What if you have hugged all your dragons and you are still stuck? Then the thing holding you is not the dragon.
I told a teacher I had found peace. I can live with being paralysed. I can live with dying. And still I was stuck in the middle, not writing, not finishing. What I finally let go of was how I thought it should be. I stopped caring who turns up. What matters is that I turn up. And when I look at a star, that light has crossed the universe to die at the back of my eye. If that is not a miracle, I do not know what you want.
One thing to try: Take one thing you are stuck on. Write it as it is, not as it should be. Then let it be that.
In this episode
(1:39) I stopped thinking about the outcome
(3:02) I hugged my dragon and was still paralysed in the middle
(4:23) The line I wrote to him an hour ago
(5:34) What happens if I fall. What happens if you fly
(6:20) Letting go of how I think it should be
(7:39) The year of the overdose and the swimming pool
(8:52) The star, the photon and the back of my eye
(11:24) If I do not let go, the book never comes out
Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk
Thank you for listening.
Steven
The story behind this one
Something broke open the day I recorded this, and I said at the time that I did not know whether I would release it. If you are reading this, I did.
Here was my problem. I have done the work. I can live with being paralysed. I can live with the pain and the dysreflexia. I can live with heartbreak and with dying. The demons are still here and I no longer fight them, I hug them, and they keep me company.
And I was still completely stuck. Not writing the book. Recording podcasts and then deleting them.
I told Doshin I was paralysed in the middle. One half of me wants to write a book that helps a great many people and leaves something behind. The other half knows that in the scheme of the universe it does not matter at all. So I did neither.
What he said, in my words rather than his, is that hugging the dragon is the hero's journey and it is only half of it. Then you have to ride it.
I emailed him an hour later with the line I had arrived at.
Hugging your dragon will give you peace. Riding it will give you freedom.
What it taught me
What I actually had to let go of was not the fear. It was how I thought it should be.
The proof was already sitting there and I had not noticed. When lockdown started I began going live every day at two o'clock with a meditation, with no plan and no target. And I am still doing it, and I do not care how many turn up.
What matters is that I turn up.
That is the only thing I had managed to do without an outcome attached, and it is the only thing that has not stalled.
So the book will be my story. If it lands with people, good. If not, it will still exist, which is more than it does now.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell
And one more thing, because it belongs here. Look up at a star. That photon has been crossing the universe for longer than this planet has existed, and it ends its journey dying at the back of your eye so that you can see. Of every species that has ever lived, ours is the one that hears a bird and finds comfort in it.
If that is not a miracle, I do not know what you are holding out for.
Questions people ask
What if I have done the work and I am still stuck?
Then the thing holding you is probably not the dragon. Mine was not fear of failing. It was an attachment to how the success was supposed to look, which is much harder to spot because it wears ambition as a disguise.
Is wanting things the problem?
No. Wanting is fine and I want plenty. It is the attachment to how it must arrive that stops you starting, because reality never matches the version in your head and so you wait.
Why is this episode so much about you?
Because it was recorded on the day, while it was happening, rather than tidied up later. That is also why I nearly did not put it out.
Read along
The transcript
It follows the audio. Press any line to jump there.
fear · vulnerability · healing · personal-story
Read the transcript
You know, some days you just.
Something happens, something breaks, and, you know, you've made
a major breakthrough and it changes everything.
And today feels like one of those days.
It feels like my whole life I've been building a jigsaw puzzle
and there's just a couple of bits missing.
And for a long time, I've been doing all right.
I found my peace, I found my quietness.
I've battled my demons, I've slayed my dragons, to use the metaphors.
And pretty much the jigsaw puzzle was looking good, but there
was just something missing.
And that something was stopping me writing my book or completing
my book.
It stops me putting out podcasts when I record them and then
delete them.
And with going live every day at 2pm and just allowing me to be
me without any outcome, when this COVID 19 Coronavirus arrived,
I decided I would just go live every day at 2pm and I would do a
meditation and I would help people at home, and I would do it
with no agenda, no thinking how many viewers I wanted, no thought
to how it would turn out.
And I'm still there now.
I'm not worried.
I'm not worried who turns up, how many turn up, what is important,
I turn up.
So I'm no longer thinking about the outcome, and it just feels
right.
And this is what was stopping me writing or finishing my book.
I'm so attached to the outcome of it, so attached to the outcome
of the success of the podcast, the success of the meditation, the
success of the blog post.
And I wanted everybody else to have peace.
And if they don't have peace, then I feel as if I haven't done
my job.
But I spoke to Doshin today, one of my teachers, and I said to
him, I'm stuck between wanting to write a world famous, brilliant
book that's going to help loads of people.
Nothing wrong with that.
Very noble.
Understandable.
What?
What?
Little me doesn't.
You know what?
Little me doesn't want to have a famous book, make a difference,
leave a legacy.
And then the other side of me knows that, or the other side is
that it's not really that important in the scheme of things
in the universe.
So therefore, I was like, paralyzed in the middle.
And I said to him, I found peace.
I've hugged my dragon.
I no longer have the demons that keep me awake at night.
I can deal with being paralyzed.
I can deal with being dysreflexic and pain.
I can deal with the heartbreak and whatever life throws my way.
I can deal with those Things, but I was still avoiding something
and I was avoiding not being successful.
The failure of success, not in the way of money, but it is about
that legacy.
And he said, we spoke and we've done some shadow work and my
highest recommendations, I will give you his website, just brilliant
genius.
And we've done some work.
And he said to me at the end, he said, you know, it's noble to.
These weren't his words exactly.
This is what I heard.
