Why am I so happy in a wheelchair? I get asked constantly. The honest answer is that I am not always, and I no longer think happiness is simply a choice.
Why am I so happy in a wheelchair? I get asked constantly. The honest answer is that I am not always, and I no longer think happiness is simply a choice.
I cannot feel anything below about my nipples, so half the time something is wrong and I have no idea. I do not look at the accident through rose tinted glasses and imagine the better life I would have had. There was no other deal on the table. Happiness moves depending on where you are standing. At the doctors, happiness is just wanting the ordinary day back.
One thing to try: Notice where your happiness is being measured from today. It moves, and that is most of the answer.
In this episode
(0:08) The question I get asked more than any other
(1:49) Not feeling anything below the chest, and what that hides
(3:20) Looking for the gift instead of the alternative life
(4:19) There was no other deal on the table
(5:55) Being open to whatever the day does, including disagreement
(7:36) Getting things done without your life depending on it
(8:58) At the doctors, happiness is just wanting the mundane back
(10:05) These are only my thoughts today, and I will be wrong again
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The question this answers
Is happiness actually a choice?
I get asked constantly why I am so happy in a wheelchair. Two corrections before we start. I am not always happy, and I am not always positive. And I no longer think happiness is something you pick.
The heart of it
The moment you choose happiness you have refused everything else, and now there is a whole half of life to fight off.
Deciding in advance how the day should go is the surest way to have lost it by ten in the morning.
Happiness moves depending on where you are standing.
I used to believe it was a choice. I woke up and chose it, along with the gratitude and the looking for the gift.
Some of that still holds. I do not look at the accident through rose tinted glasses and imagine the wonderful life I would otherwise have had. I was an idiot in a car and if a bone could be broken I found a way. There was no better deal on the table. There was only the one I got.
But choosing happiness is a different thing, and here is what is wrong with it. Choose it and you have automatically created its opposite. Now you have a list of things you like and things you do not, people who are good to be around and people who are not, and you spend the day sorting the world into piles.
So try the other version. Get up tomorrow and choose nothing at all. Whatever turns up, you will listen to it, be all right with it, and respond.
That is not letting the world run your life. I still have plans and I still get most of them done. It is not treating the day as a failure the moment it goes off script.
And on where happiness actually lives. Go to the doctor and get news you did not want, and what you want back is the ordinary Tuesday you had last week. That was happiness. You were standing in it.
One small thing to try
Tomorrow morning, do not decide how the day should feel.
Keep the plans. Drop the verdict. Then notice how much less there is to defend.
Questions people ask
Are you saying I should not try to be happy?
I am saying that aiming at it directly tends to miss. What works better is not fighting the parts you did not order, and happiness turns up on its own more often than you would expect.
Do you ever get the bum deal feeling?
No, and that is the one thing I hold onto firmly. There was no alternative on offer. Comparing my life to a version that never existed would be a full time job with no wages.
Are you sure about all this?
No. I say in the episode that these are my thoughts today, that in a couple of years I will probably think differently, and that you should throw them away if they are no use. That still stands.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
happiness · acceptance · disability
Read the transcript
Since breaking my neck and ending up paralysed when I was 18, one of the main questions I get asked
all the time is why am I so happy? Why am I always tend to be positive? Well, first of
all, I'm not always happy. And secondly, I'm not always positive.
I suppose the perception of someone that's severely paralysed, the perception is, well, if they were me, they would not
be that happy and they would struggle with it. I can understand that. But I want to address the question
of whether happiness is a choice, and whether I chose to be happy, choose the positive way.
And that's what I'm going to talk about in today's podcast. Is happiness a choice? And
I don't think it is. And I'm going to explain why. I'm Steven Webb, and this is Stillness in the
Storms. And I help you to find a little inner peace when you might find it difficult to have, especially
during difficult times. And I broke my neck at 18 years old and diving into the swimming pool. And
since then, yes, I'm paralysed in a wheelchair. And yes, I've got other problems with my life. Things like
I suffer from something called autonomic dysreflexia, which basically means if anything goes wrong below my level of injury,
my blood pressure goes really high. And we're talking sometimes of like 240 over 160
just like it's not just high a little bit, it's really high. And it's dangerous and it can lead to
a stroke or death in about 20 30 minutes So it's a medical emergency and it needs my carers to
deal with it. And okay, normally it's because I need to go toilet or... Got something else wrong with me.
I'm sitting on a crease or something's really hurting me that I'm not realising because I don't feel anything. I
don't feel anything below my, just about my nipples. That's the easiest where explaining it I don't feel my hands
either. They're all paralysed as well. So I've got loads of other problems. It's not just I'm paralysed, but yes,
I'm essentially quite a happy person.
