shop called Tremlets in the uk and I don't

know if they're countrywide or just local to Truro, but a shop called

Tremlitz.

And in the uk, the adult magazines were always on the top

shelf.

And I can remember being in the tremulous.

I was looking at all the magazines, I was looking around and

this lady, she's probably 10, 15 years older than me there she

was, she was quite a bit older than me actually.

I was in my early 20s and she must have been 40, 50.

And she said, do you want to have a look at the magazines or anything?

Do you want me to help you look through them?

And I was like, no, no, no.

She goes, no, honestly, honestly, I don't mind.

I was like, no, honestly, I'm okay.

She said, look, I can reach any of them from the top shelf or

anything and I don't mind showing you the pictures or anything.

I just wanted to die.

But I just, I don't know why I shared that story.

It's got nothing to do with my shame or anything like that.

But I just wanted to die.

But.

But I get that a lot.

So when I'm in supermarkets or when I'm in town or when I'm over

places, if I stop to have a look around, someone to go, do you

want a hand?

And my go to answer was always, no, I'm okay, thank you.

Even if I want a hand, even if I'm desperate to have a look at something

to smell the candle or I'm just trying to think of something

else that I might pick up to smell.

But if I wanted to look at something more detail, may have wanted

to see the ingredients on some in food, I would just look up and

go, no, I'm okay, thank you.

And I would disappear quickly.

And that was my go to answer for anybody offering help.

And it was very much right throughout life.

So I'm going to Skip now like 30 years.

And it was after I hit my rock bottom and after I started like doing

some work on myself and through meditation and through other

things and through meditation and all that.

And I don't mean deep work to be happy and positive and like be

enlightened and all that.

My meditation work was just sit down, shut up and observe.

You know, if you want to paint an amazing picture of the scenery

outside, really slow down and have a look at the scenery, look

at the different color leaves and how the light shines on the leaves

and how they're different textures and all.

So in order to do something well, you have to sit and observe.

So that's What I did, my meditation practice was sit and observe.

So I would observe the way I thought, the way I feel, the way

I'm seeing the situation.

And I'd be entertained by it sometimes, annoyed by it sometimes.

And in general, I would just sit down and shut up and watch it.

And over the course of a couple of years, I learned that when

I was annoyed about things, they were onto something.

So if somebody annoyed me, then there was something there that

I had to deal with.

There was some shadow, there was something from my past or some

thoughts I had, some jealousy or, I don't know, some shame or something.

There was something there that.

And Jun Ho, one of my teachers, sadly passed away.

Now, his phrase was, your angst is your liberation.

So if there's some angst there, go there, find out what it

is, don't dismiss it.

So if it annoys you, it's something to go and have a look.

I remember sitting down in the dining room.

My ex girlfriend came over and this was about two years after we

finished, probably three years.

So I was able to sit in the dining room.

I was able to not feel anything.

She was a friend by that time, and I was able to sit there.

And she said, you know what the problem with you is?

You have like this chip on your shoulder.

I was like, oh, so right.

Like a red rag to a bull.

It's like, really?

I didn't say anything.

I sat there and I felt my anger boiling.

I was like, oh, then years ago, I'd have been, how ridiculous.

W stupid.

How dare you say that?

How can you?

But I knew that she said something that triggered something

in me, so there was something there.

You got a chip on your shoulder.

And I said, explain what you mean by that, because that's really

bothered me, you saying that.

So explain what you mean.

She said, the problem is, over the course of the conversation, I

realized it was some kind of shame.

And I remember saying to her that I would work on it, not any

reason for her or anything like that.

I said I would look at it, I'd try to see what that is.

And over the course of a few weeks, I was looking at the decisions

I was making.

And these decisions I was making was very much like when someone

offered to help me, I would refuse.

I'd go, oh, I wonder if that's to do with it.

And then at the time, I was having a conversation with one of

my fellow councillors, Councillor Stokes, and we were trying

to work out a way in which I could fund a new wheelchair.

