Gates, Not Thorns: Are Your Boundaries a Prison?

Q: Are you saying I should not have any boundaries?

No. Red lines between two people are healthy, and I say so in the episode. What I push back on is the wall that never comes down, and the list of rules the rest of the world is somehow meant to know.

Q: What if I am not strong enough to let the world in yet?

Then close the gate today. That is a healthy boundary: not my best today, so not today. Open it a little tomorrow. The aim is more open days each year, not fewer.

Q: Is this a Buddhist episode?

Only lightly. I mention sila, which just means your own conduct, and the fact that the old texts have no word for boundaries at all. No doctrine needed to follow it.

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boundaries · relationships · compassion · buddhism · personal-story

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Okay, I'm going to say it officially. I've never liked boundaries.

And there I said it. They really do trigger me whenever anybody

says, I'm going to set boundaries. And every time I see

a meme on Instagram or I read or I see books from therapists that

say about boundaries seems to be like a New age thing. Set boundaries

and everything will be okay. It reminds me of the meditation bubbles

that do a meditation, put a bubble around you, keep the world

out. And I had an email this week from Katherine, and she says

that she's now looking at boundaries in a different way. And

she's 65 and she's learning this now, and she wrote that she's

building a garden around what matters to her. And the garden, she

can invite people in and they're not thorny bushes to keep

people out. And it just reminded me of gates, not thorns.

So that's what this episode is about, is healthy boundaries. And

I'm not going to go into details of how to set them in a fit.

I'm just going to say what they are and leave it to you. I think

you've got enough wisdom to be able to do it. So I'm Steven Webb,

and this is Stillness in the Storms, the podcast that helps you

through difficult times by helping you see life differently.

So I apologize I did not show up last week. And whenever I don't

show up or I'm struggling with something or like, life just takes

me away and I just don't get time to do it, I'm always reminded

by that Rumi poem, or it could have been a lot older than Rumi.

Actually. There's some sayings that it may not have been him, but

it's often said that he wrote it. So it's come, Come, whoever you

are. I. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come. Even if you have

broken your vow a thousand times, come yet again, come. And

I just love that. I love the fact that there's a place at the

table and you always, whenever I miss a week or whenever I disappear

for a couple of weeks and something like that, you always welcome

me back to the table. So. So I thank you deeply for that. So before

I get on with the actual boundaries and healthy boundaries,

I want to just thank nine people that are just incredible this

week. So it's Cheryl, Susan, Jane, Ankita, Dan, Cassie, Melanie,

and Joan. Thank you so much. 40 coffees. That's amazing. That

really does make a difference. And all of you make a difference.

Just huge. Thank you. And Reishen, an old Friend of mine and

her teacher was Jun Po as well. And always lovely to see that

name pop up from Hollow Bones then. Thank you Reishen. Deep bow

to you. So if you do want to support the podcast or join my weekly

com, just head over to stephenweb.uk the link is in the

show notes. But let's talk about boundaries because that's what

I really want to talk about. So I often end up having conversations

with people about boundaries and they often ask me what do I think

about them and should I set them and what do you think of these

boundaries? And I had a conversation a little while ago with

my daughter about it and she said oh, you ought to make a podcast

about this. So I'm making a podcast about it. Thank you Kemba

and thank you for the reminder. But these are just my thoughts.

I'm not an expert on setting boundaries. I'm not a psychologist,

psychotherapist, I'm not any of these things. I'm just someone

that yeah, I suppose really I had to set boundaries in my life

because I have carers, I have 24 hour care. They're in my life,

they're in my business, they're in my privacy all the time,

they have to shower me, they have to do the most intimate things

with me. And I feel a lot of the time that I want to shut the

world out when I wake up in the morning to be able to get out

of bed and go and have a shower just by myself. I think someone

years ago said to me if you could do one thing for an hour that

you were able bodied, what you would do now. And of course when

I was 20 I would have said something different to when I was

25. And I often say something different than what people would

think I say and it's one of two things A I would just run constantly

until I was absolutely exhausted because I feel the exhaustion

in my mind but I never feel it in my body. I miss that feeling of

being so tired because when you're really tired or when you're

really angry or when you're really feeling something body white

because I don't feel anything below my nipples and I don't feel

anything, should I say that I've said it now? I don't feel anything

on the lower part of my arms, I don't feel my hands. So because

I don't feel any of that, I never really feel absolutely exhausted

and I miss that. I miss that when you sit down in a lay bike cause

I used to run cross country and Feel absolutely like you cannot

do anything more. That's the point when I think you feel most

alive, you feel most of the body. So it'd be that or it would

be just to have a shower by myself. It's those little things

that. And I could set boundaries, that if my phone goes,

you gotta disappear the house. But I can't set boundaries about,

you gotta stay away from me if I'm prickly. Some days I've got to

always let the world in. So I've learned that to get the wisdom

and strength to allow the world in rather than set boundaries.