You know, it's noble and it's great to hug your dragons, hug your
demons, you know, that's the hero's journey, that's brilliant,
but it's riding them and that's what you got to do next and
not worry about the outcome.
And I emailed him about an hour ago and just said, and this
is the line that really sticks with me.
It's a line that I've done.
Not what he said, but it's what I've done.
And it's to give it a metaphor because I like metaphors.
I, I like to link an image to something.
It makes more sense to me.
Words and language make very little sense to me.
I, I don't get it a lot of the time.
And I said, you know, hugging your dragon will give you peace.
Taming and riding your dragon will give you freedom.
And just that alone today is just like, whoa, what a weight lifted.
And, you know, I just, I'm going to write my book, I'm going
to tell you my story and that's what it's going to be.
I don't have to write the next self help Zenbook, I'm just going
to write my story.
And if that resonates with people, brilliant.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.
So, yeah, what's holding you back?
What is it that you're fearing that you won't do, just in case?
And I can't remember who said the quote, but you know, they say,
well, what happens if I fall?
Yeah, what happens if you fly?
The thing is, we're so frightened of putting ourselves out
there doing something because we have in our head this image of
how it's supposed to be.
We have this image in our head of how life is supposed to be.
And for some reason in this lockdown and in this time and especially
the last 24 hours, there's been so many pointers towards this
one thing.
And this one thing is I've got to let go of how I think it should
be.
I think I'm someone that's done a lot of work in my life, you
know, I've been cheating on.
I've been heartbroken.
I've sat on the steps in town on a Saturday afternoon and bawled
my eyes out with a broken heart.
I've sat in a supermarket doorway with a broken wheelchair
and credit cards up to the hole and had to call a friend because
my chair broke down.
You know, I have been absolutely rock bottom.
I've been bankrupt.
I've.
I've attempted suicide.
I wrote the note and I left home to do it.
You know, I've battled the demons and I've won temporarily.
They're still there.
I hug them now.
I don't battle them anymore.
They're my friends.
They keep me company.
They keep me company.
Who would I be without them?
I wouldn't be the courage and strength I am today without them.
I've been paralyzed from just below my neck since 18.
And it wasn't rosy before that.
In my life, you know, that year that I ended up paralyzed, I
also ended up taking a drug overdose.
It was a long year.
I ended the year September 1st with diving into a swimming pool,
breaking my neck, and ended up paralyzed with very little arm movement
and no finger or hand movement.
I'm still in an electric wheelchair today because of that.
So everything that's gone on since then has been with that as
well.
I've also had a really amazing life.
I have partners.
I got my stepdaughter.
I've got so much in life.
I've got friends.
I got the most incredible friends and group of people around
me.
I go out for a walk and I look out the window and I see the world
for all the magic and glory it is.
You know, just looking up to a star, a photon lands in the back
of your eye, and it's been traveling through the universe longer
than this planet has been here.
And that photon dies at the back of my eye.
For me to be able to see that star, if that's not magic, if that's
not a miracle, what is?
Of all the animals and species that have been on the earth, there's
only 2% that are surviving today.
Out of all the species that have ever been and all of those,
the only one that has genuine awareness and consciousness is us.
And if we don't go out and smell the flowers, see the beauty
in the light, the trees, nature, the animals, it's only us
that hears the birds singing and find comfort in it.
If that's not winning the most extreme, amazing lottery of all,
you tell me what is.
Yes, life's not Perfect.
Yes, we suffer, but without the suffering, how are you going
to see the amazing things?
I don't think I would see the world the way I do without my struggles.
I would still be wandering around complaining about the day
in and day out chores of life.
So you want to know how you find real, genuine inner peace?
You hug your troubles.
You make friends with the demons inside.
And you got to remember, the battle is only with you.
It's not with anybody else.
Darth Vader, look, when he took the mask off, it was Luke looking
at himself.
I think I've got that right.
But you know what I mean.
We are only ever in a battle with our past, a battle with our
future.
And this was the battle I was in with my book.
I was battling something that hasn't happened yet because I wanted
it a certain way, and it wasn't going that way in my mind.
So therefore, I was avoiding doing it.
Okay, this podcast has been all about me, and I don't know if
I'll release it or not.
If you're listening to this, I have released it, so I hope I do.
Joseph Campbell once said, we must be willing to let go of the
life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Boom.
Just that there.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have
the life that is waiting for us.
Isn't that true about my book?
If I don't let go of what it should be, it'll never come out.
It will never be finished.
I've just got to write my story and allow it to be what it's
going to be.
So take some time out this evening or today and ask yourself,
what are you avoiding?
How much of your jigsaw puzzle is complete and are you still looking
for the final pieces?
Well, I feel I found the final pieces.
I just now need to learn how to place them.
It's not the jigsaw that you're given that you can choose.
You don't choose the picture, but it's yours to complete.
And I think that's what gives life meaning for an individual.
It's becoming complete, becoming whole.
And in order to do that, we need to let go of what we think life
should be like.
Nothing wrong with desiring, nothing wrong with wanting.
But get rid of the attachment to how that should be delivered.
Take a chance.
Let the universe do its job.
We're here, right?
You're listening to this.
The universe is doing okay.
We need to stop micromanaging it and allow the big mind the universe,
the collective.
Well, I don't know.
I haven't got the words for it, and that's okay.
I'm Stephen Webb, and I'm your host of Stillness in the Storms podcast.
And this podcast might be a little bit different, but I hope
you take something from it.
I hope you find some words of wisdom, and if you could give me
a review, or if you would like to become a patron and support what
I do, that'd be amazing.
StephenWeb.com spelled with a V. What was the website?
StephenWeb.com thank you.
Take care.
I love you.
Thank you for the time you spent with me on this podcast.