My wheelchair was dying it was on its last legs.

The steering was broke, the batteries were gone.

It was 15 years old.

And we were working out all these ways of.

I could do a tour around Cornwall, I could get sponsors from

companies.

I could do all these things.

And then she suddenly said to me one day, why don't you just ask?

Why didn't you just put up a GoFundMe page and ask?

So I can do that?

I gotta give something back.

Why would they give it to me?

And in that conversation, I've realized, oh, my God, there's my

shame.

I cannot ask people why.

And of course, the why is the angst, the liberation.

You find out the why and you'll know where you've got to go.

You know where the work is.

Why can I not just ask?

And I said, because I'm not deserving of it.

So what do you mean you're not deserving of it?

You do loads of things for people.

You help people all the time.

Why are you not deserving of it?

And over the course of a couple of three weeks, I thought,

why am I?

Why don't I think I'm deserving of it?

And it led me to one realization, that when people say

I'm an inspiration, and I still get this now, people say, oh,

you're such an inspiration.

I used to hate it.

Why am I an inspiration?

I get out of bed the same as anybody else I go in my life, I'm

positive and happy.

Just because I'm paralyzed, it doesn't mean to say you can't get

on with your life.

But I realized that I had a deep shame about my disability, and

I was embarrassed about my disability.

And I'll tell you why.

Because I was the dumbass that broke my neck.

I was the dumbass that dived into that pool and did it.

I was the bloody idiot.

So everything that stemmed from me being paralyzed, I felt I

wasn't deserving of it.

To the point of, I had a deep shame about my disability, and I

didn't even think I deserved to be in disabled groups that advocate

and help disabled people.

How crazy is that?

They're not me.

They're people that are doing amazing things, but I don't belong

to that group because they're born with it or they had an accident

or they've done all these things.

They're genuinely disabled.

And I'm not.

I'm an idiot.

And I had a huge shame about my disability.

And don't get me wrong, I was an idiot for diving into the pool,

but it was A mistake.

It was a one off.

Yet that one mistake held me in such a deep, invisible subconscious

shame for 30 years.

And it stopped me asking for help, it stopped me growing, it stopped

my confidence, it stopped me advocating and helping other disabled

people.

I was trying to live an able bodied person's life while having

my bum wiped, while having to.

And some days, if I get through the day without bloody soil

in my pants, it's a damn good day.

I'm the mayor of Truro at the moment and it's the most awesome

experience I've ever had.

So I go to meetings, I do all these amazing crazy things and yet

going through a day just not soiling myself is like a bloody success.

And I didn't realize how severely disabled I was because I

was denying my disability, because I was embarrassed about it.

How crazy?

How crazy is that?

And that shame, just me away and it had me away because I wasn't

living my full potential, because I was holding myself back,

because I feared people would see that I'm not really disabled,

yet here I am, paralyzed.

How crazy.

It's just mental.

How something can have such a massive impact on your life, yet

you cannot see it.

Boy, that was the realization of that.

And then subsequently I said to Kylie in Councilor Stokes, I said,

okay, let's do it.

I set up a GoFundMe and I said, I need £10,000 for a new electric

wheelchair.

£1,000 came in.

I was like, what?

1200 pound, 1400, 1600.

I feel like sitting there crying now, thinking how and just

telling the story.

Boy, I got tears in my eyes now.

Just telling you the story is like, what a freedom.

Wow.

And I realized when I spoke to people, I said, why?

Why are you doing this?

I wanted to give them the money back.

I wanted to phone them and say, look, that's great, but you

know, you can have this money pack.

Didn't feel deserving of it.

And, and of course they wanted to give the money.

That in the art of giving was enough for them.

They didn't.

They just wanted to give me my freedom, they wanted to give me my

chair and it was a gift from them.

They didn't want the money back.

They would have been offended if I had given the money back.