I think that's why I sit on the resistance of boundaries, because

I think it makes not so much it makes you soft. That's not the

right phrase, but let me try to articulate it. I think when you're

genuinely practicing to try to be wiser and stronger, it's no good

not going to the gym. If you're trying to build strength,

if you're really trying to build wisdom and resistance and courage,

it's no good not going to the places that are triggering you. If

you really want to learn how to be calm, spend some time with

your family. They're the ones that trigger you most. I'm in the

Council. God, I get triggered there. But that's where I learn most.

That's where my practice is. So if you don't, if you draw the

lines and you have walls so tall and you have no gates to let

anybody in and you don't go anywhere, you will end up not being

able to deal with the world. And then when you do go out and face

the world, you might have to go somewhere and there is people

around. You don't know how to say. You don't know what to say.

You're going to think you're in a fumble and you end up without

the wisdom and strength and the courage and the resistance and

all those things to be able to deal with the world. And that's where

I stand on a healthy boundary. A healthy boundary is I'm not my

best today. I'm going to struggle today. So perhaps today

I'm going to close the gate. But today, next day, I'm feeling

a little bit stronger. So I'm going to go out to the world and

I'm going to strengthen that. And then eventually you'll have more

and more days where, where you are stronger, you are doing better.

So is there any place where boundaries should be? Absolutely.

And I think a healthy boundary between two people, a healthy boundary

between family maybe where you can look at each other and you can

make an agreement. But again, it's not a ward, it's not a absolute.

If you do this, I would do that. And I'm trying to think of

examples on the fly, but you might have a boundary of, look, if

you go and kiss somebody that's across the line, that to me

is cheating. Or if you text someone in a certain way, that's

cheating. They're healthy boundaries to have. They're good

conversations to have. They're your red lines. But when you have

a boundary of, you know, you always have to treat me this way.

You always have to do these things. And if I get triggered by

this and this, you can never do that. They're unhealthy boundaries.

They're ones that. Because, let's be real, we're human, and by

the time we're probably seven years old, we've got a lot of baggage,

let alone 12 and 30 and 40. So if you're in a relationship, you're

probably above 20, really, or maybe a teenager. But by then, you've

got a lot of triggers. You've got a lot of stuff going on in your

life. You got a lot of stuff from your childhood. You're going

to be triggered. There's going to be something the partner is going

to say and do you know, the best way of doing that is building

your wisdom and building your strengths to be able to go, okay,

I'm triggered here, but that's okay because I'm not going to actually

react in a bad way. I'm going to understand that they didn't mean

to do it because I don't. I really genuinely believe that people

don't mean to be nasty. No one wakes up in the morning. I'm going

to rephrase that. I don't think the general person, and I'm

talking about really, 99.9% of people wake up in the morning and

go, I'm going to be rude today. Everywhere I drive, I'm going

to curse and shout at people. I'm going to shout at my partner

and I'm going to be abusive. I'm going to do all these things

I don't believe people do. I believe people at heart want to be

compassionate and kind. But I believe with all our baggage and

all our things, I think we learn to react and we get triggered.

And we don't have the strength and wisdom and courage to always

be able to deal with these situations. So if you're in a relationship

and you start to really have too many walls. That's not loving,

that's not compassionate. That's not saying, hey, I love you

and I'm going to have compassion for you because I'm going

to understand you. I'm going to understand that some things will

trigger you. And it's not personal to me because very often

when someone does trigger us, it's got nothing to do with them.

It's because something else that happened to us. So I think a

healthy boundary is, look, these are the things that I struggle

with. And if you do these things, I might be triggered. But

it doesn't mean you cannot do them. It just means be aware and

try to be more conscious of what triggers me. But I'm not going

to hate you. I'm not going to fall out of love with you just because

we make mistakes. Apart from those red lines I said a minute ago,

I'm not talking about red lines. I think they're totally different.

And what do the Buddhists say? What do the real wise people say

about this? And over the years, well, they didn't really have

boundaries. There's not really a word for boundary in any of the

texts that I looked at. And I've never really read about boundaries.

So it's a really new modern thing. I think it's a modern word.