And I do toil with that question is Why am I happy and why other people aren't? And you might
look at it and go, well, maybe when you have a serious accident and you face death like I did,
maybe you realise the importance of life. Yeah, it could be. It could be something like that. Or maybe it's
just that I was born this way. Maybe it's in my Dna. But then I look at my parents and
my family, and no, they're not as positive and as happy as me. Not all the time. And would they
be in my position? I don't know. Maybe our genes are set up that if we have a catastrophic accident,
and maybe the genes are like, oh, we'll all realign and be happy. I don't think that's the case, but
who knows? So really, is happiness a choice and I used to think it was. I used to think
I chose to be happy. I wake up in the morning and I choose to be happy. And
yes, essentially I choose to do my gratitude practice. I choose to do the positive things. I choose to try
to find the gift in situations. Like, I don't think of an alternative to my accident through
roast into glasses I don't think of, like... If my accident hadn't happened, I don't think I would have been
majorly successful. I would have been rich. I would have had my dream car, dream house, dream family, picket fence,
you know, all that. Travel the world and everything. I don't think that that would have happened. I think I
would have probably ended up in a worse accident. I was an idiot driving the car. I was the kind
of person that... You know, if if bones could be broke, I found a way of doing it. And I
just happened to break the probably the worst bone in my body um so So yeah, I'd have probably made
my life a whole lot worse. If I hadn't ended up in a wheelchair like this, my life would have
probably been worse so One thing I don't look at my life as I've got the bum deal. I just
have the deal I got. You know, there was no other deal on the table. It is what it is
so That's one thing I I tend to always remember. But as I'm and older and the more I think
about it, the more I think I don't choose anything. If
you really think about that. The moment I choose happiness, that means I'm denying my sad times. I'm denying
unpleasantness. I'm I'm trying to push away what I don't like. So therefore that creates a duality. I want this
and I don't want that. And
therefore I choose preferences. And therefore I label everything is I really don't like that and I do like this.
I I like them. I do not like them I That's a good person to hang around with. That's a
bad person hanging around with. That's a good opinion. That's a bad opinion. That's nice ice cream. That's terrible ice
cream. So
when you think of happiness is something you choose, You have to automatically have the yin yang the
opposite to that. And yes of course it of course it's true. There's people I prefer to be with and
there's ice cream I prefer to eat. I have preferences, of course I do. But if we can, especially during
our everyday life, if we can just sit back and not choose anything. So imagine waking up in the morning
and just saying, I'm not going to choose happiness today. I'm just going to choose to accept whatever happens. And
be okay with it. And deal with whatever happens. I'm just going to be okay with and be open and
just respond to whatever happens today. If someone has a different opinion than me I'm going to listen. If
someone you know says something I dislike, I'm just going to be okay. And I'm not going to do anything
with it. So I'm not going to choose to try to stay in my state of happiness.
So imagine how that would feel if you're not trying to stay a place where you think you ought to
be.
See, I think a lot of people and myself, when I try to be happy, when I want to be
happy, when I set out on a day that this is going to be this amazing day and this is
going to be the day I'm going to be happy. This is going to day I'm going to sort out
my life and I'm gonna well by 10 o'clock in the morning, I've already lost half of the day because
I've gone and eaten something I shouldn't have done or I've... Not done the exercise or I haven't done my
my morning tasks that I was going to do. So it doesn't last long, first of all. And
I certainly don't end up in a happy, happy state. But
I do end up feeling content, fulfilled,
almost called unreasonable joy you could call it, when I just don't choose something for the day. Of
course I have set out plans or what I should get done. I would like to achieve. And I tend
to get most of those things done I I'm not too bad. I'm getting better. I have systems in place
where I get a lot of stuff done. But I don't look at it that I've got to get it
done. That my life will be over if I don't. You know, if I don't get a podcast out on
Friday, I don't get a podcast out on Friday you
know and okay life isn't like
Depending on it. But
the reality is, the more and more we try to choose happiness, the more and more it's really difficult because
we're trying to deny a side that exists. It's like as if you're trying to only choose positive
friends. You're going to deny other friends that are positive at times. When we just accept
life for what it is, we accept this moment for what it is. Without trying to make it something
else. Then I think we end up by default happier anyway. I think the default
position of any human is to be happy. I don't think happiness is this place that is above and beyond
the normal mundane. You
know, if you're having a really, really bad day and you go to the doctors and you're diagnosed with something
that you really don't want to be diagnosed with. You just want to get back to the mundane day when
it was normal. That would be your current happiness based on the relative level of where you've ended up
while at the doctors.
So yeah, and I talk about this happiness line quite a bit and I'm sure I've done a podcast on
the happiness line. If I haven't, I will next week. But I
think happiness is really in the mundane and it's really in the not choosing. Don't
get out of bed tomorrow morning and choose to be happy.
Don't get out of bed tomorrow morning and expect your day to go a certain way. Just embrace whatever the
day brings while keeping an eye on what you should be doing and get on with what you should be
doing. I'm not saying sit back and just allow the world to take control of your life. Not at all.
But I'm saying don't choose the outcome of everything. Don't decide of how things should be. So
I don't think happiness is a choice. I think the more we try to choose happiness, the more we'll be
disappointed. That's my thoughts for today. I may not be right. Throw them away. You know, it's only my thoughts
at the moment. A couple of years time, hopefully I'll revisit them and I will be wrong again. You know,
be okay with that. It's cool cool um Thank you for listening. If you can hit the sub, the subscribe
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it? And you're part of that. You'll be helping me do that. So thank you. Just hitting the sub and
subscribing on your favourite platform and make my day. Thank you. Take care. This is Steven Webb and this is
Stillness in the Storms podcast. Don't forget to subscribe. I love you guys. Take care.