So over the course of like three weeks I had 10,000 pound come

in and I bought a new wheelchair.

And in the first two years I'd done 1800 miles in this wheelchair.

It was mental.

I love my wheelchair.

I'm back in it again today because we've done some Work on it.

Recently, we've done some repairs on it.

And the freedom that gave me.

But the chair wasn't the freedom.

The chair was the physical freedom, but the freedom of realizing

that shame and suddenly going, do you know what?

I am deserving of it?

I'm deserving of it because I'm getting on with my life.

So the accident.

And this is why I know now you want to give me a.

Call me, an inspiration.

Go ahead.

In part, I still want to run, but in part, I love it.

And I love it because it's not what you do in life, it's what you

do with it.

You know, I was a dumbass.

I paralyzed myself.

I dived into the pool, but what did I do with it?

And I often say, if someone was to give me the best piece of

advice when I was lying in bed with metal braces attached to the

top of my head, with 15 pounds of weight hanging off the top, with

a tracheotomy in my throat, that I couldn't speak, losing several

pounds per week until the point where I was six foot and you

could see every rib, I was down to about seven and a half stone.

Hospital.

If someone could give me the best bit of advice, then would have

been, do you know what, Stephen?

Great, you're paralyzed, but what are you going to do with it?

Great, you're paralyzed.

What are you going to do with it?

And that is the key.

You have this life.

What are you going to do with it?

You have this gift.

Now, this gift could be.

You know, the gift was my accident.

The gift was what happened to me.

The gift was that I was a dumbass that dived into the pool.

You know, I believe there's a gift in everything.

You just got to sometimes dig a little deeper to find it.

You know, I'm paralyzed.

Whether I use it as a gift or not, I'm still paralyzed.

You know, it's like saying, you know, I'd love to be an animal,

a rabbit or something, and live in some lovely meadow.

Well, you can.

You can want that all you like, all you like.

You're still going to be human.

The end of the day, you know, all our angst comes from when we

want something to be different than what it is.

And there's my shame.

And since then, I've been able to talk to more people.

I wouldn't be sitting in here as mayor of Truro if I didn't have

that realization of how the shame was holding me back.

And does it still hold me back?

Does it still keep me Humble.

Oh boy, yes.

And I'm glad of that.

When someone comes up and offers me help, my initial reaction

of that habitable so long in my life and I still think now that

seven year old self doesn't, isn't deserving of something.

And I don't know why I'm still working on that one.

You know, have balance with the work as well.

Don't work too hard, you know, have balance because you can dig

all you like and you'll always find something.

The wisdom is knowing when to stop digging and when to get on with

life.

From the depth you are or the height you are, whichever way.

But going back to my shame and my liberation from it, just that

realization just brought it in.

From a shadow to the visible self, I shone the light on why I

say no.

And now when someone offers me, my initial reaction is no.

But then I go, I pause right to the point.

Now I can say, look, if you want to offer me a coffee, if you

want to donate a coffee to me, it's alien to me to say to you, donate

something.

If I help you, go to thankousteven.com that feels odd

to me.

So when one of you do it, like Audrey and Bianca that have done

this week, when one of you do that, I find that strange.

But on the flip side, I'm starting to get used to it and I'm

starting to think, well, if I help, why not?

So, yeah, that's my story of shame and the way I found freedom

from it.

But I had to go there.

I had to go where it was uncomfortable.

How do you identify yours?

I don't know.

I don't know.

See what annoys you?

You know, the difference is made in my life and it's a healthy

confidence.

I'm still not that confident now.

I still say to everyone, was that okay?

But that's all right, that's fine.

I can always remember Oprah Winfrey telling a story about Obama.

Obama, probably one of the best speakers on earth.

He was on Oprah Winfrey after he was president, after he become

effectively leader of the free world.

You cannot get no higher promotion than that.

And he leaned into Oprah at the end, Oprah said, I said, did

I do all right?

Was that okay?

I don't mind that humbleness.