Same as triggers, really. But triggers, they are translatable to

years ago. I think humans have always had triggers. Animals have

triggers. Certain things frightened my dog, and whenever that

happened in future, he was triggered. So I think they are there.

And the closest word they probably have is about our own conduct.

How do we respond? The rules for me, and they have a word, sila,

which is our own conduct, what are we responsible for? They're not

rules for you. And we have the precepts, and they all point inwards

to how we show up. And even if someone shows up really badly, and

I've said this to many people, when they come and complain about

somebody else, what should I do? I say, well, who are you? Who

are you in this situation? Would you retaliate? Would you do

the same thing? Well, I feel like it. But is that you? Is that

your foundations? No, be you. It's much easier to be you. It's

much easier to be who we are because when we're not, we get in

a whole lot of trouble. That's one thing for certain. And I think

with Buddhism, it's very much. Or I think with wisdom. Let's replace

Buddhism with wisdom. I think wisdom is guarding the doors, knowing

what we're feeling. Like, how are we showing up. And don't put

yourself in the worst positions that you are going to be

triggered if someone or if a situation is going to really push

your buttons. But again, that's down to our boundaries. And

going back to a relationship, if you're in a relationship that

you've literally got to read rules day in and day out of what

boundaries are, you may be in the wrong relationship. There's no

perfect relationship. There's no perfect partner. Because even

if the perfect partner was a mirror of us, we wouldn't get on

with them at all. And I've said in other podcasts, we're always

attracted to what's missing within. You know, the quiet person

is attracted to the loud person. The person that cannot make

a decision is attracted to the confident person. It's because we

want to grow those voices within and we take the shortcut and

we get other people to fill those holes. That's why when you've

split up in a relationship, you end up like, oh, a piece of me

is gone. I can't live without them because they completed you.

That's another podcast. We need to learn to complete ourselves,

become whole, learn to have all these voices. And I spoke about

that quite often. And I think going back to the bubble problem

in the meditation, I've seen it so many times that the bubble

meditation that you sit and you imagine the world keeping the

world out, that you're safe, that you're okay in the bubble. Now,

then I'm not knocking them completely because sometimes you

need those meditations. Sometimes you need to be able to

have some kind of thing around you to prevent the storm. But a healthy,

courageous person that is in the right frame of mind at that time,

that has built the courage and strength and the resistance, probably

wouldn't need that on an ongoing basis because they've built

the muscle to be able to cope with it. They can sit in the storm

and go, I've got this. I'm okay with this. It doesn't mean to

say it's not really frustrating. It doesn't mean to say

it's not hard. It doesn't mean as if we don't make massive mistakes.

And I gotta be honest, life would not honor your bubble. Somebody

always wanders in. Somebody's always got that something to say

that you cannot get rid of. That's the reality. So about the

garden and Catherine's idea about the garden, I do like that.

Grow your garden, grow your plants and your different things

that just picture a garden and picture all the different parts of

it and grow them as wisdom and strength and courage and just slowly

take down the walls, take down the fences, open your garden up and

be ready. Be okay with what comes in. And when you grow enough,

you can genuinely take that fence panel down. A boundary that

never comes down was never protection. It becomes a prison.

So many people end up sitting in that prison because they no longer

have the abilities to be able to deal with. When the wall does

come down, and we see it in relationships when we build like

an iron armor around our hearts, our hearts are the greatest

muscle that will ever be. It can feel the most amazing heart orgasms

that just feel amazing in that moment where you're driving the car

and your favorite tune comes on and life cannot get any better.

But it can also feel the most anxious and the most deepest pain

and neither one of them do any serious damage. Only in our heads.

The heart's okay. Okay to protect some intender until they

become stronger. It's not okay to refuse the world. So thank you

to everybody. Thank you to Catherine. I really do appreciate

your email and I've got lots of ideas for meditations and podcasts.

I'm slowly getting around to doing them. So just a question for

you. Where in your life has a wall quietly become a prison? You

can always head over to my website and send me a message or

just put that in the reviews or the comments. Especially on Spotify

you can put comments that take care of yourself and thank you for

being there. I really do appreciate it and I love you.

Gates, Not Thorns: Are Your Boundaries a Prison?

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

One calm email.
Every Sunday.

Gates, Not Thorns: Are Your Boundaries a Prison?

In this episode

With gratitude to

The question this answers

The heart of it

One small thing to try

Questions people ask

The companion meditation

The transcript

More honest conversations

One calm email. Every Sunday.

One calm email.
Every Sunday.