You know, I'm always second guessing, am I doing okay?

Was that speech okay?

Was that all right?

That's fine, you know, don't have that.

There's a fine balance in confidence.

You know, I don't release the podcast as often as I should, because

I don't feel like I've got something to share that's worthy.

Yeah, I know, it's crazy.

Even though I get these emails, I get these things of how

much I help people, I still want to step back.

And I think that Marianne Williamson quote is absolutely brilliant,

where it says, it's not the darkness that we're frightened of,

it's our light that we're frightened of.

What if the world shines a torch on us and says, show up?

Oh, boy, that's frightening.

And that in that fright.

And that's why we're more frightened of going on stage talking

in front of 10, 15,000 people than we are of death.

I think 80% answer the question.

Of course, this isn't actually true because they probably aren't

faced with death imminently, but 80% of people said they would

rather die than go on stage talking in front of people.

I'm sure they wouldn't, given the two options, but that's how frightening

it is when the world's spotlight is on you.

Terrifying.

But I promised at the beginning of this podcast that I

would share with you a few ways in which you can see your shame.

And if shame is affecting you, you know, self doubt, and that's

me, you know, if you frequently doubt your abilities,

you question your decisions or feel unworthy, then maybe it's shame.

Maybe it's shame playing the role.

If you're a perfectionist and you think everything has to be perfect,

I would say that's shame holding you back.

You're frightened of the world seeing you expose your flaws.

We're all deeply flawed, trust me.

And what's really interesting is we done a little march through

town.

I was in my robes and on Monday morning and I was talking

to the clergy there, I was talking to the canon and other people.

And it's really funny because I said one thing I've learned since

I've been married.

Everything looks really polished, but everything's going

wrong on the inside.

But no one knows.

Everybody's winging it.

Really.

Believe me, everybody's winging it.

When you see that perfect speech, you don't know how many words

they go wrong.

You don't.

Another way is avoidance.

Are you avoiding situations?

Do you have negative self talk?

Oh, boy, I do sometimes.

I don't suffer that so much as I do, but I have a lot of conversations

in my head.

Years ago, as growing up, we always said that would be.

You think you got a mental illness if you've got conversations

in your head.

If I don't have a conversation in my head.

I think.

I think something's wrong nowadays.

If you if you like isolation, you know, if you tend to withdraw

from social situations, avoid making new friends, or struggle to

connect with others on a deep level, shame may be contributing

to your feelings of isolation.

You know, if you recognize these signs in yourself, it may be

helpful to explore your feelings of shame and how they're

impacting your life.

Seeking support from a trusted friend Just say to them, you know,

how does shame affect you?

And I highly recommend Brandi Brown's book Power of Vulnerability.

I do them on Audible because they're easier.

Shove them in my ears and press play.

Sorry to say it Brenny, but I do fall asleep a lot to Audible books

and I have to re listen to them.

But that's okay.

Sleep's good either.

Dalai Lama said the best meditation is sometimes sleep thank

you guys for listening to my podcast.

My podcast going from Strength to Strength.

If you can leave reviews, that would be amazing.

If you can support in some way.

Like I said, I'm trying to save up for a new seat at the moment

to go on that new awesome wheelchair that I bought a couple

of years ago.

I did buy a seat at the time, but it's not comfortable.

It's giving me pressure.

So I've got to go back to the original seat I had back the new

version of it.

Anyway, I'm complicating things.

If you can help, it'd be awesome.

Thank you steven.com but you can download the 5 Simple Practices

for Inner Peace.

You are awesome.

Have a look at your shame.

If it's bothering you, there's something there to work on.

Take care guys.

I love you Sa.

Breaking the Chains of Shame: One Man’s Journey to Self-Acceptance

In this episode

The story behind this one

What it taught me

Questions people ask

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Breaking the Chains of Shame: One Man’s Journey to Self-Acceptance

In this episode

The story behind this one

What it taught me

Questions people ask

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.